Chapter Fourteen
Gia
There were people in the locker room, other foster care kids I’d grown up with who’d made good. I introduced them to Connor, but all the while, my mind was screaming that I was losing him. That he hated publicity events and if I didn’t get him out of there soon, I’d lose whatever small chance we still had. This wasn’t really a publicity event, and I sure as hell didn’t know why I so desperately wanted him around, but I did. I’d never thought of my emotions as especially logical. Besides, the secret I shared with Cassie was killing me, and the man was denser than a brick in picking up my hints. Cassie had sworn to me that she’d tell her brother about what was going on, but the two were alike in their ability to keep their mouths shut about anything important.
Smiling warmly at my friends, I made a quick excuse and dragged Connor toward my office, but then I heard voices down the hallway. Hell, my family was everywhere. How ridiculous was it that in a place the size of the ballpark, I couldn’t find a room to have a private word.
Then I spotted the sauna and dragged him in there.
Thankfully it wasn’t on, and the cedar wood smelled good. It was almost enough to cover the scent of male sweat. But honestly, I liked that, too, especially when I nuzzled Connor. Only that wasn’t going to happen, because we’d broken up. Or we would have if we’d ever really been together.
Ugh. My brain was working overtime, and it really needed to stop. “Look, I’m sorry about Bailey. She gets overprotective.”
Connor leaned back against the door, his expression inscrutable. Of course. “It’s a brother’s job to protect his sister. Your brothers—”
“Were being Neanderthals, but this has Bailey all over it.” I swallowed. God, this part was hard to confess, but I’d resolved to watch my words more closely. To be more honest about everything because Connor had that part right. There wasn’t enough honesty in the world, and so I needed to walk a straighter line. “I know I was supposed to keep everything between us private, but she and I share a bedroom. Plus she’s scary smart and determined—”
“Sounds like her sister.”
I had to choke off my words for a second to process his. Had he just given me a compliment? “Anyway, she got me to talk. About, you know, what you said. And now she’s pissed.”
“With good reason.”
There was another short silence as I tried to figure out his words. And then I took a breath to quell the surge of hope inside me. Had he just admitted that he’d been an ass? Maybe, but first things first.
“I didn’t mean to tell her any big secrets.”
He frowned at me. “Did you tell her about Cassie? Or Sophia?”
I shook my head. “I mean, she knows that they’re your sisters, but none of the details.”
He pushed off the door. “Then we’re good.”
“We are?”
He lifted his hands in a helpless gesture. “Look, do I like that my romantic business could end up on the internet? No—”
“She’d never!”
“But that’s not the secret I’m worried about. Does it bother me that you were upset? Yes. But I’m happy that you have a sister and two very large brothers who will stick up for you.”
Yeah. I was, too. “So you’re not upset about Bailey?”
“No.”
“Then…we’re good?”
He didn’t answer at first. And when I looked into his eyes, his expression hurt enough to make me want to weep. He looked like a little boy outside in the snow, his face pressed up against a window. There was loneliness there and a desperate need. Seeing his pain twisted up my insides like nothing else. “I want you.”
“I want you, too,” I said. “But you don’t respect me.”
“That was the wrong word. I think you’re an incredible woman from a family of incredible people. Were your brothers really in gangs?”
I laughed. “Well, if you can call eight-year-old kids gang members. It was really their older brothers who were involved, but social services intervened before things got bad.” I flushed with pride. “And now instead of stealing cars, Trevor’s becoming a mechanical engineer and Jackson wants to be a pharmacist. But Bailey’s the really smart one. She’s going to be a surgeon someday. I think it’s because we’ve watched way too much Grey’s Anatomy, but if anyone can do it, it’ll be her.”
He took a step closer, his eyes that dark mysterious gray I loved. “And today’s your birthday.”
“Adoption Day. That’s when I was really born.”
He nodded. “Happy Adoption Day.”
“Thank you. And thanks for coming. It’s good for you to get some one-on-one time with Cassie. I mean, it’s important that you two talk because—”
My words stopped as he touched my cheek. God, the feel of his calloused fingers turned me to jelly. I knew his heat, and I knew where this was going—a kiss that would make my toes curl and my logic short circuit. I could see the need and the question in his eyes, and damned if my whole body wasn’t straining forward. I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted a birthday kiss to end all kisses, and all the hot sexy times that would come with it.
But my brain was screaming about how nothing had changed between us. He still thought I was a lying sack of shit. And yeah, he hadn’t said those words, but that’s what I’d heard.
So I held up my hand. “If you respect me—”
“I do.”
“Then what did you really mean to say before?”
He sighed, and I could feel the defeat expand outward, filling the sauna until it was hard to breathe. And I knew now that he’d meant exactly what he’d said—he didn’t respect me or my career.
“Now who’s the liar?” I taunted.
I went to move past him, but he gripped my arm.
“I said that you confuse me. That I want you so much, I can’t think. I like your family, and I respect what they’ve done with their lives, you included.”
Well, as long as we were being truthful, I might as well put it all on the line. “But do you think you could love me?”
It was an incredibly hard question to voice aloud. Because once I asked it, I had to face it myself. Could I love him? Was it already too late? Was I already in love?
I didn’t have an answer. Especially when he responded without words. In less than a second, he jerked me tight to his body and pressed his mouth to mine. My body had been primed. It wanted him like it wanted to breathe. So while my mind was busy grappling with the question of love, my body was already trying to make babies.
He plunged his tongue into my mouth, and I wrapped mine around his. His hands slid to my bottom, and while my legs were trying to climb his, he gripped me tight against his groin. I felt him hot and hard against my belly, and then he lifted me off the floor. My hands gripped his shoulders, pulling myself against him.
I was busy kissing him as he moved me toward one of the cedar seats. Then a second later, he tipped me sideways, pushed up my skirt, and was tugging at my panties. It was sudden, and my heart was slamming against my ribs, but God I wanted this.
I’d kept myself away from him for weeks. I’d acted painfully professional around him, while inside, I just wanted to wrap myself in his arms. I’d sneaked peeks at him at practice, watched around corners as he talked to the coaches. And at night, I’d replayed our times together. I wanted him to want me. I thought I’d finally found a guy worth my heart, only to discover that he didn’t respect mine.
It had been hell, but it wouldn’t help to spread my legs for him now. That would be like answering a question about love with sex. The two weren’t the same. And yet, I couldn’t get the words out fast enough. My body was all about letting him do whatever he wanted. His mouth was on my sex before I could convince myself this was a bad idea. His tongue was stroking my clit while my mind was fighting to remember that this was just a distraction.
And when my first orgasm ripped through me, I lost all sense of decency. I spread my legs and offered myself to him like a banquet, growling, “You better have a condom.”
He did. And I helped him put it on. Then I levered myself up onto him and helped him thrust inside.
Deep. Hard. His penis was thick and made to fill me. I kissed him while he thrust into me. And when I could feel his breath grow ragged, I held on tight and whispered into his ear.
“Fuck me, Connor. Please God, fuck me.”
And so he did.
Hard. Fast.
Orgasms for two.
He pressed my mouth to his shoulder to muffle my scream. And when I finally looked back at his face, his expression was divine—head tilted back, mouth curved in a smile, and eyes closed in bliss.
Bliss.
Pleasure.
None of it was love.
So when I finally regained my strength, I maneuvered myself backward. He slipped out of me and opened his eyes. I watched him come back to himself. We both heard people laughing as they walked past the sauna, and I watched his cheeks flood with heat. Mine, too, I realized, as we cleaned up and fixed our clothing.
He didn’t say a word, but I couldn’t let either of us get away with that. I’d asked a question, and neither of us had answered.
“This wasn’t love, Connor. You know that right?”
He looked at me and nodded. Nothing more. Just a slow, deep nod.
“So what are you trying to say to me, Connor? Are you saying you can’t love me? That I’m not worth anything more than—”
“No!”
His response was explosive. He took a step forward until he towered over where I was sitting on the bench. I had to arch my back to look at him, but I didn’t back down. Sure, my body was still humming from his proximity. Part of me remembered that he hadn’t done his customary, “Just once more, please,” and really hoped that this was it.
But it wasn’t. He just stared at me with that intense expression. Fierce, but that wasn’t the emotion I was looking for. And so I stayed still and matched him, stare for stare. Then he asked the question I’d been dreading, the one I couldn’t answer anymore than he seemed able to.
“Do you love me?”
I shook my head. “No.” Truth, but not the whole truth. “Maybe I’m close.”
He swallowed. “Maybe I’m close, too.”
I arched a brow. “Really?”
“Yeah.” But there wasn’t joy in his tone. Not the kind I wanted. Not the scampering butterflies of happiness that were trying to burst through my chest.
“But you don’t want to love me. Because I lie.”
“You haven’t really lied,” he admitted. “Not really.”
Was he trying to convince himself?
“I’m still a spin doctor,” I said.
He winced. Yeah, this really was a problem for him. I sighed and scooted backward as far as the bench would allow. He let me go, then rubbed a hand over his face.
“I want you. Like no one ever before, I want you.” The emphasis on the last word told me he was struggling between wanting me and believing the things he’d always believed. And within those very specific lines, he shouldn’t want me, but he did.
It was an internal war, one that I didn’t know what to do about. It was his decision. Just like I had to decide if I wanted a man who lived with such rigid beliefs.
I didn’t know. And while we both stared in frustration at each other, my phone rang.
The tone was loud, jolting both of us. He stepped back as I scrambled to grab it from where I’d set it down when we first came in. I looked at the caller ID and blanched. It was my mother. I thumbed it on quickly.
“Hey, Mom!”
“Gia, where are you? We’re about to cut the cake.”
“Oh, my. I didn’t realize the time had gone by so quickly. I’m coming right now.”
“But where—”
I thumbed it off. Connor had his ear pressed to the door. Then he cracked it open and peeked out before swinging it wide. No one was around, thank God.
I hesitated a moment. I wanted to say something that would solve this problem, or at least provide us with a direction. I didn’t know if our sauna interlude meant we were back together—kind of—or if we were further apart than before. I had no freaking idea, and one look at his face told me he didn’t know either.
Which left us just standing there helpless.
Until my phone rang again. It was my sister this time.
With a grumble, I maneuvered past Connor and flicked on my phone at the same time.
“I’m coming!” I snapped.
“And I’ll be looking to see if your hair and makeup are mussed. And if you’re wearing panties.”
If I’d been embarrassed before, now I was mortified.
“Mind your own damn business,” I growled, before breaking into a run, finger-combing my hair all the way back to the party.