CHAPTER 23
Charlie
By evening, Gavin had made sure I’d seen a doctor. The FBI had discreetly sent somebody to check me over, even though I’d argued with Gavin that I didn’t need a physician.
I was also clean, dry, and warm. My brain was functioning normally, and I shook my head wondering what in the hell I’d been thinking when I jumped into the water after the dogs.
In that moment, I’d felt the same panic I’d experienced when Jessie had plunged into the water, and I hadn’t thought about anything. I’d just…leapt.
The dogs had been bathed, and were sitting at my feet next to the living room couch, both of them looking at me with sad eyes, like they knew they’d caused some kind of trouble.
Gavin was on the other end of the couch, quiet. We’d eaten and he’d taken away the dishes, insisting that I rest.
Now he was back, and the silence between us was almost deafening.
Finally, he spoke. “I can’t make you tell me what in the hell happened today, but I wish you would trust me. You’re a brilliant woman. Dogs swim. It was a quiet pond. Neither one of them were going to drown. You obviously don’t swim, but you dove in after two dogs that were perfectly capable of getting to shore. Why the fuck would you do that, Charlie? Tell me why you’d risk your life like that. The fact that you nearly drowned is killing me.”
It was the torment in his voice that made me start talking. “It wasn’t exactly the dogs. It kind of was, and I was worried about them, but something happened in my past. Something made me snap. I was confused. I had a flashback, and then the instinct to rescue made me do something really stupid. I’m sorry.”
Gavin’s body was tense, and I could see him clench his fists on his thighs as he replied, “What happened?”
“I’ve never talked to anybody about what happened the day Jessie died except when I was nine. I told the police and my parents. That’s it.”
Gavin nodded, but he didn’t speak.
I swallowed the lump in my throat before I started to talk. “Jessie and I were playing outside in the snow when I was nine and he was seven. We had a lake close to our house, but we were forbidden to even get close to the shore. My parents had put me in charge of watching Jessie while we were outside. I was older, and I minded them, so they trusted me, even though I was only nine.” I stopped to draw a deep breath and then blow it out, my heart racing as I dug deep inside to where all of the pain was hidden. “Jessie was always a handful. He called me boring because I liked to study, and he said I never wanted to have fun. He ran out onto the ice of the lake. I begged him to come back, but he was a seven-year-old boy who liked to get his way. He didn’t listen.”
Closing my eyes, I could see the scene in my memory as I continued. I had to fight the urge to slam the door on the images. Breathing raggedly, I kept describing that day. “I was desperate to get him back to shore, but when he wouldn’t come back, I finally ventured out onto the ice myself, calling and calling for Jessie to come back. I didn’t know what else to do. He turned around to taunt me, but… I think he realized he had gone too far. It was too late. The ice broke and he fell in.”
Tears leaked from my closed eyelids, and I gripped the leather couch as I saw the images more vividly. “He was wearing winter clothes. He couldn’t get out. The ice kept breaking. Then I heard somebody coming, and I called out to them. I was so happy when I knew somebody was coming to help, but I still had to help Jessie. Time was running out for him. But when I moved closer to him, the ice broke under my own feet.”
I wrapped my arms around my body and rocked. “They rescued me. I was closer, and they didn’t know Jessie had gone under until it was too late. I let my baby brother die, and it doesn’t matter how many times I wished it was me instead of him, he’s still gone.”
Sobs were wracking my body as Gavin picked me up and cradled me in his arms, rocking me like a child as I wept angry, remorseful, sorrowful tears that I’d never cried when Jessie had died. “My father never let me cry. He said I should be grateful I was alive after I’d let my brother die. My parents hated me, Gavin. My mother hated me until she died, and my father still hates me.”
He held me tightly, stroking my hair as he whispered huskily. “No, baby. They couldn’t hate you. It wasn’t your fault. You were a kid. It was just a horrible accident.”
I shook my head, then buried my wet face in his neck. “My father does hate me. You have no idea how many times he’s told me I should have died instead of Jessie. I know he’s right, but—”
“He fucking says that?” Gavin rasped.
“All the time. I’ve tried my entire life to do something he’d be proud of, but I never have. Jessie would have done better, or he would have been more successful. It doesn’t matter what I do. He never lets me forget that I killed my little brother.”
“Look at me,” Gavin insisted as he moved into a sitting position and pulled me onto his lap.
I kept my face against his T-shirt.
“Charlie, look at me,” he rumbled, gently grasping each side of my head to force it back.
Our eyes met, and he locked me into his gaze and wouldn’t let go. “You are not responsible for what happened to your brother.” He said it emphatically, emphasizing every word. “It was an accident. I don’t give a damn what your father says or does. What kind of parent does that shit? Yeah, maybe he was in pain. Maybe deep down inside he couldn’t bear to blame himself for not being with you two. But damn him! You’re all he’s got, and you’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. You never should have been blamed for what happened to your brother, and he damn well should have been grateful you were still alive. Fuck knows I am.”
“He isn’t,” I choked out on a sob. “He wishes I’d died, and sometimes I wish that, too. Nobody wants me, Gavin. After Jessie died, nobody cared.”
“I. Fucking. Want. You.” Gavin’s voice was angry, but I wasn’t afraid. “Your old man can go to hell. He’s done a number on you long enough. You told me I couldn’t change my past, Charlie. You can’t either. But believe me when I say you’re no longer unwanted. You’re the best damn thing that’s ever happened to me, and seeing you nearly drown today made me realize that if something happened to you, there would be no damn hope for me. There’s a reason why you didn’t die that day. I fucking need you.”
Tears continued to trickle down my face as I saw the fierce intensity in his eyes. “I need you, too,” I answered in a tremulous voice.
“Don’t do that to me again, Charlie. Don’t ever risk your life. I get that you were having a flashback, and it was a knee-jerk reaction. But nothing and nobody is more important to me than you.”
Hearing those words from him made my heart ache. How long had I wanted somebody to accept me and want me for who I was? How many times had I wished my brother could still be alive? I was never allowed to grieve his death. But I was doing it now. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered as I lifted a hand to stroke along the stubble on his jaw.
“I’m teaching you to swim,” he said in a no-nonsense voice.
The thought terrified me, but for Gavin’s sake, I’d try. I’d avoided every body of water bigger than a hot tub since Jessie had died.
I nodded hesitantly, letting him know I’d do my best.
“Does it make sense to you now, that your father has completely poisoned your mind when it comes to your brother’s death? It’s not normal, Charlie. It’s sick and twisted.”
“It’s going to take some time. I’ve carried the weight of Jessie’s death my whole life.”
“If I can let go of my past, so can you. It’s over, baby.”
I sighed. “I missed him. I still miss him. I wonder what he would have been like if he’d lived.”
Gavin gently tucked an errant lock of hair behind my ear. “Maybe there would be two geniuses in the family.”
I smiled at him, my heart lighter because I could finally talk about my little brother and honor his memory. “I think he would have been an athlete. Maybe some elite quarterback or something? He loved to be outside, and he was already playing sports even when he was seven.”
Gavin grinned. “Maybe the athlete idea isn’t good. He might have kicked my ass for daring to steal his sister away.”
“He could have been so many things, Gavin,” I said tearfully.
“I know, sweetheart,” he said huskily as his arms tightened around me.
I buried my face in his neck and inhaled his familiar masculine scent, savoring his powerful embrace. He felt warm, comforting, and so very real. “Thank you,” I said gently.
“There’s nothing to thank me for, Charlie. I think we both need to bury our painful pasts together. We can’t change them. But we can move into the future.”
“My father—”
“Needs to be taught limits,” Gavin said gruffly. “If he can’t love you for who you are, and cherish you as a daughter, fuck him. One thing I’ve learned is that blood isn’t always the tightest bond. If he can’t treat you like you deserve to be treated, he’s baggage you need to dump. Does he know how you feel? Does he realize what he did to you?”
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “I never talked back, and I never argued with him. I felt guilty. I felt responsible. I let him heap anything and everything on my head without ever questioning it. And I never stopped trying to please him.”
“It stops now,” Gavin demanded.
“You’re right,” I agreed as I snuggled closer into his warm, hard body.
“Time for bed,” Gavin muttered as he rose, hauling my body up with him.
“Stay with me?” I asked hesitantly.
“Was there any question?” he asked with amusement in his voice.
I was already in my pajamas and he placed me gently on the bed before he stripped down to his underwear.
Thor and Ripley trotted hopefully into the bedroom behind us.
I smiled as I watched the two dogs sit beside the bed, Thor’s tongue hanging out and his fluffy hair fresh from a bath sticking out everywhere.
“Don’t even think about it,” Gavin warned the dogs as he slid in beside me and cradled me in his arms.
I saw the hopeful look stay on Thor’s face, and my heart melted.
“Maybe just tonight. They just had a bath, and I don’t think they understand what happened today.”
Gavin rolled his eyes with a pained expression, but he looked over at the dogs and whistled. “Come on, you two. You’re lucky Charlie has such a soft heart.”
Both pups sprang onto the bed, making it hard to maintain any personal space, but I didn’t care. Thor tried to wiggle in between us, but Gavin was having none of that, so Thor flopped over his legs happily, while Ripley got comfortable against my back.
Gavin might act like he puts limits on Thor, but he was a complete marshmallow when it came to both of the dogs. His expression looked pretty content right before he shut off the light, and plunged all of us into darkness.
Holding me tightly in his arms, he snickered as Thor started to snore. “You asked for it,” he reminded me.
“I did,” I said with a happy sigh.
I fell asleep with every living thing I really cared about on one king-sized bed.
It was the most peaceful sleep I’d had in a very long time.