VIDAR

I wasn’t particularly hungry, so I watched as Nicole ate her desert – a slice of hot apple pie with ice-cream on top and the entire thing drizzled with caramel.

After one bite, she licked her spoon and I could tell from the way she looked at me that she was thinking about marrying me, weighing the pros and cons.

I said carefully, “In order to be fair, I should tell you more about myself, as well.”

She said, “Actually, I’ve been Googling you and your family for years.”

“Not all of it’s on Google,” I said.  “I told you about my father being a bigamist.”

She nodded.  “At least he was married to Gareth’s mother.  Most men would have just had an affair, but going through a ceremony, even if it was illegal, shows some kind of commitment – doesn’t it?”

“Perhaps.  I think he went through the ceremony to keep DeeDee quiet.  I also believe he had many other affairs.  Whether they resulted in children, I don’t know.”

She said, “If I marry you, I’d be marrying you, not your parents.”

“That’s not completely true.  You would have to deal with my family, just as I’d have to deal with yours.”

“Okay,” she said.  “Give me your worst.”

“My Aunt Trudy is going through her fortune.  I don’t know how much is left, but she may be penniless before she’s seventy.  She married six times and lost a lot in settlements, and the rest she’s given away or wasted.  She’s always looking for something to make her happy, but she hasn’t found it.”

“They say money doesn’t buy happiness,” Nicole murmured.

“No.  And then there’s my mother.  She has battled depression her entire life, and after the death of my older brother Emil, it got worse.”

“Emil died in a motorcycle accident, right?”

“No.  Drug overdose.”

Her eyes widened.  “No, you’re right.  That’s not on Google.”

I took a deep breath.  “He was only sixteen.  I was ten, and that’s why I was sent to a boarding school.  My mom, Joanne, couldn’t bear to see me, reminding her of the perfect son she had lost.”

“I don’t think I like your Mom.”

I was touched by her defensive tone.  I said, “It’s all right.  We’re at peace with each other now, but she still takes a lot of prescriptions to feel better.”

“All right,” Nicole said.  “So far, nothing you’ve said has alarmed me.  Every family has skeletons.  And if we’re going to talk about addictions, my mother is an alcoholic and my Gran smokes like a chimney.  But then, maybe with your investigation you already know that.”

I nodded.  “It was thorough.”

I added, “I never expected to marry.  I never expected to have children.  But having Chloe has changed me, made me realize that I can be a father if I want.”

“She’s a beautiful little girl.”

“Would you like to go upstairs and say ‘good-night’ to her?”

Nicole smiled.  “That would be using the cute baby to seal the deal.  Not fair.”

She was too smart.  “Guilty,” I said.

Nicole and I finished eating and then we rode the elevator up to her floor.  We stood for a moment outside her door.  “Do you want to come in for a few minutes?” she asked awkwardly.

I said, “I guess that depends on whether you think a good-night kiss would seal the deal.”

“A kiss?” Nicole’s eyes widened, and she looked briefly at my lips, when glanced quickly away.  “You want to kiss me?”

“I’m not going to marry someone I don’t want to kiss.”

Nicole said, “Then maybe you should come inside for a bit, so we can talk about this.”

She unlocked her door and we both walked into her small living room.  She motioned for me to sit on the couch and then sat across from me in an arm chair.  “I thought we were going to kiss,” I said.

“I said ‘talk’ not ‘kiss,’” she said firmly.

That was one of the things I liked about her, her willingness to argue about words and their meanings.  I sat on the couch and waited for her to speak.  After a minute, I prompted, “Well?”

“What kind of marriage are you proposing?  I thought it was going to be a marriage of convenience.”

“What does that mean?”

“Just friends.  Platonic.”

“No.  I don’t want a platonic marriage.  I want a real marriage with sex and the possibility of more children.  But I don’t expect to jump right into that.  We can get married and go slow.  As slow as you like.”

“What if I never want to sleep with you?”

I raised one eyebrow inquiringly.  I’d noticed how she’d eyed me when I was brushing my teeth in the bathroom.  She felt some attraction for me, just as I felt some for her.  I said, “We’re two reasonably healthy adults and we’ll be sharing the same apartment.  Proximity and hormones are going to take their toll.  What is the probability of your wanting to be celibate for let’s say – the next five years?”

Nicole blushed. “1 percent,” she said quietly.

“All right then,” I said.  “I’m willing to take the risk.  What about you?”

She lifted her chin.  “I think I’d like that kiss now.  Just so I know what to expect.”

I patted the seat next to me on the couch.  “Ready when you are,” I said.  “I’m happy to give you a free sample.”

“Like Rick with his sweet rolls.”

“Exactly.”

She sat beside me and I looked into her pretty blue eyes.  “I do like you, Nicole,” I said.  “I have liked you for a long time, but I didn’t realize how much I liked you until recently.”  I leaned forward and smoothed her hair behind her ear as she often did.

“I like you, too,” she breathed out.

Then I kissed her.  Her lips were soft and sweet, and I knew I’d made the right choice to propose to her.  She felt right.  There was no awkwardness.  After a moment, I pulled back a few inches and smiled at her.  “Well?”

“I’ll tell you tomorrow.  I need some time to think about this.”  She smiled as she said this, and it gave me hope.

I stood and told her she could always leave me a note in my sock drawer.

Another smile.

We both walked back towards her door.

And then I blew it.

Nicole was looking at me, so trustingly, and I felt a twinge of conscience.

I knew I had to tell her everything now, rather than having her learn it later and resent me, so I said quickly, “There’s one more thing you need to know about me.  I just want to tell you now, and if it’s a deal breaker, you can tell me tomorrow.  I’m just going to say it and get it over with.”

She looked at me, concerned.  “Okay.”

I blurted out, “I never thought I’d marry because over the years, I’ve had various diagnoses.  Either Asperger’s or High Functioning Autism, depending on the day and the doctor.  I didn’t even talk until I was five.  Before that, I just made animal noises.”