Unaware
Letting our guard down offers our subconscious a false sense of security. We become unaware. When we stop looking over our shoulder, we become vulnerable. Whether physically or emotionally, being unaware makes us susceptible to an attack, one we rarely see coming. That is when we are at our weakest.
BREEZE
EVERY PART OF my body ached as I stretched awake. I hated how I smiled, remembering the previous night.
I would get over Shame.
It was a promise I made to myself. He would not ruin me. I was strong. I vowed to hold my head high and not let him ever see how much he hurt me. I slipped out of bed and took a deep breath before heading to the bathroom. I showered, changed and put on a confident face.
At my door, I paused briefly before I opened it, reminding myself again, I could face Shame.
As I strolled into the living room, I smiled. Nothing had changed. Nothing ever did.
“I’m stuck with you this morning,” I shot over to Dink.
He grinned from the couch. “Looks like, but I made coffee.”
“You know how to do that?” I teased, given in the five years I spent at the clubhouse, the guys were waited on hand and foot. I might have to be there, but my days of playing maid were over.
He rolled his eyes. “Yes, believe it or not I can brew a pot of coffee.”
“Not so sure about that.” I laughed, staring at the tar-like liquid pouring into my mug.
Dink chuckled. “I like it thick.”
I smothered a laugh. “I bet you do.”
“Ha. Ha. You’re fucking hilarious.” I shrugged, deciding to forgo coffee. “Oh, Liam’s girl’s been calling you like crazy.”
“You have my phone?”
“Viv brought it this morning with some of your things.”
He held it out to me over the back of the couch. As I dialed Pocket’s number, the doorbell rang.
“Open the door.” Pocket’s voice came from my cell phone.
Liam opened the door before I spoke and Pocket marched right to me. “Don’t be mad at me.”
With a tip of his chin, Liam greeted Dink as he sat in the chair next to the couch.
Was I mad at Pocket? She did tattle on me, but it wasn’t Pocket who carried me out of my house against my will. Nor did she take tiny pieces of my dignity. “I’m not mad . . . at you.”
“If I knew he would make you come back here . . .”
“It’s fine,” I reassured her.
“I saw your dad this morning,” she said. “He thinks you’re safer here.”
“He’s probably right,” I admitted, although with reluctance. Physically I was safe. It was my heart that was in danger.
“Hell yeah, he’s right,” Liam boasted. “The Bastards won’t let that cock sucker near you.”
“Eddie Dixon’s a wannabee,” I proclaimed, rolling my eyes dramatically. Why could no one else see that? “I think I could take him.”
“Don’t take E lightly,” Liam warned, his voice more serious than I’ve ever heard from him. “Eddie’s a crazy mutha fucker. He’s way more ruthless than his old man.”
It was strange to see Liam afraid of someone. He wouldn’t admit it, but Eddie obviously scared him.
“Whatever,” I said simply to lighten the mood. “I think the text was a stupid prank.”
“Maybe it was, but you’re still safer here with all of us around.”
“Can we not talk about it anymore? I want to hang out with my friend and have fun until I leave.”
“We aren’t gonna have any fun up here,” Liam said, glancing around. “Let’s go shoot pool in the clubhouse.”
“I’m game,” Dink said with a challenging wink my way. We had been keeping score over the years. I was up a few games and I knew it drove him crazy. The guys kept teasing him about letting a girl beat him.
“Fine. If you want me to kick your ass again,” I teased.
“Oh, it’s on. Your sassy ass is going down,” Dink bragged as he leaped from the couch.
The four of us treaded down the stairs, but I froze halfway when I considered if I was ready to see Shame. Liam nearly ran into me.
“Shame isn’t here,” he said. I turned my head and nodded my thanks. “I know my brother can be an asshole, but he cares for you. He wants what’s best for you.”
Without a word, I descended the rest of the stairs. If Shame wanted what was best for me, he would quit toying with my emotions. He would have refused me and my stupid offer. He knew me well enough to know I could never hold up my end of our deal without falling apart. No, if he wanted what was best for me, he wouldn’t have broken me completely.
Pocket racked while Liam embraced her from behind. The two of them were hopelessly in love. I was just hopeless, well, maybe not completely. I held onto a miniscule amount of hope I might meet a boy at college who could replace Shame, one who could make my heart patter and electricity course through me. That little shred of hope wasn’t much, but it was mine to keep. There was also the crippling, albeit tiny, nudge of hope Shame would change his mind.
The real problem was the part of me that didn’t believe I would ever love anyone the way I loved Shame. I hated that I would always feel the void he left behind. I felt positive no matter how far removed I was from Southie, a piece of my heart would always remain with Shame. It was my fault of course, for giving myself to him. How was I supposed to love someone fully? It wasn’t fair to me or to whomever I would date in the future. In fact, it was intolerable and cruel and self-destructive.
Regardless of how much he hurt me, I was determined to resolve things with Shame. Whether he liked it or not, we were going to have a heart to heart. I loved him, and I was kind of sick of him pulling away from me. I was a big girl and I knew what I wanted. Last night, I should have fought harder. Instead, I let him have control.
I thought about it, certain I would still leave for Dartmouth and give Shame what he wanted. But I wasn’t leaving without putting my heart on the line first, or without a fight. If Shame didn’t want to take a risk—fine. I could accept that. Us not being friends—that I could not live with.
I excused myself to the restroom, but I roamed outside to the garage to see if Shame was there. The only one in the garage was one of the stray cats Gus was fond of chasing around the yard. I shooed it out before closing the door and checking the backyard. The bright sunlight felt good on my skin, and I decided to take a short walk, hoping the fresh air would clear my head. I enjoyed the early afternoons when spring was around the corner and the air buzzed with a renewed energy.
My head cleared. If I pushed hard enough I could have Shame. He loved me and denial could never change that.
“Hey, Breezey, wait up,” I heard Dink from behind me and sighed.
“I was getting some air. You don’t have to babysit me.”
“Boss’s orders.” He flashed a crocked grin.
“Your boss is a dick,” I shot back playfully.
“Can’t argue with that.” While Dink agreed, he also continued to walk with me. I wanted to be alone. It was easier to think about what I wanted to say to Shame. “Hey, did I tell you, I met a girl.”
He waited a long time for me to respond. “Really?”
“Yeah, and I’m gonna be a daddy.”
I glanced over, catching the delight dancing in Dink’s eyes. He had worked hard to move beyond the demons that followed him back from Iraq, and he deserved to have a family. “Aw. I’m so happy for you, Dink.”
The moving shadow behind the row of cars stopped me in my tracks. Before I could tell Dink something was wrong, he collapsed at my feet. It was then the gunshot registered in my brain. It was muffled, but I heard it clearly.
I closed my eyes in disbelief. As I opened them, I felt my heart where my stomach should be. A puddle of blood pooled around Dink’s head on the concrete. There was no time to check on him as my heart pounded furiously with the approaching footsteps echoing in my ears. I spun around to find Sabina and E standing roughly twenty yards away.
The trees rustled but the streets were quiet.
My body froze with astonishment. Sabina being with E wasn’t good. For a brief moment I thought of Dusty. He lost his life because Shame believed him to be the club’s rat, but I had never been truly convinced. The real traitor strode toward me in four-inch heels. Allowing anger to control me, I lunged forward.
Before I managed a hand on Sabina, E had me pinned to the ground. He knelt over me, pressing my shoulder into the ground with his knee. “Keep your hands off her,” he bellowed.
I saw clearly the wild adrenaline in his eyes, the satisfaction of capturing me from Shame. He had won a hand in the card game they had been playing for years. They may not have grown up together, but E had the sibling rivalry thing nailed. He had been competing with Shame his entire life, and there on the street, he marveled in his victory.
In a lightening quick move, I managed to roll away from him. Only an instant later his weight collapsed on top of me. “Get off me!” I demanded.
“Don’t fight it.” He wedged his hands together around my waist. “You got away once, but not this time.”
I didn’t understand. “What are you talking about?”
“You got lucky when my mom showed up.” My eyes widened. “I knew who you were the moment you stepped foot in my house.”
Spitting in his face made him squeeze even harder. He held me so tight my face was buried in his sweaty neck. I tasted the salt on my lips. “Why are you doing this?” I asked as best I could with my lips pressed to his neck. He didn’t respond. “Let me up and I promise to quit fighting.”
Slowly, I felt his grip relax. “If you try to run, I’ll kill you.”
“Fuck you!” I screamed in a show of confidence, assuming he was going to kill me anyway.
As his weight lifted, I shoved against him and leaped to my feet. I failed in shoving him again and my butt hit the pavement.
“Enough!” Sabina shouted.
Anger had transitioned into full-blown rage. I couldn’t help myself. As soon as I was on my feet again, I stormed after Sabina. She reeled backward a couple of steps and then launched forward, shoving me right back. Only Sabina was armed. I felt the pinch of a needle before my head lightened and my vision blurred.
I heard footsteps and made out a few male faces around me. “Take her to the warehouse in Somerville,” Sabina instructed. “We’ll meet you there.”
“Yes, boss.”
The last thing I remembered was that bitch’s smiling face before the clouds above me swirled out of control and went black.
When we are unaware, the people closest to us become capable of destroying us. We give, they take. They lie, we trust. Then we learn we are not invincible.
SHAME
I had spent the early morning in the garage to avoid Breeze. There was a part of me that knew the moment I saw her, I would never be able to send her away.
When I ran out of things to do at the club, I drove to Sabina’s. It was time to end things with her. I wasn’t the only one who staked a claim last night. Breeze left her mark, and I could no longer pretend with Sabina. She had been nothing more than a careless distraction.
She wasn’t home. I ended up cruising the causeway to Pleasure Bay where I walked around lost in my thoughts.
With each step, the reasons my chest hurt became clearer. Why was I pushing away the only girl I ever loved? I was a fucking idiot, was why. I wasn’t my father. I wasn’t destined to live his life. I could have both club and the woman I loved. I didn’t want Breeze to move away.
I wanted her to follow her dreams and go to college, but I didn’t want her to leave me. I fucking loved her and I wanted her to be mine. Those feelings would never fade away. She had pierced her way into my heart and the only thing more painful than her being there was the thought of her not. That was it for me.
I was done fighting.
For so long, I had lived by a code that I was too hard-core to be tied to a woman that wanted more than a physical connection. Instead, I settled for a woman like Sabina. What a pussy I had become. In all honesty, Breeze had been my old lady since the day she snuck into the clubhouse, and I was done denying the truth.
Breeze was an adult.
I was out of excuses.
As I sat behind the wheel, I received a text from Maddie that she needed to see me at Donovan’s immediately.
The woman sitting next to my sister as I entered Donavan’s set my skin ablaze. She looked older, but she hadn’t changed a bit. The lonely boy inside wanted to run and hug her, but the hardened man I had grown into wanted to choke the life out of her. As I approached the table, I opted to keep my rage in check, until I heard what she had to say.
“I see you found Ma,” I said, staring at Maddie as I filled the chair across from her. “I thought you split town.”
“The Villains didn’t know about Michael,” Maddie replied. “He and Cole are closer than ever. I don’t think Dusty’s your rat, but Ma has—”
Something didn’t sit right. Dusty had to have known about Delarosa. The disgust I felt when my mother touched my hand stopped me from analyzing long. “It doesn’t make—”
“I’m here to help you,” Ma interrupted.
“I don’t want your fucking help,” I spat, glaring at the woman I hardly knew.
“They have Breeze,” Maddie said quietly.
Heat crawled up my neck as I stared stunned across the table. “No, Breeze is at my place with Dink.” The way they looked at me, I knew I was wrong, but I refused to believe it. I called Dink’s cell. No one answered, so I called Tank.
“What’s up, brother?” he answered.
“Are you at the clubhouse?” I asked.
“Yeah.”
“Go up and check on Breeze.”
My heart thumped in my ears as I waited. “She ain’t here.”
“And Dink?”
“Not here, either. But Liam is. He said Breeze went outside and Dink followed her.”
“Find them.”
I hung up and slammed my phone on the table. “Where is she?”
“It was E and . . .”
“Where the fuck is she?” My voice roared and one of the waitresses hushed me.
Ma swallowed. “I’ll tell you, but you have to promise not to hurt Eddie.”
I blinked and looked up. “Not fucking happening. If he hurts her—”
My mother sighed. “Your father started all of this.”
How was she making this about Pop?
I feared she was stalling, but I took the bait anyway. “My father was a great man.”
“Your father was as corrupt as they come,” Ma argued with sheer anger in her tone.
Why was she mad when she was the one who abandoned her family?
“And Dixon’s such an upstanding citizen.”
My mother leaned forward as her voice quieted. “I left your father, and I don’t regret it. He used to beat me. Maybe you kids don’t remember it, but I couldn’t take it anymore.”
“I remember.” Maddie covered her mouth with her hand.
My mother looked at me as though hoping some memory would make her leaving okay with me. Nothing came. I had only heard stories, but had nothing real to grasp onto, so I stared hard at her.
“I tried to take you kids, but your father had too much power. I regret giving up, but I was young and scared.”
As the oldest, it was easier for Maddie to remember the bad times. It wasn’t so simple for me to defend our mother. I didn’t know what to believe. “I’m not interested in your sad story. There’s no excuse for leavin’ your kids.”
“Maybe,” Ma said, and took Maddie’s hand, patting it while she glanced between the two of us. “You need to know something. It was your father who brought the sex business to Southie.”
“You’re lying!” I shouted with hatred, which earned another shush from the waitress.
“Do you seriously think The Villains killed him for a few miles of turf, or for an old lady he hadn’t been with in years?” Ma challenged.
“I think Dixon is a ruthless, arrogant prick.”
Ma nodded with a strange look on her face. “You aren’t wrong and he’ll kill me if he finds out I spoke with you. But I don’t want you to be hurt. You’re still my son.” She paused, taking in a long breath. “Years ago, Ishmael sent me back to your father to find out about his new business. I took the information back to him. Ishmael suggested a partnership, but your father refused him.”
I swallowed hard as my fears rose to the surface. I always knew there was more than turf issues between The Villains and The Bastards.
“That’s why he killed Pop?” Maddie wanted to clarify.
Ma nodded. I felt like strangling the woman who brought me into the world. “You expect us to believe Pop was a pimp?”
“The gambling business wasn’t as strong as it once was, and he was losing guns to Ishmael. Southie would have gone to The Villains.”
“Bullshit,” I growled.
My mother remained calm, not the least bit intimidated by me. “Sex is big money. Your father was as greedy as any other gangster, and he needed a way to keep Southie Bastard territory.”
“Not buyin’ it. Our turf is strong.”
“Only after your father died, because I insisted Dixon call a truce and leave you kids and The Bastards alone. He had the sex trade. He didn’t need your guns, the business, or your turf.”
Our arguing wasted valuable time. None of it fucking mattered. “Tell me where to find Breeze.”
“I won’t.” Ma shook her head.
I stood and kicked my chair back. The look I sent the waitress kept her from hushing me again. “I’ll find her myself.”
“She told me,” Maddie said hastily. “I know where Breeze is.”
“I want to help you,” my mother admitted, “but Eddie’s my son. I won’t let you kill him. And I can’t let him end up in the penitentiary.”
Ma still fought for the wrong side. Her priorities were with the enemy, and I wasn’t sure I should latch on to her olive branch yet.
“She called Eddie, so he’s long gone,” Maddie explained. “But the FBI is going in now. We’re gonna get her back.”
I hoped my mother didn’t expect a thank you. If Breeze was hurt, she was going down with the rest of them. She had a worried look in her eye. As I sat back down, she said, “There’s something else you should know.”
What other news could she hurt me with? She already stole my old man from me.
“What?” Maddie asked.
Ma looked right at me. Her eyes grew bigger. “Sabina’s the one rattin’ you out.”
The words echoed in my mind, along with a vision of Dusty lying on the clubhouse floor. Did we kill the wrong person? “No. Dusty was the rat,” I insisted because the truth was too fucking miserable to accept.
She shook her head with a sympathetic expression. “I’m sorry, son. I caught Sabina in Ishmael’s office. They didn’t see me, but I heard them talking. Sabina runs the ring for The Villains. She’s been feeding information to Ishmael for years.”
“That fucking cunt!” I shot up from the table. People stared but I didn’t give a fuck.
“Shame. It gets worse,” Maddie paused and the serious look on her face prepared me for something awful. “Taking Breeze was her idea. They wanted a virgin.”
Red. A sea of fucking red was all I saw as I bolted from the diner.
When we are unaware, we are weak and we will be hurt. We will be led astray, and we will find out somewhere along the line we lost control. This knowledge will create chaos, drive us mad, and bring us to the darkest reaches of our souls.