Chapter 27

Grant

Had I gone too far? Again? As Kendra stormed past me, leaving me alone in the VIP section to stew in the filth I had just created, this was the question I was forced to ask myself.

The big joke was that I had gone to the store with the intention of turning everything around. I had left my home, I had left Loren in particular, excited by the fact that I was going to come down to the store and apologize to Kendra.

It had been over a week since I had last seen her, and in that time, I had reflected on everything that had happened between Kendra and me in the last few weeks. I came to the conclusion that most of the mistakes had been made by me. I was constantly punishing her for something that happened in the past and for my own inability to get over those old wounds. I knew that and was fully prepared to move on.

And then I walked into the VIP room.

Seeing her locked in the arms of another man—kissing another man! I hadn’t felt pain like that in as long as I could remember. It felt like a knife to the heart. More than that, it felt like someone had torn my heart out and shown it to me. Like they had put it on display for the world to see, for everyone to stand around and laugh at, to make fun of. Oh look how small and miserable his heart is. What a pathetic display.

So I reacted in the only way I knew how. And now, I was solemnly regretting my decision.

“Kendra, wait,” I yelled out as I followed her from the VIP room. Luckily, she hadn’t managed to bolt from the store yet, allowing me to chase her down and cut off her means of escape. “Just give me a second to explain.”

“Why are you here, Grant?” she asked, stopping short. She really had no choice since I stood in the entranceway to the store. “What do you want?”

“I didn’t come here to fight. I came here to give you the molds. Not the store, but you.”

“Me? I don’t want them. Why the hell would I want them? I’m not going to eat my own pussy. That’s just weird.” The entire store was watching us now, and I was very aware of it.

“Can we just go somewhere and talk?”

“No,” she said, resolutely. “You came here. You followed me out. You cut me off. Now tell me, why would I want those molds?”

“So you can decide what to do with them,” I said. “You can throw them out, burn them, keep them, eat them, sell them. I don’t know. Whatever the hell you want. They’re yours, as far as I am concerned. You should have the right to choose what to do with them.”

“Oh,” she responded, clearly caught off guard by my humane offer. But it didn’t last long. “And so what? The fact that those even exist—”

“That’s another thing,” I cut in. I didn’t want her raising her voice again, but also, I wanted a chance to say I was sorry before she forced it out of me. I wanted her to know I was apologizing of my own volition. “I should have never made you come with me to Atlantic City, and I should have never made you be a model for these. I did it for my own reasons. I was mad at you and wanted to hurt you. It was a shitty thing to do. For that, I am sorry.”

I could see her visibly relaxing as my words washed over her. I could even feel the tension between us melting a bit.

She looked at me with an uncertain expression. “So if I were to throw these out? That’s okay?”

I nodded. “I would support you in that decision. Like I said. I’m sorry. I should have never made you go through that. Ever.”

And that was that. I had done what I came here to do. Things had gotten off to a rocky start, but I’d managed to turn things around. I turned and exited the store. In truth, I wanted to get out of there on what could be considered a high note. I was still feeling enraged and only kept a check on my emotions for the good of the store. And for Kendra’s sake.

Unfortunately, despite my words, I was still mad at her. And the most fucked up thing was that it was for reasons that weren’t even her fault. Seeing her with that guy only served to remind me that I would never be comfortable around her. I would never trust her, regardless of what she did to prove that she was trustworthy. There would always be tension there, no matter what the circumstances.

I wanted to be with her. More than anything. But I just didn’t think that I had it in me. Best to say goodbye and move on.

“Grant! Grant, wait up!” Kendra called out from behind me. I turned, trying to keep my face passive as I watched her come toward me. Damn, she looked good, too. That was the hardest part. If she even just once didn’t look so divine, then it might have been easier to move on.

“Hey,” I said simply as she stopped in front of me.

“Hey,” she responded, awkwardly. And for a moment, it was just that. We stood on the street, staring at one another until she finally spoke again. “So, thanks for that apology. I really didn’t expect it.”

“That’s okay. You deserve it,” I tried my hardest to keep my voice free of emotion, and to keep my eyes on her face and off her body.

“So, um, what now?” she asked. “I thought you might want to do something.”

“Kendra, I can’t. I have to stop you. I have to stop us. Now. Before anything else happens.”

“What do you mean?”

I took a deep breath and prepared to open up. I hadn’t opened up to Kendra since that day in the VIP section when I told her how much I cared for her. I had done it because I knew that it was what she needed to hear. I did it because I knew that would set us down the right path. Now, I needed to be honest like that with her again. However, this time was for a totally different reason. This time it was to keep her away.

“I can’t do this anymore, Kendra. You and me. We can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Please, let me finish,” I said simply, waiting for her to nod her agreement before continuing. “I also thought that I was ready to see you again. I did. That was why I came down here today. But then I saw you, and I got so damn angry. So angry, it scares me a little. I was reminded of the past. Of high school. I’m always reminded of that whenever I see you. That’s why I treat you the way I do. And it might not be your fault, and you might prove to me one hundred times that you have changed, but it still won’t be enough. I’m always going to be jealous and blame you for something you can’t change. Better to end it now than walk into inevitable pain.”

I turned to leave, content with letting this be the end of it. But she reached out, grabbed my arm, and turned me back to face her. It was an action that I’d done to her so many times when I was trying to change her mind. “Wait,” she begged. “How about we go and get some lunch?”

“No, I don’t think so,” I replied, slowly pulling my arm from her grip. “Like I said, it’s not your fault. There’s nothing you can do. The past is the past, and it can’t be changed. Neither can my opinion of it. I’m sorry.”

And then I left for good. She didn’t try to stop me or change my mind. Like I had said, she wouldn’t have been able to, anyway. She didn’t cry or beg. Instead, she just watched me go and I was sure that now she finally understood everything.

And even though I understood as well, even though I had finally admitted it to both myself and to her, I still wasn’t sure that I had done the right thing. I hoped that I had. I hoped that over time, I would realize that me and her could never be together. It just wasn’t in the cards. But still, a part of me desperately loved her. Despite how much pain and grief she brought me, I still wasn’t convinced that I had done the sane thing.

I still loved Kendra Lange.