My friends abandoned me, confusing my muteness with acceptance of their retreat. They were traitors, but I had a hard time blaming them.

Aurora took a seat in front of me. I didn't meet her eyes, and she huffed out a breath.     

"Hey,” I offered, meekly. She was the alpha here. I rubbed the spot behind my ear, remembering the feeling of scissors there when my sister had to cut the chunk out Aurora had stuck gum in as a kid.

"Hey.”

We sat in the silence for an awkward amount of time.

"I think you know why I’m here," she said, crossing her arms over her ample chest.

"Yes. I think I know why.” I repeated her assumption. She was right. I knew. There had never been a time in the history of high school where Aurora had decided to have a sit-down conversation with me.

"I know you’re hanging out with him. And I can assume what’s happening, even though he says nothing. You two have never been friends and after the homecoming…situation…I can't figure out why he would want to spend time with you at all if it wasn't to do something more than what friends do when they spend time together.”

"I’m not sleeping with him.” There was a lump in my throat that wouldn't go away. 

"I didn’t say you were." She rolled her eyes and reached into her purse, grabbing a cigarette. I didn't know she smoked and it struck me as so basic. So boring and typical. "But I’m sure if he had his way, you would be.”

I didn’t correct her. It was in the way he looked at me. The way everything stopped, so breathless. He wanted more, and he frightened me, in all his experience. I was a doe in an open field. I was being hunted. I wanted to be captured.

"I’m sorry.” I said it, but I didn’t fully mean it. I could see in her stare, in her hunched shoulders, that this wasn’t easy.

"Are you?” She exhaled, blowing smoke into my face. I reached up and covered my mouth. There was no snap in her tone. It was an honest question that sat on the picnic table between us. I grabbed it.

"Mostly.” I placed my head in my hands, gripped my hair. I groaned and straightened. I looked her in the eyes when I spoke again. “I’ve liked him for two years. And when homecoming happened, I didn’t know what you guys were. I didn’t know he was going to kiss me. And when the guy you've been crazy about for years finally kisses you, you kiss him back, right? I’ve hated myself over this but I haven't stopped myself. I didn't expect him to want to hang out again after you two got together and there is no excuse for it, but I like him. I hate that I do and I hate that this whole thing is going on. I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

"I understand.”

I met her eyes again, and the feelings I saw reflected in them made me squirm. “You, understand?”

"I love him. How could I not understand why someone else would fall for him too?” She shrugged her shoulders and stuck her cigarette back in her mouth. I wondered if this was part of her game. To be so calm and collected. To say little, so I would spill everything I knew. It was working.

"I’m not in love with him.” I didn't know if I was telling the truth. What was love? I felt like I was too young to feel it. And everything in my life was temporary. I would be leaving this place. I didn't need to fall into anything more profound than this everlasting crush.

She ignored my declaration, snubbed her cigarette out in the ashtray to her right. “Please, please stop hanging out with him.”

It was in that moment that I first felt what I should have felt all along. Remorse, true regret. I wasn't riding a high of hanging out with Bryan. I was entirely in the moment. I looked up at Aurora, and her steely gaze was staring over the road, at the town cemetery.

I did this to her. I was a part of this. Was she asking him to stop hanging out with me? Or was that a request she doubted he would honor?

I lost a little bit of it then. My want for him. My crush dimmed, and I wondered if it would shine fully again. How could I be so wrapped in someone who would do this to another person? And more importantly, how could I be that person too?

I nodded, and it was all my coward self could do.

Aurora pressed her long slender fingers to her temple and I had to look away.

I glanced to the right and saw my friends staring at us through the glass of the restaurant. They quickly looked away when they locked eyes with me. Except for Britt. She stared at Aurora.

I turned forward again to the sound of Aurora getting up.

“Okay. Thanks for talking with me,” she said.

I sat there for a moment too long after she left. Replaying our words, wondering where my friends were now that they knew I was alone.

I jumped at Britt’s hand on my shoulder.

“You okay?” Her eyes were softened. Some of the judgment she felt, high in comparison to others, seemed to fade away before my eyes.

My own eyes were brimming. I realized then that I was shaking. I had been terrified of Aurora. Her vulnerability scared me even more. Perhaps I could have rallied against her anger, if she had shown it to me.

"I think so.” My reply was shaky.

My friends sat down around me, quiet. They were waiting for me to fill the space but I didn't know where to begin. Aurora had always been the enemy. She had everything we wanted and was never, ever kind to us. We had all grown up together. Played in the playground together. Watched each other through all of our awkward phases and skinned knees and growth spurts.

We were never to feel sorry for her. Never to let her get under our skin. It was a pact we made when we were little. She won all the crowns, and she got all the beautiful boys. In our school, and the surrounding ones. We would give her no pity, and she wouldn’t ask for it. She would ask for nothing from us, because we were beneath her. Until today. When she asked something of me.

"I didn't see anyone throw a punch or raise their voices. What the hell was that?” Akia asked.

"I don't know. She, she asked me to stop hanging out with Bryan.”

"She told you to?” Christina questioned.

"No, she asked me to stop hanging out with him. She asked it, like a favor. Like I had some sort of control over this. And, God, I don't feel like I do. I never have. It’s all been what he’s wanted. We met up when he wanted, and I hated myself.”

“What are you going to do?” Christina asked, grabbing my hand.

I felt for her. She was in love with a boy she couldn’t have either. She wanted Rodney to be her prom date, but she never asked him. And we were all glad she didn’t. We knew what his answer would have been. Sometimes I was pissed at her for still liking the boy who mouthed me that day in the auditorium. “I guess I am going to go talk to Bryan.”

“And you’re going to end it?” Britt was hopeful, but skeptical.

She knew I couldn’t resist him. He was my addiction and I needed him. I needed him until I left. But prom was fast approaching and I needed to focus my attention elsewhere. I needed to end this.

I didn’t reply. I just looked into Britt’s eyes.

And she knew.

No one tapped on my window. No one but the last person I wanted to see. The one I wanted to avoid, because I knew where it would lead.

I lay in bed for a while. Hoping he would leave.

I had no one to blame but myself, but I wanted to blame him. For everything. For the whole of this high school experience, though that was probably laying it on a little thick.

I huffed out a breath and threw the covers off me. My room was stifling, already.

Bryan’s face stared back at me, the moon lighting him up, when I raised the blinds. I knew what he was there for. I knew Aurora had to have told him about our talk. He was here to give me his decision. I was ready for him to say it, to actually say it. Or maybe he would just stare at me, hoping I could read his murky mind.

I opened the window slowly, hoping my father was sound asleep. “What?”

“Can you talk?” He looked nervous. As expected.

I imagined it would suck to break a girl’s heart even though you aren’t in love with her. All of my wanting made it hard on him. I almost felt sorry for him. The way he had to live his life for everyone else. I would crumble under expectations like that. I didn’t answer him. Instead I flapped my hands at him, motioning for him to get out of my way. I climbed into the night even though I had no bra on under my tank top and ugly striped pajama short bottoms on. My legs glowed in the night when I hit the soft ground outside my window. My eyes searched the road; thankfully it was empty.

I saw Bryan’s truck parked across the street, so I started for it. Still wordless. My ears burned red with my anger, and humiliation.

I could hear Bryan scurrying to keep up with me. My pace slowed when I hit the pavement. Bare feet were a bad idea, but I just wanted this over with. Done. When I made it to the passenger door I stood there, staring at the handle. I crossed my arms over my chest, suddenly embarrassed that I was out here, so vulnerable.

When I did not move, Bryan reached around me, opening the door for me.

I climbed up and sat down, staring out the windshield, letting him close the door behind me. I barely registered his presence when he got in with me, turning my way.

I could feel his breath on my cheek. Hot and begging me to devour it.

“What is this?” My voice sounded strange. Angry and swollen.

“I think you know.”

“She told you she talked to me. You’re taking Aurora to prom. You’re not breaking up with her.” My voice was lifeless. I had little fight in me.

“It’s not a good time to hurt her.”

“I will be gone soon.”

“After the summer?”

“The summer could fly by. What, you’re saying you’ll do it then? Stop making me laugh.”

“Don’t be that way. I hate when you’re cold.”

“Cold?” I reached for his hand, placed his palm against my neck. I was burning up. “I’m filled with so much anger. You have no idea. Do you ever light up with that? No. You’re always even. Slow to show anything. I’ll be whatever I want to be, Bryan. I am not yours. You’ve seen to that. I’ll be cold, I’ll be hot. I’ll burn this fucking truck to the ground.” His grip tightened on my throat a little and I felt myself stiffen in the seat. This was not what I wanted. This wasn’t what I wanted to feel.

Sometimes I thought about just giving it to him. My virginity. So I could leave here with some part of him. With some piece of him he couldn’t erase with his back and forth. With his constant wavering.

I have never been so sure of a desire. I wanted to claim him and when I felt that want, I thought of my blood. The addiction there. Would I look back and name him my first one?

He was exactly that.

And I needed to resist. Instead of grabbing his face, tasting him, I stared into his eyes. Daring him.

When he made no move, I spoke, pulling his hand from my neck. “My friends hate you.” It was mostly Britt, but I didn’t say that. “And I’m starting to think they’re onto something.”

“Oh, they do?” He tried to hold my hand, and I pulled it away.

“Who am I going to ask to go to prom with me? I am such a fucking idiot. I let you fill my head with this stupid fantasy, that you would take me. I am so stupid. A stupid little girl.” I was starting to get hysterical. I needed to pull it together.

“No.”

“Don’t try to be my mirror. Some puppet saying what I need. Who the fuck am I going to take to prom?”

“You’re really asking me for a recommendation?”

“Yes. It’s the least you could do.”

“Fuck.” He gripped the steering wheel.

I swear, if he tells me he doesn’t want to see me with someone else, I will light him on fire. There is no one he can offer me. None of his friends would ask me. None of his friends would let themselves stoop so low. He only stoops this low when the lights are out. When no one can see us. When the town sleeps and we can be hidden. In the shadows.

I’ve fallen into everything my father told me I should never settle for. Everything he never wanted for his little girl.

“Tick-tock,” I said, tight-lipped. I wanted a name. I wasn’t leaving until I got one.

The air felt stifling in the Jeep. I watched his profile. Watched his window fog, with his heavy in-and-out breath. Finally, he opened his mouth.

“Ben.”

“Your brother?” The little Winthrop. He was a year younger than me and Bryan, but the gap seemed to be bigger. Bryan had at least four inches on him. Twenty pounds. “Does he not have a date yet?”

Ben wasn’t as popular as his brother, but he still had the Winthrop name. He had his pedigree, better grades, and a wide brace faced smile. Sometimes I would study him. I wondered if he would end up just as beautiful as Bryan.

“No.” He was terse. Almost angry. Like I suggested the name.

“Think he would say yes if I asked him?” I sincerely didn’t know. I knew the younger brother knew of my relationship with Bryan. I knew he knew who I was. Beyond that, I was in the dark.

“Yes.” Again with the barely concealed anger.

“Okay.” I reached for the door, feeling his fingers grazing my arm as it left his Jeep, the last piece of me drifting away from him. I scurried across the pavement, faster the second time. I heard his door slam, his following. I had no intention of asking Ben Winthrop to prom. But I would let Bryan believe it.

“Sev!” It was a whisper yell. He didn’t want to wake my father, anyone else in the neighborhood.

I turned to him when I made it to the sidewalk in front of my house. I was thankful my father’s bedroom was in the back of the house. “What more is there to say? What more can you take from me?”

“Anything you’ll give me? It’s just not the right time for this. My mother, she is going through a hard time. And this thing with Aurora, as stupid as it sounds, is something she has wanted for me since we were kids. I feel like she puts too much into this, the relationships of her kids, but that doesn’t mean I can just forget her feelings.”

“Are you kidding me right now? You can’t live your life for your mom. You can’t live your life for your dad or your faith or your friends. You have to live your life for you. Forget everyone else. Do you think I care that my friends hate you? That my dad would be pissed if he knew we were hanging out?” I wonder if he would always be so filled with guilt. If he would always live his life for others.

“Your dad would be pissed you’re hanging with the preacher’s son?”

“My dad would be pissed I was hanging with someone who was ashamed to be seen with me in the light of day! He wants more for me than that, and you know what, I do, too.” I laughed, shaking my head at myself. “I used to sit at home on Saturday nights and write poetry in this little journal I keep in my nightstand and I would imagine kissing you. And losing my virginity to you. And it all seemed to be this crazy fantasy that I would never be able to live out. And now, now I have this piece of you. And I think the me from like, a year ago, she would have given anything for a piece of you, but that’s not enough. I want it all and I shouldn’t have to settle for pieces. I will never settle for pieces of you again. Mark my words here, now. I will never fall down this hole with you again.”

“Okay. I believe you.”

“Good.”

“I want to kiss you. I really want to kiss you.”

“What? As a parting gift? Save it. Tell me when and where is a good time and place to hit up your brother. That’s what I want.” I would go to prom alone before I set myself up for another possible rejection.

“I’m sorry, Severin. I’m sorry.”

“Give me a good time.”

“The whole family is leaving town this Saturday to go to Kansas City. Everyone except Ben. He will be home.”

“Okay.” I blew out a breath. “Stop looking at me in class. Stop brushing my arms in the hallway. Stop defending me when Rodney cracks jokes. Stop, just, stop being such a coward.”

“I’ll stop.”

“No, wait. Don’t do the last one. I’d never fall for a coward. And if you keep being everything I hate, maybe I’ll stop falling. I just gotta get out of this town alive.”

“I don’t want to, but I’ve been counting the days.”

“It’ll all be easier then. The choice will be clear. King and queen. Everything will be as it should be.” I go up on my tiptoes and wrap my arms around myself, covering my chest. Covering my vulnerability. My armor is wearing down.

“Yeah. Just the way everyone wants it.”

“My dad says life is just choices. Roads we take. You can be the passenger, you can let someone take the curves for you, and just hang on. Or you can take the wheel. Take control. I’m taking control. Don’t reach out to me anymore. This is done.”

“I still want to kiss you.”

“You’re not in control anymore. You never were.”

I walked away, up to my window. I didn’t feel his hands on my hips. He didn’t help me back up into my room, the ways he always did before. I felt his eyes on my skin, but never his fight. He never had any fight. I wish it hadn’t taken me so long to realize what a coward he was. Now, I wondered if I would ever forget it.