Chapter Fifteen
Maris wailed and Damien crossed his arms tightly against his chest. The prick was holding her all wrong. He wanted to bat the city slicker’s hands away from the baby, and boot him out on his ass. Hard enough that those salmon-colored shorts filled with sand, and maybe a pinching crab or two. Matthew had walked into the cottage with a chip on his shoulder, examining the house with an upturned nose. It took all Damien’s military restraint to hold back when Matthew kept making belittling snipes.
Matthew cleared his throat. “This might be a nice weekend getaway for two, if you like a more…rustic style, but it’s hardly a conducive place to raise my child.” Was this guy serious? What a pompous ass. Damien was about to jump in, but Lindsey got there first. Her nostrils flared, and a red flush spread over her cheeks.
Lindsey’s eyes narrowed. “In what way?”
Matthew shifted his body toward Lindsey, blocking Damien out of the conversation.
“Well, do you remember how our perfectly manicured Colonial had two stories with the master suite on the first floor, and the bedrooms on the second? You could get a decent night’s sleep if the baby was upstairs and you couldn’t hear all its screeching. Then you wouldn’t have those dark circles under your eyes.”
Damien’s throat was dry. It choked him like a tie that was far too tight, and added to his irritation. “What you’re talking about is neglect,” he said in a low voice. How many times had he cried himself to sleep as a kid, wishing his father would come up and hug him instead of hitting him? To tell him everything would be okay without his mother.
“If Maris cries, it’s because she needs something. She might be hungry or uncomfortable. Like she is now, because you’re holding her like she’s a ticking time bomb that’s going to ruin your shirt.” Damien got up from the loveseat and took Maris out of his hands.
Her crying instantly stopped. His baby was a good judge of character. Except she wasn’t really his baby, even though he wished she was. She was so tiny and vulnerable, it made him want to protect her in a way that he wasn’t as a child. He loved her thick mop of hair that was softer than the feathers from a down comforter. Maris had started smiling, too, and man, did those little grins melt his heart.
Maris and Lindsey made him want to stay in the one place he’d always wanted to run from. He didn’t like being obligated to care for others, because the people who should have raised him did a piss-poor job of it. He didn’t want to follow in his parents’ footsteps, so he hadn’t wanted a family of his own, but they made him want things he’d never wanted—ever. The vagabond lifestyle he imagined suddenly seemed very empty, and a quiet life shared with two special people seemed like heaven. In his arms, the baby snuggled closer to his shirt and her eyelids dipped. It was right around nap time.
“She’s getting sleepy,” Lindsey said. “I’m going to put her down for a nap, then you can tell us why you came here in the first place, Matthew.” Lindsey moved toward Damien and gently gathered Maris in her arms. She was a good mother. The kind every child deserved.
With Lindsey out of the room, they both sat in stony silence. There was no question why Matthew was here. Things had gotten stale with the secretary and he was here to take Lindsey back. Meeting Matthew gave him a glimpse of the life she might’ve had before she moved back to the Cape. The guy was all pomp. He’d looked up the address they’d once shared, gritted his teeth at the million-dollar Colonial, and shoved down the cover to his laptop. Sure, he was financially sound, comfortable even, but did she miss the elaborate house, the fancy restaurants, expensive beauty treatments? Would she tire of the quiet lifestyle she’d chosen? Was the one she led before enough of a lure to send her packing with Matthew? His insides churned.
The dog had jumped on the couch, and Matthew roughly nudged her off. Heat rose up Damien’s face and neck. He didn’t trust someone who didn’t like dogs. Not that he’d entertain the idea of liking him, even if he hadn’t eyed Daisy like she was a petri dish swarming with disease. He hated everything this man stood for. He’d taken Lindsey for granted, cut her down emotionally, made her feel small, and left her high and dry when she was the most defenseless. Yet, he was her ex-husband, they’d shared a history, and his mere presence was a threat to Damien. What would he do if she wanted to go with him? Would she expect him to fight for her or stand there defeated?
Damien was glaring at Matthew when Lindsey came back into the room.
“I’d like to wait until we’re finally alone, Lindsey, to say what I need to say.” Matthew’s voice held a hint of a sneer. As if to imply Damien was a lower life-form.
He wanted to say there was no way he was leaving, but this was still her ex-husband and the father of Maris—no matter how miserably he’d failed at both relationships. Damien paused and glanced at Lindsey. The cottage was quiet and the air thick with tension. Lindsey looked down at her hands, and he got a sour taste in his mouth.
Then she lifted her chin and looked Matthew square in the eyes. “Damien lives here. He can decide whether he’d like to come or go.”
Pride spread inside his chest. She’d taken the first step to standing up to the man who’d put her down for years. Part of him knew Lindsey had to do this on her own. He wanted to remain beside her on the loveseat, but he also wanted her to know that he believed in her. If he went outside and gave them time to talk, it would be like admitting he not only had confidence in Lindsey, but that he trusted her and the fortitude of their relationship. He needed conviction in what they had as much as she needed to trust herself. Damien squeezed her shoulder. “You’ve got this,” he whispered as he leaned in and kissed her cheek.
Across from them, Matthew flinched away from the dog who’d settled at his feet. Damien snickered lightly and slid off the couch. “I’m going to take this germ beast for a walk. I’ll be just outside.”
In the kitchen, he found Daisy’s leash and clipped it to her collar. Her nails clicked against the wood floors as she pranced in a circle at his feet.
“We’re not going far, girl,” he muttered to the dog, who was already pawing at the door.
He opened the slider, and closed only the screen, just in case Lindsey needed to holler for backup. Damien tried to concentrate on pitching the yellow tennis ball to Daisy, the fresh air misting his skin, and the toss and turn of the sea—anything to ease the silly thoughts racing through his head. What if Lindsey decided being with Matthew was the best thing for her and Maris? Sure, Matthew was a son of a bitch, but had Damien really treated Lindsey that much better in the past few weeks? He bent down to pick up the ball, and squeezed it hard inside his palm. They’d squabbled and fought over stupid things. Well, maybe not so stupid. He’d messed up taking the painting and again when he stormed out over the letter. Damien cursed himself. He should have done better for her.
A soft breeze caressed his cheek, cleansing away the self-doubt that welled up inside him. A few sailboats dotted the horizon under a bright sun. Waves rolled up the sand and took away the seaweed and debris that cluttered the shore. The Cape was no longer a place of fear and hopelessness for him. It was never the location that had hurt him; his parents had. Lindsey wasn’t like his mother. She was brave and kind beyond measure, and would never leave what they had for a few monetary comforts, because this place had healed her too, and Matthew no longer had a hold over her. Some of the heaviness that settled over him dissipated like morning fog burning off on a hot day.
Damien walked closer to the water, and Daisy dropped her ball and followed at his heels. He sat down in the sand, and with the solid beach beneath him, he whispered, “I forgive you.” The words that left his lips were whisked away in the wind and replaced by empowerment. By forgiving his parents, not just saying it but really feeling it, he was no longer their victim. Daisy climbed into his lap and licked his chin. He smiled and laughed, feeling full of hope and possibility.
He glanced over his shoulder at the sound of the slider opening and saw Lindsey and Matthew coming onto the deck. Her posture was straight and full of confidence while Matthew’s was wilted. Damien turned back toward the sea and stroked the dog’s glossy coat. She needed to have her own moment of power, just as he had had. Maybe on the same day, they could both stop being victims. They could both be freed.
“Matthew, nothing you can say can change my mind. If you’re truly interested in playing a role in Maris’s life, I would never try to stop you, but moving back to the city with you is not an option. It never will be.”
“You’d give up the beautiful home I gave you, the clothes, the trips, to stay in this cardboard box with that Neanderthal? Men like that don’t stick, Lindsey. He’s playing you because you’re naive and available. He’s just letting you warm his bed until the next best thing walks by.”
“You’re describing yourself, Matthew. I choose Damien. You may be Maris’s biological father, but he’s the father that’s nurtured her since birth. I feel sorry for you, Matthew, because for you everything is about having control and wealth. You’re a hollow shell who never sees the value in people, or the beauty around you.” Her voice was so victorious, Damien’s grin stretched ear-to-ear. “I don’t hate you anymore, Matthew. Every time you put me down or made me feel like I wasn’t good enough was because of your flaws, not mine. I’ve said what I needed to, now I’m going to spend this lovely day on the beach with Damien and Maris.”
“Yes,” he quietly cheered from his spot in the sand. Lindsey had triumphed and he couldn’t have been prouder of her. Footsteps sounded on the deck and crunched across the shell drive. When the BMW’s engine purred to life, Damien stood up and strode to the deck. Lindsey met him with a big hug at the top of the stairs.
“You did it, and you were amazing,” he said as he kissed her forehead.
Lindsey smiled brightly and for a moment they just basked in each other’s eyes.
“Can we sit out for a minute? I just want to enjoy you and this feeling for a moment.” Lindsey viewed the baby monitor before sitting down at the picnic table they’d put outside. “A day we were both dreading turned out to be pretty good, huh?”
“You have no idea,” he said and ran his hand over her cheek. “Lindsey, I haven’t been upfront with you in our relationship, and I didn’t realize it until you were in there with your ex, that I need to do a better job of showing you, of telling you.” He was already fighting to find the words. Communication had never been his strength. But for her, he tried.
“How so?” Lindsey asked, her eyes never leaving his.
Damien laced his free hand with hers, so they were completely connected. He liked the warmth and strength he found in her solid grip. It steadied him. His brows furrowed in concentration. He had to get it right.
“I’m not just here to pass the time. You know that, right?” When Lindsey nodded, he continued. “There’s something about spending my days with you and Maris that makes me feel whole. You’re both so important to me…” He rubbed his thumbs over her knuckles. Sweat beaded on his forehead. “I’ve never had as much faith in one person, as I have in you. I trust you Lindsey, like I’ve never trusted anyone before.” Her expression sank and she glanced down at the table. Had he said something wrong? He didn’t have a chance to ask before she was getting up.
“Wait here,” Lindsey disappeared inside. When she returned, she was carrying a file and gripped it in both hands like it might fall and shatter. Lindsey sat at the table and faced him with unsteady eyes.
“I didn’t want you to finish what you were saying, about trust, without knowing. I’m afraid I’ve made an awful mistake.” She let out a breath and scooted the file toward him. “I found her, Damien.”
His insides turned to ice. Everything that had been on the cusp of his lips vanished into thin air. “You mean my sister, don’t you?” His voice was unsteady. He loved her, and she had betrayed his trust, just like everyone else he’d ever cared for. Damien was rooted to the picnic bench, frozen. It was more than the betrayal. Every blood relative he’d known had left him with invisible scars that never truly healed. He was afraid of more disappointment, more pain, after he’d just found his strength sitting on the beach. Now, Lindsey had resurfaced the trauma he’d just laid to rest.
When he spoke, his voice was so low, he could barely hear himself. A wave of sickness coiled in his gut. “I told you I didn’t want to find her.”
“I know, and I’m so sorry for being dishonest, for not letting you make the decision on your own. But if you’ll just open the file and look, you’ll see she’s so much like you—strong and determined. She looks like you, too.”
Her voice turned to static in his ears, like he was standing under the engine of a roaring fighter jet. Damien was in shock at what she’d done, and her actions tore at him. Didn’t she understand what this meant? He’d already taken a huge leap of faith in himself to build a relationship with Lindsey despite his past. He didn’t want all this responsibility and he didn’t want someone else he could end up hurting like his parents had hurt him. What if his sister was a living, breathing version of his father or mother? It would suck him back into the vortex of hell he endured the first eighteen years of his life.
“I trusted you.” He laughed bitterly. “How was I so wrong about you?”
“I never would have done it to hurt you. I just wanted you to be happy, to have a family of your own. Just like how you wanted me to be successful with my artwork. I was upset when you took the painting without telling me, but in the end, it’s brought so many wonderful things.” She tried to grasp his hand and he pulled away.
She had earned his trust by treading gently when they went through papers from his father’s house. Now the trust they had was built on a lie, too. Lindsey had only pretended to respect his privacy. His pulse was speeding like a race car. He believed her when she said she wouldn’t pursue finding his sister. What the hell had happened?
“Lindsey, I get that you did what you thought would be good for me,” he said, fighting for control. “That you were trying to give me a family, but I had already found that in you and Maris. I was just about to bare my soul to you.” He shook his head and looked her in the eyes. “I love you. I love Maris. How could you lie to me after all we’ve done to find truth and peace, together?”
They were silent for a moment and the space between them snapped with bitter disappointments.
“I had wanted to build a life with you.” His voice cracked as their relationship unraveled like yarn.
“And we still can. Before you say anything else, there’s something I need to tell you. It’s about your mother.” When she reached across the table and tried to take his hand, he flinched away.
“Forget her. You made me believe there was good in people again.” He stood up from the picnic table, putting more distance between them. “With you, it was like I could finally stop running and just be.” He crossed his arms over his chest and looked out at the shore.
“Damien, please just listen—”
“You were my chance at more than just happiness.” His throat was so tight, he could hardly croak out the words. “You were the family I was supposed to be able to trust and count on. Christ, Lindsey, I wanted to marry you. Have brothers and sisters for Maris.” He watched her draw in a sharp breath and place her hand over her mouth. The whole life he’d built up in his mind was pouring out at his feet, like a sack of grain that had been sliced open with a sickle. Lindsey started to rise from the table, tears in her eyes. Her sadness broke him just as much as her deception.
“If I can’t trust you, we could never start a life together. You of all people should know what that means to me. I never had trust with my parents, and look where that got me—abandoned by one and beaten senseless by the other.” All this time he’d been worried he would hurt Lindsey, but the second he turned, she put a knife in his back.
“I’m not your parents. You know I’m nothing like them. You’re just trying to throw me into the same category, so you can run. My mistake makes it easier for you to leave me and Maris, because all along you’ve been afraid of committing, haven’t you?”
Her words seared into him, like a hot iron rod jammed down his throat. “Afraid of committing? I’ve been all in every step of the way. I might not be Maris’s biological father, but goddammit, I’m her father in all the ways that count.” What happened now? Would he still get to see her or would he miss out on all the special milestones that were to come? “You didn’t just damage our relationship, but the one I’d wanted to build with Maris.” He shook his head, letting the full weight of her actions fall on his shoulders. “I thought things would be different with you.” He rounded the picnic table and walked straight past her.
Damien gripped the file tightly and went inside. He couldn’t leave without seeing Maris one last time. How could he walk away from the child he’d loved from the second he laid eyes on her? How could he stay when sadness and distress coursed through his veins like poison? He glanced in at Maris, who was just starting to stir. Damien walked into the room and ran his fingers over her silky, soft hair. When he whispered goodbye, his heart constricted in his chest. He had to get away from here. The pain was burning holes through him, like Icarus when he’d flown too close to the sun. Damien stuffed some of his belongings inside his backpack, and took his keys of the dresser. Lindsey was standing in the kitchen, hugging her elbows.
“Damien,” she said. There was a hint of wild desperation in her voice. He hated the instant urge to soothe her when her chin wobbled.
“There’s nothing more to say,” he said, and to prove to himself he could, Damien walked out the front door without looking behind him. He jammed the file in his backpack, cursing when the zipper got caught on the cardstock. Footsteps pounded the ground behind him and hands gripped his arm. He turned, and Lindsey was inches from his face. Her eyes glistened with anger and her hair whipped wildly in the wind.
“Don’t walk away like this. Please, I’m so sorry.” She looked at him through glassy eyes.
“I lost you once when we were kids. I can’t let it happen again.”
“You should have thought of that before you decided I was too stupid to make my own decisions. If you cared about me, you would’ve talked to me first. I can’t believe I’ve fallen so hard when I don’t even know you.” Lindsey sucked in a breath. She looked as if he’d slapped her.
He got on his bike and tore out of the driveway. The entire ride into town, he was keenly aware of the file that was folded inside his backpack. Lindsey had left him with a hard choice. He could discard the file and always wonder what it contained, or he could open it, and risk having more of his heart torn out.
Damien had made a fool of himself by telling Lindsey he loved her. She clearly didn’t think as much of him, or she never would have made such a powerful move against his will. Was he some kind of charity case to her? Poor Damien from the wrong side of the tracks, who can’t figure his life out on his own. She hadn’t treated him as an equal when she’d made the decision to find his sister, but someone who thought they knew what was best for his well-being. It made his heart ache, that she thought less of him, just like Matthew thought less of her. Lindsey of all people should’ve valued the importance of being a team, and of playing on a level field. Damien pulled his bike into an empty spot in front of the Seahorse Inn. He pressed the heel of his hand against his sternum, trying to ease the pain there.
Damien had grossly misjudged Lindsey, and now he’d have to pay for it with the crushing disappointment that pounded in his chest and a belly tangled full of sickening knots. He grabbed one of the double door handles that was carved into the shape of a seahorse. A blast of conditioned air hit him in the face. He was so numb, it barely registered.
“Welcome to the Seahorse Inn. It’s a beautiful day in Chatham, isn’t it?” Great. Marcia-Fucking-Brady wanted to chat. He needed isolation like a fish needed water.
“I need a room, please,” he said and pushed his anger down. It wasn’t the employee’s fault he had the floor ripped from under his feet.
“Certainly, sir. It’s your lucky day. We have one room left,” she chirped. “How long will you be staying?”
“Just tonight.” He’d already pulled out his credit card and slid it across the desk. She took the hint and quietly swiped it, keyed two plastic room cards, and folded them into an envelope.
“We have a lovely hot breakfast every morning beginning at seven.”
“Great, thanks,” he said and was halfway down the hallway before she could get another word out.
He slid his key card into the door, a green light flashed, and the door handle gave way. It was ironic there was vacancy, now that his relationship with Lindsey had torn apart in a Bermuda Triangle of dishonesty.
He threw his backpack on the bed and sat on the corner. He let his head fall into his hands as he absorbed the shock of what had happened. It took all his energy to ignore the ominous file inside the tiny room, like a great white shark floating through a backyard swimming pool. He took a shower to wash away the day. It only reminded him of the steamier ones he and Lindsey had shared. Once again, he found himself completely and utterly alone. Maybe fate was trying to tell him something—that there wasn’t meant to be another set of footprints in the sand beside his. Finally, he fell into bed, letting thoughts of Lindsey drift into oblivion as he tossed into a restless sleep.