Chapter 35
Madison
Everything in me wanted to scream out, “I Love You,” to this man, but I was absolutely terrified to do so. I hadn’t said I love you to anyone in a very long time, and those words were harmful enough being kept on the inside, much less exposed to the world. But, regardless of my fears, I couldn’t help but want Zach to know. I loved everything about this man, from his perfectly coiffed hair to his amazingly large heart. Now that the worst was over with Lee, and no one would ever believe a word he said, I was actually able to push past my anger and see that Zach’s intentions were always based on what he thought was best for me.
I snuggled in closer to Zach, with him unaware of what I was thinking about. Everything had been hard on me, yes, but I hadn’t even stopped for two seconds to think about just how hard it was for him. He had to stand back and watch as I worked through my fears, feeling heartbreak every time I didn’t return his calls or messages. He stayed there, waiting for me, because he believed in us enough to make sure not to screw that up, even when I disappeared. I knew we hadn’t said it, but I also knew that this man loved me just as much, if not more, than I loved him. I sat there running my options over and over in my head, and I guessed my face showed that because Zach immediately noticed I wasn’t fully present.
“You okay?”
“More than okay,” I said, smiling. “I want to tell you something.”
“Of course,” he said, stroking my shoulder. “You can tell me anything.”
“I love you, Zach,” I blurted out, not wanting to think, just needing to say it. “I’m in love with you.”
“I love you too, Madison,” he said with a huge smile. “I’ve loved you for quite some time now, but I didn’t want to chase you off by saying it.”
“We need to work on our communication.” I laughed.
He reached forward and put his hands on my face, kissing me hard and long. I could feel the butterflies in my stomach, and my heart began to beat faster. I couldn’t believe we had just said it, the L word. There was a sense of calmness and comfort that came along with saying those words for the first time. I finally felt like Zach and I were really a couple. It took a little time to get there, but there was no doubting that he was the man of my dreams. I watched as he slipped out of the bed and pulled on a pair of jeans, belt, sweatshirt, and shoes. He sat down next to me on the bed and ran his fingers through my hair.
“Come on,” he said, handing me my clothes. “Get dressed. I want to show you something.”
I smiled curiously and pulled myself from under the warm covers. I got dressed and put on the hoodie that he handed over to me. I watched as he grabbed a book bag and stuffed a folded fleece blanket inside, making sure to not zip it up in the teeth of the zipper as he shut it. Once I was dressed, we headed out of the house and into the limo that was waiting out front. I carried the book bag and sat quietly as he spoke to the driver outside of the car. When he climbed back in, I looked at him with curiosity.
“Where are we going?”
“You’ll see.” He chuckled.
We took off down the street, and I watched out the window as we moved out of the city. I looked back at the city lights fading into the background. The suburbs outside the city were peppered with street lamps. It was such a drastic change between the city and the suburbs, and I almost didn’t recognize the place I grew up. We drove for about an hour and a half, finally pulling off and turning down a single lane road off the highway. I looked over at Zach curiously, not understanding what we were doing. He smiled as we turned off down a dirt road that led to a large farm. When we stopped, Zach helped me out of the car and took my hand.
“I know the people that own the place,” he said, leading me past the barn and into a large trimmed field at the back. “They let me come here to collect my mind whenever I need to.”
I shook my head and smiled, still not understanding why he would drive two hours in the middle of the night to stand in a field. We walked out to the center, and he opened his book bag, spreading the blanket out on the ground. He took my hand and pulled me down on the blanket, forcing me to lay on my back. He turned and laid down next to me, looking up at the night sky.
As soon as I turned my head toward the moon, I realized exactly why we were there. Gazing up at the moon, I gasped, never before seeing the sky in this manner, except in pictures. Every single star glistened in the sky, and I could actually see the Milky Way above my head. It was the coolest thing I had ever seen.
I thought this might be one of those things where Zach was going to tell me about the different stars and planets, but he didn’t. He just laid next to me in silence, taking in the vastness of the space in front of us. He reached down and grasped my hand as stars shot across the sky in streaks of light. It was literally one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen. Instantly, my mind relaxed, and all kinds of creative thoughts began to soar through. At that moment, I knew exactly why he had brought me here, and I turned and looked at him.
“Thank you,” I said, smiling. “This was perfect.”
“When I was a kid,” he said, smiling and turning back at the sky. “I just wanted to get away from all of it. The owner of this farm is a friend of my fathers, and he told me to come out, walk to the back, and lay down in the field. So, I did. It was the first time I had actually seen the night sky in my entire life. Sure, there are many nights you can see stars, even in the city, but I never slowed down long enough to the city to actually see them. Ever since then, I come here when I am stuck, stressed, or searching for an answer.”
“Well, this was exactly what I needed,” I said.
“Good,” he replied.
We laid there for about another hour before jumping back in the car and heading toward the city. As we drove, Zach fell asleep with his head in my lap, my hands running through his hair. I watched out the window as we passed house after house, the lights off in the windows. I imagined hundreds of families tucked comfortably in their soft warm beds, their heads resting on the pillows, and life’s stresses fading away into a dream world. I thought about my own life and just how far I had come in the last few months alone. Then it hit me. In just two days, I would be presenting a show. It would display what kind of artist I was, what the inside of my mind looked like in paint, and what I thought about from season to season. But it was also a very real possibility that I would make more money in that one night than I had my entire life up to that point. All of that, the creative freedom, the financial freedom, and the recognition of my work, all hinged on the successful completion of one single painting.
I wasn’t sure what was standing in my way me before, but my head was completely clear now. As I looked down at Zach’s sleeping face, I knew exactly what I wanted to paint. There was no question in the world that this center piece of my art had to include how I got there in the first place, and most of that responsibility was on Zach’s shoulders.
I didn’t realize how much I loved this man until I was able to see the world around me more clearly than before. I knew I loved him, but until my fog cleared, I hadn’t realized just how intense the feeling really was. When we pulled back up at the complex, I leaned down and kissed Zach’s face, waking him up and smiling. He groggily pulled himself from the car, reaching out and pulling me to my feet. We walked quietly through the lobby and climbed into the elevator, exhaustion overtking us both.
Once inside the apartment, we went straight to the bedroom. I brushed my teeth and washed my face before coming out and finding that Zach had passed out face down on the bed, still in his shoes and clothes. I laughed to myself as I walked around to his side and slipped his shoes off, placing them by the bed. I was able to pull his body from his jacket, but that was about it. I pulled the blanket up over him and kissed his head, climbing into the bed next to him. I laid there, staring up at the ceiling as visions of my next piece began coming together in my mind. Suddenly, where nothing existed before, now sat an entire painting ready to be drawn from my imagination and put down on canvas.
I tossed and turned, unable to actually fall asleep from the excitement I felt about finally feeling ready and able to be creative again. Thoughts of Zach and I flew through my mind, and I wondered what I would have done had I not reconnected with him. One thing was for sure. The painting that I was envisioning in my head would be completely different.
Finally, after about an hour of staring impatiently at the ceiling, I gave in and decided that I would just go to the studio and get started on the painting now. It was important to strike while the iron was hot, and my ideas were not going to get any fresher or clearer. I was afraid to leave Zach without telling him, but he was so tired, I couldn’t even wake him to let him know where I was going. I walked out in the living room and grabbed a piece of paper and pen and wrote him a note. I folded the note carefully and took it back into the room, gently resting it on my pillow before pulling on my pants and one of his button up shirts, and quietly walking from the apartment, carrying my heels.
I grabbed a cab back to my apartment so I could change my clothes really fast, and then headed over to the studio. There was no one else in the entire place when I got there, so I collected all my tools, plugged in my iPod, and went to work. I watched my hands as they moved wildly, trying to get the ideas down on the canvas before my brain slipped to something else. I laughed and smiled as my vision started to take shape in front of me. I wondered how I’d gone through the last couple of weeks without this sense of wonder, vision, and excitement. This feeling, as I watched my skills emerge and everything in my mind was transported, was the feeling that made me want to take the chance and be a painter in the first place.
Deep into the night and through the sunrise, my mind pushed my hands across the palette. I was finally feeling like myself again.