A pounding in my head wakes me from what may be the most peaceful sleep I’ve ever had. Maura fidgets next to me, and I do my best to even out my breathing again so I don’t wake her, because having her in my arms is the best I thing have ever felt.

She’s amazing. Everything about her is so fucking special and memorable, and she doesn’t fully realize it. Last night with her was…spectacular. Watching her come apart is something I’ll never forget. The look of surprise on her face and the glow she was sporting afterwards was genuine and pure.

“I love you,” I whisper aloud for the first time to her sleeping form, brushing my mouth against her forehead.

The pounding starts again, and I faintly hear a voice calling my name.

Weird. I’m definitely awake, and Maura isn’t talking, so that must mean someone is at the door.

I carefully extract myself from her grip, pausing every few seconds to make sure I haven’t woken her up. I must have been a ninja in a past life, because I manage to make it out without waking her.

As I walk into the living room, I recognize Hudson’s voice as the one coming through the door.

“Tuck! Open the door, man. It’s really fucking important,” he says in a panic.

I rush the last few steps and fling the door open to find him and Rae standing there with sorrowful looks on their faces.

Fuck. Whatever this is can’t be good news.

I open the door wider and let them in without a word. Rae rushes in first, probably searching for Maura, and Hudson follows, giving me a heavy clap on the shoulder. Okay. This can’t be good. Hudson flicks on the big screen and takes a seat. I continue to stand and stare at the screen until he flips it to a news station.

That’s when my knees fall to the ground.

“Breaking news out of North Carolina,” the voice on TV says. I hate that voice so much in this moment. “At United States Army base Fort Bragg, a helicopter has crashed due to technical difficulties.”

A helicopter. Tanner works with helicopters.

“As of six o’clock this morning,” the voice continues, “two soldiers have been reported dead.”

Rae gasps as two pictures flash up on the screen. I close my eyes and cover my ears because I can’t hear or see any more.

He’s dead.

“and one seriously injured,” the evil reporter says. “No civilian injuries have been reported at this time.”

I try my best to suck in air, but nothing is coming.

Tanner is dead.

My lungs are slowly emptying, and I’m beginning to feel lightheaded.

Tanner is dead.

Everything feels so far away.

My brother is dead. And the last thing I said about him was “he’s dead to me.” Fuck.

I feel two hands clasp my shoulders, shaking me hard. “Breathe, Tuck. Fucking breathe,” Hudson urges. He shakes me again. “Come on, man.”

I stare into the eyes of my best friend, trying to find anything stable to grasp on to.

I can’t.

I can’t find anything at all. Because my fucking brother is dead.

“Where’s Maura?” Hudson asks with tears filling his eyes.

I drop my head to my chest, not answering him. Maura. I slept with the girl my brother was in love with, the girl I’m in love with.

He died hating me.

He died hating Maura.

He died.

Air is in short supply again as I struggle to breathe. The sound is harsh in the otherwise quiet apartment. No one is moving. No one is talking. We’re only…existing.

“Tucker?” I hear her soft, silky voice say. She drops down in front of me, grabbing my face and bringing it up to hers. She wipes away the tears I didn’t realize were falling. “Tucker, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong?”

Before I can talk myself out of it, I slam my mouth against hers, cradling her head between my hands and holding on for dear life. She hesitates only briefly before she returns my kiss with equal want. And then we’re lost in each other for what is probably the last time.

Trust me, I know this isn’t my finest moment. If anything, it’s my most selfish moment. Because I know—I know—that she’s going to freak out in about twenty seconds when I tell her about Tanner.

And I’ll lose her. I know I will. Some of the tears falling down my face belong to her; they belong to us.

Or what we were.

Because whatever it is we had yesterday won’t make it to tomorrow. It probably won’t even make it five minutes from now.

I pull back from the kiss and nuzzle my nose against hers. It feels familiar, like it’s something we’ve always done when this is only our first time.

I study her face and memorize it because I don’t ever want to forget it. I take in her glassy blue eyes and platinum blonde hair with the dark pink tips and the three small freckles she has by her left eye. I take in the way her lips have the cutest pout to them.

Everything. I take it all in.

And then I tell her.

“He’s gone, Maura,” I rasp out, my voice weak and tired from crying and not being able to breathe. “Tanner is dead.”

I expected her to be sad, angry maybe. What I didn’t expect is for her to slap me. But she does. Hard.

Then she’s gone.

She’s sunk in a heap on the floor, sobs roaring from her curled-up form. Rae goes to her, holding her together when I know that I can’t. I watch like an outsider as the woman I love breaks apart for the brother who loved her too. And I know that I shouldn’t be jealous of her reaction, but I am. It’s all twisted and confusing and painful. I want to hold her and comfort her, but I can’t. I know she won’t let me.

“Tucker?” Hudson says. “Does your family know?”

They must. If it’s on TV, they know. And they didn’t fucking tell me. Either that or the damn media fucked up and leaked info they weren’t supposed to. But I’m guessing they know.

I don’t answer him. I only watch Maura.

“What’s going on?” Gaige asks, emerging from his bedroom.

Out of my peripheral, I watch Hudson go to him and break the news. He hangs his head and pulls Hudson in for a quick hug.

I guess now is the time to hold on to one another. Now is the time to tell each other how we feel, because we don’t know if we’ll get to tomorrow.

But sometimes, something so terrible happens that the yesterdays don’t matter, the tomorrows don’t exist, and the now is nothing but pain and heartache.

* * *

A haze, that’s what I’m in. I’m moving through the motions and trying to ignore the woman sitting next to me.

Maura’s currently comforting my broken mother. Apparently the news of the split between her and Tanner never made its way back to my parents. Because of this, I’ve spent the last few hours having to listen to her being called and introduced as Tanner’s girlfriend, not mine.

Although it was never made official out loud, it was in our actions and our connection. We knew.

And now, we have no idea. We haven’t spoken a word since this morning before I kissed her for the last time. We only accidentally made eye contact once, and it only lasted mere seconds before we both turned away.

“Tucker, baby,” my mother cries. “Will you please stay for the night?”

“Ma, I can’t. Besides, I don’t live far.”

“Oh, please. I need to have someone here with me tonight, and your father hasn’t come out of his garage since we got the news.”

I want to bring up the fact that it was hours after they knew Tanner was dead before they called to tell me. Hours. It wasn’t until after Rae took Maura home post-breakdown, and Hudson stayed with me and Gaige, that my mother finally called.

“Fine,” I concede, because she does need someone to stay with her so she doesn’t hit up the local quick mart for booze.

“And Maura? You’ll stay too?”

“Of course, Mrs. Bentley. Whatever you need,” she tells my mother.

It’s funny how the tables have turned in such a short amount of time. Mere hours ago I never wanted to leave my bed, a bed that had a sleeping Maura in it. Now I’m dreading sleeping in the same house as her, because I’m going to want to touch her and kiss her and hold her.

And I can’t do any of that.

I don’t have to look at Maura or hear her talk to know how sad she feels. I also don’t have to do any of those things to know how guilty she feels, to know how much she’s regretting us. Because I’m feeling sad and guilty too.

But I’m not regretting us at all.

It doesn’t matter that it’s been over a month since the dreaded party when our feelings for one another surfaced. All that matters now is that we never got the closure with him that we needed. We never got the chance to say how sorry we were—for hurting Tanner, not for falling in love. We never got the chance to earn his forgiveness.

Because of that, we’re stuck in this perpetual place of not knowing. And it’s killing both of us.

I wish Tanner had answered all my secret phone calls I made to him after Maura and I had promised to not dwell on it and had listened to my side of things.

I wish he hadn’t been a competitive asshole.

I wish he had never met Maura.

But wishes are pointless.

“I’ll go make the beds for you two,” my mother says, lifting herself off the couch and heading upstairs.

Rather than sitting here in silence with Maura, I search for my stepfather to see what state he’s in.

Walking into the garage, I smell that it’s apparently a drunken state. I know this is where the alcohol is kept locked up because of my mom. I never thought it would be him in here. Guess things do change.

“Aaron?” I say tentatively, turning on the overhead light.

“Turn that back off, you fucking bastard,” he growls.

Ignore him. He’s drunk and grieving.

I ignore his request and move farther into the garage. He’s sitting on the floor with his back to a workbench, hunched over a bottle of Jack. He smells like vomit and sweat and piss. It’s fucking disgusting. Crouching in front of him, I cautiously grab the bottle from his hands and try to hold back my own puke.

He stares up at me with dead eyes. “He’s gone. My son is gone. What the hell am I supposed to do now?”

“I think getting up off the floor and out of your own waste would be a great start,” I tell him.

He nods and holds his hand out to me. I help pull him up and throw his arm over my shoulder, practically dragging him across the floor since he’s too drunk to walk himself.

“I’m sorry, Tucker,” he slurs.

“For what?”

“For meeting your mother. It’s her fault all this happened. He wouldn’t have joined if she wasn’t a whore or a boozy.”

Fighting the urge to drop him, I say, “And maybe he wouldn’t have run off if you weren’t such an asshole.”

“But that’s your fault, too.”

Fucker.

Biting back the hateful words I want to spew at him, I help him out of the garage and into the living room, where he falls into a heap on the floor.

Glancing up, I notice that Maura is still sitting on the couch. By the expression on her face, she heard all that because I left the garage door open. Her eyes darken for only a moment, and I sense that she wants to say something, but she doesn’t. Instead, she closes her eyes, drops her head, and doesn’t say anything.

We don’t say anything.

We only keep existing.

* * *

How come when something awful happens and you want the day to be over with, it takes forever for that clock to strike midnight?

This is the day that never ends.

After getting Aaron in from the garage, I had to make phone calls until my voice got hoarse because my mom wasn’t up for it. In fact, she locked herself in her room. Maura sat beside me in silence the entire time.

When I make my last phone call, I scoot my chair back from the table and stand.

“I’ll take Tanner’s old room,” I tell my silent companion. “You can have mine. Second door on the left. I’ll be directly across the hall if you need anything.”

I don’t wait for an answer as I trudge through the house and up the stairs. When I enter Tanner’s bedroom, my stomach sinks. It looks exactly the same as it did when he left for basic training, while mine was turned into a guest room the instant I moved out. The walls are still a deep navy color, and his Sports Illustrated poster of a scantily clad model is still hanging on the wall above his beat-up wooden desk. I glance around and see his football trophy for MVP his senior year is sitting proudly on his dresser, along with the old watch he used to wear. Everything is still the same.

My brother wasn’t my best friend, or really a friend at all, for that matter. I felt like we were roommates more than anything. We occupied the same house, but we never bonded like brothers and friends should. I don’t mean that we never had any fun times—we did. They were few and far between. We fought more than we got along, and we ignored one another more than we talked.

It seems we only existed too.

As I sit down on his neatly made bed, I try to conjure up the last time I was in this room with Tanner. It was the month before he left for basic, and he was a dick as usual.

“Definitely, babe. I’ll sing to you anytime you want,” I hear him say from across the hall. He must be talking on the phone, because no one responds. “Yeah, I’ll play you a song now. Let me go grab my guitar. Hang on.”

His feet thump on the floor, and I know he’s coming over here. He doesn’t knock but instead flings the already cracked open door so it hits loudly against the wall.

“Get in here, dickhead. I just told this chick I could sing, and we both know I can’t carry a tune for shit. Come help your big brother get some pussy. Maybe I’ll give you a few tips so you can finally lose that fucking v-card your bitch ass is hanging on to.”

Mentally, I create a Fuck You List:

1. No.

2. I’m not a virgin like he seems to think. If he’d been paying attention, he would know that I’ve had a girlfriend for a year now, and we’ve had sex plenty in that time.

3. Go fuck yourself.

Out loud, I groan in disgust and close my songwriting notebook. Glaring at my brother, I say, “The only thing I’m going over there to do is tell that poor, unsuspecting girl that she can do way better than your pigheaded ass.”

He’s on top of me before I can blink, smashing my head between his forearm and bicep in a headlock. He starts punching my back.

“You’re gonna do it, fucker. Or I’ll beat your scrawny ass. Again.”

This is a regular thing with us. Tanner cornering me into doing bullshit things, me refusing, and him using his fists to get what he wants. Since I wasn’t into getting punched or fighting back, I usually ended up caving.

But not today.

“Get off, asshole!” I yell. “You’re smothering me!”

He lands another punch and then starts pulling me off the bed, my feet kicking the entire time.

“Goddammit, Tucker. Come on.” He’s still pulling my now limp body across the floor. “I can’t sing, and you’re fucking amazing at it. Do this for me one last time before I leave.”

Do my ears deceive me, or did he compliment me? Did he mean it?

I push my feet against the floor suddenly, causing him to trip and let go. I spin around to find him sprawled out on the floor on his ass.

“Say you meant it.”

“What?” he barks.

“Say you meant that I’m a good singer.”

He sighs. “Fuck.” He rolls his eyes. “Fine. You’re good.”

He does mean it. I can tell that he does. I think this is the first time my brother has complimented me in my life.

And it feels damn awesome.

“Stop looking at me like that. Fuckin’ pussy,” he growls again, pushing himself up off the hardwood. “Come on.”

This time, I follow him willingly.

Shit. I still think that may have been the only time he’s ever complimented me. I know my brother loved me despite our less-than-stellar relationship. But that wasn’t all on us. I know that with Aaron not acting as a father to me and an overbearing one to Tanner, he seemed like he was playing favorites. Tanner thought he was playing favorites to the wrong son, so he started resenting me for it.

We should have seen past it all though. Instead of fighting one another, we should have fought for a stronger bond together. But we didn’t, and now we can’t.

Taking off my shoes and shirt, I scoot around until I’m lying in the center of the bed on top of the blankets. I can’t make myself get under them. That feels too eerie in this moment.

I lie there for what seems like hours before I finally hear Maura creep up the squeaky stairs. She pushes open the door to my old room and shuffles her feet until she hits the bed. I hear her fall onto it and begin crying. It’s another five minutes before I get up to go check on her.

I don’t knock as I walk into the room across the hall. She’s curled up in a small ball on the bed, tears streaming down her face. It’s sad. She’s sad. This whole fucking thing is sad.

Silently, I walk around the bed and crawl in behind her, pulling her toward me. I place a gentle kiss on her shoulder. I don’t know if the hitch in her breathing was from that or her tears. Either way, it breaks my heart.

“I’m sorry.”

I swear I feel my heart crack. Her voice is hoarse and scratchy from crying and from not talking all day. But it’s still the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.

“What are you sorry for?”

“Everything.”

She rolls out of my embrace and turns over to face me. Her normally clear-blue eyes are puffy and red, her face blotchy. She’s been in tears all day, but she’s still the prettiest girl I’ve ever laid eyes on.

I lift my hand and push a lock of hair that’s falling across her face back behind her ear, tracing my finger down her cheek slowly until I reach her pouty lips. I want to kiss her, but I don’t know if I should.

“You can,” she says quietly.

So I do. I lean in and place a gentle kiss to her lips. She presses back harder, and before I know it, our tongues are meeting in a twisted passion and our bodies are flush against one another with our legs entwined as we lose ourselves in one another. Her hand roams down my naked back, grabbing at my ass and then around to my erection, rubbing it several times. Breaking the kiss, she swiftly pulls her shirt over her head and pushes down her black leggings.

Fuck. I don’t know if I can.

“Maura…,” I start.

“It’s okay, Tucker.”

I push my jeans down and strip my socks off. I try to roll over her, but she’s on top of me before I can, kissing my lips and then my neck, working her way down my body. She peeks up at me with her mouth hovering inches from my dick, and all I can see in her eyes is love. She doesn’t have to say it out loud; I know.

Then her wet, hot mouth covers me, and I lose all ability to think.

“Fuck. Maura.” I groan as she sucks me straight to the back of her throat, swallowing hard a few times and then popping back off. She gives me the sexiest fucking smirk and then flicks her tongue out, teasing me.

I’d laugh at her bravery, but she definitely has the upper hand here. She swirls her tongue over the head of my aching dick, then begins a rhythmic pattern with her mouth and hands.

I don’t want to think about where she learned to do this, but she’s amazing at it because I’m seriously about to blow already.

“Maura,” I pant. “You have to stop.” She doesn’t listen so I reach down and grab her head, trying to stop her movements. I swear all it does it egg her on. “Please,” I beg. “I want to be inside you when I come.”

That one gets her. She stops and then climbs on top of me, lowering herself on me.

I hiss as she takes me all the way in, letting out a low moan. “I swear you’re trying to fucking kill me.”

She starts a slow, steady pace, grinding herself down. She feels good. So fucking good. Too good.

Shit. No condom on. I don’t know if I have one. Why do I never keep them on me?

I grab her hips and stop her. “You gotta stop.”

“Ugh! Why do you keep freakin’ stopping me!” she huffs.

“We need a condom.”

She shakes her head and moves her hips in a small circle. “We’re fine. I’m on the pill.”

“Don’t give a shit. I’m not risking it.”

Lifting off me, she grabs her purse. She roots around a moment before tossing a condom at me. I raise my brow at her questioningly.

“What?”

I say nothing and roll the condom on. Before she can climb back on me, I position myself between her legs, line my dick up, and quickly thrust into her.

“Faster,” she demands.

I oblige, pushing my hips back and forth and back and forth. It’s fast and sweaty and nothing like our lovemaking last night.

This? This is fucking. This is us attempting to find a release within this shitty day. This is us trying to patch the holes in our hearts.

But it’s still amazing. It’s a whole new kind of amazing.

Maura reaches down and starts rubbing at her clit, needing stimulation that I can’t provide. I feel her start gripping at me from the inside, begging for a release.

“I’m close,” I bite out. “So fucking close.”

“Me…ahhhh!” She comes apart beneath me, pulling me over the edge into my own release.

My arms go weak, and I fall rather ungracefully on top of her. We’re both gasping air, our bodies sticking together with sweat.

It takes a few minutes, but I manage to gather up enough energy to push myself off of her and sit up. We’re silent again, unsure of what just happened. It was fast and climatic and good. So fucking good.

I stand up to go dispose of the condom. Maura reaches out to grab my leg.

“Don’t go. Please.”

Turning, I glance back over my shoulder and say, “I’ll be back.”

Her eyes shine in the moonlight that’s spilling in through the open window, and she nods, letting my leg go.

Pulling my jeans back on, I pad down the hall toward the bathroom. I hear my mother sobbing in her room. A part of me—the one that isn’t half naked with a full condom on—wants to stop and comfort her. The other part—the asshole part that sort of resents her—doesn’t.

The asshole part wins this round.

I make quick work in the bathroom and head back to my old room. When I walk back in, I find a now dressed Maura lying on her back in the middle of the bed, staring out the window. She seems sad and thoughtful.

She must sense that I’m there because she doesn’t look my way when she speaks.

“I’m not sure how to move on from this,” she says softly.

A pain shoots through my heart at her words so sharp that I grab at my chest where my tattoo of the black hole is. How fitting.

She continues. “I’ve been crying all day, that much you know. But I’ve been crying for all the wrong reasons. I’m sad that Tanner died. So, so sad. But I’m more heartbroken over us.” She finally turns her head my way, piercing me with her gaze. “How do we move on from this? Can we?”

I gulp loudly, not quite expecting that to be what she was meaning. She scoots over, inviting me to come lay beside her. Getting into bed, I lie on my side, curling my arm up under my head and matching her pose.

“I don’t know, Maura,” I say quietly. “I honestly don’t know.”

She doesn’t say anything, picking at a loose string on the quilt beneath us. I watch multiple emotions run over her face. Sadness, happiness, hope, love. In the end, she still looks confused and unsure.

“I think that may be the problem.”

I don’t want to know what that means for our future. Despite what’s happened and how shitty I feel about my relationship with Tanner and his death, I still want to be with Maura. I still need to be with her. I know that she’s it for me.

She’s my endgame.

Maura closes her eyes, the skin between her brows pinched together like she’s in pain. “I think maybe we should take time apart.”

I don’t say anything, because that’s definitely not what I want. But I’d give Maura the world if I could, and since I can’t, I’ll give her this one thing she needs. Time.

Wrapping my arm around her, I pull her close, placing a soft kiss to her forehead.

“Whatever you need, Maura,” I tell her, my lips brushing against her soft skin with every word. “I’ll be here for whatever you need.”