I woke up in a cold sweat.

My heart pounded as I jerked upright in bed and kicked off the blue quilt that had wound its way around my legs. In a frenzy, I jumped off the mattress and ran full speed towards the small bathroom that sat next to my bedroom. With each step I took, my stomach convulsed, and I was sure it would only be a matter of seconds before the acid burning the length of my esophagus made its way into my throat.

Crossing into the bathroom, I dropped to my knees in front of the toilet. Splinters of pain ricocheted through my thighs and hips as I landed on the cold, vinyl floor with a bone-jarring thud. 

An agonized yelp slipped past my lips. 

Holding myself steady, I pressed my fingers against the porcelain commode and held on tight as the first heave racked my body, making me throw up what little dinner I’d forced down the night before. Chilled to the bone, goose bumps broke out along my arms. My body shook uncontrollably, and my teeth were close to chattering. Hot tears streamed down my face as fear, a byproduct of the nightmare I’d just awoken from, surged through my veins.

I tried to fight it, but the darkness that lived in the back of my head crept forward, bringing with it a torrent of painful memories. I tried to push it all back but, as always, the past, along with the monster that still haunted me, refused to relinquish its iron-like hold. 

Even with an entire state, along with hundreds of miles, separating him from me, I still couldn’t free myself of the mental chains he’d inflicted on me so long ago. All it took was one bad dream for everything, including the sound of his voice, the feel of his touch, and the smell of his skin, to come rushing back. 

It all felt so real; almost like he was in the room with me, whispering his cruel taunts directly into my ear. “There isn’t a place you can hide where I won’t find you,” he’d say, menace bleeding into his dark voice. “Doesn’t matter where you go, I’ll come after you. You’ll always belong to me, Shelby Ray.”

Push it back, I told myself. Push him back! 

 “Go away,” I shrieked to the empty room in between gasps for breath. “GO. AWAY!”

Mentally, I knew that he wasn’t there, that he wasn’t seconds away from harming me, but that did little to ease the panic or quell the adrenaline raging through my veins. Try as I might, I couldn’t block out the visual flashes that streamed before my eyes like a horror movie on an old projection screen. 

A horror movie in which I starred as the leading actress. 

I closed my eyes, trying to block out the scene playing out before me. I knew it wouldn’t help, but I still had to try. Moments later, my body jerked as it all came rushing back. 

The lines of reality suddenly began to blur.

My eyes popped open, and I saw the glint of silver from the knife that he held fisted in his hand. I felt the bite of its blade as he dug it into my sensitive flesh, ripping my tissue and marking my skin forever. I heard his evil laugh and smelled his atrocious, alcohol-laden breath as he leaned over me, his hardened face mere inches from mine. 

“You’ve been a bad girl, Shelby Ray. Now you need to be punished.” 

Bile rose in my throat.  

My mind went into free fall; spinning out of control, there was no way for me to stop it.

“Damn it, leave me alone!” I shouted. “Just leave me ALONE!”

I tried to fight the fear, tried to gain control, but it was to no avail.

The scars he’d inflicted were too strong; the pain too great.

Kneeling on my bathroom floor, my face hovering above the toilet, I realized I might never be free. Despair sliced at my heart like a hot scalpel at the thought. I hated being so scared, hated feeling so weak, and I damn sure hated that my mind wouldn’t allow me to forget.

Done throwing my guts up, I removed my hands from the toilet, plopped onto my butt and slid backward until my back slammed into the bathroom wall. The darkness of the bathroom surrounded me, increasing my fear and agony tenfold.

Pulling my legs into me, I wrapped my arms around my knees. “Calm the hell down,” I whispered to myself, willing both my body and mind to listen. “He’s not here.” I closed my eyes and pressed my face into my knees. “He’ll never be here again.”

Yes, he will, my mind whispered. Remember his promise.

“No!” I shouted again. “I won’t let him come back!” A lump formed at the base of my throat and a fire ignited in the pit of my belly. “I won’t let him near us again!”

I slammed my palms against my ears and shook my head back and forth in a desperate attempt to fight off the memories and bring myself out of the mental hell I found myself trapped in.

No matter how many times I tried to pretend otherwise, I was living a nightmare I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to wake up from.

The thought alone terrified me.

I dropped to the floor and lay on my side. Wrapping my arms around my torso, I begged the monster from my past to stop torturing me night after night. Praying to a God I wasn’t sure I believed in, I pleaded with him for the pain to cease, to end. 

But it didn’t end. 

Second after second, minute after minute, I continued to relive it all.

Until, suddenly, it became too much to bear. My eyelids grew heavy; my limbs became fatigued. Unable to fight the memories any longer, I closed my eyes and allowed the blackness to take me. 

* * *

I woke up on my back. 

I was drained. Exhausted.

I can’t keep doing this.

Feeling my erratic heart rate slow, I tossed an arm over my eyes and exhaled. The terror I’d felt that fateful night—terror for myself and for the innocent child I carried inside of me—still lingered, threatening to emerge at any moment.

Knowing I needed to get up, I pushed myself to a sitting position. 

I was so tired. My entire body ached as if I’d just completed a triathlon. 

Looking around the dark room, I tried to figure out what I was going to do; how I would get past this. Counseling didn’t help, medication made me feel crazier than I already was, and there was only so much I could block out.

If I’d only—

Suddenly, a high-pitched squeal ripped through the silence of the apartment. My body stilled. “Ma-ma!” It was the sweetest sound I’d ever heard.

Lucca.

I jumped to my feet and ran down the hallway that led to his nursery on shaky legs. My stomach was still rolling, and I worried I might get sick again, but it was a risk I was willing to take. At that moment, I just wanted to hold my son. He was the only thing that could cut through the panic-laced fog surrounding me and bring me back to Earth.

Lucca was the anchor that kept me stable and the glue that held me together. Without him, I fear I may have lost the reins of my sanity a long time ago.

Reaching the closed white-panel door, I placed my hand on the brass knob and gave it a quick twist before barreling straight through it. The knob nearly slammed into the sheetrock behind the door, but I didn’t care.

My sole focus was on my baby, my son—my entire world.

Standing tall in the second-hand crib I’d bought for him the day before he was born, he beamed at me with that million-dollar smile of his. The chaos in my head instantly calmed.

“MA-MA!” he shrieked at the top of his lungs.

My chest swelled with pride when he reached out to me. Most days I found it hard to believe I’d given birth to such an amazing little human. I mean this perfect little boy standing before me was my baby. He was my son. “Out, Ma-ma… OUT!” he yelled with more force.

He certainly gets his bossiness from me.

I didn’t waste another second before going to him.

Sliding my hands under his arms, I lifted him out of the crib and buried my face in his soft, black hair. I took a deep breath and squeezed him as tight as I could without hurting him. It didn’t matter how many times I held him or how much I kissed him; it was never enough. Whoever first said that a mother’s love for her child is infinite was right, because with every beat of my heart I fell a little more in love with him.

The smell of Lucca’s hair tickled the tip of my nose, and I inhaled deeper. He smelled like the lavender-scented baby wash and lotion I used on him each night before bed. For as long as I live, I don’t think I’ll ever forget that smell. I can see myself as a senile old lady, sitting in a nursing home somewhere, sniffing a bottle of that soap.

“Ma-ma!” Lucca kicked his legs and clutched the front of my nightgown in his little hands. “U-ka eat, Ma-ma!”

I pressed a kiss to the crown of his head and ran my hand down his back, tickling him with the tips of my fingers. “Always hungry, aren’t you?” He giggled and thrashed in my arms. “I swear you’re going to eat me out of house and home when you get older.” He continued to laugh, and I continued to tickle him. The melodic notes spilling from his mouth warmed my heart and soothed my battered soul. “I’m going to have to sell a kidney just so I can afford to feed you, ya little bottomless pit.”

“Stop!” he hollered in between bouts of laughter. “Stop, Ma-ma, STOP!”

Giving him one last kiss on the head, I swung him to my side and propped him on my left hip. “Fine,” I huffed. “I guess I’ll go fix you something to eat, but you owe me cuddle time later since you insist on cutting me off before I get my fair share.”

Lucca giggled and slammed his face against my chest, knocking the breath out of me. “Good grief, big boy.” I gasped for air. “Steal the breath right out of me why don’t—”

My cell phone rang from the living room, interrupting me.

Holding my sweet baby close, I turned around and carried his big tushie down the hall toward the living room. Lucca wasn’t two yet, but he was the same height and weight as the average three-year-old.

My little man was built like a tiny linebacker.

Bending over at the waist, I stood him on the ground in front of his toy box and ran my still shaking fingers through his curly hair one more time. “Here, baby, play with your stuff while Mama answers the phone.”

Already engrossed in his toys, he ignored me as he rifled through the overfilled toy box, pulling everything he could find out and dropping it to the floor by his feet. Without a doubt, he’d have the entire living room covered in puzzle pieces, plastic blocks, and Tonka trucks in the next sixty seconds.

I loved my son to death, but he was as destructive as a tornado in a trailer park.

Smiling at his shenanigans, I turned around and plucked my still ringing phone off the worn end table. Then I glanced down at the caller ID.

Maddie calling, it read.

My smile grew.

I lifted the phone to my ear. "Hey, sugar. How’s it—"

She cut me off. “Thank God you answered!”

She sounded like she was in the middle of a crisis. Knowing Maddie, though, I was sure the only crisis she was involved in had something to do with her being hungry. “What’s up, buttercup?” I turned around and kicked the corner of the coffee table with my toe. “Godda—” I looked at Lucca, who was watching me as if he was just waiting for the curse to fly from my mouth. “Gosh dang it.”

He giggled before dumping an oversized bag of plastic building blocks onto the floor.

“What did you do?” Maddie’s laughter-filled voice floated through the phone.

Pinky toe still aching, I plopped down on the sofa. “I stubbed my toe on the stupid table. Anyway, what are you so excited about?” I blew out an exasperated breath and glanced at the black and white clock hanging on the scarlet red wall to my right. “It’s only eight in the morning. You’re usually still asleep.”

Maddie was eight months pregnant, and she’d reached the point of constant exhaustion. Because of that, I rarely heard from her before nine in the morning on her days off.

“I’m starvingggg.” She whined through the phone.

Bingo! 

Brows furrowed, I lifted my foot and examined my throbbing toe. “Where’s the behemoth? I’m sure he’ll feed you.” The behemoth, also known as Hendrix, was Maddie’s fiancé. He was an overprotective, overbearing asshole, but he loved Maddie with every ounce of his heart. Not to mention he treated her like gold. For those reasons alone, I tolerated him.

Don’t get me wrong; he isn’t a bad guy, but he drives me nuts.

Probably because we’re so much alike.

“He’s in the shower. Doesn’t even know I’m awake yet.”

My stomach grumbled. “Want to meet me somewhere for breakfast?”

Maddie exhaled. “Lord, yes. Meet me at Ruby’s Diner in an hour.”

Nodding even though she couldn’t see me, I stood back up. “I can do that.” I yawned loudly. “See you in an hour, sweet pea.”

“Wait,” she hollered, stopping me from hanging up. “Did you not sleep much last night? You sound exhausted.” Her voice was full of concern, something I hadn’t been shown a lot of in my life. 

Someone finally cares.

“Not really.” Raising my free hand, I attempted to run it through my knotted hair. I cringed when my fingers got caught in what felt like a giant rat nest near the crown of my head. I needed to take a shower—ASAP. “I had a couple of bad dreams.” Chill bumps erupted down my spine; the panic threatened to resurface. “It’s been a rough morning to say the least.”

“Shelby”—Maddie’s voice was low, quiet—“what were they about?” She hesitated before continuing. “I mean were they… Did they… Was it…?”

My eyes slammed shut, and my shoulders slumped forward.

“Yeah, they were about him,” I answered, feeling myself deflate. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I kept speaking, needing to confide in someone. “The last one… It was bad, Maddie.” I opened my eyes and turned to look out the front window. “I woke up in a panic and reality kinda got blurred there for a bit.”

She exhaled. “You had another panic attack, didn’t you?”

My skin prickled with shame. “Yeah.” I jabbed my toe into the carpet, wincing at the small bite of pain. “I couldn’t fight it off this time.” I didn’t need to go into detail; didn’t need to tell her how I’d blacked out, lying on my bathroom floor. “Maddie, I’m trying. Swear to God I am, but it seems like no matter what I do I can’t get away—”

She cut me off. Again. “Don’t say anything else. You don’t need to. I understand.” Her tone was clipped, her speech fast. My girl sounded pissed. Not at me, but at him, the monster who’d blackened my past and continued to lurk in the present. “You know he can’t hurt you anymore, right?” I remained silent. “He’s never coming back, Shelby.”

Feeling my airway tighten, I rested my shaking palm against my belly.

Against my scars.

Once again, hot, sour bile climbed my esophagus as my fingertips grazed over the damaged skin. The raised, pink ropes that decorated my stomach and torso served as a constant reminder of the pain I’d endured and the hell I’d suffered. Maddie viewed the hideous stripes as a badge of honor that symbolized my victory, my survival.

But that’s not how I saw them. 

To me, they screamed, You may have escaped him, but your body will forever bear his marks.

Shame and disgust swirled inside of me at the thought. As much as I loved Maddie, I had to get off the phone. I couldn’t talk to her right now. I needed to think; needed to decompress. “Listen, Maddie, I’ve got to go. I need to shower and get dressed. Plus, I still need to get Lucca out of his pajamas.”

Maddie didn’t argue at my abrupt change in conversation. She, of all people, understood. She knew I was half a second away from free-falling head first back into a mental hell where I didn’t want to be.

“An hour, okay?” My tone was pleading. I needed to get off the phone, needed to get to Lucca. If I could just hug him, the torment would ease.

“Okay,” she whispered. “See you in an hour.”

I nodded again. “I’ll be there.”

Silence ensued.

Then, “I’m serious, Shelby. You’re not alone anymore. You have a family now. A real family. We’ll protect you; keep you safe.” Warmth spread through me and my insides twisted at her declaration. “And I’ll be damned if any of us let that sorry bastard anywhere near you and Lucca again.”

Not knowing what to say, I rocked back on my heels.

I wasn’t good with feelings, wasn’t good with emotions. I’d never had to be. Until the moment I’d held my newborn son in my arms, I didn’t know what love truly was. It was an emotion I didn’t know how to show and accept like other people. It was only with Lucca that it came easy. Even with Maddie, it’d been hard at first. Thankfully, though, she’d never given up on me, and now I didn’t have a problem opening up to her. It’d taken a long time before I was comfortable enough to do so though.

“An hour, Maddie…” My shaky voice trailed off once again.

“Maddie!” I heard Hendrix shout in the background. “What the fuck, pretty girl? I thought you were still in bed.”

Maddie groaned, and I laughed. “Go deal with him before he flips out. I’ll see you soon.” I tried to sound happy; tried to hide my anguish.

Maddie hollered at Hendrix, “Hurry and get dressed. You’re taking me to Ruby’s to get something to eat.” Again, I smiled. “Shelby and Lucca are meeting us there.”

Hendrix cursed, but I only caught half of what he was saying. His voice was too muffled to understand it all. Still, I heard the words, “blonde” and “smartass.”

“Tell that jackass to shut up, or I’ll stab him in the eye with a fork.”

Maddie cackled, and Hendrix cursed again.

Guess he heard me.

“Alright, I’m going. Love you, crazy,” Maddie choked out between laughs.

“Love you more. Bye, sugar.”

I hung up without waiting for a reply.

Phone still in hand, I crossed my arms over my chest and stared down at the little boy who was my entire world. My heart inflated at the mere sight of him. I didn’t know what I’d done to deserve him, but I was thankful to whatever God possibly existed for giving him to me.

I only hoped that, when the time came, I’d be able to protect him from the monster who would one day undoubtedly show his ugly face again. I’d only been sixteen when he’d sworn that he’d never let me go, that he’d never surrender his hold, and as much as I hated to admit it, I knew the words he’d spoken, the threats he’d made, were the God’s honest truth.

It wasn’t a question of whether he'd come back.

The only question in play was: When will he come back? 

It was a question I didn’t have an answer to.

Regardless, I’ll tell you this—whenever the son of a bitch did decide to hunt us down, I’d be ready. Because come hell or high water, I wouldn’t let him hurt me again, and I damn sure wouldn’t allow him to harm my son.

You see, the years had changed me; having Lucca had changed me.

I may have been strong before, but I was stronger now.

Now I was a mother, a protector, a survivor.

And I was done being his fucking victim.