I walk to the kitchen to make a sandwich since I missed lunch. Jordan’s door is halfway open so I can see that she is on the phone. She is probably talking to Trevor again. I walk back to my room and set my phone on its iHome docking station. I’m in the mood for music. Stateless’ “Bloodstream” fills the room and my mind falls on Grayson. The doorbell rings followed by heavy knocking. I can hear Jordan padding to the door so I resume my trance. Then I hear an angry Jordan and I go on alert.
“You can’t be here you bastard. I’m calling the fucking police.” Oh she is spitting mad. Her steps are louder now as two sets of footsteps head toward my door.
“Do what you must, sweetheart, but I’m not leaving without talking to her.” Damn.
The door swings open and there he is. His eyes are pleading for me to hear him out. “You didn’t answer my texts or my calls. We need to talk.”
“She doesn’t have shit to say to you, asswipe,” Jordan spits.
“Jordan, it’s okay. I’ll handle this. Let us have a minute.” She rolls her eyes in frustration and stomps away. I know leaving was hard for her to do, but she is giving me the privacy I asked for. I cross my arms over my chest and Grayson’s eyes immediately keen in on my now lifted breasts. It is only now that I realize that I’m only in a camisole and panties.
I shrug my shoulders. Well, it’s not like he hasn’t seen me naked. “What do you want, Grayson?”
“Are you back with Liam? Are you fucking him?” His hands are balled into fists at his side.
“That’s none of your business. Next question.” He actually growls at my response before taking a deep breath.
“Okay. Let me try again. I want to start by apologizing that I didn’t come see you in the hospital. I feel like it was all my fault.”
“So you’re here out of guilt? Let me save you the trouble. It’s not your fault. It was the rain.” I don’t tell him that I was crying my eyes out. “And you did come. You just let Vanessa talk you out of seeing me. There was no need to tarnish your reputation for me.”
He closes the distance between us. He reaches for me, but then lets his hands fall to his side when he sees my opposing stance. “Oh baby, is that what you thought? You couldn’t be further from the truth.” He has the nerves to reach for me again, but I back away. Meanwhile “Bloodstream” continues to play like a soundtrack for our reunion.
“Oh no. You don’t get to call me that. You left me remember?” He flinches at my accusation.
“I’m sorry that you had to hear that, but if you were listening, you’d know that I had to leave.” He starts pacing back and forth. “I left to protect you. Not me. I—,”
“Bullshit. I didn’t ask you to protect me.” He rushes back over to me and pulls me into his arms, but I struggle to get free.
“I promise you, I didn’t want to leave. I just couldn’t risk your academic future by calling Vanessa’s bluff.”
I finally break free and we just stare at each other. Then the strangest thing happens. Grayson drops to his knees in surrender. His hands grasp my hips as he rests his head on my stomach. I can feel his labored breaths. The grip he has on my hips tightens to the point his arms are trembling. I’m frozen to this spot. He is barely holding it together and I’m caught off guard. I’ve never seen this side of him. He seems so broken. He keeps his head buried in my stomach as he begins to talk. “Tell me how to make this right, baby. I need to make us right again,” he pleads.
“You dumped me, Grayson. And then you fucked Vanessa and rubbed my face in it at Bailey’s house-warming.” I try to separate myself from him, but he is still holding on tight.
“I got scared and pushed you away. I was scared because I fell in love with you. I am irrevocably in love with you.”
“So let me get this straight. You fall in love with me, so you go and stick your dick in someone else? That’s real comforting.”
“I panicked, but I swear it would never happen again. I just wasn’t ready. The last time I let love in, it nearly destroyed me.” He looks up at me and a lone tear slides down his cheek. I know immediately that I have just lost my will to stay angry with him. Technically we were just fuck buddies so I didn’t have a claim to him. And he did end it with me before sleeping with Vanessa. This rationalization still doesn’t ease the pain. I look at him once again and I can tell that he is genuinely hurting, just like I am. I pull him up and we never lose eye contact. He bends his head down and silently asks to kiss me. He stops just millimeters away from my mouth. His breath caresses my lips and in this moment I want nothing more than his mouth on mine. “May I?” He’s giving me a chance to deny him, but I no longer have the will.
I answer his request by wiping the tear away with my thumb and bringing his lips to mine. The kiss starts slow and passionate. His hand skims along my hip as he deepens the kiss. He nips my bottom lip before licking away the pain. I can feel his erection growing along my stomach. He lifts me up and I instinctively wrap my legs around his waist. He growls as I grind myself against his cock. Things are getting hot and heavy fast until my door swings open.
“I don’t believe this shit. You’re just going to let this motherfucker back in your good graces? God I never should have left you two alone. I knew once I no longer heard the arguing that you were forgiving him,” Jordan screams. “I can’t believe you Shiv,” she whispers this time before walking out of the room shaking her head.
Grayson puts me down. “I think I better go,” he says solemnly. “Why don’t you come over this weekend so we can talk about where we go from here?” I find myself biting on the pad of my thumb. This is not good. Awkward tension fills the room. I don’t want him to leave so soon, but I know Jordan and I need to talk. Her protective hackles are up and I must somehow smoothe this over. First, I must convey to Grayson that things will not be the way they were before.
“Whatever we decide, we need to go slow. I’m not going to be your fuck buddy again.”
“You were never a fuck buddy,” he says with air quotes. “But let’s talk when there is not a threat of interruptions,” he suggests.
There are so many questions that I need answered, but I agree to table them for now. I need to placate Jordan. Grayson gives me one last forehead kiss before heading out the door. As soon as he is gone, the wrath of Jordan is upon me.
She walks in with a cool exterior, but I’m not fooled. “I’m just going to say this and then I’m done.”
“Jordan—,” I begin, but I’m silenced immediately.
“Let me finish Shiv.” She takes a deep breath before continuing. “I’ve watched two men destroy you in the course of one semester. You always say that your mother taught you that love is volatile, yet you subconsciously yearn to be loved. So much so that you take unnecessary risks.”
“He says he loves me Jordan and I believe him. It’s awful the way things transpired, but technically I had no claim to him.”
“Damn, it’s worse than I thought. You’re rationalizing his behavior. Regardless of any title, he fucked someone else as soon as he dumped you. He showed you that you were easily replaceable. Only this time around will be much worse if you’re in an actual relationship. He destroyed you before and you’re giving him the opportunity to smash the remaining pieces of your sanity. You’re giving him too much power to hurt you Shiv and I don’t want any part of it. You’re on your own.” I am stunned stupid. I can’t form one coherent sentence. I know there is truth to what she is saying, but it still hurts to hear it. She stomps out of my room and slams the door, betraying that cool facade she entered with.
Once she is gone, the damn breaks and my tears come in a rush. I turn off the music that had faded in the background and then crawl into bed. I cry my eyes out at the unfairness of it all.
I am anxious this morning to discover what the dynamic of my relationship with Jordan will be. Has she calmed down? It’s my life, damn it. After getting ready, I walk into the kitchen and see that she is sitting in the same spot she was yesterday morning. Except this time she isn’t on the phone and there is no coffee made for me. I pop a k-cup of coffee in the Keurig and watch her as she keeps her back to me. So this is how she’s going to play it—the silent treatment. After my coffee finishes brewing, I put it in my travel mug and go stand next to her. She doesn’t acknowledge my presence. Instead she gets up and head out the door, leaving me no choice but to follow her so I don’t get left behind. The car ride to school is silent and awkward. The tension lies thick in the air. I watch the traffic out of my passenger window so she doesn’t see the tears that threaten to release. My face is hot with frustration that she is making me choose a side. Her non-verbalized ultimatum is as clear as writing on the wall. If I get involved with Grayson again, I will lose our friendship. She talks about the risk of Grayson hurting me again, yet she is doing a fine job all on her own.
When the car comes to a stop, I get out as fast as I can in this annoying boot and head towards my first class.
I’m heart-broken that my closest friendship is in the toilet. I can’t choose Grayson over her and she knows it. It’s so unfair. I’m not allowed to see if we have a real shot to make things work? I resent that Jordan is trying to take my chance at happiness away from me. I know she thinks she is protecting me, but I didn’t ask for her protection. Maybe I am making a huge mistake by letting Grayson back in, but isn’t that for me to find out?
My three classes fly by in a haze. I’ve been distracted the whole day. I’m supposed to meet Jordan by the library since this is our meet up spot before driving home. I wonder if she will show up or will she leave me? She can’t be that mad or could she? I reach the library and she is not here. Ten more minutes pass and I sink to the steps in defeat. A couple of tears trickle from my eyes before a pair of feet appear in front of me. I look up slowly and Jordan visibly finches at the sight of my tear stained face, but she stays quiet. I get up and follow her to the car. She puts music on to fill the silence this time and I’m thankful for the reprieve. My phone buzzes in my purse so I take it out, hoping that it is not Grayson. I see that I have a few missed calls from an unknown number and I freeze. I’m hesitant to open the text message just left, but I do anyway.
Unknown Caller: Welcome back Shiv!!! I see you’re healing nicely. Did you like my little surprise with your tire?
My face blanches and my stomach twists. My phone stalker just confirmed that he or she was responsible for my accident. Even worse, he or she knows that I’m back and is definitely watching me. I start to hyperventilate as fear grips me and steals my breath.
“What is it Shiv?” Jordan breaks her silence once she senses something is wrong.
I still can’t speak so I pass her the phone. I watch as she gasps in horror. She quickly whips the car around in a U-turn to head in the opposite direction. “We’re going to the police right now.”
I can only nod. The realization that someone is trying to kill me is sitting heavily on my chest and I can’t breathe. Jordan takes us to the precinct where Officer Richards works since he already has knowledge of the case. We are in luck that he is working today. He attempts to trace the source of the text and call, but it only leads to a burner phone as he suspected. He explains there isn’t much to go on until this sick fuck makes a move. There’s not much the police can do. He knows how scared I am and promises that he will personally patrol our area to see if he notices anything—nothing official, but I’m still thankful. He gives me safety tips including avoid being alone and paying attention to my surroundings. He also thinks carrying mace might help me feel more secure. Yeah, right. I’m scared shitless. Jordan pats my shoulder as we head out of the police station and it is her fist initiation of warmness since she stormed out of my room yesterday.
The ride home is slightly awkward. I don’t know if her concern means she is not mad at me anymore.
“I’m scared, Jor,” I admit. “Who would want to hurt me?”
“I know and I am too. Hopefully Officer Richards patrolling our area will help him catch this crazy bastard. Do you think it’s possible that is Vanessa?”
“I don’t think so. I think the calls began before she knew about Grayson and me. Besides I don’t think she’s that crazy.”
“I don’t know. The jury is still out on that one. I’m not going to rule her out just yet. Well, at least I know you’re safe as long as you avoid being alone.” She lets out a deep breath and I just know she is about address the big ass elephant in the car. “We need to talk,” she begins. “I said some harsh things to you yesterday, but I just felt so disappointed in your choice to let the man who nearly destroyed you have a second chance.”
“Jordan, Grayson and I are not together. We still have a lot to discuss and even then I would want things to go slow this time.” I sneak a peek at her from the corner of my eye. I tangle my fingers together in my lap and push forward. “I don’t want to lose our friendship and I think you know I would never choose a man over you— well unless that man was my husband,” I say smiling.
“I know and the same here. I don’t want to make you choose. I just want you to be smart and not let your heart make the decisions for you. I don’t ever want to see you so distraught again.” She reaches over and untangles my hands and squeezes my hand in hers. “During our talks you always tell me how volatile love is and how you will never put up with the things your mother dealt with. Hell, Liam was kicked to the curb for his indiscretion and you moved on rather quickly. I’m just afraid Grayson’s hold on you is so much stronger than you realize.”
“Me and Grayson’s arrangement was different. Neither one of us planned to take things as far as they went. He explained that he fell in love with me and didn’t know what to do with that. I’m gathering he was burned the last time he fell in love so he did what a lot of men do—he ran.” Jordan parks the car once we arrive at our condo and gives me her full attention. “The only reason I’m even considering going down that road again is because we weren’t in a relationship or an arrangement either for that matter, when he slept with Vanessa. Still he has a lot explaining to do regarding the things Vanessa disclosed at the hospital.”
Jordan nods her head in agreement and we head inside. I had told her everything over the holidays before she left to go on a retreat with her parents.
“Just tread lightly. Make him work for your affection. I was pissed yesterday, but you know I will always have your back.”
“Thanks Jor. This whole fiasco has actually given me some time to reflect on what I want.” I look her in the eyes so she can see my conviction. “I’m no longer willing to hide behind my parent’s failed marriage. I refuse to use them as a measure of how love is or isn’t. You have to work at it and you get what you accept. That being said, Grayson has his work cut out for him.” I smile at my newfound introspection and Jordan smiles back at me.
“That is what I want to hear. It’s all that I ask for.” She seems satisfied with my reasoning so we change the subject. “So I heard from Trevor today. He’ll be back in town this weekend. I can’t wait to see him,” she gushes. Trevor graduated this past December so he took an extended break during his visit home.
“That’s good to hear. You guys may need to get a room for all the make-up-for-lost-time sex you’re going to have. I definitely don’t want the surround sound edition,” I laugh.
“Me? You and professor lover boy are probably going to be getting it in with some hot make-up sex,” she teases.
I playfully punch her in the arm. “I told you I wanted to go slow. I don’t plan on having sex with him.”
“That is what you say now until your unused vagina becomes alert to the carnal pheromones he will be putting off.”
“Jordan, you are so retarded, you know that right?”
“You’ll see.” She starts taking out ingredients to cook and we settle into our familiar routine.