Chapter Ten
So it turns out that I’m just a little bit crazy. I mean I’ve always known I’m a bit emotional, but as I made my way to Spasso’s the next morning, I knew I was crazier than even I had thought. I was slightly ashamed of myself that I was going to spy on Henry, but I reasoned that it wasn’t so bad. It wasn’t like I’d hired a private detective to see what he was doing. I was just going to get a coffee and it just happened to be at the same coffee shop that he had casually mentioned in his phone call.
Coincidence. Yeah, even I couldn’t lie and convince myself of that fact. I just couldn’t stop myself. I needed to know who this Claudia was. I needed to know why she seemed so important to him. My heart couldn’t take not knowing. I was already way too invested in this situation and I knew that I should back out of it. I knew that I should just block and delete his number and never see him again. We’d only had sex once. Nothing more than that. The way I was acting wasn’t healthy, but I couldn’t help myself. I just needed to know. And now, I’d already slept with him, why bother walking away. The emotional and intimate damage had already been done. It wasn’t like it was going to hurt any less now if I walked away. I got to Spasso’s and looked around in surprise. It was a lot more depressed looking than I would have thought it was going to be. All I’ve ever wanted in life is to be loved, to be truly loved. That’s the goal. The gift. The true gift that life can give you. I’ve known since I was a little girl that love was all I ever really wanted. And I also knew that Henry wasn’t the man to give me the love that I craved. Even as I walked into the coffee shop feeling like a crazy person, I knew. I knew that I was out of my mind, essentially stalking Henry, but I needed to know who he was meeting and why. I needed to know because I was falling for him. Even though I knew that I shouldn’t.
Spasso’s was not a cute café. Not in the slightest. The walls were a putrid bright yellow. The floor was a mass of graying and decaying vinyl and I wondered what I was doing sitting there in that coffee shop, waiting like some sort of desperado. I wasn’t the sort of girl to spy, to go incognito and hidden, to try and trap a guy in a lie. I wasn’t the sort of girl that became obsessed to the point of distraction. I wasn’t the sort of girl that would let a man take over my mind. No man had ever done to me what Henry was now doing to me. No other man had ever driven me this crazy. I couldn’t think about or focus on anything else. He was all that occupied my thoughts. He was all that I could think about. And all I could wonder was how many other girls he was talking to, how many other girls he wanted, he propositioned. How many other girls he preferred over me. I hated that he was always on my mind, but I never seemed to be on his. I hated that I wanted him to be as obsessed with me as I was with him. I wanted to occupy his every thought, but I knew I didn’t. I hadn’t heard from him since last night. He hadn’t called. He hadn’t texted. He didn’t miss me. He didn’t care. He wanted nothing to do with me. He’d dropped me as quickly as he’d picked me up and that stung. How could he not miss me? How could he not care at all? I’d thought we’d grown so close. I’d thought that perhaps we were falling in love. Even as I had that thought, I wanted to groan at how completely unrealistic I was. And how completely crazy even I thought I was by my thoughts. I’d barely met this guy and only spent one real night with him and yet I was going crazy.
I bet if he knew that I’d thought we were falling for each other, he’d want to call the mental institute or something. I was almost halfway to calling the mental institute on myself. I wished we were falling in love because that’s how fairy tales went and I really wished that my love life could be some sort of fairy tale. I just wasn’t that lucky. I was just delusional. I sighed as I thought about the fact that a part of me had seriously thought we were really and truly falling for each other. Just because we’d had sex. I was the biggest idiot that I knew. If I hadn’t decided to try and surprise him in the shower and heard him on his phone, I might still be trying to fool myself. I might even have convinced myself that the passionate sex we’d had had been because he was head over heels for me. I wasn’t sure why I couldn’t seem to comprehend that men could sleep with women without it meaning anything to them. I was just a body to him. I meant nothing.
I needed to remember that men were different from women. I knew I was feeling this way because I didn’t know how to read men well. I’d seen a look in his eyes, thought we’d shared a special connection, but I knew now that I was wrong. The look wasn’t special between us. I’d seen him giving that look to other girls in the past and it had driven me crazy inside (though I never would have admitted that before). The pangs of jealousy had hit me fast when I’d seen him giving his cute flirtatious smile to other women; even Eliza. It made me feel like nothing we had was special. It made me feel like I was just another girl in a long line of girls. And a part of me wondered if that was what I was. And if so, why was I here, sitting in this coffee shop like some two-bit spy, trying to figure out who Claudia was and why he was meeting up with her. I looked around the diner again and frowned. This wasn’t exactly a date spot. At all. I couldn’t imagine that Henry was meeting her here for any sort of seduction. I was about to get up and leave when I saw a commotion at the front door. The entire coffee shop went quiet as a beautiful tall woman walked through in an impressive dark gray fur coat. I knew right away that this was Claudia. I wasn’t sure how I knew, but I just did. She had an air about her that matched Henry’s and I knew instinctively that this was the lady that he’d proposed to. When, I didn’t know, but I knew this was her.
My stomach fell as I thought about the fact that this was someone that he’d actually developed feelings for, but I tried to dismiss it. I watched as the lady walked into the coffee shop gracefully. She had a leash in her right hand and a poufy white poodle followed behind her, it’s head held up, like some sort of aristocrat. It was everything I could do to not start giggling at the sight of Claudia and her obnoxious poodle. They both looked out of place as they waked into the coffee shop and looked around in disdain, both of their perfectly pert noses screwed up as they gazed around at their surroundings. I wasn’t sure why I thought the site of them was so amusing, but I couldn’t stop myself from feeling slightly giddy.
I tried not to be obvious as I watched them, but it didn’t really matter because Claudia wasn’t paying any attention to me as she stared straight ahead of her. She walked over to the first table and sat down gracefully, scrunching her nose up as she looked at the cracked plastic of the table in front of her. I studied her in admiration, trying to ignore my feelings of jealousy and insecurity. She was gorgeous in one of those blessed by God ways. Her face was the perfect shape and she had dove shaped blue eyes, perfectly shaped pink lips, a straight delicate nose and a peachy complexion that complimented her dark hair. She was tall and skinny and looked like she had just stepped off of a runway. I felt like an ugly pig in comparison to her and I tried not to let my insecurities bring me down; though it was hard. I could see from the stares of the other patrons in the coffee shop that her mere presence here seemed to class it up slightly and others were drawn to her. I tried so hard not to stare at her through my cheap plastic sunglasses, but it was just too hard. All of a sudden, I noticed her perking up, a slow deliberate smile spreading across her face as she leaned forward and I could feel my body freezing. I looked over to the main entrance again slowly, already knowing what and who I was going to see. There stood Henry, tall, handsome, and domineering in the doorway. I looked down quickly as his eyes scanned the coffee shop, but they didn’t stop on me. His eyes immediately went to the statuesque beautiful lady that I was pretty confident went by Claudia and he hurried over to her with a bright, calculated smile, his features looking warm and excited.
“Mon Cherie.” He leaned down and kissed both of her cheeks as he approached her and I could feel my stomach churning in jealousy at the friendly intimate greeting between them and I wondered why he’d never greeted me that way. Had he ever been that happy to see me? Had he ever had that light of happiness in his eyes? I didn’t need to think very hard to figure out the answer. How could he come here to her after he’d just spent a night with me? I wanted to cry, but I swallowed hard and pinched my arm to stop myself from bursting into tears.
“Henry,” she said in her perfect French accent. “So good to see you. I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too, Claudia,” he said, his voice making my heart pang with want. “It has been too long.” He sat next to her and I could feel my heart breaking as he reached over and lightly touched her cheek affectionately.
“What is this place, Henri?” she asked, her voice loud and clearly showing her distaste. I looked over to the counter to see how the waitresses were reacting to her obvious contempt of their workplace, but they didn’t seem to be paying any attention.
“A coffee shop.” He smiled at her and laughed. “Do you not like it?”
“It’s not what I would have expected.” She pouted. “I haven’t seen you in so long.”
“Not because of me not wanting to see you though, Claudia.”
“I needed to think.” She sighed and said something else under her breath that I couldn’t hear. I strained my ears to listen harder. Even though a part of me didn’t really want to hear anything. I knew I was treading in dangerous water. What would Henry think or do if he saw me sitting here? He’d think I was absolutely crazy and possibly a stalker as well.
“And how are you feeling now?” His voice was gentle and full of concern and my jaw almost dropped. I’d never heard him so concerned before. I didn’t think he was capable of being a sincere warm individual without teasing or sexual undertones. It made me feel jealous of Claudia again, but this time in a very different way.
“It has been a long couple of months, Henry. I have missed you so much,” she purred, staring into his eyes in an adoring fashion. “Have you missed me?”
“Of course I have missed you. You know that.”
“I don’t understand why we have to have this arrangement if you miss me as well.” She pouted. “I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. This is not what I want.”
“What do you want, Claudia?”
“You know what I want.” She sighed and for the first time I could see some insecurity in her demeanor. I wanted to know her story. What exactly was going on here?
“You know who I am, Claudia. You know what I want. What I can give.”
“Don’t you love me?” Her voice sounded so sad that I started to feel guilty for listening. “We’ve known each other for so long. We’ve been in this place for so long. I just don’t know what you want from me anymore.”
“Claudia, can we just enjoy this moment?” Henry looked tired and for a brief few seconds I had the feeling that he knew that I was there. My body froze as I waited for him to turn around and look at me. I didn’t know what I would say. Would I pretend that it was a coincidence that we were both here at the same time? How would I say I’d even found the place? He’d never believe me. I would never believe me. It was a mess. A really big mess.
“Henry, I feel like we keep ending up in this place and I don’t even know what to think anymore. You tell me you have feelings for me. You tell me that you never want to hurt me. But yet, you just don’t give me what I want. You never seem to be here for me in the way that I want you to be. I just don’t even know what to say anymore.”
“Claudia, I don’t even know what to say anymore. This is getting ridiculous.” He sighed heavily and I watched as he put his face in his hands. I felt uncomfortable in that moment, like I was witnessing something private that I had no right to. All of a sudden I felt like some sort of invasive spy and it didn’t feel good.
“You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, Henry. The only person in my life that’s seen the real me. That doesn’t judge me. That doesn’t make assumptions about me.” Claudia’s eyes welled up and I looked away from the table as I felt my own heart racing at her words.
“I’m not that special, C.” Henry’s voice dropped. “I’m not that great.”
“I love you so much. I just don’t understand.” Claudia’s voice broke. “I’m sorry, I said I wouldn’t do this. Not again.”
“Please don’t cry, Claudia. I’m not going anywhere.” He squeezed her hands and it felt like he was squeezing and pulling my heart out from my chest.
“But you don’t love me.”
“You know I love you.” My heart died a million times as I listened to his words.
“Not in the way that I love you. Not in the way that I want to be loved.” Claudia started crying then. “I can’t stand it that you don’t love me. I can’t stand it that you don’t adore me.”
“Claudia.” Henry reached over and pulled her hands closer to him. “Please don’t cry.”
“You used to love me. You used to think the world of me.”
“I still think the world of you.”
“I wanted it to be us against the world.” Claudia rubbed her eyes and I wished more than anything that I was anywhere but here, witnessing this moment. I was ashamed of myself and I was depressed.
“Claudia.” He sighed.
“Don’t give up on me, Henry. Please, don’t.”
“I’ll never give up on you, Claudia. I will never give up on you.”
“But you can never love me.” She sighed.
And then I looked at Henry and the pain on his face was unmistakable. My heart ached for him and for her and selfishly for myself as well. This was something that I didn’t expect. I’d come here hoping to figure out what was going on. Why Henry seemed to be so elusive, why he didn’t want to fall in love. I’d thought it would be easy to hate him. Easy to figure out that he was a player and a bad guy and to hate him. But this was an emotional mess. This was complex and complicated and I didn’t even understand what was truly going on. I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to understand. It wasn’t my business. I shouldn’t be getting emotionally attached. I’d only had one night with him and after witnessing this mess; I knew I should run away as fast as I could.
“I still have it you know.” Claudia said softly and my ears perked up. Have what? My thoughts ran wild for a second. Was she going to say she still had his baby? Oh my God? What if they had a kid together? What would I say? What would I do? I almost laughed at my thoughts. I was a really big idiot. It really wouldn’t matter what I thought or said; it had nothing to do with me.
“What’s that?” Henry sounded curious, rather than worried and scared.
“That teddy bear you won for me at that two bit county fair you took me to.” She smiled at him and started giggling, in a girly way that somehow softened her, and it made her even more beautiful and me even more morose.
“What teddy bear?” Henry sounded confused and I wondered at how quickly their conversation had changed from deep and depressing to talk of a fair.
“You don’t remember?” She sounded mad and I watched as she pouted, wiped away her tears daintily and gave him a small glare. I frowned slightly as she applied her lipstick and fluffed her hair. She didn’t look quite as sad anymore and a part of me wondered if this was all part of a game for her.
“No, Claudia.” He sighed and my heart nearly froze as I saw him looking around. My whole body turned hot as I thought he was going to see me. He stopped right before he would have seen me. “The service here isn’t good. Shall we go somewhere else?” he asked her as he stood up. I bent down in my seat quickly just in case he decided to look over at me. I stayed like that for what felt like five minutes and I only sat back up when I realized someone was standing next to my table.
“Can I help you, miss?” An older lady looked at me with a bored expression, a toothpick between her teeth.
“Uh, no thanks.” I shook my head and glanced over to Claudia’s table. They had left. “I think I’ll just go, but thanks.” I gave her a quick smile and jumped up, hurrying toward the exit. My brain was racing and all I wanted to do was go home and talk to Eliza.