Gray
“I didn’t mean to deceive you.” Tessa frowned and shook her head. “None of what I was feeling gave me the right to do what I did. Just because I felt something—some connection to you—doesn’t mean you felt the same thing. You’re right. Ha! I’m no better than the Viagra-in-the-beer woman. I apologize.”
“Tessa, babe, you’re nothing like her.” I reached out and tugged a curl of her hair gently. But even then I drew my hand back quickly. We still had a few hurdles to jump in this conversation. I couldn’t touch Tessa until we’d both had our say, or it might not get said. “Do you have anything else? Or is it my turn?”
“Since this feels like the sales pitch of my life, then yes. I have more to say.” She twisted her fingers together, bringing her clasped hands up against her chest. “I’ve learned life is fleeting. It can be gone in an instant. I’m willing to go after what I want, but I’m not going wait around forever. I’ve already lost three years of my life. Time is precious. Think about all the time you’ve wasted waiting to hear from Ryker. Letting guilt rule your life. I know how that feels. You think I didn’t sit around my house while the earth rotated around me, feeling guilty?”
Fuck, I knew that feeling. That soul-crushing feeling.
“Don’t you think I don’t regret that I didn’t get off the highway when I knew I was tired? I live with that regret every single day. It’s a cold, lonely place to be stuck. But with each day I get through I know that I don’t want to dwell in regret. I want to be more than just a survivor. I refuse to let the guilt overcome me. Honestly, I think that’s the easier choice. It’s easier to wallow in the guilt, to beat myself up over it every day.
“What’s been harder has been picking up the pieces of my life. Trying to find the happy moments. Gluing those happy moments together into a happy day or into a good week and that week into a good month.”
I never would have guessed it from the first time I met Contessa Madigan but she had all the qualities we Thorne brothers admired. Strength, resilience, willingness to put in the hard work, a sense of humor. The fact that she was sexy as hell was a bonus.
“I thought I was in love with a man who I could go through life with. I was so very wrong. Love is like a boat on the ocean. There’s a lot of smooth sailing but it’s when things get rough, if it’s not real, it breaks apart. Paul couldn’t handle the storms that hit me. He wasn’t strong enough. He didn’t know how to fight, or he didn’t care enough to.”
Damn, I still wanted to throttle her ex. Except, if he hadn’t walked away from her, we might never have found each other.
“I think you’re different, Gray. I see how you are with your brothers, and you’re there for them. You don’t give up on them. You guys never have given up on each other. I look at you, and I don’t just see the super-hot guy—which you are by the way. No, I see a man who has emotional depth. So deep he’s had to hide from it because his guilt won’t let him snatch his own happiness until he knows all his brothers are happy first. You’ve been holding it together for your whole life. You’ve got inner strength like honed steel and you’ve navigated the stormy seas in a way that takes my breath away.”
Tessa looked at me, looking unsure, which I got, because I wasn’t reacting.
To be honest, she was hitting me with so much I was having trouble absorbing it all. Mostly because I wanted to hold up each of her words, turn each one around, hear it over and over again in my head. Wallpaper my heart with them and let them act like Band-Aids, helping heal the scars from my childhood.
“I drove here,” Tessa said.
“What did you say?”
“You heard me. I drove here.” Her eyes locked on mine and she lifted her chin defensively. “I thought… If I was calling you out to give up the guilt and pain you were clinging to—then I needed to do the same.”
“God, Tessa. You didn’t have to do that. You didn’t have to do that for me.”
“I didn’t. I did it for me. This”—she threw off the trench coat—“this I did for you.”
“That’s fantastic,” I said. It was. Tessa stood in a barely-there belly dancing outfit: a bedazzled bikini top and silk pants that hung low on her hips. She was all smooth skin and silk. “The outfit and the driving.”
“It wasn’t. I drove fifteen miles per hour and backed up traffic for a mile. I doubt I’ll do it again anytime soon. But—I think with time—and therapy—I’ll try again.”
“So, you’re saying this”—I ran my hand in the air up and down her length—“this belly dancing costume is for me? I like it; I like it a lot. But why? I feel like I’m missing something here.”
I liked it so much I already had three sexy, dirty scenarios cued up. Assuming Tessa was willing.
“I’m Olga, the mysterious belly dancing Russian.”
“I see that, Tessa. I’m still drawing a blank here, darlin’.”
“I was desperate, okay? All of Gigi’s techniques were failing. I didn’t want to mess this up again, so I combined the last two to double the power. This disguise was the last trick to attract you. That’s how Olga zee mysterious belly dancing Russian was born.” She smiled and arched an eyebrow. “Looks like it worked, huh?”
I shoved my hands in my pockets to keep from reaching for her and dropped my head, looking at my shoes until I could control the grin trying to take over my face. Once I got my face serious, I looked back up at her.
“Okay, maybe not. Either way, this driving thing, my anxiety, it’s not your problem to solve.”
“I know that. I know you’ll figure it out. Hell, Tessa, look what you’ve overcome. I just want you to know there’s no pressure. Sully and I will be here to help any way you need. Even if you never drive again it’s not a big deal. I can drive. One of my brothers can drive. Joe your personal Uber driver can. We’ll figure it out.”
“We?”
“Yes, we. Are you done?” I asked, taking her hand in mine.
“For now. Your turn.”
“Tessa, why didn’t you tell me about your mom?”
“What?” she whispered.
“Your mom, Tess, I’m sorry about your mom.” I wrapped her up in my arms. Tight. “Sweetheart, why didn’t you tell me?”
“I couldn’t. I couldn’t talk about it because talking about it meant I had to accept that it was my fault. How do you accept that you were the one behind the wheel when someone you loved died? I probably could’ve done a hundred things differently that would’ve changed the outcome. Maybe even just one thing and she’d still be alive today.”
“No, Tessa. Babe, you can’t do that. You can’t.” I lifted her jaw and pressed my lips to her forehead. “It wasn’t your fault. Sometimes you’re just in the wrong place at the wrong time. And sometimes no matter how much you love someone, and how much you try, it’s not going to change what happens.”
“Then why is Ryker your fault? If you’re responsible for Ryker, then I’m responsible for my mom. It’s no different. Why do you get to cling to your guilt but I have to give mine up?”
And there it was. I had to let it go. If I could see it so easily in Tessa, then I had to admit my guilt was no different. It was exactly what my brothers had been pounding into my head this week.
“I don’t. I don’t get to cling to it. I’ve got to let it go. I’ve got to let it go for me…and for you. And for Ryker. It’s not helping any one of us. Not doing a damn thing hanging on to my guilt.”
“I agree. No more guilt. No more ‘what ifs’.”
“No more. No more hanging on to the past. It’s just the two of us right here in this moment. We’ve both lost people we love. No way in hell I’m losing another.” I must have squeezed her too tight, because she let out a squeak. I loosened my grip on her and backed up to see her face clearly.
“Are you saying…?” Her eyes gazed up at me in wonder.
“I’ve spent my whole life closed off from everyone but my brothers. I couldn’t afford to trust anyone else. And then you came along and slammed the door in my face.” She dropped her head onto my chest with a groan. Hell, I’d even trusted her with the one and only secret I’d kept from my brothers before I’d had the nerve to tell them. “You pushed every one of my buttons. You burst through all the walls I’d erected to keep everyone else out and burrowed right into my heart. I’m saying I love you, Tessa.”
She smiled up at me, so beautiful it took away my breath. Her eyes brimmed with tears as they searched my face. She melted against me and whispered, “Finally home.”
Finally home? Home. Yeah, that felt exactly right.
“One last thing… You said to think about all the time I’ve wasted waiting to hear from Ryker. And I hear you. I’ve thought about that myself over the years as I’ve struggled with my guilt. But you know what I figured out?” I slid my hand into her silky hair, using my thumb to tilt her face until our gazes met. “I wasn’t wasting time. I was waiting for you to show up in my life.”
“I guess that’s what soul mates do.” She went up on her toes, bringing her lips to mine.
I wrapped my hands around her face, loving the taste of her, our tongues exploring each other, her hands on my chest. We kissed until we needed a breath. I pulled my lips away and held her against my chest. I’d be fine if I never had to let her go.
“I’ve never made love to a mysterious Russian belly dancer named Olga. But I sure would like to scratch that off my bucket list tonight.”
“Deal, but you’ll owe me.”
“Happy to fulfill any fantasy you have.”