Gray
A week later, I was sitting in my office pulling together all my paperwork on Tessa’s job. Gathering it together to hand off to Eli. I’d gone to her house once last week to meet with a subcontractor while she was off volunteering. All it took was one step in her house, one whiff of her perfume lingering in the air to know I couldn’t work with Tessa for the rest of her renovation and not go crazy.
“Heard you were looking for me.” Eli stuck his head in my office. “What’s up?”
“I’m passing the Madigan job to you,” I said, staying focused on my piles of paperwork. I could predict the look I’d find in Eli’s eyes and didn’t need it today. Especially since I’d agreed to meet with Tessa this afternoon.
I simply needed to hold it together until Tessa was done having her say, and then I’d lock up all things Tessa and regain my control. Maybe my sanity. Who the fuck knew? I didn’t anymore.
When Eli didn’t say anything, I looked up. He stood inside my office now, arms crossed over his chest, frowning at me. I held the folder out to him, trying to hurry this along.
He still just stared at me. And then he came further into my office and slid onto one of the chairs in front of my desk. My client chairs. For clients. Not brothers. Not brothers who were about to give me a hard time.
“This is bullshit, Gray,” Eli said.
“We shuffle jobs all the time when needed. This is not bullshit.” I tossed Tessa’s file back onto my desk. “Fine. If you can’t take it on, I’ll pass it to Wyatt.”
“You know how I know it’s bullshit? Because you’ve never let me handle a client selection appointment. Never. You said either my taste sucks or I’m color blind. That’s how I know this is bullshit.”
Okay, well, he had me there.
“I think you like Tessa—maybe you’ve even fallen for her—and that has you scared. Because you don’t do relationships, do you? Because then you’d have to let someone in. And that leaves you vulnerable. But you’re only vulnerable if you love them…”
I pushed back from my desk and out of my chair, turning my back on Eli to stare out the window but not actually seeing anything outside. This wasn’t about denying my feelings for Tessa. I was aware that she meant something to me. When a guy falls as hard for someone as I had for Tessa—you feel it. It takes you out like a full-body cross check. There was a reason I’d experienced so many firsts with Tessa Madigan. This wasn’t about what I felt for her.
“If you want to go to her, you should. It doesn’t make you weak to want or need someone. If you don’t take the risk, you’ll never know.”
“What are you talking about?” I forced out, but it still didn’t expel the burning in my chest. I loved my brothers, but I still wasn’t going to have this conversation. It was hard to keep living in denial if I went around thinking about things that just could not happen. If I kept getting a picture in my head of a future that I had no right to. Not while Ryker was still not with us on account of me.
“Look, the way I see it, we’re all on the spectrum of dysfunction. Me and Wyatt aren’t quite as far gone as you guys. I figure Ash is somewhere in the middle, even though Dad was a fucking asshole when Ash came out to him. You and Beck, you two are in the upper part of the spectrum. Over-achievers when it comes to being messed up.”
“Over-achievers?” I turned my head toward him, not quite getting where he was going with this.
“Yep. Beck because of being the oldest. You—I’m not sure what your deal is. I figure it’s something that happened in the foster home you and Ryker were in. I know it was a bad situation. I figure you’ll share when you’re ready.”
“Do you have a point, Eli?”
“I fucking do. My point is watching Beck and Wyatt turn their shit around, I think they gave us all hope. The true test is going to be you. Dude, if you can fix whatever it is you’re dealing with, then I know I’m going to be fine. So, what I’m saying is I need you to get your shit together, for me.”
Fuck. I shoved my hands in my pockets and turned, resting my back against the window, dropping my head to stare at my boots. Fuck. I’d already let Ryker down. Now I was about to let Eli down. Fucking great.
I stared back up at Eli, my chest so tight it felt like it might burst. “It’s my fault Ryker isn’t with us. It’s my fault he’s been gone all these years.” I turned back to the window, not ready to see the look on Eli’s face as I told him. I’d held this secret for so long it was a piece of me. “It’s my fault his eyes are cold. My fault he has scars covering half his face. If I’d just said yes the one single time Ryker had asked me for something.”
“What did he ask you for?”
“He said he needed to leave. He was going to run away, and he asked me to go with him.” This was the second time I’d said it out loud, once to Tessa, now Eli. It didn’t fucking get easier. Both times it was like being sliced open.
“You said no?” Eli asked, no censure in his tone. Just asking.
“I asked him to wait. I should have known he couldn’t. Couldn’t stay. I should have fucking gone with him. No questions. No delay. Just, you bet your ass I’ll go. You need to leave, I’m right there with you.” I choked up and had to swallow it down to breathe.
“Not your fault, Gray,” Eli said. “You’ve got to let it go.”
I rested my forehead against the cool pane of glass. “How? How do I move on knowing I don’t deserve it? Why should I get to be happy when Ryker’s all alone out there hurting—because of me?”
“Why? Because it’s not your fault.”
“Eli’s right, Gray,” Beck said. I hadn’t heard him come in. He was standing with his shoulder up against the doorway. Guessing he’d heard most of the conversation. “We’ve all played the ‘what if’ game before. Probably me more than anyone. What if I’d started searching for Ryker sooner? What if you’d said yes? What if our mom hadn’t left? ‘What if’ is the oldest game in the world. It’s also the most soul-destroying.”
“But Ry didn’t ask any of you. He asked me. I was the one who failed him.”
“Here’s a thought. Instead of the ‘what if’ game, let’s turn this around…” Eli stood and walked to stand in front of me. “Don’t you wish with everything inside you that in all these ten years Ryker’s been apart from us, he’s been happy? Even if he hasn’t been in your life? Isn’t that what you would want for him?”
I frowned at Eli. “Of course.”
“Don’t you think that’s what Ryker would want for you? Don’t you think he’d want you to be happy? Don’t you think he’d want all of us to be happy?” Eli’s eyes bored into mine. “And here’s the last thought, how do you think he’s going to feel if he does show up, say tomorrow, and finds out that you’ve been using him as an excuse?”
Well fuck.
Don’t you think he’d want you to be happy? Don’t you think he’d want all of us to be happy?
Ryker? The eternal optimist? Yeah, I think he’d want that.
Damn, I was supposed to meet with Tessa in only a few hours and my head was all over the place. I had a lot of thinking to do and not a lot of time.
“I’ll be out back if anyone needs me,” I said, leaving the room.
Nothing like batting practice to think things through.
* * * *
“So, this is where you hide from your brothers.”
I stepped back from the batter’s box and turned to find Hope leaning against the cage.
“Don’t you mean ‘our’ brothers? How’s it going? I heard you were hanging out with Wyatt today.”
“Yep. Just trying to get to know all my brothers. Is Wyatt quiet or what?”
“He’s quiet. He and Eli sort of cancel each other out.” It was still weird to look at a female version of Eli. We’d get used to it. It was just weird.
“Good to know. You’re late with your swing, by the way. That’s why you’re popping them up.”
“Thanks. Where are you headed?”
“Airport.” She shoved her hands into the back pockets of her jeans.
“You’re sick of us already?” With everything going on with Tessa, I hadn’t spent much time with Hope.
“I’ve got to get back to my job. But I’ll be back.” She stuck her hand out, slipping a card through the fence. “I want you to have this. It’s Ryker’s number.”
“Why are you giving it to me?” I dropped the bat and stared at the card in her hand. “Does Beck know you have the number?”
“He knows. He called. Left a message. Now we wait.”
“Okay, so again, why give it to me?”
“Because when Ryker handed me the card he said if I ever needed anything to call him.”
“Right. You told us that.”
“What I didn’t tell you is he also said if I couldn’t reach him, call Gray. Which made no sense because I didn’t know anyone named Gray. Now I do. So, if he trusted you, then I will too.” She held a hand over her eyes to shade them, making sure I saw how serious she was. “Just hang on to the number in case something happens to me. And we’ll wait for him to call together.”
“What’s going to happen to you?” My heart rate spiked. We’d only just found her, but already I didn’t want to lose her too.
“Nothing. It’s just in case, you know like if I fall off a horse and end up with amnesia or something.”
“Great, thanks for planting that seed. I’m going to worry about you riding a horse while you’re gone.” I gave her a stern older brother look and threw in a finger point too. “Now you have to call me every day so I know you’re okay.”
“Jesus, you’re the third brother to require a daily phone call. It’s starting to feel a lot more like parole than a new family.”
“Shit, have you been arrested?” We might have to insist she move near us to watch out for her.
“Having six older brothers is going to be fun.” She laughed and shook her head. “Later for me.”
I watched Hope walk back inside the office, then stared at the card in my hand. My first real connection to Ryker in ten years. I pulled my phone from my pocket and entered the number with an unsteady hand. My thumb hovered over the key for a long moment before I connected the call.