CHAPTER 24
Erin stared out the living room window at the fresh-fallen snow. A single line of footprints headed out into the maze that was laid out below them.
Well, that had gone even worse than she’d expected.
She rested her forehead on the window and sighed, her breath steaming up the glass.
“That’s a sad sound for this early in the day.”
Matt must have entered sometime after Erin had made her way down to the living room in the hopes of intercepting Tim. She debated for all of two seconds before letting her hopelessness spill out. “I just fucked things up royally.”
“With Tim?” Matt hummed. “He’s gone outside, has he?”
“Said he needed a walk.”
“Ahh. Cooling off. You got him pissed, did you? Announced you were leaving him for me?”
Erin turned, crossing her arms over her chest and leaning on the glass. The icy temperatures burned her through the thin material of her sleep shirt. “Probably not good to joke about me leaving Tim at the moment.”
Matt lost his grin, his boyish charm switching to dead serious. “Oh damn. This isn’t because of what we did last night, is it? I swear, I never would have touched you if—”
“No,” she interrupted. “It wasn’t you. It was me, thoughtlessly throwing us back in time.”
Her host nodded slowly before tilting his head to one side and motioning her toward the door. “Come on. Let’s find some coffee and a place to talk. If you’d like an ear.”
She glanced down at her pajama pants and decided what the hell. “Coffee would be great.”
The kitchen was quiet. A coffeemaker waited on the sideboard, and Matt moved smoothly to deal with loading it. Erin sat silently, aching inside for what she’d done. The noise of the machine filled the air, twisting together with her mixed-up thoughts.
Her world had been thrust into chaos, but unlike solving a problem in flying, she couldn’t see a safe passage through this one.
Matt poured her a cup and headed to the high counter, settling on a stool and waiting for her to start.
Talking with a near-stranger who was no longer a stranger. She wasn’t sure if this was wrong, but she needed help, and after all they’d shared over the previous days, Matt was a far better choice than most.
“Tim and I knew each other years ago. I left him, pushed him away, in fact. In December he came to Banff, found a job with Lifeline, and we’ve been together since then.”
“And there was something that happened before you left that set him off this morning?” Matt asked.
How to explain? How much to explain?
There was no place to start but at the beginning. “When we were younger, we were into experimenting with our sexual limits. Nothing too crazy, just stretching our boundaries and seeing what things we liked. Some ropes, a little bit of physical control. I liked it when Tim took charge, and he enjoyed it as well.”
Matt took a drink of his coffee, his expression remaining nonjudgmental. “I could see that working well for you.”
She sighed. “We got an invitation to join a private party. A bit more organized, a bit more extreme—people who knew what they were doing. We went in as part of our whole checking it out attitude. Not serious serious, just looking for more of what turned us on. Before we went, we agreed that all we would do was observe. We were young enough that we pretended to be more sophisticated and knowledgeable than we were.” A bitter laugh escaped. “I’m sure they saw us coming a mile away, but we were cocky enough to try anyway.”
“Oh hell, I can see trouble already.”
“Yeah.” Erin rubbed a finger along the top of her coffee cup, pushing away the images that still rushed back after all this time. “He’d had the idea of me going in wearing a collar—you know, Google can get you enough information to get into big trouble, real fast. I was his submissive, ready and willing to kneel at his feet, especially when surrounded by other couples who were full time into the lifestyle. It was hot at first—looking around, being a part of something that was edgy. Then Tim got asked by one of the guys if we wanted to be involved in a demonstration, and he agreed.”
“After you’d said you weren’t going to be involved in anything that night?”
She nodded.
“Shit.”
There was so much to the story—so many layers. “I don’t blame the Dom. He did everything he was supposed to. In fact, looking back I think he was trying to teach Tim something that we were obviously ignorant about. And even though I was uncomfortable, I didn’t want to call him out.”
Erin lifted her gaze to Matt’s. “So here’s the thing. Tim went through all the right steps with the Dom’s guidance. They negotiated limits—I was still partially clothed. There was no sexual contact with anyone else. All of it they did properly, and in the end, I took part in a flogging demonstration.”
She lowered her voice, fighting to continue, because here was where her downfall had come. “And I enjoyed it—but that enjoyment ultimately made me feel even worse. We talked about the night afterward, Tim and I. He apologized for making a stupid move and allowing it to happen after we’d agreed not to get involved that first time. I gave him hell, then we kissed and made up, and he thought we were okay. Only I ended up packing my things about a week later, and I left.”
“Because you didn’t trust him anymore.”
“It wasn’t because of the flogging.” A long pause before she forced out the truth. “I told Tim this as well. I was just as capable of saying no as he was. I had a safe word, I knew I could say no at any time. Only the fact that I chose not to proved I was weaker than I’d thought. I was willing to give up everything, and that scared me enough that I ran. I picked a fight with Tim when he tried to track me down, and I told him we were done. Gave some bullshit excuse about moving on with my life, and that while he’d been fun, he wasn’t a keeper. I never wanted to see him again.”
Matt cringed. “Ouch. That must have hurt.”
Erin sighed. “He retaliated by getting me fired, so yeah, we both played dirty.”
“Shit, really?”
“I was on contract with the company that provided helicopter service to Tim’s area. Tim found another company that was willing to offer a better deal, and we lost the contract, putting me not only out of his apartment, but out of a job. In some ways I was more pissed about that than anything else because it was a slap in the face to my career.”
“Remind me never to get you two mad at me.” Matt leaned back on the counter. Paused. “So, why did you bring this up now? Why the conversation regarding what made you leave?”
And now came the confusing part of her confession. “I don’t know.”
“Bullshit.”
Erin tightened in shock at his blunt response. “What?”
“I think you knew what you were doing.” Matt shook his head. “Trust me on this. I’ve been there, and I’ve done the same thing. You deliberately brought up something from your past because you felt the same thing happening all over again. Tim mentioned you gave him control this weekend. Suddenly you’re wondering if you’ve made the same mistake you did back years ago.”
“But I trust Tim. We’re not the same people we were. We’re older, and wiser, and I wouldn’t have given him control if I didn’t know he’d do what was right for me in the bedroom.”
Matt’s expression changed as he reached across and squeezed her hand gently. “And there’s the root of your problem.”
Erin tempered her frustration, waiting for the revelation he seemed to have arrived at.
He leaned back. “Seems to me for all your talk about trust, you’re forgetting it’s not something you turn off and on. Doesn’t matter if you’re playing freaky games in the bedroom and you know one hundred percent that he’s got your back there, if you don’t also believe that’s true right here in the living room. Or in the chopper, or on the street corner—and hell, giving it a location isn’t even going to work because you could end up having sex any of these places, and it would turn into Tim being in charge.
“But if you don’t trust him not to boss you around when you’re dealing with life, then you don’t trust him. Period. It’s as simple as that.”
“It’s me I don’t trust,” Erin protested.
“Crock of bull, darling. Trust is trust.” Matt pushed his coffee cup away. “Look, I’ve known you for less than a week, but I already picked up something about your personality and your character. I know Tim. Why would you assume that he would want to change anything about the way you are? You’re passionate, exciting, and wicked smart. That doesn’t go away just because you’re on your knees sucking someone’s cock, or you’re getting flogged, or you’re hauling the search-and-rescue team into remote situations, or you’re saving our collective asses from some crazed kidnappers. How could you doubt your strength? You’re a woman any man would be honoured to be with at any time, in any place.”
His words rushed her like a cooling balm, stilling some of her fears for a brief moment before doubt rushed in again. The memory of Tim’s face before he’d left the room that morning was tearing her heart in two.
What if he decided he didn’t want to be with her anymore? That her confusion wasn’t worth it to him? It would be her own damn fault for having stirred the pot now.
But maybe it was better now than letting things go on longer . . .
Fuck it, she didn’t know which way to turn.
“Thanks for the compliments, Matt. And you’ve helped, really you have. It’s as if I’m on the edge of understanding, but it’s still frightening. I . . .” She pushed off her chair and paced the room. “Now I get why Tim went for a walk. I’ve got so much energy inside I’m about to explode, and I can’t think straight.”
Matt nodded. “You want a treadmill? Work off a little steam and see if it helps settle your brain?”
Perfect. “You’re brilliant. That would be wonderful.”
He nodded, then surprised her by opening his arms wide and standing motionless. She stepped into his embrace and accepted the comfort of his hug. Nonsexual, just a good friend who wanted the best for her. “You’ll figure it out, you and Tim. I know you will.”
She squeezed him hard before stepping away. “How did you get so smart?”
“Staring into your own death before you turn forty makes you think a lot about your life. The mistakes you’ve made, the people you should have trusted. I meant it—I’ve been where you are, and I would give anything to be able to go back in time and trust more thoroughly.” Matt pulled a face. “I want you and Tim to have the chance that I don’t have anymore.”
Then he set her up on the treadmill, and she lost herself in the mindlessness of physical distraction for an hour.
She would find a way to make this work. Somehow. She had to.
* * *
It took him until he’d hit the end of the trail to burn off his initial what the fuck attitude that had rolled in as he’d listened to Erin’s confession. The second trip around the loop let Tim work through his anger that they’d spent so many wasted years over what still came down, in his opinion, to a bloody misunderstanding.
Though in fact, maybe the years apart were what made it easier to rid himself of his frustration quicker than otherwise possible. He’d already suffered doubt, and embarrassment. Loneliness and regret—all the fucking stages of grief had passed through his life, consuming time and energy to deal with.
It meant his perspective right now was far from what it would have been earlier. He was mature enough to admit that if she’d shared this directly after their incident had happened, he probably wouldn’t have understood. It would have been the end of them.
Now? It was the beginning.
Now he was going to fight for what he wanted, and that meant dealing with what Erin had shared, and not just staying pissed off like a child. Somehow he had to make it clear that while he respected her fears, running away wasn’t an acceptable solution.
He was on his way back to the house when his phone rang. It wasn’t Erin like he’d hoped, though, but his boss.
“Marcus? What’s up?”
Marcus spoke without preamble. “When you stopped by Lifeline yesterday morning, was anything out of place?”
Tim thought quickly. “No. We put away the gear from the chopper, and everything looked normal. Is there a problem?”
He didn’t want to go back yet, not until he’d had a chance to talk to Erin, but if they had to . . .
“Alarm went off early this morning,” Marcus shared. “By the time the RCMP and I made it down, though, there was no one around. The door had definitely been tampered with. How full was your medical supply cupboard?”
“Not very. I took a lot with me on the call-out, and obviously never restocked yet.”
Marcus sighed. “That’s probably what they were after, and why they left so quick. Okay—not to worry. Just had to touch base.”
“You need us back?” Tim asked.
“Nope. I’ll deal with the RCMP. Only when you’re on duty again? Make a note to check the narcotics.”
“Done.” Tim breathed a little easier. “Lock up tight, and we’ll be back in a few days.”
Dealing with Marcus’s questions had been good for him, even though he wondered at the rash of break-ins Banff was experiencing. Between the call and the fresh air, his mood had turned, and he’d lost more of his bottled frustration.
He let himself back in the house and made his way upstairs, somehow unsurprised to discover Matt waiting for him in the living room. His friend’s appearance was too timely to be coincidental.
Tim slowed to a stop at Matt’s deliberate throat clearing. “What?”
Matt dropped the paper he was hiding behind, folding it carefully and placing it to one side. “That woman is in love with you.”
Tim laughed, unable to remain annoyed at his friend for his obvious upcoming interference. “You’re a relationship expert now?”
His friend shrugged. “She’s got all the signs of it, in case you’re too close to notice. She told me everything, by the way. Everything that happened back in the old days, and what she did this morning. She’s in the gym working out the advice I gave her.”
“Which was?”
“That she needs to trust you all the time.” Matt rose to his feet and paced toward him. “Tim, I’ve been your friend for years. We’ve done some crazy things together, and I don’t trust you just because you saved my life. You’re an amazing man in so many ways. I don’t think she understands how much thought and caring you put into being in charge.”
Sudden clarity struck, and Tim felt damn near light-headed with the rush of inspiration. Holy fucking shit. “Matt, you’re a genius.”
His intense approval made Matt pause. “Well, thanks, but—”
“No, I’m serious. Damn. Damn.” After all his concern regarding how he was going to move them forward, the idea triggered by Matt’s casual comment was like having an impossible algebra equation magically unfold before him. “You know how I asked if you’d help me give Erin a fantasy? Would you be willing to also help straighten out this mess?”
A crease formed between Matt’s brows. “I don’t know what more I can do than offer advice. I mean, I’m willing, but what do you have in mind?”
Tim paused, ideas rushing him, but the specifics still falling into place. “Give me a bit to work out the details, but your point is valid. She doesn’t know everything I think about heading into a situation, sexual or otherwise. Maybe that needs to change. Maybe what Erin needs is a hands-on dose of being completely in charge, not just the bit of holding back I was doing over the last couple of months. It might be the eye-opener we both need.”
Matt clasped him by the shoulder, his smile growing firmer as he nodded. “Whatever I can do to help, I’m your man.”
Tim slapped his back earnestly, then took off to figure out exactly the right way to make his point.
Erin was going to be his because she would know one hundred percent he was not only what she needed, but what she wanted. Heart and soul.
No turning back. Her body, her choice—it had to be for him.