“You have no idea what has been going on in my head for the last three and a half weeks.”

Allie reaches for my hand. “You’re right, I don’t, but we don’t have to talk about any of it tonight. You look exhausted, Jordan. Why don’t I get my things and go? I’m sure you want to get your rest.”

“No, don’t go. Stay. Will you shower with me? I’m tired and just need to wash away the day.”

She eyes me carefully, like a stray cat that’s going to run. It’s sweet but unnecessary. I’m sad, but I’ve also gained some clarity in the past few days that I didn’t have before.

“Sure, I’ll stay and I’ll wash your back. Come on.”

As we enter the bathroom, she begins taking off her clothes while I turn on the water. I love that Allie never hesitates to get naked in front of me. There is never any shyness or the uncomfortable vibe that sometimes happens when people are worried about their bodies in new relationships.

She comes up behind me and pulls off my shirt. Wrapping her arms around my waist, she presses tender kisses against my back before backing up and waiting for me to finish undressing. There is so much I want to say to her, but I don’t even know where to start. One thing is for sure: it doesn’t all have to be said tonight.

After stepping into the shower, I reach out to her and hold on as she steps in. As I pull her close, I place a kiss against the top of her head. “Thank you for staying.”

“There isn’t much I won’t do if you ask, J.”

Her words are soft but matter of fact. From day one, she’s been honest with me. It’s time to figure out my life and return the courtesy. Not that I’m lying about anything, but leaving her in limbo for so long isn’t fair to her. The last thing I want is for her or Tyler to think I’m taking advantage of them.

“Step under the spray and wet your hair.”

I do as she asks, and she nods her approval. She reaches for the soap and lathers up a washcloth. Allie begins washing my abdomen before lowering herself to the ground and taking care of each of my legs. I hum my approval as she works her way up my body. She makes quick work of my dick and even my balls. I’m hard as a rock, but she chooses to ignore it. Instead, she stands and works over my backside.

“We need to shower together more often.”

“We’d probably end up wasting a lot of water if we did.” She reaches for the shampoo and nudges me out of the spray.

“Maybe I should remodel my bathroom and put in one of those huge tubs. We could have all the fun with a lot less water waste.”

She bites her lower lip and pours shampoo into her palm. “Turn around.” Placing her other hand on my shoulder, she gently maneuvers me so my back is facing her before she continues. “If we get to a place where we see a long-term future for us, Jordan, I’m all in on the tub.”

I’m not sure what is going on with her. Ever since I got home, she’s avoided talking about us and acting indifferent. It doesn’t feel great, and I wonder briefly if this is how Ty feels when I push him away. The thought is short-lived as she works the lather through my hair, relaxing me. The past few weeks have been some of the hardest of my life, and with a simple gesture, she’s put me at ease. It’s crazy how she does that, but being with Allie is always calming.

“Okay, J, rinse.” She kisses the back of my neck.

I turn around, close my eyes, and rinse the suds from my hair. When I open them again, Allie is tucked into the corner of the shower. She’s drawn “I love you” in the steam on the glass, and the words are a punch to the gut.

I step closer, taking them in and processing how they make me feel. I want to reply but have no clue what to say. This seems to happen a lot when I’m around her.

“It’s okay, Jordan. You don’t need to say anything back. You don’t even need to return my feelings. I only wanted you to know they exist.” The sincerity in her words and expression floors me.

“Allie, it’s not that I don’t feel something, I’m just …” Fuck, I don’t want to hurt her—the total opposite, in fact—but there is so much to be said and done before we have this conversation.

She reaches behind me and shuts off the water before popping open the door and grabbing towels for both of us. “You’re not ready.”

“It’s complicated,” I mutter, hating myself as I wrap the towel around my waist.

She throws her arms around my neck, catching me off guard. “Jordan, I mean it when I say it’s okay. Your life is upside down right now, and I know you love Tyler. You guys have history. I can’t compete with that, and I don’t want to. I like Tyler, he’s a good guy, and if you decide he’s the one, I’ll back off, but …” Her blue eyes meet mine, and she presses a quick kiss against my lips.

“But what?”

“I can’t be a silent about this situation anymore either. I said I’d walk away at the end of summer. Well, it’s end of summer, but I can’t walk away after what happened. We lost too much time. So instead, I’m letting you know where I stand in all of this. I need you to know I’m an active player in this game and my heart is on the line. Don’t take that lightly, Jordan. I don’t give it to just anyone.”

She backs away and dries off before pulling on her underwear. She reaches for her shirt, and my anxiety kicks up a notch.

“I thought you were staying over.”

She hesitates, shirt in hand. “Do you still want me to? I thought maybe you’d need some alone time after my confession.”

“Answer a question for me. Why did you choose right now to tell me?”

“You’ve had a hard life, Jordan, and a rough few weeks.”

“I don’t need your sympathy, Allie.”

She stomps closer to me, not bothering to hide her annoyance. “And I’m not giving it to you. If you’d listen instead of snapping at me, maybe you’d understand.”

With a nod, I concede. “Go on.”

“All I was trying to say was, you’ve had a lot of loss in your life, and even though you act like this impenetrable tough guy, I know it’s all an act. You have one of the kindest hearts under that rough exterior and you can put up all the walls you want to, but it’s not going to change how I feel. People should know when they’re loved, especially when life intervenes and smacks us all in the face to remind us we’re all born with only one truth in our life: death is inevitable.”

I back her up against the counter, and her shirt falls to the floor. She tries to mask her nervousness, but the rapid rise and fall of her chest gives her away. I don’t need to look in the mirror to know how intimidating I must look—it’s my default expression. Some women have resting bitch face, and I have angry man syndrome, but unlike most people, Allie sees right through it to the real me. Raising my hand to her face, I caress her cheek and lower my mouth to hers.

“Stay … please don’t go.”

She wraps her legs around my waist and her arms around my neck as my whispered words caress her lips.

Her lips meet mine, and as our kiss intensifies, I carry her to my bed. I don’t know what it is about Allie, but when she kisses me, I feel our connection in every cell of my body. The room is dark, but the moonlight shines brightly through the gaps in the blinds. We lie down, my body covering hers, while she keeps her limbs wrapped around me, holding me close. As we part breathlessly, the beating of our hearts against each other continues to bind us together.

“Jordan, I love you.” Her words are soft but firm.

My body stills against hers, but she continues running her fingers through my hair. She knows how much it relaxes me.

“Don’t freak out, okay? But now that you know, I had to vocalize it.”

“Allie …”

“It’s all right,” she whispers.

“No, it’s not. Look, Al …” Why is this so hard for me? Why can’t I communicate like a normal fucking person? “I have feelings for you. I hope you know that much. You aren’t just someone I have sex with, and that’s rare for me because the only other person I do this with is Tyler, and I—”

“You love him,” she says, cutting me off.

Rolling to my side, I pull her face to face with me. “I do, but something is missing with Ty. It’s the reason we continuously go in and out of each other’s lives. I don’t want that with you, that kind of uncertainty and pain, but I also don’t know how to be who you need.”

Tracing my lips with her fingers, she scoots closer so our bodies are flush together. “You’re already what I need, J. Just be you, baby, and we’ll be fine.”

“You don’t know what you’re asking for.”

“You’re wrong,” she says, stroking my cheek with her thumb. “My entire life has revolved around people who hide underneath façades. It’s exhausting, J. That’s why I came to stay with Sasha. I knew I had to take the initiative of starting my life over with people who are real.”

“Then what are you doing here?”

“Stop. You’re one of the realest people I’ve ever met, but you guard your feelings. That’s different than being fake, and you know it. I see you, Jordan, the real you, and that’s who I fell in love with.”

Unable to handle any more talk right now, I cover her lips with mine. Without hesitation, she slides her tongue into my mouth, and my dick hardens as our kiss deepens. Gathering her hair in my fist, I pull the way I know she likes. Groaning, she hitches her leg over my hip, our mouths part and my lips move down her throat where I can feel her sultry sighs against my lips.

The past few weeks have been extremely emotional, but at night, when I laid awake in my bed at the beach house, it never failed as my meds kicked in that I would think of her. Not Tyler … Allie. I might not be able to say the words, but I can show her how I feel with my body.

“You are so fucking sexy, Al.”

Her heart races against my chest as she grinds her pelvis against me. “You’re the sexy one, J. No one …” She bites her bottom lip, and I tug it from her mouth with my teeth.

“No one, what? Tell me what you were going to say, Al.”

“It’s nothing. It’s embarrassing,” she mutters, covering her eyes with her hand.

I flip onto my back, pulling her on top of me. With a fumbling hand, I pull a condom from the nightstand. “Put this on me.”

She grinds against me before sliding down my body and devouring my cock with her mouth. “Jesus, Allie,” I hiss as she pulls off and begins sliding the condom down my length. She takes off her panties before crawling back up my body and lowering herself onto me.

“My God, Jordan, you feel so good,” she moans as she explores my chest with her hands while her body adjusts to me. Leaning forward, she flicks my nipple with her tongue, and I grip her ass so I can help guide our rhythm. Once Allie is close to her release, I pull her head to my lips with one hand and halt her movement with the other.

Pulling back from our kiss, I brush her hair from her face. “Tell me what you were too shy to say earlier. And before you say it’s embarrassing, take in our current situation. We’re as intimate as two people can be. There is nothing that should be off-limits between us. Tell me, Allie Cat.”

She sighs at the term of endearment and softly begins rocking against me again. “No one has ever made me feel like this before. Your touch lights me on fire from the inside out.”

“How so?” I slip my thumb against her clit, rubbing gently.

“I don’t know, J,” she moans, picking up the pace.

Between her sexy sighs, how fucking good she feels wrapped around my cock, and the intimacy of the moment, I’m about to come. She cries out, inhaling sharply before rising off my dick and then slamming herself back down. My grip on her hips is hard enough to leave finger-shaped bruises, but it only fuels her desire to ride me faster and harder.

“Tell me, Allie,” I demand, wanting to hear what she’s afraid to say.

“Fuck, Jordan,” she says through her pleasure, and it’s an incredible turn-on. “I only have to look at you and I feel it. The need to fuck you, to kiss you, and to pledge my undying love to you, all at the same time.” The pitch of her voice rises with each word. She’s right on the edge, which makes two of us. “You do something to me. I feel safe with you yet still vulnerable. I know you love Tyler, and as hot as it would be to watch the two of you, I’d want to kill him. You bring out this primalness inside me I’ve never felt before, and I don’t know if I ever want to feel it again. It’s exhilarating and beyond scary all at the same time.”

She closes her eyes and leans back, and I press my thumb harder against her clit. The cries falling from her lips are almost my final undoing. “Allie, look at me, baby.” She opens her eyes, and they’re filled with uncertainty. “That was so fucking hot, now kiss me.”

Her lips meet mine, I shift my hips, and she screams against my mouth.

“Jordan!”

I swallow her cries as my release builds. Our tongues dance a song only the two of us know, and her kiss pushes me over the edge. As her name falls from my lips, I drown in her desire. I may not know what comes next, but I do know I’m having a hard time imagining Allie not being around for it all.

Our bodies are slick with sweat as our hearts pound against each other like we just ran a marathon. She groans as I comb my fingers through her sex-tangled hair.

“Gross. I need another shower.”

Laughing, I wrap my arms around her. “Not gross, extremely hot. We’ll shower in the morning. Let me get something to clean us up and get rid of this condom.”

Carefully, she rolls off of me and watches as I go into the bathroom. “Like what you see?” I tease with a glance over my shoulder.

“Uh, yeah, you might have the nicest ass I’ve ever seen, J.”

Tyler has a thing for my ass too, and I hate that I’m thinking about that right now.

Once we’re cleaned up, I turn the blinds to block out the remaining moonlight and save us from the rising sun in the morning. After we’re covered up and she’s tucked into my arms, I decide to give her as much truth as I can.

Placing a kiss to the top of her head, I pull her tighter to me. “Thank you for what you said tonight.”

Groaning, she asks, “Which part?”

“All of it. You have no idea how much it means for me to know that. I want you to understand something. When I say those words to you, I want to be able to say them when you’re the only person occupying my heart. You deserve that, Allie, and so much more. Until I can do that, I can’t say those words. When I give them to someone, I’m giving them for life. Do you understand?”

I’ve never been so open and honest with anyone. Losing Noah has changed me in a lot of ways. It’s also forced me to take a long, hard look at myself, and I don’t particularly like what I see.

“I understand, J. Completely.”

“Good. Allie …”

“Yeah, J?” she answers with a yawn.

“I know it’s not fair, but could you, you know …”

“I love you, Jordan. Goodnight.”

A peacefulness floods through me that I haven’t felt in a long time. Allie is constantly soothing me with her words and actions. She knew what I needed without me having to say it.

“Goodnight, Allie. Sweet dreams.”

“In your arms, that’s already a given.”