Chapter 14 - Aiden
I accelerate down the road a bit faster than I should. I don’t know what just happened. Why was I there? I shouldn’t have been there. My father’s old truck revs down the freeway until I turn off towards my cabin. As soon as I’m off the main road, I breathe a sigh of relief and feel my whole body relax.
Going into town was a mistake. Seeing Madeline was a mistake. Helping with the garden was a mistake. I should be opposing all their projects with everything I can, not helping them! I park the truck in front of the cabin and slide out, slamming the door behind me. I set off towards the forest without looking back at the pickup.
One step after another, I make my way through the forest, up the winding path towards the top of the mountain. The endlessness of the forests calms me down, and I take a deep, cleansing breath. I brush my fingers along the trees as I walk by and recite their names in my head, just as my father taught us.
Balsam fir, red maple, birch, spruce, aspen, eastern hemlock.
It’s like a poem, running continuously through my mind as I put one foot in front of the other. I put more distance between me and Lang Creek, more distance between me and Maddy Croft. The narrow dirt path switches back to climb further up the mountain. Before I know it, I’m at the lookout where I stood with Maddy less than a day ago.
I climb up the boulder and look over the wide expanse of the countryside. The sun is still burning off the morning mist and I take another deep breath.
The mountains have always been a calming place for me. I’ve always felt at home here. But now, as I stand on this rock and stare out in the distance, all I can think about is Maddy’s soft exhale when she saw it for the first time. My fingers tingle at the thought of her hand slipping into mine. I can still see the brightness in her eyes as she gazed upon the Adirondacks from up here for the first time in her life.
It doesn’t feel calming to me now. It feels empty and meaningless. I turn my back on the awe-inspiring landscape and head up higher towards the tree-line. As I get higher, the trees start to thin until there are only a handful of pine trees dotting the mountainside. The air is thinner already, and I feel that familiar tightening in my chest when I get nearer to a summit.
My breath is more labored but I push on, putting one foot in front of another until all that’s left are a few shrubs and loose rocks. The scree rock slides under my feet and it feels like I’m constantly taking two steps forward and one step back. I zig-zag up the side of the mountain, keeping my head down and focusing on my where my next step will go. Almost all of a sudden, I’m at the top.
I look out across the countryside, spinning in a full circle as I take in the endless peaks that surround me. They feel like my mountains. They feel like my territory, my home. I can see Lang Creek spreading out at the base of the mountain, chimneys letting out thin tendrils of smoke. My eyes travel up the mountainside towards the patch of mountain that I know has been bought by Maddy’s company.
Soon, those trees will be razed and all that will be left is a huge lump of a building on this mountain. I sit down on the summit and let my eyes wander from the peaks to the town to the site of the future hotel. A cold breeze lifts the edges of my jacket and I feel it pierce through my bones.
Suddenly, my chest feels tight and my eyes are prickling. I can feel my father all around me. I can almost see him in front of me, teaching me about the trees and the plants, guiding me to listen to the calls of the birds and even showing me the insects that make the whole forest regenerate. Everyone plays a part, he used to tell me.
I try to look towards Lang Creek but my eyes blur. If he were here, he wouldn’t be chasing after some woman. He wouldn’t be helping the corporation that’s trying to destroy these forests that our family has called home for generations.
He wouldn’t be standing up in front of the town to oppose the new hotel, only to let his cock guide him back to the woman who represents all that destruction. He wouldn’t be living alone in a cabin, going to work for the family that stole everything from ours. He wouldn’t have to put on coveralls that say ‘McCoy Trucking’ and be reminded of their betrayal every day of the week.
Tears start streaming down my cheeks, and the cold breeze feels like it’s freezing them against my skin. Every tear that falls feels like an icicle on my face, reminding me of my weakness and of my failure to live up to my father’s standards.
He would have wanted more. He would have expected me to fight this with everything I had, and to guide the townspeople to follow me. He would have expected me to be a leader.
My tears keep falling as I look towards the town again. It feels like weakness, but I still want to know her. I still wish she was here, looking down at the town with me. I still want to show her what these mountains mean to me, to everyone that lives here.
I don’t know what to think. I know I should be fighting this, but Maddy makes me feel more alive than I’ve felt since I was a teenager. I know I should want her to leave, but all I want is for her to stay as long as possible.
I stand up and spread my arms, leaning my head back and screaming as loud as I can. It rips through my chest and burns my throat as it passes through me, taking all my frustration and my confusion and my pain and sending it into the void.
The echo of my scream taunts me, bouncing off the mountains until it finally fades into silence. I brush my cheeks and shuffle my feet to warm them up again before turning back down towards the path.
I’m still confused. Still conflicted. Still unbearably attracted to Madeline Croft. The wind picks up again and I know I need to put all that aside. These mountains are more important than me, more important than her, more important than any of us. Whatever it is that Maddy has woken up inside me needs to go back to sleep.