Karine

Falling Hair

 

I was reading the book about leukemia while he was sleeping. My mind was struggling to remember all the information.  After all, I am the one taking care of him.  I decided to go and buy healthier food; Jiraiya needs to take greater care of his nutrition. 

A smile was on my face because I was trying my best to help him.  I put the book aside and decided to take a shower. While disrobing I noticed a lot of hair on my clothing.  It was his hair. 

"What’s all this?" I asked myself, even though I was alone in the room.  “Why haven’t I noticed this before?”

Yes, my hands had been in his hair.  Was it possible that I pulled it so hard that this happened? No, it wasn't. I sat on the floor and took time to think about the situation. I loved him.... The tears were rolling down my cheeks; I took a deep sigh and went to Jiraiya's room. Softly, I knocked.

"Yes?" His voice made me smile.

I opened the doors, went in and stood near him.

"I just want a hug." I said opening my arms, ready to hold him.

"You are like a little girl." He said and smiled while his arms were around me, pulling me closer.

I tried touching his hair, but his hands moved mine away.

"Don't..." He said.

I took a deep sigh.

"I know, Jiraiya." I said, while my hands moved to his cheeks, holding him softly.

"How?" He asked, being confused.

"In the bathroom...it fell on my clothes." I replied.

A trail of tears rolled down his cheek.

"I am okay. No pain, nothing I don't understand but this. Why now?" He said.

"It was bound to happen sooner or later." I explained while he was nodding.

"Do you want to?" He asked, not wanting to finish the sentence.

"I do." I said knowing exactly what he wanted from me.

I pulled the scissors from a pocket.  He was sitting, and I was cutting his hair.

My lover became bald and bold!

"You are handsome." I said while he was holding a mirror and looking at his reflection.

"You are a terrible liar." He said and started to laugh, even though his eyes were watery.

"I love you." The words escaped from my mouth faster than I was able to stop them.

A soft smile appeared on his lips.

"I love you too, Karine, I really do." He said, and I felt how fast my heart was beating and how the joy came to my heart.

I sat on his lap, hugging him and leaving small kisses all over his neck.

"You know what?" He asked me.

"What?" I followed his tone of voice.

"When the chemotherapy is finished, I’d like to take a trip to the coast." He said.

"I am feeling better than ever. Aren't you the best witness to say how good I am feeling?" He said seductively and kissed me passionately, leaving me breathless.

"Yes, Darling. I am." I whispered while his naughty lips were teasing me again.

"So, are we going?" He asked me.

"You should decide...I am just the nurse." I said.

"No. You're not working for me anymore." He said with a smile.

"Am I fired?" I asked while the tips of my lips curved upward.

"No. You’ve been promoted." He whispered in my ear.

"To what?" I asked, trying to focus on his words and not on what he was doing to me.

"To housemate," he explained.

"That's a big step." I said.

"Oh, really? Sorry, my lady, I forgot that you've lived with me for a long time before this. Yes, it really is a big step to continue doing the same thing you used to do for the past few months." The king of sarcasm, that's who he was.

"I am happy with how everything is going." I said slowly.

"If there were time, I’d gladly, date you, wine and dine you and more. But I don't have time." He said, becoming sad.

"I didn't say that as a bad thing." I whispered, slowly touching his cheeks, trying to remember every feature of his face.

"I know, I was just repeating that. You know, if you repeat something enough times, you come to accept it. Maybe that's the way I'll accept the fact that I’m going to die." He said, and in that moment, he couldn't stop his emotions.

My lover was crying, and I wasn't able to comfort him. I just hugged him as close as I was able to hold him. Seeing him cry, I had to force myself not to cry; not in front of him. A few hours later, he was smiling again. Maybe that's how life really is.  First, you need to cry.  And then you need to laugh. The stupid balance of the universe.

"We are moving tomorrow," he informed me.

"How come?" I asked, not believing how fast everything was finished.

"Your boyfriend is fast," he said, looking at my reaction for his new title.

"Yes, my boyfriend is fast." I accepted and smiled.

My boyfriend, my lover, the source of my happiness, yes, he really was all of that.

 

*****

Jiraiya

I rented a house for us for the weekend and we were ready to go. No, I didn't pay attention to the clothes I was packing; I just focused on bringing morphine, something which was making me act strong in front of her. Of course, I couldn’t tell her that.  Nor could I tell her how bad my condition had become.

Death was coming. I had lost my hair. I lived in constant pain. My reason to fight, my light in the darkness, my direction, everything I had, and everything was for her. Morphine let me cover up the secret and I was happy. Her face was shining when she entered our rented house for the weekend; she began to organize it immediately.

"You'll be tired," I warned.

"Who cares? I want to make this the best weekend possible!" She responded.

Like a child, she was enjoying every moment with me and the pleasure was mine— because I was the reason for her happiness. But what would happen if she found out that I was using morphine?

No. No! That won’t happen, I'll be more careful, and she won't find out. While she was planning how to arrange the house, I took a piece of paper and started writing. I was going to write letters; I wanted her to know exactly how I felt about her when my time came. I put in as much effort as I was able to, putting my thoughts in writing and making them as realistic as possible.

"Should we invite a few friends to be our guests?" She asked.

"Yes, of course. That would be nice," I agreed and gave her the best smile I was able to fake.

"Dinner time would be lovely, that's a great time to get them to come over," she said. After a few minutes she went to the kitchen to make dinner, neither seeing what I was writing nor realizing that I was telling lies to her.  She trusted me completely. 

The people who you love the most are the ones who can deceive you best. I loved her more than my life, so I wanted her to remember me as a smiling man, ready to kiss her every time she said something sweet; making love to her like it was the very last time. Ill and near to death, I used bigger doses of morphine that night.  I wanted to be ready for our guests.

They began to arrive around seven pm. Karine had invited three of my closest friends and two of her friends—Nancy from the hospital and Nadia, her childhood friend. I tried to be as pleasant as possible, as pleasant as the pain already seeping through, despite the huge dose of morphine. 

Our friends were sitting around our table, eating and laughing, with not a care in the world.  It all made me angry. I tried answering every question as fast as possible; I just wanted to get through this evening.  I could see Karine was having a wonderful time and I didn't want to spoil it. 

"This house is really beautiful. You do have good taste in architecture I must say, my friend,” Peter my friend said to me.

On a good day, I would have smiled and offered him an extensive history behind the house but today I was in pain.  I mumbled a tight-lipped ‘thank you’ and I hoped he would just let me be.

"So how is your health now?" He continued, not getting that I just wasn’t up for chit chat this evening.

"I’m progressing," I said and turned to another side.

Karine looked at me, not understanding what was happening.

"Are you okay, Darling?" She asked me quietly

"How many times are you going to ask me that?" I shouted at her. I simply couldn't stand the pain anymore.

"Calm down, Dude. You don't need to act like that." The same friend who asked me a question tried to calm me down.

Karine kept looking at me strangely; like she had just seen me for the first time. She asked me with her eyes 'why I had shouted at her' and because I didn't have an answer to that question. I became worse. One movement was enough, and I turned to punch the guy who was trying to calm me down. I can't be calm, I am going to die.

"Jiraiya!" Her voice was in my head.

Disappointment.  That was the sound of her voice and that made me close my eyes and regret every single one of my bad decisions in life.

"I am sorry, Karine." I whispered.

I stifled the pain and apologized for my awful behavior throughout the dinner. Our friends accepted my apology and I could see, in their eyes that they had accepted my apology.

Karine waited for our guests to leave and then she unleashed her fury at me for being such a sourpuss throughout the dinner. She was angry and went to her room, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

*****

Karine

Jiraiya and I had a huge fight. For some time now, I have felt there was something he was not telling me; something he was hiding.  So, one day while he was sitting under the tree in front of the house, I had gone back to his room and searched it. I was livid when I found his dustbin full of syringes and a liquid substance he later confirmed as morphine.

He had been using morphine to keep his strength up, so I would believe he was okay. Liar!! This couple with the fact that, a few days earlier I had discovered that I was pregnant.  It was more than I could handle and so, I left the house to give him the space I believed he needed.

It had been a few days since I had left our home; angrier him than I have ever been before. I had been finding it difficult to sleep at night, so I had been taking sleeping pills for the past few days. The mild vibrations from my phone lightly shook the small bedside table located at the top right corner beside my mahogany bed. My eyes barely open, I stretched out my arm to pick up the phone. I tapped about the table, in a fruitless bid to locate the ringing device.

Frustrated, my eyes popped open as I rolled and stretched further. I finally got a hold of it and brought it closer to my face. The lights from the screen momentarily blinded me as my gaze caught the screen, prompting me to close my eyes at once. I struggled to gain my vision back, slowly opening my eyelids.

I tried to make out the name that appeared on the screen. Weariness hung in the wrinkles on my face and the muscles of my body. I still suffered from brain fatigue as it had taken me a while to fall asleep the previous night—even with the sleeping pills I popped. I had thought it was my six o’clock alarm going off, but it clearly wasn't the case. I could see that it was an incoming call. My eyes caught the code in front of the digits that appeared on my cell phone screen.

"Hello, Miss Banks?" A female voice from the other end spoke.

"Hello" I sluggishly muttered.

"Did I wake you? I am sorry, but I have some awful news."

"Who is this, please?" I frowned still trying to gather my bearings.

“Mrs. Sampson, Jiraiya mother.”

There was silence at both ends of the phone as I struggled to catch up.

"Mrs. Sampson? Why are you calling from a hospital? I inquired as I scrambled to seat sit up on the soft mattress. I took in a few breaths as if to clear my nose.

"It’s Jiraiya, he was rushed to the hospital from the airport, Miss Banks," she informed me.

Shock registered on my face; I wiped my eyes with the back of my palm still trying to fight the effect of the sleeping pills.

"From the airport? How?  What was he doing at the airport?" I asked completely confused. I knew Jiraiya had no reason to travel, so what was he doing in an airport in the first place?

"I was told he was on his way to Canada, the plane had to be redirected back when he passed out."

"How is he now?" I asked

"It’s terrible. He isn't getting any better. The doctors say it’s a long shot and all we can do is pray.  They say they are doing their best. 

She paused for a moment; she could imagine the gloomy state of my heart as she broke the news to me.

"I am sorry Mrs. Sampson," I managed to utter in a dejected stricken voice.

"I know Karine but that's not why I am calling you."

"What else is going on, Mrs. Sampson?" I asked knowing deep down, wanting to ask how the situation could get any worse.

"Something serious is about to happen," she said.

I could sense the urgency in her voice now. It had been there all along, but I just sensed it and it pricked me.

"They found more potentially cancerous cells in his bones. The doctor is aggressive with his treatment. Jiraiya will have a stem cell transplant to replace the damaged bone marrow cells with healthy cells. We all need to pray that this works.” "

"Jesus!" I exclaimed softly, trying to make sense of what I had just heard. "You don't mean it?" I inquired with confusion evident in my voice.

"We only found out about it some hours ago, Karine. Jiraiya said he really needs to speak to you and that’s why I am calling," she said.

"Give me a minute and I will be there, Mrs. Sampson," I said.

"Alright, Karine."

I slid into my bedroom slippers and hurriedly walked towards the bathroom door that was opposite my bed.

Walking my hands across the bathroom wall, I located the light switch, and in a matter of seconds, the bathroom was brought to life. I walked towards the sink and swiftly turned the tap knob, releasing streams of water. I splashed water on my face and rubbed my eyes to remove the sleep. 

A clean white towel hung on a rod fixed to the wall very close to the sink. Without looking, I pulled it off the rod and wiped my face clean after a few seconds. I closed the running tap and hung the towel around my neck, returning swiftly to my room in order to dress. I was scared, so scared for Jiraiya.

 

*****

Jiraiya

(A Few Hours Before)

I dropped my phone again on my bed and slowly left the room, towel hanging on my neck. I pushed another door opposite my bed, just beside the bathroom's door and I appeared in a small dark living room.

A tiny green light blinked from afar; I traced the direction of the light, taking baby steps and trying not to trip on anything along the way. When I was close to the blinking light, I moved my hand towards it and tapped with my index finger. The room became illuminated at once by the bluish light that came from the computer on the table. I pulled the chair in front of the table backwards and sat in it, adjusting it until I was seated comfortably and directly in front of the screen.

The living room was a large area of space tightly packed with furniture which lay scattered around.  Karine had not come back since she had left on Saturday morning. The light revealed the room's unkempt nature; clothes strewn across chairs and couches. It had a couch centrally located, backing a small opened door that revealed the passage to the rest of the house. It was relatively small, yet tasteful.

I headed straight to the kitchen and switched on the lights. I opened a few cabinets that hung on the wall one after the other and got out a mug and a few containers. I made myself a cup of cold coffee and went back to my computer. With a few clicks and taps on my mouse and keyboard, a list of today’s available flights popped up on my screen. I slowly scrolled down, rolling the ball at the center of my mouse downwards.

I noticed that all direct flights heading towards Canada had been fully booked for the day. I patiently scrolled downwards, looking for direct flights.  As I scrolled, my gaze caught the open icon on the airways; it was the only direct flight heading towards Ottawa, Canada that was not fully booked. Departure time read 2100 hours. Gently and rhythmically tapping my fingers on the table, I tried to weigh the option of leaving for Canada at eight o’clock through a direct flight.

I had made up my mind to leave everything behind. I was going to leave my parents, my business, and my Karine behind. I did not want them to go through the pains of watching me die. I had made up my mind. I wanted to go somewhere far away, and Canada seemed like the best option. I made up my mind and clicked on the “Book It” option. I followed the instructions, and with a few clicks and taps, I was done booking my flight.

The details of my booked flight stared right at me from the screen of my computer.  I clicked the “Close” icon at the top right corner of my screen and the page disappeared. Noticing the time at the bottom of the screen, I emptied the remaining contents of the mug and jumped to my feet, heading straight for the bedroom to have my bath.

Just around that time, my alarm clock started to buzz from the room. I reappeared after a short while in dark shorts that reached just below my knees and a grey top that had "The Bridge is Blue" imprinted on its front. I meditatively scanned through the whole length of my room before exiting through the front door.

I closed the door to the house Karine and I had rented for the weekend—the house we had never used—and stepped into the dimly lit street.  At exactly seven thirty p.m., the front door to my apartment flung open, I stepped in immediately and closed the door behind me. I reached for the wall and pulled the light switch, immediately awakening the ambience of the room and overwhelming the green light of my computer.

I walked briskly towards my bedroom; I immediately reappeared with a small piece of luggage in my hand Moving across the room, I hit a button on the computer; it jumped to life.  I took a quick glance at the screen; there was nothing new on leukemia that gave me any hope of survival. I ejected my modem and moved my mouse to the power off icon on the screen.

In seconds, the computer went dead. I switched off the processor, took one last glance around the living room. With that, I disappeared through the front door of a house for the second time after switching off the lights that had once brought back life to the living room, sending it back into total darkness. A taxi waited for me just outside my apartment.

"Thanks," I said, as the taxi driver took my luggage from me and carefully dropped it into the trunk of the car. I climbed into the back seat and we drove off.  

The drive to the airport was relatively fast.  I occasionally checked my watch, nervous that I would miss my flight.

I swiftly got out immediately after the driver; we were both heading towards the rear of the vehicle. The driver got out my luggage as I in turn got out my wallet from my back pocket and brought out a few notes, handing them over to the driver as I received my luggage.

"Keep the change" I said as money exchanged hands.

"Thank you, sir" the driver responded kindly before closing my trunk and I started to move away, heading towards the main terminal ahead.

There was a short queue of three in front of the airline desk; I waited my turn throwing polite greetings to people around. As it got to my turn, I sighted the desk agent, a young beautiful dark-complexioned lady.

"Hello, sir. Welcome," she said with a wide smile on her young face.

"Hello," I responded politely with an equally wide grin.

"Passport sir and valid means of identification, please," she asked, still with a smile on her face, nay, a formal smile.

I handed over my passport to her and got out my wallet from my back pocket to get my driver's license and handed it over. She glanced through it and glanced back at me before punching a few buttons on her keyboard. She waited a while and got out a small piece of paper from a printing machine.

"Are you traveling with any luggage, Mr. Sampson?" She asked politely, calling me by name having gone through my identifications.

There was another short queue at the security post; I waited my turn behind the line and when it got to me, I brought out my boarding pass, the small piece of paper that had been given to me and my passport, handing it over to the man dressed in airport security uniform.

"Please take off any metallic object you may have on you sir," the man asked politely.

"Belt, phones, keys," I added as I started to take off my belt and empty my pockets.

I deposited all the items inside a plastic tray and went through a metal detector glass, receiving my items on the other side.

It took a while for me to get my belt back on, after which I identified my gate through the light signs that hung above differentiating gates and went to take my seat. At exactly ten minutes before nine o’clock, I got to my feet as I heard my gate number being announced, stretching my body before moving. Just as I made myself comfortable on the plane seat, there was a woman who came searching for her seat number.

"I am sorry; is this seat 114W?" She inquired with a small smile on her face.

"Sure; this would be it," I responded politely.

"Phooey!" She exclaimed as a soft smile started to grow on her face. "Thanks," she added.

"You are welcome," I said as I got up to allow her in, helping her with her bag.

"Thanks. My name is Marilyn," she introduced herself as she fell into her seat, extending her hand for a handshake.

"I am Jiraiya," I responded. "Nice meeting you" I added.

The flight attendant announced for us to fasten our seat belts as the pilots prepared to fly. I and Marilyn both adjusted our seat belts. Why am I adjusting my seat belt?  It’s not like I have many years left.  I joked to myself. I had already started to miss home and feel bad about leaving my family and Karine behind. I was a coward.

"I’m kind of nervous but excited at the same time," Marilyn uttered excitedly.

I forced a smile as I gave her a quick glance.

"Is this your first time in the air?" I asked

"Yes," she replied with a perky tone.

"You shouldn’t be scared. Flying is a piece of cake."

"I will have to take your word for it," she responded uncertainly.  And then she turned to peer out the window.

Oh my God, she was so much like Karine. I knew right then and there that she was going to remind me of home all through the flight. I knew that already as I gave Marilyn another quick glance. There was a long silence on the plane after some further announcements; series of turbulent sounds followed thereafter. All the while, Marilyn had the same excited smile on her face. The same voice came on again after a while.

“Ladies and gentlemen, the Captain has turned off the “Fasten Seat Belt” sign, and announced that we were free to move about the cabin. It was less than one hour into our journey. Soft music played in the dim ambience of the airplane space. Everyone went about their business; some napping, some engaged with their gadgets. A lady's voice could be heard underneath the soft music; she was trying to put her baby to sleep amidst soft baby cries.

Marilyn stared out of the window, fascinated by the view.  She tried taking in everything her eyes could, with an excited look on her face, a note pad on her laps and a pen in between her fingers.

I had adjusted my seat backwards to catch a quick nap, but it wasn’t happening; so I lay back and watched as Marilyn busied herself scribbling things into her pad.

"You know, I never knew I would be this excited flying for the first time, but it doesn’t compare to the excitement I felt when I got married. I am going to meet my husband in Canada" she volunteered without my asking.

I immediately felt like I was going to throw up. Here was a young lady who was happy because of love. Even if she had nothing to live for, she had love. That was enough for her. It was what made her the happiest person in the world. I couldn’t hold it anymore. I just had to speak to Karine. I had to let her know what I had done. I had to let her know that I was a coward and that I was running away.

"Excuse me," I said as I slowly got up from my seat. "I need to use the rest room; I will be right back" I added.

I rose from my seat, and that familiar dizziness washed over me. I knew, even without putting my hands to my nose, that it would have blood dripping from it. The last thing I remember was Marilyn’s scream.  And then it went dark.