I attend my two of my classes and try to keep my head down. The whispers and finger pointing were easy to ignore. It made me aware that the students now knew whom the girl in question was who was sleeping with the professor. No, it’s the muffled name calling that really gets to me. The whole student body see me as some skank who whored herself for a good grade. They’re not privy to the love that we share. From their perspective our involvement is dirty and wrong. Tears sting behind my eyes, but I refuse to let them fall. I will not let these strangers make me crumble. I quicken my pace to the cafeteria. Maybe I can find a quiet corner to grab lunch before my next class. Behind me, I hear my name being called. I turn and see Jordan running in her stilettos trying to catch up with me. The sight would be funny if I could bring myself to smile.
“Wait up,” she calls. When she catches up with me she’s panting. “I thought I might find you here. Let’s grab some lunch.”
“Sure,” I say flatly.
“What’s up? Why the long face?”
“I’m just not sure if you should be seen with me. I’ve been labeled the campus whore. You don’t want to be guilty by association.”
“Shit, you heard the gossip? I’m sorry Shiv, but you know I don’t give a rat’s ass about these people.” As we head to the grill, I tell her how childish people are. Nobody will say shit to my face. They just mumble shit behind my back. Fucking cowards.
Jordan tells me to keep my head up and ignore the stupidity. We agree to meet each other at the car after this last class before heading in different directions. I decide to check my mail at the campus post office. It’s full since it’s been a while since I last checked it, but a letter from the Department of Marketing catches my attention. I open it, only to find that I have another appointment with Dr. Greer this afternoon at 2:30 p.m. My heart rate accelerates and I’m tempted to call Grayson. Did he have to meet with him as well? I pull out my phone to see if I have any missed messages, but there is nothing. Have they wrapped up their investigation? I blow out a deep breath and stuff the mail in my messenger bag. I’m late for class. I guess I’ll have my answer in a couple of hours.
I shoot Jordan off a quick text to remind her of the impromptu meeting I have with Dr. Greer before entering his office promptly at 2:30 p.m. He instructs me to have a seat—that they have concluded their investigation. “Originally, our meeting was supposed to include of the other department heads, but due to a recent development, the decision has been made to push forward. The others were going to need to clear their schedules but I told them it was unnecessary,” Dr. Greer informs. What does that mean? Does he know about Grayson and I seeing each other this weekend? Am I being expelled? “Ms. Gallagher, after an extensive investigation, it has been determined that you earned your grade.” Holy crap, that was quick. Things can’t be this simple. I grasp the sides of my chair in anticipation—waiting for the other shoe to drop.
“What does this mean?” I question. I know there’s more. What is my punishment?
“It means we are willing to let you finish your time here. You’ve been an exemplar student to this point. There are some stipulations, however,” he cautions. Okay, what’s the catch? He arches that damn menacing eyebrow that sets me on edge. His demeanor doesn’t scream ‘we forgive your behavior,’ but at least he’s not all in my personal space today. “You can’t have any further contact with Professor Michaels for the duration of your time here as a student. Not in any capacity. We are aware of the talk that is already going around campus and we are prepared to make a statement if necessary. Hopefully, with time, this will become old news and the students will move onto another story. I caution you, Ms. Gallagher, if you don’t adhere to these simple terms, you will indeed be expelled.” His glare pins me to my seat. The words he is not saying are even scarier than the ones spewing from his mouth.
“What’s the catch?” I blurt. Grayson and I were already prepared to stay away from each other. Surely they can’t allow us to walk away from this without any ramifications. Shit, that’s it. What about Grayson? What is going to happen to him?
“There is no catch. I’ve explained the conditions in which you much comply with in order to remain a student here. We also ask that you don’t discuss any details regarding your relationship with the professor or the outcome of this situation. We need this indiscretion to become yesterday’s news.”
“What about Grayson—I mean Professor Michaels?” I know I should leave well enough alone, but I need to know.
“Ms. Gallagher, I advise you from this point on not to be concerned with affairs of Professor Michaels. He is no longer faculty here and that is all you need to know,” he warns.
Holy Shit. That’s why I’m getting off so lightly. They’re sticking it to Grayson. He gonna take the fall for this. Oh my God. What did he do? I told him that I didn’t want this. I try to focus on the warnings that Dr. Greer is issuing, but I can feel the anger building within me.
“That will be all, Ms. Gallagher,” he says dismissing me with that demeaning wave off thing he does. I keep my cool long enough to answer him.
“Yes sir,” I say simply. I don’t even thank him for the opportunity to stay in school because it is at the expense of Grayson. Instead I nod and hurry out the door. I need to find Jordan. I need to use her car again. This is not a conversation that I’m going to have with Grayson over the phone. It’s not quite four yet, so he should still be at the office. I call Jordan and she tells me that she got a bite to eat while she waited for me to finish my meeting. We agree to meet at the car. I get there before she does. She finds me pacing in front of the car when she arrives.
“What did you find out?” she asks as she approaches. Fear resonates in her tone.
“I get to finish school and I still get credit for the class I took with Grayson,” I mumble. “Apparently after their ‘investigation,’ they are satisfied that I did earn my grade.” Jordan eyes me closely. She knows that is not the end of it.
She doesn’t rejoice for me being in the clear because she knows there is more. “What’s the catch Siobhan?”
“They fired Grayson. Dr. Greer said that he is no longer faculty here,” I cry. Tears threaten to fall. “I didn’t want this. It’s not fair Jordan. I ruined his career as a professor. Yes, I know he had a choice too, but that’s just it. We were in this together and he took the fall by himself. How can I live with that?” I can no longer hold back the tears.
“I know you’re hurting Shiv, but Grayson didn’t want this to affect you. I know you don’t want to hear this, but he’ll be okay. This could have been detrimental to you. How could he have lived with that?” She has a point, but it still bothers me. I have to see him.
“I have to see him Jordan. I need to use your car.”
“Shiv, Dr. Greer told you to stay away from him. You don’t want to get yourself expelled. Grayson’s termination will be in vain,” she reasons.
“His self-imposed separation from me will remain intact. I just need to see him. I need answers. What did he do? I can’t let him get fired and I just walk away without acknowledging how monumental this is.”
“Fine, but be careful. You guys work your shit out and then you get your ass back home. You’re going to have to stay away from him after this, until you graduate.”
I drop her off at home and head to Grayson’s office. The same receptionist is in the lobby. We go through the same routine of her calling to announce my arrival with his secretary before she creates me a temporary badge. When I get to the 27th floor, Gloria escorts me to the conference room and tells me that Grayson will be in shortly. I don’t know whether to sit or stand. I walk around the large oval table to stare out the window. The room is eerily quiet except for the drips of coffee brewing from the coffee maker in the corner. The door opens and closes as Grayson enters the room. His eyes are hard.
“What are you doing here Siobhan?” His words are very noticeably hard and abrupt. “Was Dr. Greer not clear that you were to stay away from me?” His abrasiveness is like a gut punch. I go to him, desperate for an inkling of affection.
“He told me you were no longer faculty. Did you get fired? Grayson, what did you do?” I reach to embrace him, but he pushes my hands away. I’m confused because nobody can see us right now.
“I didn’t get fired. I walked away and now I’m walking away from you.” He turns to leave and I shamelessly grab a hold of his dress shirt.
“What does that mean Grayson?” My voice cracks and my eyes water. Vanessa picks this moment to peek her head in.
“Grayson, our lunch is here,” she announces. She looks in my direction with a contemptuous smile. Her eyes convey victory as she casually flips her hair. “Oh hello, Siobhan,” she says as an afterthought. I don’t bother answering her.
“I’ll only be another minute,” he assures. My heart breaks just a little more. My hand slips from his shirt. I watch the evil bitch wink at him.
“Okay. I’ll have everything set up in my office,” she says flirtatiously. Once she leaves, Grayson turns toward me and gives me the final fuck off.
“I told you we needed to take a break and you didn’t listen. I can’t do this,” he hurries out in a hushed tone.
“Do what?” My legs begin to tremble. This can’t be happening. Tears flow freely now, but it doesn’t deter him. His eyes are cold.
“I can’t do us. Siobhan. This is me breaking up with you. Don’t come here again. You won’t be allowed up. Stay away from me.” He turns on his heel and begins to walk out.
“Grayson!” I scream. “So you’re just going to go back to fucking Vanessa now? Is that it? You told me you loved me.” I scoff at my own self internally at how damn cliché I sound, but I can’t help it.
Grayson levels a serious stare at me, looking very convincingly unphased actually. “Good bye, Siobhan. See yourself out or security will,” he says buttoning up his suit jacket. The mask he has up is glacial and impenetrable. He leaves and I am standing here stunned. Did this really just happen? I will not let myself have a breakdown in the middle of his conference room. Who was that man I just spoke to? How could he be so callus? I’m suffocating on his dismissal. I don’t even want to think about him meeting Vanessa for lunch. Will he attempt to fuck me out of his system again? I need to get out of here. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and briskly walk out the door.
I don’t look at the people milling around the halls or the people in the elevator when I get in. I can feel their eyes on me, but I keep my head down. As I pull out of the parking garage, a light drizzle forms on the windshield. A sense of deja vu’ passes over me. Desperate to drown out my own thoughts, I connect my phone to the car speakers and select my 90s playlist. Berlin’s “Take My Breath Away” from the movie Top Gun begins playing and I laugh out loud at the irony. I let it play because it is exactly how the fuck I feel. I long to hear those very words. The drive home is on autopilot. By the time I walk into our condo, I’m numb. Jordan is sitting there with the girls. They all look up when they see me. I forgot about margarita Monday.
“How did it go?” Jordan asks.
“He broke up with me,” I answer flatly. She gets ups and runs to my side.
“Oh Shiv. I’m so sorry babe.” I put my hand up. I don’t want anyone’s pity. I want to maintain this new numbness I’ve managed to create.
“I’ll be in my room. You guys have fun. I’m not in the mood tonight.” Meghan and Angie nod in understanding, but Bailey comes over and hugs me.
“I understand. I don’t know what happened between you and my brother, but I’ll give you space,” she says as she pats my back.
Jordan follows me into the room. “Do you want me to get rid of them? We can resume this next week.” She watches as I undress and throw my clothes in a pile on the floor along with my messenger bag. I pull my covers back and get into bed.
“No. I’ll be fine. I need some time to myself anyway.”
“Okay, but only for a couple of hours. I’ll wrap it up early tonight and then I’m coming in here so you better just get over it. I’m not leaving you alone.” I roll my eyes and she gives me a half smile. Once she leaves I decide to call my mom. I just need to hear her voice. She was actually supposed to come out here this month for a nursing conference, but couldn’t get the time off work because a couple of people quit. She is ecstatic to hear from me and wants to talk about my upcoming graduation. I’m glad we don’t have to have the alternative conversation. We talk about how things are going at her job and the books she’s currently reading. She catches me off guard when she mentions that she would love for us to visit Paris this summer. My numbness shell fucking splinters into a million pieces and the damn breaks.
“Siobhan, what is wrong honey?” I can hear the worry in her voice. I can’t tell her the man that possesses my soul promised to take me to Paris after graduation. We were going to finally have a life free of secrecy.
“Nothing Mom,” I lie. “Just tears of happiness. I can’t believe you remember my love for Paris,” I sniffle. Jordan busts through the door, but pauses when she sees me on the phone. Unfortunately, she sees the tears too.
“Of course dear. How could I forget? Your bedroom could’ve been a tribute to Paris.” And she’s right. I had everything from posters, figurines, you name it. I even attempted to learn French once, but then gave it up for Spanish since it was more practical in Texas. “Those didn’t sound like happy tears Siobhan. Do you have something else you want to talk about?” She’s not fooled.
“No. I’ll call you back Mom. Jordan just walked in.” Jordan yells out a hello.
“Okay. I’ll wait to hear from you. Tell Jordan I said hello too. Love you sweetheart.”
“Love you too Mom.” We hang up and Jordan disappears out of the room. When she comes back I can’t help but smile. She has an arm full of popcorn, candy, and miniature bottles of Mondavi cabernet sauvignon. She dumps everything on my bed before rummaging through my nightstand for the T.V. remote. Although I have a T.V. mounted, I hardly ever watch it in here.
“It hasn’t been two hours Jordan—more like thirty minutes,” I point out.
“That went out the window when I heard you in here balling your eyes out. The girls understood. Now hush up. This is Operation Forget Grayson. Margarita Monday has been revised to movie night.” She starts the comedy 21 Jump Street and I’m laughing my head off within five minutes into the movie. This is exactly what I needed.