Chapter Sixteen
“Is Jason Hall available?” Lindsey bit her bottom lip as she stood at the front desk of Veterans’ Services. The secretary raised her brow over her bright green eye glasses.
“I’d be happy to check for you. Who should I tell him is visiting?”
“Lindsey Hunter.” This was a stupid idea. She was just dragging one more person into their personal problems but she was hanging onto a tether of sanity. For the past twenty-four hours since he’d left, she’d paced and analyzed, chewed her nails so short they stung, and crawled through the motions of motherhood—which only added more to the guilt stew rolling to a boil inside her. Thank God her parents agreed to watch Maris for a few hours while she sorted things out.
“Mr. Hall would be happy to see you. He’s just finishing up with a client,” the woman said.
Lindsey walked into the waiting room and caught a glimpse of her reflection in the long mirror hanging on the wall. No wonder the secretary gave her a once-over. She looked like she’d just crawled off the set of The Walking Dead—like literally up from the dirt as a zombie. Her face was ashen, and she had rabid raccoon eyes—red with dark rings below, from day-old mascara and too many tears. It didn’t matter, she needed to find some connection to Damien, someone who might know where he’d gone. She’d pulled in the lot expecting to see his bike there. Did he quit his job? Had he acted that fast in an effort to put miles between them? Lindsey couldn’t spend day after painstaking day wondering if it was truly over. Her stomach turned and her heart leaped up to her throat.
A child’s laughter filled the waiting room and Lindsey looked up to see Jay escorting a family out. A little sandy-haired girl clutching a red balloon dog tipped her chin up at Jay. “Thank you, Mister Jason, for the puppy.” Her eyes sparkled in admiration.
“Next time we’ll make a balloon monkey. I’ve been practicing.” Jay winked at her and turned to the parents. “Thanks for coming in. Let me know if you have any hitches with the new program.”
“You’ve been a real help, Jason.” The man and woman with the little girl shook Jay’s hand and walked out of the office building.
Once they’d left, Jay strode toward Lindsey. “Hey, is everything okay?” he asked. Genuine concern coursed through his voice. “You look—”
“Like a zombie. I’m very much aware.” She gestured to the mirror behind them and Jay chuckled.
“I was thinking Frodo after he crossed middle-earth, weighed down by an evil ring.” He offered her a sympathetic grin.
“Gee, thanks,” she said with no real emotion behind it. How could she care how she looked when she’d hurt Damien so badly? She didn’t deserve him, but Maris did.
He held out his hand to her, and she took it. “What I meant is you look like you’ve been through hell. Why don’t you come back and we can talk in private?”
She nodded and he led her down the hall to his office. “Take a seat, I’ll be right back.”
He disappeared and she was left alone in a modest office. One simple cedar desk was flanked by two deeply cushioned chairs. In the corner, he had a child-sized table with coloring books, crayons, and stickers. Someone had recently been at them, because Ana, Elsa, and Olaf were plastered to the carpet and wall. Jay didn’t seem like the type to be rattled by a few stickers, though. He popped back through the doorway carrying a tray of tea and cookies.
“I have sisters. I know how this works,” he said passing her a cup of steaming water. Lindsey chose a tea bag, unwrapped it, and let it seep in.
“If they don’t appreciate you, I’m an only child looking to adopt a brother.” Lindsey bent her face closer to the mug, letting the bergamot scented steam comfort her.
Jay laughed. “I’ll let them know I’m being pursued, and maybe one of them will make me dinner tonight. So, did something happen with you and Damien?” He chose the seat next to her, instead of behind the desk.
“I made a mess of everything.” Lindsey held her mug with both hands and glanced into the water.
“We all do from time to time.” He leaned toward her, ready to listen.
“We had a fight and he left. I came here expecting to find him, but his bike wasn’t in the lot. Did he quit Veterans’ Services?”
“No, but he did request a personal day.” Some of the thickness in her throat dissipated. Maybe there was hope after all. Lindsey had so many feelings for Damien that were left unsaid, and they were drilling a hole through her heart. He’d said he loved her. But did he mean the words to drive the hurt deeper? She had to find out, because she loved him too. After a childhood of hearing neither of those things, it would be important for him to know. As much as she dreaded the thought, she had an obligation to tell him about his mother’s death, too.
“Rarely are things so broken they can’t be fixed,” Jay said quietly.
She wasn’t sure if it was his calming nature, or listening ear, but words started spilling out of Lindsey’s mouth like a tipped glass of milk. “Do you remember Alex? The woman that joined us for dinner?” Jay nodded and she noticed a spark lit in his eyes. “She runs a very successful PI firm and I had her track down Damien’s sister, who he didn’t realize he even had until I found a letter while we were cleaning out items from his father’s house.”
“Hmm. And Damien didn’t want to find her, right?” Lindsey’s head jerked up.
“I hadn’t realized he told you.” How much did Jay know about Damien and his past?
“He didn’t tell me what happened between the two of you, but I can understand why meeting his sister would shake him. Between his background check and the bits and pieces he’s told me, I know he’s experienced trauma. In his childhood, and then in the Marines. It’s harder for victims to face their past. Meeting his sister might be like reliving whatever he’d experienced again.”
Oh, God, how could she fix this? Lindsey swallowed. Her throat was bone dry despite the tea. Would she ever be able to erase the pained look on his face from her mind–complete betrayal and irrevocable anger? She needed to see him to tell him all those things that tangled her up in knots—that she loved him and could picture being with him year after year. She wanted more little feet stomping around the house, too, maybe not right now but definitely in the future. What she did was dead-wrong and even if he wouldn’t take her back she needed to apologize and tell him what he meant to her.
“I need to try to make this right, or at least apologize for hurting him. Can you tell me where he is?” She held her breath, hoping and praying that he knew. She hung on to the warm mug of tea, trying to fight the cold that swept through her fingers.
“He didn’t say, but I thought I saw his bike in front of the inn downtown.” Could he be that close? Hope skyrocketed to the tiled ceiling.
“Thank you so much.” She stood up and set the cup down on the tray.
“Good luck. I’ll be rooting for you guys.” Jay stood up with her, picked up her purse, and handed it to her.
She hesitated, then rose up on her tippy toes to kiss his scarred cheek.
Jay squeezed her shoulder. “You make him happy. You and Maris.” She hadn’t done a very good job of it lately. Her eyes burned. If only she just left things alone.
Lindsey rushed out before the tears started to fall. She took the elevator to the first floor, got in her car, and drove toward the direction of the Seahorse Inn. She had been so wrong to try to push him together with his sister, thinking his sibling might help to heal his past. Damien had hit the nail on the head during their fight. As far as family goes, I thought that’s what we were. His words stripped the thoughts out of her head, and made her forget why she’d contacted Alex in the first place.
Damien didn’t understand how a family worked. Had he been so afraid of being left, that he did the leaving first? Just like his mother had to him? Lindsey had to show him when a solid family screwed up, they fought to stay together. They compromised, made sacrifices, and talked it out. They didn’t high tail it in the opposite direction. Damien was family to her. Family to Maris. He was the closest thing her child had to a father and she was prepared to fight for him and the relationship they both deserved.
If one of them had to steer the ship, she’d take the helm. Lindsey was done letting others control her destiny. She wanted Damien in her life, and she wouldn’t let him walk out for the second time so easily. He’d hear her out long enough for her to make her point crystal clear. Damien could brood for days, even months, over the decision she’d made. But if there was an ounce of love in him for her and Maris, she’d do everything in her power to get him home to them.
Sure, she was mad at his reaction to the news but she’d half expected it, and braced herself for it. Part of her worried the taking off would become a pattern, that he’d end up leaving her like his mother had left him. The other part of her had enough faith in the man he’d become, to know he’d do right by them. It was a level of trust he didn’t understand—or didn’t think the people in his life were capable of. He was betrayed by her actions, but if she hadn’t believed in him, she wouldn’t have made such a big step on his behalf. Damien was strong enough to shoulder a meeting with his sister. He’d come out better for it.
She pulled into one of the vacant spots lining the street, and glanced up and down the road. Her heart dipped. Damien’s bike was nowhere to be seen. Still, she got out of the car and entered the lobby where Damien had tried to find a room on the very first night they reconnected. She supposed she owed the Seahorse Inn for rekindling their relationship. If he’d been able to stay here, Damien might have gone along his business of arranging the funeral and cleaning out the house on his own. They never would’ve been able to build a relationship like they had.
“Excuse me, miss,” Lindsey asked the young girl at the front desk. “May I send a call up to Damien Trent’s room, please?”
The girl trailed a nectarine-colored nail down a large book sitting in front of her, and glanced up, eyes full of apology. “I’m sorry, Mr. Trent checked out just a few hours ago.”
Lindsey’s shoulders drooped. She was too late. He’d put distance between them and his message was clear. Much like he hadn’t wanted her to find his sister, he didn’t want to be found, either. After thinking about what she was going to say to him, rehearsing it to herself in the mirror, she was utterly deflated, like building a glorious sand castle only to have it washed away by the tide. What would Damien do now? Go back to the Marines, put as many zip codes between them as possible? If he continued to work at Veterans’ Services, she’d have to tiptoe around the downtown area. It would be crushing to constantly run into him. Would Damien ever meet his sister, or did she dissolve their relationship over a few photos and records that would never be seen?
“Ma’am,” the girl waived her hand in front of Lindsey’s face. “Is there something else I can help you with?”
Heat rose to Lindsey’s cheeks. She wasn’t sure how long she’d been standing at the front desk with the girl’s words falling on deaf ears.
“No, thank you, though,” she said and walked back to her car. Once she was inside the enclosed space, she let the first hot tear slide down her cheek. It blazed the trail for hundreds of others that seemed to burst freely from the flood gates. Lindsey slumped down and rested her head on the steering wheel; her earlier bravado sapped.
Maybe they’d both misplaced their trust. She suddenly doubted everything, including the feelings she thought Damien had for her. How could he throw everything away so easily? What was worse, he’d walked away from Maris, too. He was the second man to leave Maris in her short life, and it hurt worse than being left herself. Would Maris ever know a father figure? How could he let go of the child he’d helped raise since she was first born? When he had spoken to Maris, there had been love and tenderness in his voice. Had she imagined it out of her own blissful thinking? Lindsey supposed this was a blessing in disguise. It would’ve been so much worse if Maris was old enough to comprehend the situation.
Providing a stable, loving home for Maris meant far more than catering to her own feelings. From now on, it would be just the two of them. Whatever remaining belief she had in happily ever after, had been zapped right out of her. Would she ever have what her parents had? They were entering thirty-three years of marriage and she’d blown through one marriage and serious relationship in three years. Was there something wrong with her that made men leave or stray, some personality flaw? With Matthew, she’d been too weak and let him manipulate every situation. With Damien, maybe she’d been too hardheaded, and took control of contacting Alex when it was Damien’s decision to do so.
Maybe it was possible for others to find ever-after, but not for her. She had more than enough love between her sweet child and her parents. The lie was meant to comfort, but a fresh wave of tears shook her. There would always be something missing without Damien. Every time she looked at the nursey he’d designed for Maris, or strolled by the auto shop on Main Street she’d remember, and be faced with what-ifs. Lindsey pulled herself together, started the ignition, and tried desperately to leave thoughts of Damien behind.