CHAPTER TEN
Justin brought his laptop downstairs and set it up on the dining table, barely able to keep his hands from shaking. He hadn’t lost it, hadn’t fallen apart, since the day his mother passed away, but he felt damned close to that edge right now.
“I’d like to see everything the doctors have given you about the disease.” The letters P, K, and D felt like poison on his tongue now, so he did what he could to avoid saying them. “And your lab results too, if you wouldn’t mind showing them to me.”
“Of course I’ll show you everything.” Taylor went into the small room off the kitchen that she used as her office and pulled several thick folders from the bottom of the filing cabinet. But she didn’t give them to him immediately. “Promise me you won’t freak out when you start reading.”
“Too late.” Even if he tried to tell her comforting lies, she’d see right through them. “I need to know what we’re up against.”
“Not we, Justin. You’ve already fought one battle for your mother. You don’t have to fight mine too.”
“Like hell I don’t.” He all but ripped the folders from her hands. When her eyes went wide, he inwardly cursed himself. “I’m sorry.” The effort it took to keep himself together was almost more than he could bear as he looked at the woman he loved. The woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. The woman who had just told him about her diagnosis. “I just keep thinking that the sooner I start combing through everything, the sooner I’ll find a solution.”
“I knew that’s what you’d do.” She wrapped her arms around him, the folders between them like a bag of bricks. “I just don’t want you to be upset when you don’t find one.” Too quickly, she kissed his cheek and stepped back. “I’ve got some errands to do and then some business to take care of in my office. We can talk more when I get back, okay?”
He wouldn’t let her go without a kiss. A real one this time.
Her mouth was soft beneath his. And oh so sweet. Especially when she started kissing him back. A kiss that told him everything she felt for him, even if she thought she needed to push him away for his own good.
Before she walked away, however, she said, “I haven’t changed my mind about what I said earlier.”
“Neither have I.”
He would have given her another kiss to prove his point, but she slipped away before he could. As though she hadn’t yet realized that he’d stop at nothing to persuade her not only to be with him, but to also let him support her in her fight against her disease.
A fight he needed to arm himself for by being as informed as possible.
He began with her test results, his scientific mind whirring into overdrive as he read. Two hours later, when he finished the final set of reports in her files, he knew more about PKD than he’d ever thought he would.
And he was also more frightened than he’d ever been.
The literature made it clear that many people with the dominant PKD gene lived long lives with the disease. The majority, in fact. But for patients with autosomal recessive PKD…
No, damn it! He wouldn’t let himself lose traction in helping Taylor by getting stuck in dark thoughts and dangerous statistics. No matter what, he needed to stay calm and clear-headed. Otherwise, he wouldn’t be a help, he’d be a hindrance.
She came through the door carrying a large box, and he leaped from his chair to take it from her. “You shouldn’t be carrying that.”
She gave him a look like he was nuts. “It’s just ears of corn. I carry heavier things all the time.”
“Don’t.” Realizing too late that the word had shot from his lips like a bullet, he ran a hand through his hair. “Sorry.” He had a feeling he was going to be apologizing a lot, like a panicked bull rampaging out of control in a china shop.
“I take it you read through everything?” she asked.
He nodded, bringing the box of fresh corn through to the kitchen. “Do you want me to help you shuck these?”
“That would be great,” she said with a smile clearly meant to show that she wasn’t upset with him for freaking out that she was carrying something heavy.
As he tore at the corn husks while he continued to mentally process everything he’d read during the past two hours, his jaw clenched so tight that it started to pop. He would have much preferred shredding her doctors’ reports to pieces.
“I’ll go toss the garbage bag so we have room for all of this.” She had to shimmy around the island to get by him and ended up bumping into the corner of it.
“Careful!”
“Justin,” she said, her voice carefully modulated, “I understand that all of this is a huge, horrible shock to you. But you need to stop freaking out.”
“Stop?” He gripped the ear of corn he was holding so tightly that juice from the raw kernels started to run through his fingers. “How the hell am I supposed to stop freaking out? And how the hell could you not have told me before we made love? I could have hurt you!”
“You would never have hurt me.”
“Of course I wouldn’t have done it on purpose.” The dozens of case studies he’d just read swam together inside his head. “But if I had jolted you the wrong way, or put too much pressure on your kidneys—”
“Making love with you was the best I’ve felt in months!” Her words stopped his in their tracks. “Don’t you dare take last night away from me or make me feel guilty about it.”
Softening his voice, he said, “I can’t stand the thought that I could have hurt you.”
“You didn’t.” She moved into his arms, and he held on to her as tightly as he dared. “You won’t.”
“If only we could be sure.” He breathed in her fresh scent, letting it fill him up. “I just want to be sure.”
Sure that she’d have a long and healthy life. Sure that they could share the life he’d dreamed of together. One full of kids and grandkids and love and laughter. And time.
Before she could respond, the front door opened and voices called, “Taylor? Justin?”
Taylor’s eyes grew big, and she stepped out of his arms. “That sounds like Drew and Ashley.” She hurried out of the kitchen to greet their unexpected guests. “What a lovely surprise,” he heard her say right before she brought his brother and his fiancée through the door.
Justin gave them each a hug, noting that they were both glowing with pre-wedding happiness. Normally, it would be good to see them on the spur of the moment like this, but nothing was normal right now.
“Any chance we can convince you guys to come with us to Sullivan Winery to check out the final wedding preparations?” Ashley asked. But then she paused and took a careful look at their faces. “Of course, if you’re in the middle of something, we understand.”
Ashley had always had a knack for sensing when someone was hurting. It was part of the reason she and Drew had initially connected. She’d been invited to join Drew’s concert tour a little more than five years ago to conduct research for a master’s degree on the music business. Though Drew’s music career had looked like it was going from strength to strength, the truth that he’d kept from all of them was that he wasn’t happy. Ashley had seen through the walls he’d put up, and she hadn’t hesitated to help him figure out what changes he needed to make to really enjoy making music again. Drew had done the same for her when he’d shown her how talented she really was, and he’d also helped to repair her relationship with her parents. Since then, they’d lived happily ever after—with their wedding this weekend making it official.
At present, Drew had his arm around Ashley’s waist. He obviously couldn’t stand for her to be anywhere but pressed closely against him. They were the most in-love people Justin knew, apart from Sean and Serena. Justin’s parents had been that much in love too.
His chest clenched tight as he looked at Taylor. He wanted to hold her just as closely—and know that he’d never need to let her go. Which was why he didn’t think it was a good idea to go off with his brother and Ashley right now. The two of them needed to hash everything out, no matter how tough the hashing-out was.
“Actually, maybe now isn’t—” Justin began, but Taylor quickly cut in.
“We were just getting some corn shucked for cornbread and chowder, but that can absolutely wait until after we get a sneak peek at your wedding venue.”
“And miss out on chowder and cornbread?” Drew looked seriously disappointed. He was always up for the chance to eat great home-cooked food.
“How about we take the muffins I made this morning with us to the winery?” She handed one to Ashley and another to Drew. “I’ve got to be back to put out afternoon tea for my guests, but that should still leave us plenty of time.”
Drew’s eyes all but rolled back in his head as he shoved half the muffin into his mouth. “Mmff ggdd.”
What would Drew’s millions of fans think of him if they could see him now, with crumbs and unintelligible sounds coming out of his mouth? But Justin already knew. They’d love him more.
Just like there was nothing that Taylor could say or do that would make Justin love her less.
* * *
Visiting Sullivan Winery affirmed to Taylor yet again that she had made the right decision to move to Napa Valley. The landscape was beyond beautiful, and the sky was so blue it almost didn’t seem real. She’d never be able to look out over the rolling hills covered in lush grapevines without them taking her breath away.
She was glad that Ashley and Drew had shown up unexpectedly. Being forced to stop thinking about her diagnosis for a little while was exactly what Justin needed. She wanted him to relax and enjoy his time off, not waste the rest of the week hunched over a computer on a desperate goose chase for a cure.
“The weather looks like it will be perfect this weekend,” Nicola Sullivan said to Ashley and Drew with a cheerful smile. “Just as we discussed earlier, we’re planning to set up the chairs for the ceremony over there.” She pointed to a large section of manicured green lawn and rosebushes between the tasting room and the vines. “We’ll set up everything for the reception just around the corner.”
Taylor was having a hard time not being star struck as Nicola led them around to the other side of the building. She knew all of Nicola’s songs—which had been written and released under her stage name, Nico—by heart. Sure, Drew was also a massive music star, but Taylor had known him before he hit it big, so he felt like a brother to her. Whereas Nicola was even more sparkling and beautiful and captivating in person than she was in concert and in her videos. Taylor had met Nicola and her husband, Marcus, a little more than five years ago when Drew and Nicola had done a combined acoustic tour together, but it was still hard to act completely normal around her.
“That’s quite a girl crush you’ve got,” Justin teased her in a low voice, obviously having noted her mute adoration, broken up by only a couple of awkward giggles when Nicola had tried to talk with her.
“Shhh.” She felt her cheeks flush, mortified that Nicola might have heard him. But then she had to whisper back, “She’s just so amazing.”
“You’re not the only one who thinks so.” He nodded toward Marcus Sullivan, who was laughing at something his wife had said, a look of all-consuming love on his handsome face.
“They are definitely giving Ashley and Drew some serious competition for the Most Perfect Couple in the World Award,” she said with a little sigh.
“So could we.” His statement stopped her in her tracks, just the way she was certain he’d intended. The others were continuing around the corner of the building, leaving them alone as he said, “Let me love you, Taylor. And let yourself love me back. I know things aren’t easy right now, but that’s what love is, isn’t it? Sticking together in good times and bad. In sickness and in health.”
Her heart clenched as he all but made his vows to her right then and there. He’d always been her best friend, but he was right in saying he’d make an even better boyfriend. She wanted to be with him so badly—wanted it more than anything she’d ever wanted before.
But wouldn’t it be selfish to fall into his arms when she was such a mess? She had to be realistic, even if she hated what reality held for her. For them.
“I can’t stand the thought of putting you through the sick watch again. You read my charts, so you know that dating me would be like dating a ticking time bomb.”
“Be with me, Taylor.” Determination radiated from him.
“Have you heard anything I’ve said? Do you understand at all where I’m coming from, that I only want to protect you?”
“I heard every word. But it doesn’t change a thing. I love you. I’ve always loved you and I always will. You don’t need to protect me. I promise you that I’m strong enough to take whatever comes. Strong enough to be there for you. Strong enough to help you with anything you need help with.”
How could she possibly resist him when he opened his arms to her? No one could have, unless they were made of ice.
“I know exactly how strong you are.” For a moment, she let herself lean into his strength as she rested her cheek on his chest and wrapped her arms around him. But she knew what caring for, worrying about, and researching cures for his mother, all while putting on a brave face, had done to him. How it had almost turned him into a shell of himself. That was precisely why she hadn’t thought she could ask him to be strong for her too. Still trying to be strong, trying to do what she’d been so convinced was the right thing for him, she forced herself to pull back a couple of inches. “But I won’t ever be able to forgive myself if I end up hurting you.”
“You’re not going to hurt me.”
He sounded so certain that she almost believed he could make it so. And when he lowered his mouth to hers, she felt as though the passion and the emotion in their kiss just might be the magic ingredients she needed to make her wishes come true.
“Will you let me love you, Taylor?” He held her face in his hands, holding her heart just as tightly, as he gazed into her eyes with deep emotion. “Will you let yourself love me back? No matter what hurdles we have to face, now or in the future?”
She had tried to keep him safe, but she knew deep in her heart that in the end, she would never be able to keep in, or hold back, her love for him. Not now that it had finally spilled forth last night in the most beautiful way possible. She couldn’t promise anything when it came to her health, but she could promise him this: “I will let you love me. And I will let myself love you too. I want to be with you, Justin. It’s what I’ve always wanted.”
They were kissing when Ashley and Drew came back around the building. Justin’s arms tightened around her when he saw them, but he needn’t have worried that she was going to pull away again.
Giving him up was the very last thing she wanted.
Guilt at the thought that she shouldn’t have been so quick to fall into his arms—that she should have tried harder to protect him from future pain—pulled at her as Ashley and Drew beamed at them.
“Aha!” Drew said with a wide grin as he wagged his finger between them. “I knew something was going on in the kitchen this morning.” His eyebrows moved up and down in an exaggerated manner. “You two are finally getting it on, aren’t you?”
Taylor felt her face go up in flames as Ashley smacked her fiancé’s shoulder. “Drew!”
But Drew looked positively gleeful. “We’ve all been waiting forever for the two of you to see the light. To do the horizontal tango. To bump fuzzies. To make a bedspring symphony.”
Ashley clamped her hand over Drew’s mouth, giving Taylor and Justin an apologetic look even as the corners of her own mouth were twitching with a smile she was barely holding back. “Sorry that my husband-to-be has no manners.”
He nipped at her hand, before saying, “Good thing you love that about me.” Then he gave her a seriously hot kiss.
“What I came to ask before Drew went out of his way to get a rise out of both of you,” Ashley continued in a slightly breathless voice when he let her go, “is, would you mind coming to look at the guest house with me, Taylor? It’s where I’ll be getting ready on the morning of the wedding, and my brain is so overfull with details already that I’m afraid I might miss something I’ll need.”
“I’d be happy to come take a look with you.”
And she was even happier to be able to give Justin a kiss, rather than silently long for one the way she used to. Their kiss was soft and sweet and set dozens of butterflies loose inside of her. If only the shadow of guilt—and the weight of her worries about the future—would give up their grip on her, everything would be perfect.
But even though perfect wasn’t in the cards for her, that didn’t mean she couldn’t appreciate every wonderful moment she and Justin had together now. If anything, she appreciated them even more.
* * *
“Finally,” Drew said as he threw an arm around Justin’s shoulders, “you’ve got the girl of your dreams.”
A server came out of the tasting room with a tray of champagne flutes. “Here are several vintages that Marcus and Nicola suggest you taste so that you can make your final selections for this weekend.”
“Perfect timing,” Drew declared. “My brother and I have plenty to celebrate.”
They were sitting on outdoor chairs in the shade of a large oak when Drew picked up a glass and held it out to Justin in a toast. “To both of us snaring the women we were meant to be with.”
Justin clinked his glass with Drew’s, but barely took a sip. Holding Taylor in the middle of the vineyard, hearing her say that she loved him and that she wanted to be with him, meant more to him than anything else ever had. He’d never felt so high.
Or so low, when he thought about how much time he’d wasted. “How could I have been such an idiot not to tell her how I feel years ago?”
“No point in worrying about the past,” Drew said. “You’ve got the future to look forward to.”
The future. Justin had read all the statistics about the life-spans of PKD patients—the progress the scientific community had made with dialysis and kidney transplants was impressive. But he wanted guarantees, damn it. For the hundredth time in the past hour, he went back through everything he’d read before leaving the B&B.
Drew frowned when Justin didn’t immediately agree that his future was all roses and sunshine now that Taylor was his. “I’m pretty sure you have everything you’ve ever wanted now,” his brother remarked. “So why aren’t you skipping through the vineyards with cartoon hearts floating around your head?”
Justin hated to break Taylor’s confidence, but he needed to talk this through with someone. His father, though brilliant, was out of the question. Something told Justin there was a chance Dad might even agree with Taylor’s concerns about getting too close—if only to try to protect his son from any harm.
When the truth was that the only thing that would truly devastate Justin was living without her.
“You’re right,” he said to his brother. “This should be the best day of my life. After all these years of loving Taylor but not being able to tell her or show her, and not knowing if she felt the same way, my mind is blown to find out I’m not the only one who has those feelings.”
“So then I’ll ask again—where are the cartoon hearts?”
“She’s been diagnosed with PKD.”
Drew frowned. “What the hell is PKD? It sounds like the name of a bad metal band.”
“I wish it were.” Justin quickly explained the parameters of the disease to his brother, who looked shell-shocked by the news. “Unless she gets a kidney—and preferably from a live donor—things are likely to get really rough, really fast.”
“Donate yours.” Drew said it as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“I would, in a heartbeat.” Of course, Justin had already thought of that. “But she was so intent on shielding me from her disease that she didn’t even want us to be together. How the heck am I going to convince her to take one of my kidneys?”
“Do you think she’d be more open to taking one of mine?”
Justin had never been a crier. Even when his mother had been sick, he’d pushed tears away with medical books and scientific research up until the very end. But hearing his brother offer to donate a kidney to Taylor without even a moment’s hesitation—
Sometimes a guy couldn’t stop himself from choking up.
“Thanks, Drew.” Emotion at the sacrifice his brother was willing to make made his voice rough. “But if Taylor’s going to have a piece of someone inside her, it’s going to be me.”
As brothers who had shared endless dirty jokes as kids, they both had to laugh at the double meaning of his words, but it was muted humor.
“I’m going to tell her I want to be tested to see if I’m a match.” Now that Justin had made up his mind, he was unwavering. “And if I’m a compatible donor, I’m not going to let her say no.”
“Whatever you need,” his brother said, “just let me know.”
Justin looked in the direction the women had gone. “I’ve got to make a couple of calls to get the ball rolling ASAP. Could you distract Ashley and Taylor in case they come back before I’m done?”
He knew without a shadow of a doubt that since Taylor had only just come on board with dating him, she really wasn’t going to be happy about him wanting to be her donor. If she overheard his calls to the transplant center before he had a chance to talk her around to the idea, it wouldn’t help his case one bit to debate it in front of Drew and Ashley.
“No problem,” Drew agreed.
Justin knew a couple of scientists at the University of California at Davis, which was not only less than an hour away, but also had one of the best kidney-transplant centers in the nation. Thankfully, they were more than happy to connect him with the transplant team, and dropping their names got him an appointment first thing the next morning for the blood tests he and Taylor would have to have to check their compatibility for a transplant.
“Nice work,” Drew said when he put his phone down. “Perfect timing too. Looks like Ash and Taylor are just heading back.”
As he watched the woman he’d always been crazy about laugh with Drew’s fiancée, Justin pushed away every ounce of doubt, letting only hope and love remain. He and Taylor had always been the perfect match for each other. They just needed to be a perfect match again so that he could give her his kidney.
He refused to accept any other possibility.