It’d been a week since his crushing words. Since his stake in my heart.

I don’t stare at Bryan in class. I don’t look at him in the hallways. I wasn’t sure why I punished him. He didn't like me. That was fine. He wasn’t obligated to want me just because I wanted him. But my humiliation fed me, festered in my belly. I could hear Rodney’s words, his laughing voice. The whole school knew I was in love with Bryan and now I had to walk across a stage with him. I had to put on a dress, fix my hair, make myself vulnerable. The whole school would see through me, see my want and the way he flushed my skin.

I regretted our scheming, our plans. I regretted it all. But, save for a life-threatening illness, I was stuck doing this. I had to suck it up and figure out how to walk in heels. How to shut out the noise of a thousand teenagers. I had exhausted my friends with my worries, but they loved me. They indulged me. I left out Rodney's dumb ass plan for me. His words for me. I should have told them so Christina could really hear what kind of guy he was. Maybe it would have saved her.

It was a Friday night, and Britt, Akia, Christina, and I were cruising around our small town. There wasn’t much to do, and we didn't party. So we drove in a loop, around the square, down by Al’s Liquor, across the Town and Country parking lot. We turned the heat up and rolled the windows down. There were warm days, and there were biting cold days. Mother nature couldn’t figure out which seasons she wanted to cling to.

Britt’s car was a four-door Civic. It was perfect for us, and she was the only one able to drive in our group. When we became friends, we must have somehow known that we collectively had the strictest and most worrisome parents in Burlingame. Their tight reins had to account for some of our social standing at school.

The Nelly song we had been rapping came to an end, so I pushed forward in my seat, sticking my head between Britt and Christina. “Can we get back to the matter at hand now?”

Christina groaned. “You need to calm down. You have the perfect dress and Akia is going to do your hair.”

Akia, seated next to me, reached up and squeezed my shoulder. “Yes. It’s going to look great.”

Britt chimed in, equally exhausted with me. “And tomorrow we are going to Topeka to get your shoes.”

“I just want to get laid, and stop talking about your damn outfit and the fact that you get to walk in with your crush,” Christina groaned.

I turned to her and made a mocking disgusted face. “You’re a lady. Don’t say things such as that.” I imagined her losing her virginity to Rodney and shivered.

“I’ll say as such as I want to.” She stuck her tongue out at me.

“That didn’t make sense.”

“Your face doesn’t make sense.”

I bit Christina’s shoulder, and she smacked me on the head. I fell back into my seat and kicked the back of hers. She had distracted me. It always worked. She was my best friend, the best of the three, but her best friend was Britt. Akia was independent, she didn't need one of us to cling to, she stuck to us equally. I couldn’t have survived a single day of school without them, and here we were, winding down. Reaching the end. We were in the back half of our senior year, and that terrified me. The knowledge that one day, soon, we wouldn’t be in each other’s lives every day, filled me with a sense of sadness I couldn’t name. I pushed it away.

“You know those movies where friends make a pact to lose their V-card on prom night? Wouldn’t that be fun?” I’m baiting them. I laugh silently and bite my lip.

“Gross,” Britt scoffs from the front seat. “First of all, don’t say V-card. Second, only one of us has a damn prom date so far, and it’s hard enough picking someone you think will look cute standing next to you that your parents will immortalize forever. Can you imagine hoping the person who asks you will also be someone you’ll look back fondly on when you remember losing your virginity?”

“Do you think most people think much about it, though? Like, is some thirty-year-old woman sitting in yoga class randomly thinking about the night she lost her virginity? Maybe we are making too big a deal out of it," Akia said.

“I don’t think we are.” Christina stuck her hand out the window, moving it up and down like a bird in the night breeze. “I’m just not ready.”

I wasn’t ready either. There was only one person I could fathom giving myself to, and he had clearly declared his dislike for me romantically. I couldn’t even look at him now, I was further from him than I had ever been. “I’m not either,” I offered. “I could be. For the first person, it wouldn’t even have to be love. Because I clearly have no idea what that is.”

“None of us do. Maybe that’s why we’re here.” Britt motioned around the car.

“What’s love got to do with it?” Akia questioned, causing Britt and Christina to burst into song, doing their best Tina Turner impressions.

“This is why we are virgins.” I laughed. We continued on like that for another half hour, finally deciding to park in the Town and Country grocery store parking lot. Britt popped her trunk and pulled two lawn chairs out. Christina grabbed one quickly, so Akia and I were left with the asphalt. We made a move to sit on it, but Britt motioned with her hands for us to stop. She pulled a blanket from the trunk and threw it at me. I wondered what else she had in there. The answer was Fireball. We huddled around the trunk and took a shot. It was my first.

“Do you have another blanket? It’s getting chilly,” I said, walking away from the trunk, shaking my head. I started gathering Akia’s hair in my hands when she walked over to me. She loved when I put it in French braids. It was something my sister did for me when I was little. Britt started rifling through her trunk again, finding a soft pink blanket, then throwing it in our direction. It hit Akia in the face, making me laugh. “Ass.”

Cars and trucks pulled in and out of the Town and Country parking lot while we watched. It was at the end of the small cruise loop. We could see every one of our classmates who were in town from this vantage point.

“Do you think we will become maybe, perhaps, sort of popular now that one of us has a car and we can see what everyone is doing?” Christina mused.

“No.” Britt squashed her hope. “Senior year is almost over. This isn’t a time for miracles.”

“Bullshit,” Akia countered. “We’ve pulled off three miracles. And if luck stays on our side, prom will be ours, too. Maybe we won’t be losing our virginities but Christina you’re going to be prom queen. I know it.”

“I don’t know. I think I’m going to be the failure of the bunch.” She leaned back, her long hair fanning over Britt's trunk, right behind her seat.

“No,” I replied, firm. “You’re going to get it. I have a good feeling about this.”

“You always have a good feeling about things when it doesn’t involve you.”

“I’m positive in your abilities to conquer, just not my own.” I smiled. “Isn't that normal though? We can never have the same confidence in ourselves that we have in our friends and family.”

“Truth,” Akia confirmed.

“Okay. I’ll take your word for it. Let’s just focus on homecoming. Shit, speaking of…” Britt trailed off as a large black and gray truck pulled into the Town and Country parking lot. Instead of looping back out, Bryan’s truck drove past us, to the back of the parking lot. It was dark back there. The street light that generally illuminated the back entrance had been out for months.

I dropped Akia’s hair, and it unraveled in front of me. “What’s he doing back there?” I whispered, even though there was no way he could hear me.

All three of my friends shrugged their shoulders in unison. None of us spoke then, our ears open. We saw him park, our eyes shooting fleeting glances in his direction. His engine died, then his truck door squeaked open.

“He’s coming this way,” Britt hissed. The sound of Bryan’s truck door closing punctuated her sentence. Britt and Christina were facing his direction. I watched their faces, trying to read every move there. I heard his signature Nikes on the asphalt behind me. I couldn’t ignore it, couldn't pretend I didn't hear it. I twisted at the waist, turning to him, my eyes traveling up his legs, up his long torso, to his eyes.

One hand was in his pocket, the other hand was on his face, his thumb pinched his lip. His eyes were dark, and his forehead was wrinkled. He looked pained, nervous. “Hey.” His eyes were on mine, then flittering to my friends. “Hi, guys.”

My friends murmured hellos, and I pushed off the ground, found my way to my feet somehow. “Hi.”

“Can you come for a ride?” He jerked his head in the direction of his truck.

“Me?” I pointed to my chest, hearing Britt clear her throat behind me. God, what an idiot. Yes, me. “Yeah. I can.”

Bryan nodded then looked at my friends. “I can take her home when we’re done.” I started to walk away, then turned around, patting my jeans, making sure I had my house key. I mouthed WHAT THE FUCK to Christina, taking in the color of her face.

“When you’re done doing what, Winthrop?” Britt’s voice was strong, confident.

I heard Bryan stop behind me. “Talking. I just want to talk to her.”

“Don’t break her,” she replied and I eyed her hard.

“I wouldn’t think of it,” he replied, his hand on my elbow.