After Derek leaves to go back to Seattle, with another tension filled discussion in the lobby of his hotel, time seems to drag and fly at the same time.

September flies by, and October arrives with its annual Halloween costume debacle. Every year, Lennon tells me she wants to be one thing, so I buy the costume, only to be told three days before the spookiest night of the year that she wants to be something else. The month also brings with it more stress at work, preparing the colder climate national parks for the change in the seasons. Nights are sometimes late, and early bird me also likes to start on Christmas shopping before the malls and stores get crazy in November and December.

My autumn is also filled with Jake, who practically lives with us now. His toothbrush is in the bathroom, his sneakers and socks are tossed by the front door. He picks up takeout on his way home, sometimes surprising Lennon with his newest flavor of ice cream as a treat. Once a weekend, he’ll take her by the construction on the new storefront, or for a ride around one of the neighborhoods in the truck. We’re better than ever, even if we do have our fights about leaving dishes in the sink or throwing the comforter off the bed in the middle of the night.

In some ways, the clock doesn’t seem to stand still. But in others, I’m just waiting for the axe to fall. I’ve only received the occasional call from Derek since he left a month ago, and he usually asks me straight away to put his daughter on the phone. He never mentions filing for custody or what he has up his sleeve; he just leaves me dangling, with little passive aggressive sharks biting into my brain with doubt-filled teeth. Not knowing is the worst part. Sometimes I’ll wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, wondering if I should be protecting myself. Wondering if I should get a lawyer or … do something.

But he still could be bluffing, and if I make a move, there is no telling what damage I could do before he has a chance to back down. I feel like I’m navigating hot lava, trying very hard to stay still or move only when absolutely necessary.

Trying to push it out of my head, I focus on the Internet browser in front of me. Princess birthday invitations light up the screen, and I add them to my cart. Next month is Lennon’s fourth birthday, and we’re doing a birthday party at the local trampoline place. She won’t stop babbling about it, and it’s over a month away … I find it hilariously cute.

“Does she have her costume ready?” Jake walks in the door, his face resembling a hyped up puppy.

“I thought we weren’t leaving for another hour …” He breezes by me, planting a kiss on my cheek as he searches for Lennon.

“I’m ready!” She pops out of her room in her costume, and I burst into laughter.

For some reason, she insisted on being that hippo from the Cincinnati Zoo. She loved Fiona, the animal Instagram star, and so we’d pieced together her costume with gray and purple sweats. I’d found hippo ears and a nose online, and added some lettuce leaves on her sleeves because we knew that Fiona liked to eat those. She looked adorable, and I loved her creativity.

It was a rather easy costume, and I thanked my lucky stars that she hadn’t wanted to be something that involved sewing fifty two pieces together.

“Look at you! Cuter than any baby hippo I’ve ever seen.” He scoops her up, making what I can only assume are his best hippo noises. “You ready to go Truck or Treating?”

“YEAH!” She pumps a fist in the air.

“Mommy, you have to get in your costume.” Jake smiles at me, mischief in his eye.

I roll my eyes, annoyed that I even have to dress up. “You know, last year all I did was trail behind her and hold the pillow sack. Can’t I just do that again?”

“No!” They both say in unison.

Twenty minutes later and we’re all in our costumes, headed down to the car.

“I don’t understand why I had to be the giraffe,” I mutter, annoyed.

“Because the skin tight spotted suit so wasn’t going to fit me. Plus, your ass looks better,” Jake whispers as he closes Lennon’s door.

I swear to God, he only ordered this because I look like Catwoman … except, well, I’m a giraffe. He’s in a penguin costume, claiming he had to be a penguin to peddle ice cream around on Halloween.

Or correction, the day before Halloween. Since some of the neighborhoods around DC weren’t particularly kid friendly, or safe, Jake and some of his food truck friends had set this up two years ago. Truck or Treating happened the day before Halloween, in a local park where they all got permits to park. They sold their products, but also had huge tubs of candy out front for the kids to go truck to truck. And twenty percent of the proceeds were donated to charities to help at-risk youth around the city.

If I didn’t already think he was a superhero, Jake just grew ten feet in my eyes.

Plus, it would give Lennon somewhere to experience a real Halloween in DC. She probably didn’t remember it, but back in Seattle, we lived in a townhouse bordered by a bunch of other young families with children. In our apartment, she really wouldn’t get that same experience. I was thinking about taking her to Mom’s neighborhood, but this would be a great bonus.

“Oh my God, there are so many people here.” I couldn’t help being surprised as we parked and got out of the car.

Parked along the sidewalk and overlooking a grassy park were over a dozen food trucks, people lined up at them to buy some grub. Children in costumes of all sorts ran through the park, yelling and laughing and trading candy.

“I told you, it’s a big deal.” Jake holds my hand as he hoists Lennon up on his waist. “I’m kind of a regular charity superstar.”

“Can it, Bono.” I walk to Cones & Corks and see Alice already scooping.

“’Sup, guys?!” Jake’s business partner waves at us, and Lennon shrinks back a bit.

To be honest, I think Lennon forgets who Alice is because she is constantly changing the color of her hair. Today it is bright neon yellow, and I wonder where she even found a dye that color. She’s dressed like some kind of zombie rockstar, and I’m afraid she might be scaring the children but don’t say anything because I’m cautious of what she’ll say in front of my daughter. While I like Alice, and I know she means well, she isn’t exactly kid friendly.

“You think maybe you could have gone with a little bit more G-rated of a costume?” Jake laughs.

Well, at least he isn’t afraid to say something.

“Lennon, never work for someone else. The boss is always ragging on your balls.” She shoots my daughter a silly look, which makes her laugh.

“Alice, really? Language.” I chuckle, but can’t be too mad. She’s kind of lovably annoying.

“Great turnout, we’ve sold out of two flavors already. Go on out, I’ll hold down the fort. Lennon, I expect your pillowcase to be full of candy when you get back, so get to it. Score some Twizzlers for Aunt Alice.” Alice nods at her and salutes, going to help the next customer.

We went back out, walking to the first truck. Lennon ran a little ahead of us, familiar with some of the truck owners now that Jake had been taking her around some of the festivals recently.

“You look incredible. This penguin definitely wants to mate with you.” He leaned into me, doing some kind of weird sniffing, animal thing.

I lean into him, unable to stop from smiling even if I was annoyed that he made me wear this costume. “That would be a pretty weird looking baby.”

“But it would be fun trying to make it. We would make some pretty adorable babies.”

He says it so off the cuff that it catches me by surprise. Over the course of the past few months, we’ve become more intimate and closer then I guess I realized. Jake has become one of the people I turn to most in my life, he’s practically living in our apartment, we don’t do anything where he isn’t involved. He’s becoming closer to Lennon, and now I guess we were talking about babies?

Fuck. Our babies would be so adorable.

I never really thought about having more kids. Sure, maybe when Derek and I were still together and Lennon was one or so, it was a pipe dream that our family would grow. But when things began to get tough, I kind of put those thoughts out of my mind.

Having a family with Jake. It was an idea I hadn’t really considered before, as we had said we were going slow at the very beginning. Since then, there hadn’t really been a conversation about where this was going or how serious it was, it just kind of progressed through those steps and we’d become inseparable.

I realize I’ve been silent for a few seconds, and Jake is looking at me with a look that says, “maybe I shouldn’t have said that.”

“We would … so long as they have your dimples.” My grin is far off, thinking about what little Jake/Samantha kids would look like.

“And your eyes.” His look into said eyes is deeper than the joking atmosphere we’d been teasing in before.

Sometimes, I forgot how young I still was, because as a single mom, I didn’t much feel like it. But clearly, my boyfriend was thinking about things beyond right now. He was considering a future, a life with me. And maybe it wasn’t such a pipe dream to think about what that could be.