June

“What put that kind of smile on your face? Did you hit the lotto?” Sasha hops up on the bar and waits for my reply.

“Noah and Sawyer’s tour got interrupted because of a tornado and the band is on their way home. Except for Noah and Mel; they’re off on a romantic getaway.”

“That’s awesome. Maybe I’ll get a booty call.”

Allie catches my eye as she bends over across the bar to pick something up from the floor. I’m completely distracted as I reply, “That’s my brother, Sasha.”

She snickers. “Try that argument when you aren’t basically imagining yourself pounding into my sister’s ass.”

Damn. She’s got me there.

She moves in closer. “What’s the deal there anyway? Her six-month hiatus is up, and you and Ty are still riding the same merry go round as usual.”

“We work together.”

She snorts. “Please … like that matters. No one here is going to revolt if you date an employee. We rule the roost and the rest of them are our humble little servants. That includes Allie. She’s your best worker aside from me, and everyone here already knows it. Besides, it’s not like everyone in this bar isn’t hooking up left and right anyway. Give me a real reason, Jordan.”

“I don’t want to hurt her.”

“Then don’t. Next excuse.”

“My office, Sasha, now.”

The last thing I want to do is get into this in the middle of the bar where Allie might hear. Sasha follows behind me, closes the door, and places a hand on her hips.

“I’m waiting, J.”

“Allie is my friend. We hang out, my cat fucking loves her, and ever since I made her fall on New Year’s Eve we’ve grown close. It’s fun, and it’s easy. I don’t want to complicate that.”

She perches herself on the edge of my desk and nails me with an all-knowing gaze. “Bullshit. You’re just using Allie as an excuse not to make any real decisions about Tyler. You’re going to have to shit or get off the pot at some point, Jordan. You and Allie have something special, and I think you know that’s true.”

“And Tyler and I don’t?” That was probably the wrong question to present to Sasha because she doesn’t sugar coat anything.

“Jordan, I love you, and I have been holding off saying this to you for years because you’ve never shown an interest in anyone except Tyler. If what you and Tyler have is so special, wouldn’t you be married by now? Maybe have some kids running around? You know I don’t want any, but my uterus is yours for the taking anytime.”

“Sasha …”

She shakes her head and pulls me into a hug. “Just think about it, J, please. I’m your best friend, and it kills me to see you light up around her and then clam up. You look at Allie with a measured amount of longing and desire. It’s sexy as fuck. You look at Tyler like a good friend, but there’s no lustful intent in your eyes when he enters the room. Not anymore at least.”

“You know it’s different with Ty. We’re long past the new relationship lust. We’ve been through a lot together, and he knows my history. I don’t have to pretend with him.”

Sasha releases me and shakes her head sadly. “You wouldn’t have to pretend with her, either, if you’d let her in. It’s your past, J, and I’d never share it out of turn, but you’re never going to settle down if you continue to hold it in.”

“Says she who disappears every year at Christmas and still won’t tell me where she goes.”

“Fair enough, I’ll tell you, but because you’re my best friend and you have a right to know. Not because I need to share with anyone else. If I ever want to settle down, I’ll tell my sordid little tale. Every year, I go to Ohio and visit my mom in the state penitentiary where she’s serving a life sentence for murder. I probably hate her as much as you hate your biological father, but on that one day a year, I go to remind her I’m still alive and I’ll never let her forget why she’s there as long as she lives.”

“Damn, Sasha …”

She brushes her skirt down. “It’s fine, J, it’s my life. I know you’re thinking it’s a sad way to spend Christmas, but that one day brings me happiness. Trust me. Knowing I make her as miserable as she’s made life for everyone keeps me sane.”

“Does Allie know?”

“Yup, she knows the whole sordid tale, and someday, when I’m exceptionally drunk, I’ll tell you too.”

My phone rings on my desk. Sasha smiles when she sees Sawyer’s face, and I nod. “Go ahead and answer it. I know it will make your day.”

Sasha pushes the speaker button. “Do I get to suck your cock tonight?”

It sounds like Sawyer spits something out of his mouth. “Fuck Sasha, I wish. Way to answer the phone though.”

“Can’t say I’m not disappointed, but it was worth a shot.”

“What’s up, Sawyer?” I interrupt before this gets more X-rated.

“A shitload, actually. Can you leave Sasha running the bar for a couple of days? I need you at my house within the next two hours.”

Sasha eyes me quizzically, but her guess is as good as mine. She nods her agreement.

“Yeah, Sasha can take over. What’s going on?”

Sawyer exhales loudly. “Noah ran off to Vegas to get married. Luckily, Mel felt guilty and spilled the beans. Wedding is tomorrow, so we have to sneak into town tonight.”

“The fuck?”

“Exactly! He’s my twin, for Christ’s sake. What was he thinking?”

Man, I can hear the hurt in Sawyer’s tone. “Are you okay?”

“Yes … no … hell, I don’t know. Ask me again tomorrow after the wedding.”

“Do Mom and Dad know yet?”

The sound of a baby crying echoes in the background, and I hear a door close, drowning it out. “Nope, they’re my next call. Eli, Diane, and Rory all are on their way over. Everyone else was here when I got the call.”

“Need me to do anything? Bring anything?”

“Tequila. I’m out, and I need to be drinking for this one.”

“You got it. I’ll be there soon.”

Sasha turns off my phone and passes it to me. “Nothing like a wedding to bring a family together.”

“God help us all. You sure you’ve got things here? I know tomorrow was supposed to be your day off.”

“Jordan, I’ll be fine. You’re making me manager soon, remember? You’ve been training me on all the intricate details for months. Go. We’ll figure out a way to live without you for a few days.”

Sasha grabs my arm as I turn to leave. “On second thought, can Allie crash at your place while you’re gone? I won’t have to go see your bastard cat, and I can have some freaky sex in my own bed for a change.”

“You don’t have sex if Allie’s home?”

She winks at me. “I do, but it’s mild in comparison to what I’d do if she weren’t.”

“Let your inner freak out. Allie can stay at my place. Fat Bastard will love it.”

The wedding passed in an instant. We landed in Vegas in the middle of the night Saturday, and the wedding was later that afternoon. By Sunday night we were all on a plane back home. As I watched my brother and his bride say their vows, I felt envious. I’m not even sure why.

Then, when Sawyer and Belle gave their respective toasts at the reception, something kept nagging at me. I haven’t been able to get Sasha’s words out of my mind. Is she right? If Tyler and I had something special, wouldn’t we know it? Wouldn’t I know it?

When I think in the abstract to the future, and if I could see myself spending my life with Tyler, I think I could. We’d be comfortable and easy. When I think about Allie in the same respect, excitement jumpstarts my heart. I’m not sure if we could have a life together, but I know I would never get tired of waking up next to her beautiful face. And I also know if I don’t get out of the starting gate with her, I’ll never have my answer.

Allie’s car is in my driveway when I pull in. She must have worked the early shift today. I grab my bag from the back of my truck and let myself into the house. She’s curled up on the couch with her feet beneath her and FB in her lap. I’m pretty sure that cat loves her more than anything, including me.

“Hey,” she says, greeting me with a sweet smile. “I didn’t know you were coming back tonight.”

There’s a box of pizza and an empty bottle of wine on the table. “Yeah, we decided to come home a day early. There’s nothing to do in Vegas except drink and lose money.”

“Strip clubs,” she offers.

“Not my scene.”

“You’re a strange man, Jordan Weston, but I like you.”

I incline my head toward her lap. “And my cat loves you.”

“He does. I think he’s my soul mate. He just wants someone to feed him, hold him, and love him. I’m down with all of that.”

I kick off my shoes and tuck them under the table. “Are you looking now that your six months are up?”

She quirks a brow at me. “My six months? Oh, wow, I haven’t even thought about it.”

“Really? I thought you wanted time to reset and think?”

She grabs the remote and pauses her movie. “I did. When I was laid up for six weeks after New Year’s Eve, I think I did about six months’ worth of reflecting.”

I still feel bad about that. Allie’s foot was badly sprained, and she ended up on crutches. “I’m so sorry, Allie.”

She places her hand on mine. “I know, J, and you need to get past it. I have. The whole six-month thing was stupid. I was reeling from leaving home more than I was about Evan. Honestly, I was pissed at myself for giving him that much of my time.”

“Why did you?”

“I think mostly to placate my dad. He was exactly the kind of guy I was raised to bring home. That’s probably the hardest thing to get over. It was never about my happiness, only appearances. When I have kids, their happiness will always be my number-one concern.”

I brush my fingers against hers. “So … if you aren’t waiting anymore, how come I haven’t seen you date anyone? Or even talk about anyone?”

“Because I’ve only met one person since I’ve been here who has sparked an interest. Unfortunately, he’s off the market.”

I’m most definitely not, and it’s about time I showed her.

“Put the cat down and come with me.”

She moves FB out of her lap, and I pull her up from the couch and lead her to my room. The bed is messed up, and I realize she’s been sleeping in here instead of the guest room.

“Sorry. I’ll change the sheets. FB kept crying, and when I came in here to sleep instead, he curled up at the bottom of the bed and stopped.”

The thought of her in my bed is extremely sexy. “Don’t you dare change them.” I close the door and lie down. “My pillows smell like you. Do you know how hot that is?”

She lies down next to me, and I flip off the lights. As much as I like seeing her, I want us to get comfortable. “They smelled like you first, J. Although, I was sort of worried maybe it wasn’t only you I was smelling.”

“Allie, no one but you has been in my bed for months. In fact, I’m not exactly off the market either.”

She rolls to her side and faces me. “Aren’t you and Tyler still dating?”

“I wouldn’t call it that.”

“What would you call it?”

I scoot closer to her and place my hand on her hip. “The same mess it’s always been. I think I’m ready for something new, but it would have to be casual at first. Tyler is still in my life, and he’ll be back at some point. I wouldn’t sleep with both of you at the same time because that’s not me, but I’m not willing to blow him off completely if I don’t know how things would work with us either.”

“Us?” she whispers.

“If you want to try. We’ve danced around it for so long and—”

Her mouth crashes into mine, and I weave my fingers through her hair. Our kiss ignites my body on fire. She nips my bottom lip, and I fist her hair and tug. When she releases a sexy groan, I do it again. I know she can’t be very sexually experienced if she stayed with that dick for six years without as much as a single orgasm, but I’m willing to teach her anything she’d like to learn.

As much as I hate to pull away from her, we still have to talk.

“Allie, do you want to spend the night with me?”

“Do you even need to ask?” she pants, trying to catch her breath.

“Good. Let me get comfortable so we can talk.”

I stand up and get out of my jeans and shirt before climbing back into bed with her. “Not many people know this story. Basically, my immediate family, Sasha, Tyler, and you. And I guess anyone who read a paper or saw the news when it happened.”

“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to, J.”

I bring her hand to my lips and kiss it. “I want to, but I also have to. When I was seven, my dad had an affair with a co-worker. Nobody knew until it was too late. The night before everything happened, we had a family game night. My parents were hugging and kissing, they put us to bed, and we exchanged I love yous. All was right in our world.”

I take a deep breath and pull her closer to me for comfort. As if she knows exactly what I need, she wraps her arms around me. Talking about that day has never gotten easier, but I’ve learned to somewhat dissociate myself from it.

“The next morning, my dad was on edge. I was supposed to go to the movies with Noah, Sawyer, and Aunt Karen. The plan was for me to walk to their house, but Mom changed her mind at the last minute. Instead, she was going to drop me off on her way to take my brother Carl and his girlfriend to the mall. Carl was thirteen, and I thought the sun and moon rose with him. We looked a lot alike, and I knew I would get a lot of girlfriends when I was older because Carl always had girls flocking to him.”

The memory makes me chuckle; I adored my brother. I swallow over the lump building in my throat and continue. “I’m not exactly sure what happened, but Dad and Carl were arguing. I was standing in the hall behind my dad, and he couldn’t see me. When the gun went off, I tried to scream but I was in shock and nothing came out. The next thing I knew, my mom was kissing me and pushing me into my bedroom closet. She had my baby sister Carly in her arms, and they were both crying. She looked at me with the most stoic look on her face and told me I was going to be fine if I stayed hidden and didn’t make a noise. She closed the closet, and I heard the bedroom door slam open a few seconds later.”

My chest heaves, and I’m having a hard time catching my breath. Allie rubs my back but remains completely silent. After a couple of minutes, I press on. I want her to know my story.

“Mom screamed and begged Dad to leave Carly alone. He kept asking where I was, but she told him Sawyer and Noah had picked me up early and I was gone. Then I heard a shot, or more, a lot of it is still a blur. Mom was suddenly silent, but Carly didn’t stop screaming until after more shots were fired. Three, four, five, and then I flew backward, losing count and landing head first on my ice skates. That’s when I caught the bullet in my side; it went through the wall. I blacked out at some point … I think. I was in and out of it. Everything hurt, breathing was so hard, and I thought I was dying. At some point, it could have been minutes or hours, but I heard another shot. I wanted to be saved but kept praying Sawyer’s family didn’t come looking for me and get shot too.”

“Oh, Jordan …”

“I tried not to make a sound, until I heard Sawyer screaming and realized he was calling my name.” Tears stream down my cheeks. “I’d made a promise to Mom, though, and I wasn’t going to break it. I was so scared and started tapping against the wall. He heard me, Allie. Sawyer saved me.”

“My God, J, he was just a little boy too.”

Clutching her as close to me as I can, I continue. “Sawyer is the bravest person I have ever met. He saw my dad lying in a pool of blood and came into the house and called for help. Then he found Carl, had to get past my mom’s body in the hall, and saw Carly on my bed before he found me in the closet. He put pressure on my head, screamed until the paramedics found us, and refused to leave my side all the way to the hospital. I’ve always struggled with being the one who made it out, and with the fact Carly wasn’t in the closet with me. But the police determined Mom was trying to separate us, to give at least one of us a fighting chance, but Dad got to her before she could hide Carly. Since I was supposed to be out of the house already, I had the best chance to survive.”

Allie kisses the top of my head. “My God, Jordan …”

“I don’t need your sympathy, Allie.”

“Don’t do that. If I want to give you sympathy, I will, but this isn’t sympathy, J. This is empathy. I know what it’s like to lose a parent, but it’s nothing compared to what you went through. You and Sawyer are incredible men in spite of all you’ve been through.”

I flip onto my back and pull her into the crook of my arm. “That’s because of my parents. Aunt Karen and Uncle Owen took me in right away. They fought my dad’s family for custody, and they got Sawyer and me the help we needed. My physical wounds healed quickly compared to the psychological ones. Each year, Sawyer and I spend the anniversary together, usually drinking away our sorrows. We experienced the same horrific trauma in completely different ways. We both lost our family. Without him, I wouldn’t be here. I would’ve bled out in my closet.”

“Why are you telling me this now?” she asks softly.

“A few reasons. My dad killed everyone because of his affair. They were supposed to run off together, but I guess he couldn’t live with himself after doing what he did and took his own life. That’s why trust is so important to me. My relationships have to be honest and transparent if they have any chance of being successful.”

“I understand,” she murmurs.

“The other reason is, I frequently have bad nightmares. Sawyer does too, but his don’t occur very often anymore. It happens abruptly, and I’ve been told it’s scary when you’re not in the know about my condition. If we’re going to start having sleepovers, you need to be aware.”

“Sleepovers? Plural?”

I ghost my lips over hers. “I hope so.”

“Me too. Is there anything I need to do when you’re having the nightmares?”

She’s the first person to ever ask me that. “Gently try to wake me. If I get shaken out of a dream, it’s scary and flares up my anxiety. Sometimes, I still have to take my anti-anxiety medication after a dream, but if I’m woken up peacefully, I may not need to.”

“Okay. If it happens, I’ll do my best to coax you awake.”

“Thank you. Allie, can I ask how your mom died?”

She exhales slowly. “You can, but I think it’s a story Sasha wants to be the one to tell you. I know she told you her mom is in jail.”

“She did,” I reply with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

“Sasha’s mom murdered mine. It’s how we met.”

Holy shit. That’s why Allie is so important to her. “And the two of you were able to … bridge that gap?”

“Oddly enough, it’s what bonded us together. Trauma victims tend to do that, as you know from your own experience. I lost my mom forever and, in a way, Sasha’s mom is gone forever too. We were both dealing with a lot. Aside from some details I’ll leave for Sasha to explain, we went to the same therapist. The court thought it would be a good idea, especially since we were both twelve years old and lived in the same town. She lived with her grandma for a year before she went to foster care, and she showed up at my house every day after school and sat outside. Even while drowning in her pain and grief, Sasha worried about me. Her guilt, anger, and fear brought her to me, and we never looked back.”

If anyone understands empathy, Allie does.