CHAPTER 25
It was one thing to know where they had to go. It was another situation entirely to convince another person to take them both there. Tim changed quickly and headed down to the workout room before Erin could vanish.
She had finished her run and was seated on the floor stretching. Her dark eyes tracked him cautiously as he headed straight across the room into her space. When he squatted and wrapped his fingers around the back of her neck, leaning their foreheads together, tension oozed out of her like a slow leak in a punctured tire.
“It’s going to be okay,” he whispered. “We’ll figure it out.” They weren’t typical words for a vow, but it was still a promise.
Erin nodded silently, and he ignored the extra moisture welling in her eyes. A bit more space was called for, so he pressed his lips to her forehead, then stepped away.
He headed to the free weights and grabbed a couple of light dumbbells to use for warmup. “Matt’s got some business to take care of this morning, so he said for us to help ourselves to breakfast. He’ll be free after lunch.”
“I thought he was on holidays until Wednesday?”
Tim met her gaze in the mirrors. “He’s giving us time to work this out.”
“Just like that?” Utter misery in her voice. “We can get rid of years of baggage in a moment?”
“Make a start then. Move forward.”
Erin didn’t answer.
“Come and spot me while I do bench presses,” Tim requested. What he was thinking was no more running away allowed.
Erin moved into position, and slowly the awkwardness drifted away. For the next forty-five minutes they fell into a comfortable, familiar routine. Not as Tim and Erin who were friends and lovers, trying to find a way to deal with the past. Not as Tim and Erin who walked a fine line of excitement and needed to find a way into their future.
Just steady co-workers. People who used their bodies to do a job and needed to keep their equipment in peak working condition.
When she laughed out loud at a snarky comment he dropped, Tim smiled. The next time they both had their hands empty, she surprised him by sneaking in and curling herself up close.
“Hug attack. I like it.” He stroked her back softly as she relaxed against him, both of them slightly sweaty, but damn if he cared. It was far more important to have her cheek resting on his shoulder, rhythmic puffs of air crossing his neck as her breathing evened.
It was time.
He stole one final brief kiss before adjusting their position so he could look into her eyes. “We need to talk.”
Erin made a face. “Can I apologize first for having the worst timing ever? Here we are in the middle of a fantasy-level vacation, and I dumped on it.”
“No apologies. If anything, I’m as much to blame because we should have had this conversation back in December when I first arrived in Banff. So instead of figuring out who did what wrong, let’s move on.”
“Agreed.”
He led her to the workout bench and sat her down, dragging a second bench closer so he could sit by her side. “I listened closely to everything you had to say this morning.”
“And you were pissed.”
“I was, but I’m not anymore. What I am now is confused.”
She frowned. “What part didn’t make sense?”
Tim hoped like hell this was going to work. “You were afraid you’d be willing to give up all control, inside the bedroom and out. Matt made a comment when I got back that helped me realize something.”
“Matt said a lot of things this morning,” Erin muttered.
Tim laughed. “He’s an opinionated bastard, isn’t he?”
Her expression twisted into a wry smile. “Sly bastards. I’m surrounded by them.”
Tim caught her fingers in his. “Serious now. Erin, what happens when you give me control in the bedroom? Think it through, and tell me everything.”
She paused. “You . . . make me feel good. Take me places I can’t go by myself.” He nodded for her to continue. Her pupils widened slightly, as if in remembered passion. “You push my boundaries at times, but it always ends up with me trusting that the result will be worth it. Like having sex in front of Matt. I enjoyed that so much, and I can’t even explain why.”
“I still take my pleasure,” he prompted. “It’s not just about you.”
“It feels like it’s all about me.”
Tim waited while a soft stream of curses escaped her lips.
“And that comment proves I’m a bigger ass than I thought.” She sighed heavily before lifting sad eyes to meet his. “You just seem so damn careful and considerate all the time, but it is about both of us, isn’t it?”
“Yes.” Tim lowered his volume, his voice barely above a whisper. “I think about you the entire time. I watch. I listen closely. Trying to figure out what you need—really need—and what’s going to take us both there.” He stroked her fingers lightly, needing to touch her. “I’m selfish enough to want the result to be pleasurable for me as well.”
She turned her hands over in his and watched as he traced his thumb back and forth over the sensitive inside of her wrist. “I’m pretty sure if it were a choice between my pleasure and yours, you’d pick mine.”
“It’s not difficult to want the best for you.”
Erin cupped his face with one hand and leaned in to kiss him, the moisture clinging to her lashes wetting his skin as she brushed her cheek against his.
He took her offering but didn’t let it end there. He couldn’t. “You were afraid the next step would be giving up all control to me outside the bedroom.”
She nodded.
They hovered on the edge of a knife blade. Could he help her understand? “Think for a moment. Think of what you said I do when it comes to the control you grant in our sex lives. What if, and I’m not asking you to become my full-time sub, but just think. What if you did give up control to me in all places, and all times? What do you think I would do with that power?”
Erin pulled back as he spoke, her expression changing rapidly. A second of shock, followed by bewilderment, confusion, then finally frustration. “I . . . Dammit, Tim, I don’t know. I want to say one thing, and then images of what I’ve seen over the years invade, and I lose my mind and can’t spit anything coherent out.”
He soothed her, stroking her arm carefully. “You’ve been to clubs, I take it, and . . . what? Read books? Seen full-time subs at their Master’s feet, naked and on display during dinner parties?”
“Collared and controlled,” she offered in a whisper. “The thought gives me shivers for all of three seconds before it nauseates me. I don’t want that, I don’t. And yet . . . I do.”
“Oh, love. You’ve got the right idea headed in the wrong direction.” He pulled her across the short distance separating them to give her the hug she so clearly needed.
She clung to him, curling her legs up and nestling in like she was craving the contact.
They sat in silence for a good five minutes. Her breathing remained rapid, and she twitched at times while he stroked her back and caressed her softly. Their positioning wasn’t sexual, but in many ways the contact was intimacy of a far greater nature than full-out sex.
His hopes rose.
“Explain. What wrong direction am I headed?” Erin asked, firmness reentering her voice.
“Your admiration for the Doms and their subs—it’s the depth of the relationship that you’re craving. The commitment to caring, the complete connection. However, you’ve also got a bit of an exhibitionist streak, if you’re willing to confess to it.”
She snorted. “Fine. I like to be watched.”
“When you see subs on display, you like what that represents, but, Erin”—he tilted her head back to stare into her eyes—“you’re right—you don’t want that all the time. You have other needs that rise stronger when you’re in public. If you were twenty-four-seven with a Dom who really paid attention, you would still not end up like those subs. That’s not your fantasy—and a relationship that intensely controlled isn’t right for many people. In fact, there are as many different variations as there are couples.”
“So you’re saying I don’t have to worry about losing my will by being involved with you?”
“I’m saying you’d never make a full-time sub of the naked variety, even though you do like to be watched. It would make it damn near impossible to pilot the chopper on rescues. You’d distract everyone.”
“Smart-ass.”
The tension was there still, but she was smiling again.
Tim went for broke. “I have a proposition. I think it will make things clearer for you.”
“Go on.”
He twisted her to face him. “I suggest that for the rest of the day, you be in charge.”
An adorable frown creased her face. “Of sex?”
“Of everything. Unless you intend to spend fourteen hours fooling around, which . . . okay.”
Erin hesitated. “Me being in charge in the bedroom doesn’t do it for us. If I’m being honest. We did that for the past few months, remember?”
“Well, it didn’t suck that bad.”
She smiled.
Tim went on. “I know what you’re saying, but the experience could still be educational, if we approach it from a new angle. Don’t think about the kink, consider the mind-set.”
A momentary flash of delight broke free. “I get to order you around for the entire day?”
“I’ll be putty in your hands. Everything you desire from me. I’ll be your magical genie, and your wish will be my command.” He waited, absolutely sure she would get the full picture without him prompting her.
The truth of what being in charge actually meant.
When her amusement rapidly faded, Tim waited to see what she’d do.
It was either the smartest thing he’d ever done, or the stupidest. The next few hours would tell.
* * *
Her head felt full of stuffing. Tim’s suggestion that she take charge had been unexpected and, in a way, unwanted. Until she realized it was a serious, well-considered proposition, like everything he did.
There were far more reasons to accept the task than to turn it down.
The most important was that working through this day might somehow help them take steps to make their relationship work. She hadn’t brought up old wounds for fun, or even as Matt had hinted, in a twisted attempt to tear her and Tim apart.
After last night she wanted them to work, but the fear that remained was too much to conquer on her own.
So she pulled herself together and took a deep breath. Refocused on what needed to happen next, as she would in a rescue situation.
She was in control? This wasn’t the first time, and it wouldn’t be the last. She knew how to deal with it.
Erin found her feet, putting herself into position over him. “Challenge accepted.”
Tim leaned back. “Good for you.”
Then he sat there.
Waiting.
She laughed. He was going to take this to the extreme, was he? Put her in charge of absolutely everything? “I hope you don’t expect me to tell you when you’re allowed to take a piss, because you’re on your own for that one.”
Amusement bloomed over his face as he pushed back his dark hair. “Acknowledged. I’m in charge of my own pissing.”
They grinned at each other for a moment, and then she stepped forward and laid a hand on his shoulder, stroking the firm muscles under her fingers. “You done with your workout?”
“Enough for today.”
She stroked him with her words now, as well as her fingers. “You want a shower?”
Tim’s eyes lit up. “I thought you’d never ask.”
They linked fingers and headed off through the maze of the rental house. “I still can’t believe you have random billionaires on speed dial.”
“I know lots of interesting people. Wait until we get front-row invites to a couple of rock concerts.”
She wasn’t sure what to make of that comment, so she concentrated on their target instead. Considered their plans, since she had to make the decisions. Shower, then breakfast. Then another day in paradise . . .
Her feet stalled, and she jerked to a halt. “What about Matt?”
Tim stepped around her, pacing backward down the hall. “You need to double-check, but he said this morning that he was good with whatever we had going down.”
Of course he had. Great. Wonderful. Fucking marvelous. This changed things . . . and yet, not.
Screw it. Erin powered forward. She’d been flying missions for years. Done what needed to be done in scary, hairy circumstances. This was simply one more day, and she wasn’t going to be frightened off by the fact that she now had two grown men at her beck and call.
Two men who’d fucked her senseless the night before.
She slapped down her brain before it could head further into stupid territory. Instead, she turned the stress around, and as they entered their suite she summoned up all the rules she’d used for so many years in her life.
Gather information. Make observations. Set in motion what needed to happen.
Getting in the decadent two-person shower didn’t take any huge powers of persuasion. Tim wasn’t pushing too far in terms of making her tell him everything to do, which she appreciated.
Stepping into his personal space and tilting her head for a kiss was like any other time—with an instantaneous and enthusiastic response on his part.
Even as their bodies came into contact, though, she was thinking about what they were going to do. Not in an “I wonder what comes next?” kind of way. Not even in the “do we have time for sex before breakfast?” mind-set, watching the clock and working the odds. She’d already figured out there was plenty of time for whatever they wanted to do—so . . . what did they want to do?
Or more importantly, what would make Tim the happiest right now?
Far too many options instantly flashed to mind.
He stilled, smiling against her lips. “And you’re chuckling while we’re kissing. Way to make my ego swell.”
“Sorry. Mentally running through different scenarios and considering what kind of sex you’d enjoy is pretty entertaining.”
He settled his hands on her hips, sliding their bodies back and forth slightly. The water had slicked up their skin so they rubbed in the most interesting way, the dusting of hair on his chest and thighs a sensual tactile contrast to her smoothness. “Entertaining sex is what I do best.”
“You are easy to please.” She draped her arms around his neck, twirling her fingers in his hair. “No sex right now. Turn around. Let me take care of you.”
He moved to follow her order while she grabbed the soap and lathered up her hands.
Last night had been amazing. This morning—not so much, and this shower was as much a symbolic act as a necessary one after their workout. She worked the soap over his torso, hands moving quickly, not as a tease, but as a renewal. Freshness coming into their relationship. A new start.
“May I wash you as well?” Tim asked after she’d worked her way around him, fingers lingering on his chest. Admiring the contrast between their skin tones, and the other physical differences—mass of muscles, overall size.
“Would you like to wash me?” she asked. “I thought you’d be hungry by now.”
His eyes flashed with desire. “I’m always hungry.”
It was inevitable, she supposed, that one thing led to another, and she ended up pinned to the tile wall, one leg lifted high as he supported her under her knee and fucked her silly.
In the shuddering aftermath of their orgasms, his cock slipped from her, and they stood under the twin showerheads and held each other as the water poured over them. Breathing slowly returning to normal.
Erin rested her cheek on his chest. “So much for being in charge.”
“Trust me, that was completely your idea,” Tim insisted. “I’m starving, but since you ordered me to do all kinds of dirty things to you, there was nothing I could do but obey—oww.”
He rubbed his chest where she’d leaned in and playfully bitten him.
She tossed him a smirk. “Fine, it was my idea. So now let’s get dressed and find some food before you keel over from hunger.”
“Yes, Mistress.” He backed off quickly, hands held out front to guard himself as she bared her teeth in warning. “What big teeth you have, kitten. And what sharp claws.”
“You’ll feel them both if you don’t haul ass.” She grabbed a towel and twirled it for a second before snapping the end at his bare butt. A sharp crack rang through the air, followed instantly by his shout.
Dressing took longer than expected as an every man for themselves towel war broke out and they chased each other around the bedroom.
By the time they made it to the kitchen, Erin was hungry enough to eat just about anything. Tim had to be starving. She was happy to discover an assortment of food waiting for them in the fridge—more than enough variety of baked goods and fruit to satisfy even their appetites.
She couldn’t stop smiling as they found a spot at the long breakfast bar. Outside the day had brightened, sunshine now pouring in on another cloudless Alberta winter day. Erin grabbed them cups of coffee and settled at Tim’s side with a contented sigh.
“You’re looking far happier than you did first thing this morning. I’m glad.” Tim lifted his coffee mug to click with hers.
“Amazing sex will do that to a girl.” Erin lowered her cup, keeping eye contact with him. “It’s not only the sex, though. Thank you for not dismissing my fears. I’m still not sure what we’re going to figure out today, but it’s been a whole lot of fun so far.”
He winked. “The day doesn’t have to be big and scary. But you’re right. We’ve just begun to figure things out. Enjoy yourself.” He speared another forkful of bacon he’d found and hummed happily. “I always enjoy my time while calling the shots.”
“Always?”
Tim paused. Considered. “Honestly, yes. Because even when there are tough decisions to make? There’s a pleasure in it for me that . . . Damn, I don’t know that I can explain it. It’s a kind of excitement bordering on a thrill. Like heading out skydiving, but more powerful because it’s right here in real life.”
That made more sense than she’d expected, and Erin nodded. “I get that sensation in the middle of a rescue. When things are going well, or even when they go to hell. Being pushed to react instantly, to make the right decisions—ones that could make a difference in saving someone’s life . . .”
She did know what he was referring to, only she’d associated that kind of pleasure with her work. With her lifestyle outside the job, things were different. Even her decision to go to The Wild and only hang out in the bar area with Phillip—exercising a level of control that meant she had a safe haven around her, but the edge still gave her a kick.
Maybe not to the same degree as if she were being tied up and restrained, or being watched on the sly. The rush from that was a different kind of exhilarating.
Gentle contact with the back of her hand pulled her from her ponderings. Tim stroked a second time lightly with his fingers. “You get this. It’s powerful to be in charge, isn’t it?”
“High-test adrenaline shot straight-up into a vein.” Erin grinned. “Okay, I’m ready for the next challenge. One sunny day—what shall we do with it? And don’t suggest cliff jumping because you already did that at Matt’s.”
“Spoilsport.” Tim filled his plate a second time, then started spouting off the wildest and most insane suggestions. Everything from spearfishing to building a massive labyrinth in the outdoor entertainment area and setting up a paintball fight.
Erin bantered with him and enjoyed every minute, right up until reality kicked in again.
This exercise was supposed to show her why she could trust Tim all the time, in all the places. And even though they were having fun, she still wasn’t sure where their worlds overlapped. How to take the trust she had for him into the real world and move it into this other place.
What they had still seemed more suited to a fantasy realm out of normal time and space. Somewhere her sexual desires and urges toward submission didn’t seem so contradictory to everything she admired in the women she worked with. Everything she’d fought for over so many years in becoming a pilot. In dealing with the naysayers who didn’t like her sex. Who didn’t like her skin colour. Hell, who didn’t like the friends she kept.
She liked who she was, and no matter how much fun it was, and how much she . . . cared for Tim, this couldn’t become a forever thing if she had to give up everything that made her tick. Hopefully this exercise would be the final proof that would let her move forward with confidence.
Because her independence and strength were too important to be abandoned even for out-of-this-world sex. Even for a man with whom she was beginning to think she was falling in love.