Present
Walking through the doors of the restaurant, I glance around, searching for Richard. We’re finally having the dinner date we missed the other night when I was so sick. He’s kept his distance after showing up the day after I fell ill, saying he was letting me have time to get well. I wanted to roll my eyes at his explanation, but it’s Richard. He’s never once been overly concerned or nurturing when I’ve been sick in the last five years. The more I think about it, the more I think Laney is right. Richard and I have an unusual relationship.
It’s worked for us. The benefits were mutual. There weren’t any of the pressures that come from a normal relationship, and we cared enough about one another to respect each other. It was the deal. Every time we tried for more, it didn’t feel right, so we would talk and fall back into our usual pattern. There was never anyone else, and I was okay with that because having someone else created complications.
I spot him sitting at the bar and wave when he sees me too.
“Hey,” I say as I walk up to him and place a kiss on his cheek.
He smiles. “Hey back.”
Taking a seat next to him, I pick up the drink menu.
“Should we order an appetizer and just sit here?” I ask without looking up at him, continuing to skim the menu.
Placing his hand over mine, Richard sighs my name. “Cassandra.” I hear a quiver in his voice, like saying my name caused him pain.
Lifting my eyes to regard him, I examine his face. “What is it?”
A sad smile forms on his features. “You know. This is really your conversation anyway.”
Swiveling in my chair to face him, I raise my eyebrow in question. “Oh? My conversation? That’s strange, because I don’t recall having a conversation planned for tonight other than the typical back-and-forth banter between two people in an intimate relationship.”
His smile disappears. “Oh come on, Cassandra. It’s been coming for months now.” He takes a drink of his whiskey on the rocks. “We agreed from the beginning to always be honest.”
“And I’ve never been anything but honest.”
“Really? Because I feel like lately, you’re lying to both of us, especially to yourself.” His tone is accusing, and I don’t like it.
I can feel my face flushing red. “What in the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“It means this”—he waves his hand between us—“doesn’t work for you anymore.”
“Did you really just speak for me? Maybe it’s that this relationship doesn’t work for you anymore and you’re projecting.” My words are quiet, but my tone is loud.
“Cassandra, I’ll be honest, it isn’t working for me anymore, but you need to be honest too.” He gently takes my hand. “You have been skirting around what we’re doing for months. You want more, and I’m not sure I do. I could keep doing this, but you can’t, not to mention…Paxton.”
I was hearing what he was saying until he mentioned Paxton—then he lost me.
“Paxton?” I blow out a breath. “Dammit, Richard. I told you there is nothing going on!” My head is starting to hurt because I’m gritting my teeth. My irritation level has never been this high with him.
“You can say it as much as you want, but there’s something there. Be honest. Shit, you got distant the moment he walked into your birthday party, and it’s progressively gotten worse. Then you got sick, and he took care of you, not me.”
“That’s your fault!” I interrupted him. “Not mine. I can’t believe you’re going to blame that on me! I’m the one who should be pissed, but no—no, I understood.”
“You didn’t let me finish. When I walked into your room the next morning to him sleeping beside you, I knew. I will always love you, but let’s be real, you and I as a couple is just comfortable for us. We aren’t together for any other reason, and we’ve let this whole semi-committed relationship go on for too long.”
I look down at our hands. Mine is in his, and I feel nothing. There are no butterflies, and there isn’t any real sadness. If I allow myself to be honest, really, I almost feel relief. He’s right, I want more, and the reality is I’ve known the more I want is not with him. I’ve been holding on to the dependability of us because I’m scared of what I want and the possibility of it not working out.
“God, you’re right.” I look up at him with tears in my eyes. A lone tear falls. “I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. I-I wasn’t trying to be dishonest. I think I’ve hung on to us for all the wrong reasons.” I take a deep breath.
“Cassandra, I didn’t think you were, and honestly, we’ve both stayed in this for the wrong reasons. I can admit, I’ve been selfish. Our agreement for this crazy relationship is every guy’s fantasy—no real strings, no questions asked, but faithfulness from a girl who’s beautiful and kind, a girl you love. I do, you know—love you—but if I really loved you the way you deserve, I would’ve asked you to marry me already.” Richard lifts my hand and touches his lips to my palm. It’s the most intimate we’ve been in weeks.
“Don’t apologize, you’ve been good to me. I didn’t ask for more because I knew there wasn’t really the forever kind of love between us. I’m just finally allowing myself to recognize how I’ve felt for a long time.”
He reaches for me, embracing me with care and a respectful kind of love.
We sit and hold one another. Neither of us cares what anyone around us may think. Richard and I respect our unusual relationship. Pulling away, he kisses me lightly on my cheek before throwing back his whiskey and standing to leave. I watch him and think of the sweet moments, the hard moments, and all of the times I knew deep down this didn’t work for me.
Leaning down, he whispers in my ear, “Be happy, Cassandra.” Then Richard walks away.
I don’t know how long I sit there after he leaves, but I sip my wine until there isn’t a drop left. Standing, I walk slowly, all the way back to the apartment. The walk home is a blur.
When I reach the door, I dig through my purse, suddenly realizing I left my key on the bar. I don’t feel like knocking or moving or even attempting to call Paxton, so I slide down to the floor with my back against the door and I cry. I cry for the last five years, and then I sob for all the years I spent hating someone because it was so much easier than the alternative.