45
I'm on the phone with Anna talking about my job news when Tom walks in with a bottle of champagne and a euphoric grin. "Hey, Anna. Something’s up here and I've gotta go."
"I got the movie!" He raises the bottle in the air.
"The one you thought you bombed?" I set my phone on the counter.
"Go figure, right?"
"That's amazing!" I launch myself into his arms and he swings me and the bottle of bubbly in a circle. "I'm so proud of you! Tell me about it." I take the bottle from him as he slips off his coat.
"Well, there's more. I also landed a new musical."
"What!"
"Oh God, it's such a relief, you have no idea." He collapses on the couch. "I can take a break from auditioning. I do have to decide which one to take, but for the moment I just want to wallow in the fact that I know where my next paycheck is coming from, and I'll have some time off when I finish Crossing Lines."
I grab a couple of glasses from the kitchen and join him. "How long?" I ask, peeling the foil off the champagne and handing him the bottle to open.
"A couple weeks. Long enough to take you on a proper holiday, like maybe England to meet my family. That is if you don't mind visiting in the dreary winter." He removes the cork to a loud celebratory pop.
“Um, there’s a slight problem.” Why do things never go my way? I get good news one minute and then something sours it the next.
“Your passport, I know.” He pours bubbly into each glass and hands me one. “Let’s get working on that ASAP.”
“Actually, that’s not the problem.” I hold my glass and watch the bubbles roll up the side.
“Oh?”
“I have news too.” I nibble the side of my lip. “I got a job with Paige’s husband’s literary agency. I’m going to work in the foreign rights department.”
“Oh, Chelsea, congratulations!” He sets down his glass and pulls me into his arms. “Everything is coming together perfectly. When do you start?”
“Soon. They want me to train with someone who will be taking maternity leave.” I’m so excited to be starting a job at something I think I’ll really enjoy.
“Well, we’ll figure it out. I’ve only got another couple days left of Crossing Lines. We’ll eke out some time between you starting your job and me leaving for mine. Whichever one I decide on.”
I tense up. "You're leaving?"
"Of course. I thought you knew that."
"I assumed you'd be here in New York. Where would you go?"
"I'm still waiting on the details from Sean, but I think the movie shoots in Vancouver, and the musical is happening in Atlanta."
I shake my head. Vancouver? Atlanta? We live in New York. "I don't understand. Why isn't the musical being done here in the city?"
"Hopefully it will be, but first it will be out of town. We'll develop the show for four weeks and then do previews, open, and play for another month or so."
"So, I'll be here alone?" I look around the apartment as if it's suddenly a bad place.
"You can come with me. I don't know how long either job is yet, I'd guess at least two months or more. I'll know more by tonight, or certainly tomorrow. I've got to decide in the next day or so."
“But I’ll have my own job here.”
“True. It’s almost too bad you got it right now.”
“But I did get it.”
Tom's left for work. He only has two performances remaining and then he'll be off for a few weeks. I can't imagine anyone playing the lead in Crossing Lines other than him. His news of the movie and new musical are great, but it has me on edge. I seem to struggle with change whether it's good or bad. I just can't seem to go with the flow.
Then he texts that the movie is indeed in Vancouver and will shoot for two months unless filming goes over. The new Broadway show is about the same amount of time and he's excited because there's a chance he might be able to do both. This means that he'll be gone twice as long. We'll be apart for months at a time. He'll be surrounded by new people, and I might not seem that interesting any more.
I'm starting to panic, so I call Anna.
"But Chelsea, that's all great news."
"If it's so great, why do I feel like there's an elephant sitting on my chest and I can’t breathe? It's good for Tom, but it isn't good for me. He's going to leave me again."
"Calm down Drama Queen. He isn't breaking up with you, he's taking a job. And it sounds like some really good ones."
I pace the apartment going out of my mind. She's right. Theoretically, I know that, but that doesn't alleviate the taste of panic. The idea of him packing his suitcase and walking out that front door time and time again, well, it rings too much like the story of my life.
"Here's the thing. I know I should be strong and grown up and deal with all this. But you know what it makes me think of? My Mom going to the hospital to die, Gramps going to hospice to die, my dad abandoning me."
"This is nothing like that."
"Isn't it? Everyone I know leaves. Everyone." The last person to leave was my college boyfriend. It's been nearly a year, so I guess I'm due again. It's a pattern that continues to repeat itself, and I realize that sometimes I bring this on myself."
"I'm still here," she says, which is true and I love her for it, but this is different.
"I had shitty role models. I don't have the skills to be in a relationship long term."
"Don't say that."
"And Tom is starting this whole new chapter of his life. A movie! Can you imagine? He's the second lead. That's big time. He'll be too busy for me. He'll outgrow me."
"Chelsea, stop! You're acting totally irrational."
"Am I? I'm not so sure." I shouldn't have fallen for an actor. He's charming and handsome. Who wouldn't love him? And he's British. Every woman he meets falls under his spell.
"Let him know you're nervous about this. Give him a chance."
"He'll just say what he already has, that we'll work it out."
"And you will," Anna insists.
"Until we don't." I imagine us struggling to make things work, the tears, me trying, but my inability to cope and ruining everything.
"And if it doesn't work, then he was never the right guy to begin with."
I stare out the window at the street below. A woman hops into a cab and races away. "Or maybe put myself out of my misery now. Why go through all this, just to end up alone in the end?"
"Seriously, Chelsea. You need to get a grip. I wish I could keep talking this through, but I've got a work dinner I have to get to."
I force myself away from the window. "I'm sorry. I've taken up too much of your time."
"You know I don't mind. But promise me you won't freak out and run off on him. He deserves better."
And why am I tempted to do just that? What's wrong with me? I never used to act like this. I think it's because I haven't loved someone as fiercely as I love Tom in very long time. He's become everything to me, and the reality that we're moving into a new part of our relationship, and he'll be living on the other side of the continent with new people, terrifies me.
"I won't," I finally say, partly because I promised Tom that I'd never bolt again. I'd talk to him first.
I spend the evening thinking through every scenario of how things could go down for Tom and I. What if his movie is a hit and he gets more movies and has to be gone all the time? How many more Broadway shows will be out of town for months at a time? Even if we get through this time, can we make it through the next? And how am I supposed to hold myself together each time that door closes behind him? A hurricane of emotion battles my heart. I can't figure out how to do this without becoming a psychotic mess.
When he arrives home, I'm in bed because I'm afraid to face him in the light. "How was the show?" I ask as though it's any other night.
"Good. You know, now that I'm down to the last couple, I savor each one. I can't believe I'm actually leaving. This one is gonna hurt."
"I know." I answer, cupping his sweet face. I want him to know how bad I feel, but I don't know how to put it into words.
We make love, gently at first. I watch how his body moves with each breath he takes. Our eyes meet. His lids are heavy and his pupils dark with desire. He presses his hips to mine in a circular motion that nearly ruins me. And then our lovemaking turns urgent and desperate. I cling to him, my fingers digging into his back. Our passion is both heaven and hell as my mind wreaks havoc on our future.
I can't be the girl he deserves. I'm broken and damaged and unable to hang on to love. After we cry out our release, I roll away to hide my tears.
Tom is right there caressing my hair. "What's wrong?"
"I guess I'm really emotional today. Lots of changes. I'll be fine." I try to keep the pain out of my voice. Our time together has gone so fast, and like a dream, it could never last.
"I love you." He kisses my temple. "There's a lot going on right now, but it's all good." He settles his arms around me and falls asleep as tears silently dampen my pillow.