WHEN JAY took me to her apartment to show me the piece of her she hadn’t shown anyone, I didn’t have any intentions of fucking her. Not until later when she was lying beside me wrapped in my arms. But her body shaking with her hands rubbing her arms, set me off. I knew I had to do something. At first I felt like I might have been taking advantage of her. Thinking with my dick first instead of my head. But when she played on it and told me in detail what she wanted, I knew there was a reason behind it. She wanted to forget. Even just for a moment. She was filled with the same darkness I was. For different reasons, it consumed us both. The billowy shadows of our past threatened to swallow us whole if we didn’t do something about it. Sex. It was the cure-all. With Jay and me, it helped us focus on the here and now. It had never been something I craved. I was a man. I loved sex. But with Jay, I needed it.
She lay beside me, and I took full advantage of her nakedness. I caressed her skin with a touch of my finger, watching her shiver. She sighed, pushing her beautiful ass into my pelvis. My dick lengthened, twitching against her rear with a mind of its own. It begged for her to wake up and give it the attention it felt it deserved. But even I was tired.
After taking her hard and spending the next several hours showing her how I felt through the use of my body, we were both spent. But I couldn’t sleep. I could never sleep. Not soundly. The silence in my head screamed at me. The noises were no longer loud but fierce and in control.
“I love you, Jay.” I brushed my lips over the shell of her ear. With everything in me, I begged for her to wake up and tell me she felt the same. She stirred, her eyes fluttering, but much to my dismay, she remained asleep.
“I am so in love with you.” I slid my hand down the length of her arm, watching the skin pucker with tiny little bumps. I kissed her neck, noticing for the first time a tiny tattoo. A semi-colon. My heart thumped hard, my chest swelling with pride. I knew the tattoo signified self-harm, but it could also be to show support for anyone with a mental illness. PTSD had been a mental battle for me over the years. Knowing I had someone else to care for, Buck kept me sane. Animals were a form of therapy, and if any of my guys showed any sign of breaking down, I would show them how a puppy could help.
With Jay, it was like everything was meant to be. We were meant to be. I kissed the spot behind her ear, wondering who the tattoo was for.
“My sister,” Jay said, as if she could read my thoughts.
“Excuse me?”
She turned over, peering up at me through dark lashes and grazed a finger over my nipple. “The tattoo is for my sister,” she repeated. “She was the happiest person I knew. A little abrupt and rough around the edges but she lived life every day to its fullest. I know that’s a tad cliché but it was true. But I knew the real Violet, though. She wasn’t happy. I didn’t know why. And I don’t think she did either. If she did, she never told me, and I was fine with that. I’m still fine with that. She never knew I got the tattoo either. I…” Jay swallowed hard. “I never got a chance to show her.”
“You will get to show her.” I didn’t know how I knew that. I couldn’t promise Jay anything but I could promise my love for her. That I would be there for her.
Jay curled on her side, pulling the blankets up and around her further. “If I don’t get to, maybe I was never meant to show her in the first place.”
“Jay.”
“No.” She sat up abruptly, letting the covers pool around her lap.
The moon cast a dim glow around her, shining onto her pale skin. Her long red curls were haphazard and wild. They were a contradiction; Jay was anything but.
“Maybe she’s…” Jay swallowed hard. “She’s dead and I won’t get to save her. I won’t get to say goodbye or see her again. That one last time. That final time.”
“You can’t think like that.” I grabbed her hand, attempting to pull her toward me, but she shoved out of my hold.
“Why can’t I? Angel, I need to do something because this is driving me crazy. What if she left on her own? I should be mad at her but I can’t. When I get mad I feel guilty because what if she was forced?” Jay brought her knees to her chest, hugging them.
“Stop this. You’ll drive yourself crazy.” I kissed her shoulder, my lips lingering so I could smell her a little longer. Her skin gave off the scent of sex and my cologne. If I had it my way, she would smell like me forever.
“Are you smelling me, Angel?”
“I sure am.” I kissed her mouth. “You smell like me, baby.”
Jay sighed. “You can’t always distract me.”
“I know.” I shrugged. “It was worth a shot.”
We sat there, comfortable in each other’s silence.
“Did you mean what you said?” Her cheeks reddened.
“Depends on what you think I said.” She heard my confession. Although I had wanted her to know what I had said, a part of me was scared she wouldn’t feel the same.
“I didn’t want to tell you how I feel because it scares me. I can’t get hurt again, Angel. I refuse to allow that to happen.” She cupped my cheek. “Please don’t hurt me.”
Leaning into her touch, I kissed her palm. “Never.”
“Say it,” she breathed, glancing down at my mouth.
“I am falling in love with you,” I told her, inching closer.
“Oh, Angel.” Her mouth crushed to mine. “I am falling in love with you too.”
Fucking A.
***
(Jay)
He loved me.
I loved him.
All was right in the world. Until realization dawned on me and the fantasy popped in my face. Our love was true but our world was still shitty.
While Angel slept soundlessly beside me, I slid out of bed. Stretching my arms over my head, my whole body cracked.
I smiled to myself, knowing Angel was the reason I was stiff and sore but elated. A part of me still couldn’t believe he loved me. Me. Genevieve Gold. My throat burned. If only I could tell Violet. If only I could show her how happy Angel made me. We had shit to work through, every relationship did, but it… It was real. It wasn’t what I had with Tyler. I didn’t fear that every time I spoke to Angel, he would yell at me. I wasn’t walking around our relationship worried he wasn’t happy. He was rough and dark but he never showed me that side of him. But I knew it was there because I could feel it. When his Dominance came out, I held onto the fact that he would never hurt me. He would never try and break me down. If he did, it would be to benefit me.
Pulling on shorts and a t-shirt, I grabbed my laptop and turned on my small lamp. The light cast an eerie glow around the room, shadows dancing in its wake.
Making sure Angel was still asleep, I kissed his forehead. When he didn’t stir, I reached into my end table and grabbed the folder that had been my life for the past several years. Since Violet went missing. Since the first girl was stolen from her home or the street. It didn’t matter. A victim was a victim no matter what lifestyle they lived. I had collected everything from newspaper clippings to pictures to files that my source was able to get access to. Thankfully, I knew a person or two. It was a give and take sort of world. I scratch your back. You scratch mine. Greyson had helped me gather everything I needed. He never argued even though I had seen the doubt in his eyes. Brogan’s stepbrother wanted those girls found just as much as the next person.
In the MC world—even though I wanted my club to be straight and narrow—every now and again a girl had to do what she could to get accepted. My sisters didn’t know. They had no idea what I had done to make a name for our club. But they weren’t stupid. They knew how this world was run. I had told Angel before we both fell asleep. He never judged.
“I’ve done some bad things, Angel. Horrible things to get my club acceptance,” I had told him, wringing my hands in my lap. “I’ve never hurt anyone, not directly, but I’ve stolen things, made deals with bad people.” I took a breath. “I understand if you judge me.”
“I would never judge you,” Angel had yawned. “I have no right to. I’ve done some shitty things in my own line of work. Even though I’m fighting for my country, it doesn’t make me feel any better.”
“How do you get through it?” I’d asked, curling on my side to face him.
“That’s just it. I haven’t. Buck is not just my dog. I have PTSD, Jay.”
I’d nodded. “I expect that in what you do. Do your brothers know this?”
“No.” He had rolled over onto his back, crossing his arms behind his head. “I will tell them eventually but I can’t yet. I have to work some things out first.”
“Does your boss know?”
“If he does, he hasn’t mentioned anything.”
“I won’t tell.” And I wouldn’t. It wasn’t my place. I didn’t know a lot about the military, but I knew that if they deemed you unfit to work even if it was because of something small, they would discharge you. It was sad because I knew Angel loved what he did.
“I know.” His eyes had searched my face. “It’s hard making money the legal way.”
I’d scoffed, lying down beside him and wrapping my arm around his waist. “It is. I do well with my shop but it’s not enough. And putting ink on bikers doesn’t get me any more acceptance than if I were to kill someone. They’re hard to please.”
“Have you ever thought of not trying to please them?”
“Every damn day.” I’d huffed. Why I cared what these clubs thought was beyond me. These men who thought they were God’s gift to women. Who treated them as whores if they acted or dressed a certain way. Even if the woman felt like wearing cut-off shorts, they were thrown in the ring like meat. It disgusted me and made me almost wish I never started this club.
“Tell me about your sister,” Angel had demanded softly, his eyes closed.
“She was the life of the party,” I’d traced my finger around his nipple. “Most people didn’t like her because she was in-your-face honest. They took it as her being obnoxious. She told the truth and people didn’t like that. Especially in a young woman. They thought it was impolite for a girl to say what was on her mind.”
“Mmmhmm…” Angel had sighed, his breathing becoming deep and even.
I’d smiled, pulling the blankets up and around us. I’d closed my eyes, following him into a dreamless sleep.
It was a sleep I had wanted to spend every night in. Comfortable. Silent. Peaceful. But I knew as soon as I woke up, my thoughts would be loud again. They would take over everything I was and drown out the calm I had tried so hard to muster over the years.
Opening the folder, my fingers brushed over the images of the girls I had saved. Not that it was overly hard. Put up some fliers, bat your eyes and big burly men would fall all over themselves to save these little girls.
A black and white photo fell from the pile. Dropping the others, I picked up the picture I forgot I had. Violet stared up at me. Her dark hair blowing in the wind behind her. Her full lips turned into a wide smile. The mischievous way her eyes twinkled. For the life of me, I couldn’t remember what she had planned that day and why she was ready to tackle the world. She was headstrong and passionate about everything, where I was timid and shy. But no more.
Turning on my laptop, I checked my emails; some more articles but otherwise nothing. Mustering up the courage to go on all of the social media outlets Violet had joined, I read message after message from people. Her friends. Coworkers. Anyone who knew her or had an idea of her. They were nice messages. Wishing her well. Praying for her. Most had nothing to do with her disappearance and everything to do with her moving on to bigger and better things. Even the public believed she left on her own but I knew they were wrong.
Going back to the emails, I prayed something new had come up. When the inbox showed empty, I cursed under my breath. About to give up, a pop up appeared with a new message from someone who wasn’t on Violet’s friends list.
Unknown: Hi.
I never answered the random hellos as they creeped me out but this one, something about it stuck out at me.
Me: Hello.
I responded under Violet’s profile, thinking it would get me somewhere.
Unknown: I missed you this morning.
My stomach dropped. This wasn’t possible but I decided to play along anyway.
Me: I’m sorry. I had plans.
Unknown: You’re sorry? How the fuck can you be sorry? You don’t get to be sorry. That’s a choice. Remember, I took that from you when I bought you.
Oh, dear God. Bile rose to my throat.
Me: I have every right to be sorry. I feel bad.
Unknown: Every right? Who the hell is this?
Shit. Did I just get Violet in trouble? Who was she sold to? My heart started racing, my sweaty fingers sliding over the keyboard.
Me: This is someone who is trying to find Violet. Please tell me you know where she is and that she’s safe.
The message was read but no reply came. Tears burned my eyes. No, please reply. “Please reply,” I repeated. “Please.”
“Jay? What are you doing?” Angel asked from behind me.
“Reply, damn it!” I cried.
Me: Please. I’m sorry. Just tell me. I need to know that she’s okay.
Still no reply.
“Who are you talking to?” Angel demanded. “Shit. What the hell? Who is that?”
“I don’t know. I have no fucking idea. He knows Violet.” My head spun around. “He knows her. He has her, Angel. He bought her. How can someone be bought? Tell me, please. God, we have to find her. What if I got her in trouble?” I was rambling, my heart racing hard against my rib cage. I was losing it. “Angel, please. Please tell me what to do.” A ding from the computer caught my attention.
Unknown: Who is this?
Me: Someone who loves Violet. Please. I need to know my sister is okay.
Unknown: Sister? You mean there are two of you? That just made my fucking day.