Order
Life has order. For the most part, it resembles a pecking order. High school, for instance; at the very top are the popular kids. Close behind, you have those kids who are all vying for second in line. Next, are the loners, who merely want to hide until high school is over. And finally, those who live in the cracks, undefined and struggling to decide where they fit. Sadly, high school is not entirely different than any other stage of life. Someone is always on top with big shoes, and someone is always on bottom trying not to get squashed.
BREEZE
ARRIVING AT SCHOOL felt different. I wouldn’t see Pocket between classes at my locker. She wouldn’t be there for me to lean on. And as much as I hated hearing about her and Liam’s sexual escapades all the time, I welcomed her dirty mouth if it meant she could stay. I stared at the picture of us in my locker from two summers ago and missed her terribly already.
Tears started to come. My throat closed up. I didn’t want to cry at school. That would open the door for the gossipmongers to spread rumors.
I stopped at the bubbler for a drink. The cold water helped calm my emotions.
“Should I be offended you didn’t call?” Lance appeared next to me. He grinned, so he wasn’t upset.
I tried to smile but I couldn’t. “Sorry, I was pretty busy yesterday.”
“What about today after school?” he asked, his tone hopeful. “We could get fraps or something.”
“I can’t. I have to go straight home to study.”
“We can study together.”
“No. I can’t.” I clutched the strap of my backpack as if it would give me emotional support. “I’m sorry.”
“Is everything okay?” His bright blue eyes moved back and forth over mine.
“We shouldn’t hang out.” I hated myself for saying it. I liked Lance but he didn’t know me.
“Oh, I thought . . . wow, I totally read this wrong.”
“No, you didn’t.” I sighed painfully. “I’m a Bastard,” I blurted.
“O—kay.” He chuckled. “As in illegitimate or scoundrel?”
I couldn’t contain the smile that came over my lips. “Scoundrel. Like I belong to The Irish Bastards.”
“Belong to?” he questioned with a raised eyebrow.
“Live with . . .” I scratched at my neck. “It’s complicated but—”
“That means we can’t hang out . . . why?”
“Because they’re The Bastards. Oh . . . forget it . . . you don’t understand.”
“I know who they are,” he said confidently.
“You do?”
“Grams filled me in.” He nodded as though the club didn’t intimidate him. Obviously he wasn’t clued into the social order of Southie, or he was too brave for his own good. I stayed quiet, debating if I could bolt and never speak to him again. “So you can’t hang out with people outside of the gang. Is that it?” he pressed.
“It’s more like a club, and no, but I’m sure your gram doesn’t want you hanging out with me.”
“Do you have to initiate me in some violent way?” he asked with a sly grin.
I glanced around at the sea of students, expecting them to be watching us, but they were otherwise preoccupied with their own lives.
“No,” I answered.
“Are they going to strip search me before I come in?”
“Probably not.” I laughed. “But maybe,” I teased rocking back on my heels.
“Perfect.” He flashed a cocky grin. The bell sounded for class and he backed away as he said, “I’ll come over after football practice, like around seven thirty.”
“Um . . . okay.”
I bit my lips and started for class. Holy crap, a boy was coming to the house. Then I felt sick . . . a boy was coming to the house.
Maintaining order can be difficult, and almost all of us will fall out of line at least once. When things get shaken up, we get bent out of shape, lost even, and if not careful, chaos ensues and keeps us wandering. We act out, rebel against change, and then, when we finally find our way we have to reestablish ourselves.
SHAME
Maddie phoned to tell me Liam was at her place and not in good shape. Word on the street spread fast, and the word was Liam picked a fight with a group of Villains in Roxbury last night. I stormed through the front door of my sister’s condo worried and pissed.
“Where is he?” I demanded.
She hushed me. “He’s asleep in my room.”
“Fucking kid.”
Maddie stroked the side of my arm. “It’s bad, Shame.”
“What?”
“They jacked him up good. Michael risked the investigation to bring him to me. Rose came over and stitched him up. He has broken ribs and a concussion. I spent the night waking him up every two hours.”
“Jesus.” I raked a hand through my hair. Guilt sat in as I considered how our talk at the cemetery ended. I shouldn’t have let him walk away.
“You’re supposed to take care of him,” Maddie said, looking at me accusatory.
“Don’t you fucking talk to me about what I’m supposed to do.” I took in a breath and glared at my sister. “You bailed on us, remember? You don’t know Liam.”
She held her ground. “I know you go easy on him for Pop.”
“Liam’s an adult.”
“So is Tank, Dozer . . . Ziggy, but they don’t take a shit without your okay.”
“Liam doesn’t respect me the way the guys do. He hates me.”
Her hands flew up in the air as she let out a loud sigh. “No, he idolizes you.”
“It ain’t like that anymore.”
She shook her head. “Just go easy on him. Okay?”
What the fuck? That was a record mood swing.
“I though you wanted me to kick his ass in gear?”
“I do.” She flashed a worried grin. “But do it gently.”
With her hands pressed together, she did this kind of bow thing, as if thanking me. I was still confused as to how she wanted me to handle things. Instead of asking, I shook my head and turned away from her, prepared to deal with Liam my way.
As I made my way toward Maddie’s room, I realized I had no idea what to say to Liam. He felt robbed, and he hurt deep where I couldn’t reach him. Hell, I’d never loved a woman the way Liam thought he loved Pocket. Those emotions were a bad combination for a kid as angry and lost as my brother. Reminding myself to be understanding, I opened the door to Maddie’s bedroom. His face was various shades of purple, but it was his swollen eyes that made it hard to recognize him.
Liam let out a groan as his head turned my way. One eye barely opened and he said, “Fuck, she called you?”
“Bitch.” I smiled as I made my way to the side of the bed.
He laughed but his face showed how much it hurt. “Before you say anything, I know I fucked up.”
“Hey, if you wanna punish yourself, that’s on you,” I said, only half joking as I sat next to him.
“It wasn’t like that. I went to a friend’s house to chill out. His window was open. I heard Pop’s name.”
I instantly went on alert. “What’d they say?”
He grimaced hard right before he coughed. A scream came with the cough so pained I wanted to punch something. Whoever fucked with Liam would feel the same pain. “Can you get those pills?” he asked, tipping his head to the nightstand.
I placed two Vicodin in his palm and handed him a bottle of water. He swallowed the pills, grimacing more.
“I couldn’t make out what they were saying, only Pop’s name, and Ma’s.”
“What?” I asked shocked. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure they said Patrice, but not for sure if it was Ma. But what are the odds? It didn’t sit right, so I went out to confront them. I didn’t know they were Villains until I was on them. I recognized one of the guys from Dixon’s crew, but the rest were young . . . my age or younger.” That didn’t surprise me. Dixon recruited in middle school. “Something’s up. What if they’re going after Ma?”
The poor kid, ever the concern for the image of a mother he created in his head. He never knew her, therefore how could he understand her treachery? I understood all too well and despised the woman who gave birth to us. “Who cares what happens to that bitch!”
“I do. I know she left us, but she’s still our mother.”
She wasn’t my mother. My mother was dead to me.
“She abandoned us and Pop. I wouldn’t even know where to find her. Last I heard she was in New York. Pop said she married some rich asshole and was pretending to be a socialite housewife.”
“So maybe The Villains want money. We have to help her.”
The kid had hope and hope was dangerous. I had to convince him the woman didn’t deserve our help. If she turned up in our lives, he would only be disappointed.
“No. We don’t owe her anything. I know you don’t remember what it was like after she left, but it was bad. She walked out on her own flesh and blood and when she did, she walked away from the club and any protection it provides.”
“It ain’t right,” he insisted and glanced away.
“It’s the code. We help our own and she isn’t one of us. Promise me you’ll drop this,” I pleaded. “We have enough to deal with . . . You have enough to deal with.”
He sat up. Tears welled in his eyes as he heaved a breath and brought his head to rest on my chest. “I miss Pop. He would know what to do.”
I wrapped an arm around him. He was so young, so misguided, but he wasn’t weak. He wasn’t a kid who cried and felt sorry for himself. It was my job to remind him he wasn’t a pussy.
“Hey.” I pulled back. “I know what to do. Trust me. Man the fuck up! You’re tougher than tears. Whoever did this is going to pay.”
He nodded and lied back on the pillow. A second later his eyelids fell closed.
Times like this, I truly missed the old man. He kept everything in order. Liam would never have gotten out of line with Pop around. But I couldn’t change the past. I could only try to do right by the kid.
I stayed at his side for a few minutes, stroking his hair. I always thought he was the lucky one. When our ma bailed, I assumed he didn’t remember her, so it would hurt less. But as the youngest, he needed her the most. Liam lacked a mother’s nurturing. That was why he always appeared harder and more jaded than the rest of us. The truth was, though, it was all an act to hide the fact deep inside, he was still a little boy wanting nothing more than to be loved.
When things are out of order, we scramble to find some way to put everything perfectly back into place. The truth is there is nothing wrong with a little turmoil. Adversity opens the mind and allows us a chance to reposition ourselves somewhere better.