CHAPTER 15
Gavin
Fucking hell… Any hope I’d had of keeping my distance evaporated in the heat of our scorching kiss. The weight of her body as it pressed against my hard cock made it impossible for me to think straight. I didn’t stand a chance when it came to resisting her, and at this point, I didn’t want to.
I’d make amends for my past sins, and come clean about the life I’d led, once I’d quenched my need for her, even if I didn’t think it possible that I’d ever get my fill. But none of that was more than a fleeting thought when I was kissing her and holding her close.
She broke from our kiss just long enough to pull her top up over her head, and if I’d thought that resisting her was hard before, it was nothing compared to now. “Sweetheart… you’re not making this easy on me.”
Almost as if she was too shy about me seeing her partially naked, she pressed herself against me, her lips on mine as she spoke between sweet kisses. “I swear, I’ve never done anything like this before. Ever.”
There was something in her voice that had me doing a bit of a double take. A hesitation… an insecurity… almost as if…
No… She couldn’t be.
I pulled away just enough to be able to look her in the eyes, brushing a lock of her hair from her face. “Sweetness… when you say you’ve never done this before, you mean… you’ve never had sex?”
Her cheeks flushed scarlet, giving me all the answers I needed. Fucking hell…
“Charlie… I don’t know what to say.” Especially since this definitely meant that there was no way I could go through with any of this. I shouldn’t have gone down this road to start with—and now there was even more reason to put a stop to this. There was no way I could be her first.
“Then don’t say anything. Just, please… I’ve never felt this comfortable with anyone else before. And if not you, then it feels like it may never happen.” She bit her bottom lip, looking fucking adorable, even if I hated the worry in her eyes. “I like you, Gavin—like I’ve never liked anyone before. Or… is it that you don’t like me that way? Oh my god… have I been reading this wrong all along?”
She tossed her top back on and tried to get off my lap, mumbling her apologies, but I wasn’t letting her go anywhere. Wrapping my arm around her waist, I pulled her back to me, securing her there on my lap. “Don’t run, sweetheart. You definitely haven’t been reading me wrong. I’m sorry about how this all played out. It just caught me a bit off guard.”
The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her feelings or make her feel even more uncomfortable, though it left me in one hell of a bind. Every fiber of my being wanted to pursue this thing with her. Yet I’d be nothing but an ass if I didn’t first tell her about my past, and I wasn’t sure that was a story I was ready to tell.
I still hadn’t truly dealt with what I’d done or the consequences of my actions, and as horrible as it was, I wasn’t sure I could get the words out and tell her that, not only had I been in prison, but that I’d raped my best friend.
How the hell could I tell her that?
Frankly, I wasn’t sure I could. But that also meant that I couldn’t pursue this any further, no matter how badly I wanted to—and no matter how badly she wanted me to also. I hated disappointing her, but better to live with her disappointment than with her hate. And it had nothing to do with Kane being another man, but everything to do with the heinous act of me violating him, and taking him against his will. How could anyone forgive me or look past the fact that I’d raped someone, even if I’d been drugged and my life threatened?
Charlie pulled me from my thoughts, and I gladly turned my attention back to her, rather than deal with my demons. “I know we’ve only just met each other, but I really do like you, Gavin. And I’m not saying we have to rush into this and have sex, but…” She let out a weary sigh, the light in her eyes dimming. “I guess it was silly of me to think that you’d be interested.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Charlie. Any man would be lucky to have you — me included. You’re nothing short of amazing. But… I’m not a nice man, and I’ve done not so nice things. Frankly, you deserve a hell of a lot better than me.” I bent my head to hers so I could see her eyes, needing her to know what she meant to me. “I’m doing this to protect you. Because the last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt you in any way.”
“I can’t imagine you’d ever hurt me, Gavin. After all, you’re the one who saved me. You’ve gone well out of your way to make sure I’m safe and that I’m not freaked out, and I can guarantee most guys wouldn’t have even bothered with anything more than contacting the police.” She slipped her arms around my neck, and then nestled her head in the crook of my neck, my heart hammering away as I held her to me. “I’m just not sure how I can move on from this, on my own, especially now that I know what it’s like to have you at my side, watching my back.”
I kissed the top of her head, running my hand down over her hair, trying to soothe her. “You’re not alone, baby girl. I’ve got you. And I’m not going anywhere.”
It felt like something was shifting between us, something far greater than probably either of us had anticipated — and it was probably something we both desperately needed in our lives. Except that it was clear we both had demons we were wrestling with.
But maybe, if we gave this a little more time… maybe we would be able to find a way to open up to each other and be honest—maybe then, we might stand a glimmer of a chance of finding some way to make this work. And yet I knew that I was just being stupidly hopeful, because the thought of having to walk away from Charlie felt impossible.
“I’m not giving you up, Charlie… but maybe we just need to take things slow. Get to know each other better… And then maybe, once we’ve put our demons to rest, things will be easier.” If she didn’t hate me for the horrible things I’d done.
She pulled away just enough to look at me, her eyes searching my face as worry furrowed her brow. “Gavin… If there’s ever anything you need to talk about… I’m here for you. It never occurred to me that someone who was so put together might have their own demons to deal with. But I guess, we all have a past. Don’t we?”
“I’m afraid so.”