Chapter Seven
Tossing and turning in the unfamiliar bed, his sleep was restless and the images that plagued him were strong.
Gage climbed into the chute and started to adjust his rope. The bull was blowing hard and he could tell it was going to be a rough ride. The bull wasn’t one from Harper’s breeders but instead had the look of a rougher animal. It reminded him of the one he’d ridden back when he’d been in junior rodeo at about age thirteen. That one had bucked him so hard he’d broken his ribs.
He glanced over to tell his spotter to give him more rope so he could adjust the slack and looked straight into his brother’s eyes. Marty had on the same battered hat he’d always worn when they practiced on the ranch.
“Don’t screw this up,” Marty said, pushing his hat back on his forehead, staring at Gage with that solid, serious gaze of his.
God, he’d missed his brother, but Marty was here. “The ride? I won’t. I know what I’m doing.”
“Not the ride, little bro. Life,” Marty said.
“What?” Gage asked and just then the chute opened and the bull charged out of the pen. Bucking hard enough to jar Gage off his back. He flew through the air landing hard on his back and blinking his eyes as he saw his brother standing over him.
“You don’t have this. You need to concentrate.”
He blinked again and then opened his eyes. He was in bed with Sierra curled against his side and the dark hotel room ceiling above him.
What the f—?
He was sweating and his heart was racing as if he’d really been thrown by his ride so he carefully got out of the bed and made his way to the adjoining bathroom, picking up his robe on the way.
He closed the door quietly behind him. Sierra had left the night-light on in the bathroom so he could see his own reflection in the large mirror over the sink. He let the robe fall to the floor and put his hands on the marble counter.
Was he losing his mind?
Staring at his own face wasn’t going to give him any answers. Hell, he probably was halfway to crazy town. No sane man would pretend to be his deceased brother just to see a look of pride in his father’s eyes.
Maybe that was what Marty had meant. It was hard to tell and he wasn’t really up for trying to decipher his own dreams. He had never had any that he wanted to remember and he could do without this one lingering.
He turned on the water tap and splashed his face, hoping that would rinse away the last of the dream. He dried his face off and then reached for the robe on the floor, put it on.
What was he doing here with Sierra?
She was his sponsor. And he knew he couldn’t treat this like a casual hookup. Though to be honest he’d never had any other type of relationship with women. He just wasn’t the put down roots and let’s make plans for next month kind of guy.
She hadn’t indicated she wanted more than something casual from him. But everything about her made it obvious she wasn’t a casual lay. She was serious and steady. She’d said herself that her sister thought she didn’t act her age.
And that didn’t bother Gage at all.
What bothered him was he liked her.
He wanted to somehow change in this one moment the man he was. Change the way he never could do anything right and maybe figure out a way to stay.
Except he couldn’t.
He needed to concentrate and keep on winning.
So Daddy will like you.
He glanced over his shoulder. Damn that had sounded like Marty’s voice. But it was only in his head. His brother’s ghost wasn’t haunting him in Sacramento. It was his own conscience riding him about the mistakes he’d made.
He wasn’t even sure if he was riding for himself or for his dad. Which was beyond…well just beyond. But he did know he loved being back here. Being on tour made him feel alive in a way that working on the oil rigs never had. Here he wasn’t the odd one out. Everyone on the tour from the three Brazilian rookies to the old dogs had bumps and bruises on the inside and out.
He’d found a home…sort of.
And Sierra?
Hell, tonight he couldn’t think. He’d started out wanting to fight to this. He felt that restlessness stirring in him again and knew he should get out of here before he couldn’t control it. Until his temper and his own self-destructiveness got the better of him.
He opened the door and glanced over at the bed where she lay sleeping. She looked so small on the bed. Curled toward his pillow, her hair fanned out on her own. He stood there and just watched her. Wanted something that he knew he really couldn’t have.
He needed to have his own shit together before he did anything like this again. Especially with her.
It was one thing to hook up with the buckle bunnies who knew the score and had the same expectations, but it was something different to sleep with Sierra.
He turned on his heel, walking out into the main area of the suite where his clothes were neatly piled near the closet by the door and he got changed as quickly and quietly as he could.
He let himself out of the room and took the stairs instead of the elevator to the lobby. It was quiet at this time of the morning and chilly as he stood at the valet stand waiting for his truck.
As he drove away from the hotel, he didn’t look back. He’d walked away from people and places before. And always it had been for the best. Not for himself but for those he’d left behind. He knew his own strengths and weaknesses better than anyone.
*
Sierra woke up alone. She rolled over, felt the cold sheets and realized that Gage had been gone for a while. Glancing at the nightstand she saw that it was nearly seven. He probably had some ritual things that like he liked to do before he rode on Saturday. Many of the guys did and she got that.
She got out of bed and saw her nightie on the floor and picked it up, putting it on before she went into the main living area of the suite. She saw his robe in a pile by the front door and went to pick it up. She brought it to her nose and sniffed it before she realized what she was doing and tossed it over the back of the love seat in the living area.
Last night had been great fun. She had to keep thinking of it in those terms. She hadn’t been looking for anything from him and she was okay with the fact that he was gone.
Really, she was.
She shook her head as she went to her in-room Keurig machine and powered it up to make a cup of coffee.
She wasn’t okay with it.
Lying to herself wasn’t going to make the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach go away. She knew that. She’d never been the kind of woman who thought about temporary. Even in college she’d avoided the mid-term stress-relieving hookups that some of her sorority sisters swore by. She just didn’t have time for that.
She liked to think she was more mature than that. But this morning feeling sorry for herself because she was alone, she realized she wasn’t.
Her room phone rang and she reached over to get it. Heart racing as she hoped it was Gage.
“Hello.”
“Hey, sis. I heard you sent Bruce packing last night. About time someone did. I hate the way he just creeps around watching us while we work. Do you want to grab breakfast before we head back to the tour grounds?”
She swallowed her disappointment. Focusing instead on the positives. Her job. “I know Bruce is only doing his job, but Dad either trusts us or he doesn’t. I do have time for breakfast but need to hop in the shower real quick. Want to meet in thirty minutes?”
“Late start for you,” Savanna said. “And do you really get ready in thirty?”
“Yeah. The longest bit is blow-drying my hair,” she said.
“How about I order room service and have it delivered to your room?” Savanna said. “That way we don’t have to wait for a table downstairs.”
“Perfect,” Sierra said. They had exchanged extra keys yesterday so they could let themselves into each other’s rooms. “Come over when you’re ready.”
“See ya soon,” Savanna said.
Sierra hung up the phone and left her half-drank cup of coffee on the side table, going into her room to shower and dress. She put on her makeup, dried her hair and almost convinced herself she was back to normal until she walked into the living area and saw Savanna sitting on the sofa with Gage’s robe draped behind her.
She had the TV on the sports channel that was covering the American Extreme Bull Riders Tour and it was playing highlights. She watched the footage from the ring for a moment before her sister turned and saw her standing in the doorway.
“I guess you weren’t alone last night, which explains the slow start this morning,” she said.
“How do you know it’s not my robe?” Sierra asked, putting in one of the earrings she had carried in her hand.
“It smells like aftershave and a little bit like sex,” Savanna said. “I’m not judging. It’s about time you started enjoying the perks of working with these guys.”
“Well, it’s not like that.”
“It’s not?” Savanna asked.
Thankfully there was a knock at the door before her sister could ask anything else. Sierra booked it to let the room service guy in with their breakfast, directing him to set it up in the dining area and then signing the check. The breakfast under the cloches smelled delicious and she realized that she was starving.
“Do you want to talk about him?” Savanna said as she came over and sat down at one of the places.
“No, I don’t,” Sierra said. “Did we both get the same thing?”
“Yes,” Savanna said. “Spinach and egg white omelet with avocado toast.”
“Thanks, sis.”
“No problem,” Savanna said. “It was a guy from the tour, right?”
“Savanna, please.”
“Okay, I won’t ask anything else,” she said. “I’m just surprised and the way you’re acting makes me a little bit concerned about you.”
“Don’t be. It wasn’t anything other than some fun. I was ticked off about Bruce and he was running from something as well. We just went out drinking and dancing and had some fun.”
Savanna started eating her breakfast.
“Fun is good. Mom is coming down tonight. She wants us to go to dinner together. Are you available?”
She had forgotten about that. Given that Gage had left she was pretty sure she was available for dinner with her mom and sister. “Of course.”
She turned the conversation to the events they had planned for the day and tried to focus on her family and her job. Last night was in the past and she needed to leave it there. Gage had done her a favor by leaving because it would have been a hundred times more awkward if he’d been in the room when Savanna had called.
Or so she thought until she got to the tour grounds and couldn’t find Gage anywhere. And when he came out for his ride, their eyes met for a split second and then he looked away. He rode well scoring high in the points table and she thought about going to talk to him; but as she approached the riders’ area she noticed a bevy of buckle bunnies hanging around waiting for the riders and made herself walk past.
*
Gage was back in the dressing room before finals in Sacramento. He’d had a good ride earlier and knew he’d gotten lucky that he’d drawn a good bull to ride. Because his concentration hadn’t been worth shit. He’d seen Sierra in the stands. Noticed how pale and fragile she looked and then turned away from her. He had a fan event later but he was trying to figure out how to avoid her there. He wasn’t ready to talk to her.
At first leaving had seemed the right thing to do. Hell he still thought it was but now that he was faced with the reality of seeing her again, he knew that he’d screwed up last night.
Big time.
He should have stuck to riding. He should have just walked right past her instead of kissing her and taking her dancing. He should have—but he hadn’t. So here he was looking like some damned rookie who’d been bucked off his first ride and hoping like hell no one noticed.
He was looking at the rope in his hands like it held some kind of answer. It didn’t. He worked over the frayed edges until he had the rope the exact way he liked it. He remembered the first time he’d done this.
Marty had been standing over him talking him through it.
Don’t cut it too close. Trim a little more off there. Okay you got it. Run it through your hands to make sure it feels right.
He’d forgotten the good times with his brother. Had allowed his father’s words at the hospital that day to steal his brother from him. All Gage could remember was how he’d been the one alive and his dad had wanted him and Marty to switch places. And that had poisoned his memories of Marty.
But being on the tour was bringing back the good times. When they’d been younger and Marty had been his hero. He’d followed his brother everywhere he went. Marty had been ten years Gage’s senior and most of the time Marty didn’t mind it.
He’d always been patient and kind. Everything that their father hadn’t been. Gage got it. He understood that his birth had been really hard on his mom and that she’d almost died after he’d been born. It made sense to him that his father would resent him. Plus he’d already had a perfect son.
One whose shadow Gage still felt like he stood in.
He rubbed the back of his neck.
F—.
He remembered his dream…hell, it haunted him. Marty telling him not to screw up.
What would his brother really say if he were here?
He felt that pang in his chest as he realized again how much he missed his brother. He got up and left the dressing room, went into the hallway where he was alone. He needed to talk to someone. Not his brother’s ghost or even his dad. He wanted to talk to Nick. His brother’s best friend had taken on the role of surrogate brother to Gage without either of them planning on it.
Nicholas Blue had started riding about the same time as Marty and they’d traveled together everywhere. Gage had always trailed along behind them when they were in Oklahoma but when Marty had died…Nick had lost it. He’d left the rodeo and disappeared. Kind of the same way that Gage had. Except that Nick had inherited a chunk of a huge ranch in Whiskey River and a fourth of the Kelly Boots empire. Nick had settled down since Marty had died. He had his daughter Martina and his barrel-racing wife, Reba, and a breeding program that he’d been trying to get off the ground for a little over a year now.
Gage went to his gear, digging out his cell phone and messaged Nick.
Gage: Hey. Getting ready to ride and can’t shake the feeling that something’s off.
Dancing dots appeared in the response window.
Nick: The finals can do you like that. Take a deep breath. Now picture yourself in the chute on the bull.
Gage tipped his head back and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath in and then let it out. He did what Nick said and imagined the feel of the rope around his gloved hand and the muscled power of the bull between his legs as it got ready to bolt.
He went through the ride in his head. Moving with the bull and staying on until the end. He opened his eyes.
Gage: Thanks. Needed that.
Nick: That’s what bros are for. Are you coming to WR soon? Martina misses her favorite Unca.
Gage: Ha. I hope you mentioned to Xander that I’m the favorite.
Nick: I did. So when can we expect you?
Gage: I’m in El Paso at the end of August. I could stop by after that.
Nick: It’s a plan. Good luck on your ride today.
Gage: Thanks.
He got up and put his phone back in his bag and then paced around the dressing room. Everyone in the room was busy getting their head into the ride. Gage knew better than to stay in the room when he was so on edge. He stepped back out into the hall and paced up and down until he was needed.
He took his ride and it was better than he’d expected. He’d made the most of his eight seconds, scored up in the high eighties, and as he showered and headed to the Montez Denim tent for his meet and greet, he knew that the time for running from Sierra was over. That ride had shown him that he wasn’t playing at being a rider; he was one. This was exactly where he was meant to be. And it was time for him to stop phoning it in.
But when he got to the Montez Denim tent Sierra wasn’t there. Regret was nothing new to him but this time he felt like he might have let something special slip through his fingers.