Emmaline
The low thrum of excitement builds inside me, and I feel like I could float right now — I’m so high. I might start skipping back to my dorm room.
My phone buzzes. Mom.
“Hello?” I answer.
“Honeeeeey!” My mom trills. “I’m in the city, surprise!”
Wow, so that is a surprise. I feel a little guilty, but I’m actually let down that my mom is here. I know that’s why she’s calling me, and normally I would be very excited and trying to figure out how to rearrange my study plans so that I’d be able to spend time with her. Now I’m just feeling woozy at these two worlds colliding.
Ethan wanted her first, after all. God, am I the consolation prize? I so don’t need that in my life. He’s never made me feel that way. Ethan has never made me feel anything but good.
“…get to your dorm so we can do lunch, babe!” My mother’s voice breaks through my thoughts.
I snap back to the present. “Oh, yeah, I’ll be there in just a moment.”
“I was just doing some shopping and I wanted to be able to catch up with you. You sounded so down last time we talked, can’t have that!” My mom’s cheery tone tells me that she’s been hitting the shopping hard.
I’m still a scholarship student but Mom and Dad have been making huge strides in their earnings. Mom is having the time of her life buying everything she used to only see in magazines. She’s not materialistic to a fault, but we all appreciate a good shiny thing now and then and I don’t fault her.
I just feel exhausted by her energy. It's pulling away from my own excitement and I felt like I was pulled from deep thought. It's strange, the worlds colliding. I realize that the affair with Ethan makes me feel like I’m actually an adult now. That’s twisted and warped, but I can’t help that it's true. I feel more foolish by the second. “I’ll be there in a moment, love you Mom!” I say with all the cheer I can muster and hang up.
When I get to my door, I put my books aside, but I shove my notebook for my English course into the tote I’m using as my purse. Silly, but those notes make me feel like I’m bringing Ethan with me. I want to bring the memory of his voice and his words with me wherever I go. I want him to touch me more so that his skin can contain those words and those memories, too.
I turn to my mom, who is giving my room the is-this-a-safe-place-for-my-daughter-to-live look to everything and smile. I give her a big hug before we walk out the door. I mean, I’m being an asshole for not wanting to see her because I’m thinking about wanting to bang my teacher, shit! But, like, this is lunch. My stomach is already excited, and I’m glad to talk to my mom. My whole world has gotten very small, existing only in the moments I’m with Ethan. That’s not healthy and I missed my momma, okay? Let’s pretend I didn’t just act like a huge dick. Because even if that was only in my head, I do feel bad about it.
“Let’s go to that pad thai place you like, the fancy one, not the cheap one!” My mom is excited to take me to the weird place I like that has surprisingly fancy noodles. You can get all kinds of noodles there, but I always get the pad thai.
I want the alfredo, but I don’t want to eat all that cream. Tofu and eggs seems like better food for the hardworking college student, and the cilantro is to die for.
“Sounds good, let’s hit it and get it!” I respond. I follow my mom to her car.
“Now, cut the shit,” my mom says while she turns to back out. “I know something’s been bugging you. Tell me your classes again. Let’s see what’s up your butt,” my mom laughs.
I never keep anything from her. I never get nervous like this. So I start reeling off my schedule now and she stops me at Ethan.
“Oh, you have his class now? I figure you’ll have a lot with him, since you’re majoring in his wheelhouse. That man always had a book in his face. You kind of remind me of him, the way you’re so passionate about those things!” My mom has that slightly exasperated tone.
She knows what I care about, but she doesn’t get it.
It's sort of difficult to explain to your mother that you don’t want to read the Gossip Girl books because you want to read Frankenstein for the thousandth time…but I mean she’s got a point, too. The Gossip Girl books are pretty damn good, too. We used to watch the show together. I know that we enjoyed how rich they were. My parents don’t have that kind of money now. We always lived in a nice house, but now they're looking more the part. I sigh thinking about how she said I remind her of him. I think I’m going to have to try to casually probe her for information about him later. Right now, I just can’t stop smiling thinking about him. “Yeah, he’s done a lot of work in literary criticism. I’ve read all of his papers,” I offer. My mom probably doesn’t realize just how much Ethan has published. I’ve been a busy gal catching up on all his papers.
“That’s neat, sweetie. So what about that Calculus II? I know they didn’t want to let you in. Don’t they know that my baby’s so smart? You kicking that class’s ass?” My mom is practically beaming.
“Yes, yes I am. Oooh, we’re here. I’ll get the drinks, you get us a table,” I tell her as I step out of the car. It's a nice restaurant, but you still get your own drinks because they have those machines where you can get all the flavors. I always get a diet caffeine free coke with lemon added. I love the lemon flavor and I’m not sure but I’m pretty certain it's probably pure sugar. I have enough coffee in my life; I so don’t need to add more of it.
Mom nods and orders our usual, taking our number to the table.
We talk about all my classes. Mom asks about Delia. We talk about everything and I almost forget that I want to press her for information about Ethan when I see my notebook in my bag, the rose gold foil glinting at me from the corner of my eye. “So, hey, you were friends with Ethan, are y’all still close?” I ask her. I call him Ethan and not Dr. Ethan, Professor, any of that.
My mom raises an eyebrow but answers the question. “Oh, yeah we didn’t really stop being friends, we just kind of grew apart. I mean, we’re Facebook friends. Not that he really uses Facebook. But neither do I. So, it is what it is.” Mom picks at her food.
“Oh, yeah,” I say, trying to remain casual.
But my mom always picks up on stuff. “Something wrong in Ethan’s class?” Her tone is suspicious.
“No, I was just curious,” I offer, and I try to sound not too urgent. I mean if my heckles are raised, then hers will be. Internally, I’m panicking like she can read everything on my mind. But I cannot let that panic read through in my voice or on my face.
“Is Ethan singling you out? Is he bothering you in some way?” My mom interrogates.
“No,” I say with a nervous laugh that I hope sounds nonchalant. “I was just curious about him.”
“Ah,” my mom says.
Okay, she didn’t buy what I just said.
She doesn’t say anything for the rest of the lunch, and neither do I.
“Bye, sweetie, study hard!” My mom says with a final hug when she drops me off.
Crap. My mom can’t possibly think that I’m sleeping with him or that he’s being weird toward me, or something? I don’t know. But … I want to sleep with him. I’m going to propose that very thing tonight.