Chapter 33 - Madeline
I need to pull over onto the shoulder as I drive back towards town. I can’t see through my tears, and I know I’ll get in an accident if I keep driving. I put my hazard lights on and let the sobs shake my body. I rest my head on the steering wheel and let myself cry and cry and cry.
When I can breathe again, I look through the windscreen at the vista in front of me. I’m surrounded by the Adirondacks, by the most beautiful scenery I’ve ever seen. I’ve always loved being outdoors, but being here has given me a new appreciation for the wild.
No, that’s not true. Being here with Aiden has given me a new appreciation for the wild.
As mad as I am that he didn’t tell me about the petition, as betrayed as I feel by it, I know deep down that I can’t blame him for it. I shouldn’t be here. I’m on the wrong side of this fight. He’s right about it all. It doesn’t matter how many environmental controls we put in. It doesn’t matter how stringent the regulations are. We’ve still cleared acres of virgin forest and are putting a huge, wasteful, luxury hotel in its place.
How can I call myself an environmental engineer after this?
My heart feels like it’s breaking for a thousand reasons. I’m crying for Aiden, I’m crying for my job, and I’m crying because I know I’ve been acting wrong in both my professional life and personal life. I’m crying because I haven’t been true to myself.
My father’s voice rings in my head and I hear him say it again. Be true to yourself. I don’t even know who I am! How am I supposed to know what to do? I thought I was an environmentalist, so I pursued environmental engineering. And yet here I am, complicit in the destruction of the environment. I’ve been lying to myself.
I thought I was a career woman, proud of my hard work and proud of making my own way through the ranks of this industry. And yet here I am, making decisions that directly impact my progression. I lied to my boss and I dated the main opponent for the hotel’s construction.
I can’t be true to myself, because I don’t know who I am.
That seems to sober me up. I sob once more and bring my hands up to my cheeks to wipe the tears away. I’m only crying because I’m mad at myself. Aiden hasn’t done anything wrong. He’s been true to himself. He’s never done anything to contradict who he is. All he’s ever done is oppose the construction of the hotel. It feels like he lied to me, but maybe I was just too eager to believe my own lies.
I put the car into gear and start back towards Lang Creek Town. I think of Aiden’s face when I confronted him, how it twisted and contorted as I accused him of lying. What am I to him? Why was he seeing me? Do I actually mean anything to him?
I sniffle and try to push the thoughts away as I drive. I need to focus on the road.
Still, every tree, every mountain, every bend in the road makes me think of him. He’s shown me so much about these mountains, so much about himself. He’s shown me so much about me. I don’t know who I am or what I’m doing, but at least I realize that now. At least now I know that I don’t know.
My heart feels like it’s breaking. I mean physically breaking. It’s a sharp pain that cracks through my chest, and when I finally pull the car up in front of the hotel, I can’t get up the stairs fast enough. I lock myself into my room and let the tear flow from my eyes.
My phone is buzzing and buzzing and I finally wipe my eyes and look at it. It’s Barry, and Cecilia, and a few of the engineers at work. I scroll through my missed calls and my heart breaks again when I don’t see Aiden’s name.
His silence says it all.
I lay back on my bed and take a deep breath. I stormed out of work after being confronted about a mistake. I lied to my boss, or at the very least I misled him. My actions have contributed to the project being brought to a halt.
I haven’t exactly been a professional about all this. I’ve been a petulant child.
Sure, Barry shouldn’t have brought Aiden up, but I probably shouldn’t have been seeing him in the first place. Not if I was serious about wanting to progress in this company. Not if I was serious about this career.
I scroll through my contacts until I find my father’s number. When he answers, my heart breaks all over again and I just wish I was a little girl curled up in his arms.
“Daddy,” I sob. “I don’t know what to do.”
I hate how small my voice is, and I hate having to ask my dad for help, but as soon as he starts asking me what’s wrong, his voice lends me a bit of strength.
“What’s up Mads? Come on, stop crying. Come on kiddo.”
I snort as I try to laugh through my tears. “You haven’t called me kiddo in years.”
“You’re still my kid, Madeline,” he says gently. “Come on, tell me what happened.”
“There’s a boy,” I blurt out. “A man, I mean.”
My father makes a knowing sound and I can imagine him nodding. His voice is like a hug through the phone, and I lay back in bed, bringing my hand to my eyes.
“His name is Aiden. Dad,” my voice catches in my throat. “Dad I think I’m in love with him.”
“Oh, Mads,” my dad says gently. “I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.”
I snort again as I try to laugh. “And I messed up at work and now the project is stopped and it’s all a big mess and it’s my fault.”
My father chuckles. “You work for an international construction company on a multi-million dollar project. I can guarantee it’s not completely your fault. Tell me what happened.”
I take a deep breath and start talking. I tell him everything, from the town hall meeting to the community garden to the beauty of the mountains. I tell him about Aiden, and how he’s cared for me and been more gentle with me than any man before. I tell him that I don’t know who I am anymore, and I don’t know what I want. I tell him that I feel like I’ve been lying to myself this whole time.
He listens to it all. By the end of the conversation my voice is steady and my eyes are dry.
“You’ll figure it out, Mads,” he says. “Go back to work and fix things with your boss. Tomorrow you can talk to Aiden once you’ve both calmed down.”
I nod. “Okay. Thanks, Dad.”
“I love you, kiddo.”
I laugh, and this time it actually sounds like a real laugh. “I love you too, Dad. It’s nice to talk to you.”
“Thanks for calling. Let me know how it all goes.”
We hang up and I hold the phone to my chest. I take a long, shuddering breath and sit up. I may be a grown woman, but having a heart-to-heart with my dad has always made me feel better. He’s given me the courage to go back to work and own up to my mistakes. Tomorrow, I’ll go to Aiden and own up to my mistakes with him.
Once that’s done, I’ll let the cards fall as they may and deal with whatever comes. My dad is right. I’ll figure it all out. I wipe my cheeks one more time and take a deep breath. Time to go back to work.