The loud clack of the bat connecting with the ball resonated in the air, the vibrations of the connection traveling up through my hands and arms and echoing through my body. It didn’t fly far, but it reached the other end of the cage and hit the fence before falling to the ground with a bounce.

There were a few seconds of stunned silence before laughter and cheers went up in a burst of excitement. I looked over to see the entire club lining the fence, grins on their faces, clapping their hands.

Ham was still looking at me from the other end, smirking, like he’d expected me to hit the damn ball the whole time. Or maybe just impressed that I had.

I let out a stunned laugh and shook my head, ignoring everyone and tossing the helmet to the ground, followed by the bat. “I’ll get the keys from Chelsea and meet you over at Optimus’ truck,” I told him quickly as I sped past him at almost a jog and ducked out the small gate.

Chelsea was leaning against a picnic table, dangling the keys in one hand and bouncing one of the twins in the other. Which one, I wasn’t sure, because they were identical. I had no idea how Chelsea and Optimus told them apart. She tossed me the keys which I juggled awkwardly but finally closed my fist round, my hands still shaking in shock that I’d hit the damn ball.

Just as I turned to walk away, she spoke, “You know, Optimus pushed me away for years. He was constantly going on about how he was doing it to protect me.” I froze on the spot, hearing Chelsea’s words. “Sometimes they do stupid shit. But they do it because they care.”

“I guess that’s why everyone kept the fact he hadn’t slept with Jess, and that he’d been arrested and locked up to themselves?”

I should have bitten my tongue.

I was being a fucking bitch, and it didn’t taste good.

Not to someone who had always tried to help and support me.

Chelsea didn’t deserve my smart mouth, but she laughed anyway.

I shook my head. “Jesus Christ, I’m acting like a brat.”

She came forward, her hand reaching out and cupping my face. “Baby girl, when you’re hurt, you get to act whatever way you feel allows you to express yourself and your emotions. Fuck everyone else.” There was no judgment in her eyes. It was like she heard me loud and clear, even when I felt like I was shouting and nothing was coming out. “This life, it doesn’t work the way the normal world does. There are rules we choose to follow because of love. Not just the love of our men, but the love of this amazing family we surround ourselves with. If those rules aren’t something you can live with, no one would think any less of you for choosing not to be Ham’s Old Lady. We would still love you.”

There was a reason that Chelsea was Optimus’ Old Lady, and I guess what you would call the first lady of the club. She knew what to say. She knew this life in and out, and she understood it wasn’t for everyone.

It was a hard pill to swallow when I thought a few months ago that I’d found the place where I felt at home and where my heart wanted to stay.

Not to say that my heart still wasn’t drawn there.

But now it was just a little more bruised and unsure.

“For the record,” Chelsea went on to add, grabbing my attention again before I sunk too far into my pity party for one. “I think you’ve known all along the clubhouse was home.”

She was wrong.

The clubhouse wasn’t home.

The people there were home.

Ham was home.

He was the warmth, the comfort, the safety—all things someone wanted in the place that they called home. But it just happened that for a few moments, he’d locked me out and left me in the rain.

I swallowed the lump of emotion in my throat. It was hard and painful trying to force it back down, but honestly, I was at the point where I’d felt so many emotions just in the past few hours, that my mind couldn’t keep up. I seriously was starting to feel like I was losing my head.

It’s hard to fight against something or someone you love so much.

He may not have cheated. But saying sorry was never going to change the impact his choices had made on my life.

I could smash a mirror into pieces and then look it and say sorry, but it wasn’t going to magically all join back together into what it had been before. You’ve got to work at it, one piece at a time with some damn strong glue. And even then, it was never going to be perfect.

But who the hell wants perfect anyway.

“Thanks, Chelsea,” I murmured, forcing a smile. “I’ll be back soon. Once I sort him out.”

Chelsea leaned forward and pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Take your time. I think the two of you need it. I don’t think Macy will even notice you’re gone.”

I looked over to see my little cousin laughing and chasing Levi and Dice around the water park, surprised she could still move with the constant laughter flowing from her. I would have probably been on the ground trying not to pee my pants by now.

I turned and headed for the truck.

Ham was already waiting patiently, leaning against the front of the monstrous machine. “You want me to drive?” Ham offered, not because he thought I couldn’t do it, but most likely seeing the way my eyes widened worriedly the closer I got to the vehicle and the bigger it seemed to grow.

I shook my head. “Nope. I’ll be fine.” Then proceeded to heave my body up into the driver’s seat which was almost like being back in sixth grade and trying to climb the jungle gym in the playground.

The clubhouse was about forty minutes away. If I was going to make it through this, rules were needed. I pushed the keys into the ignition, but before I turned it over, I twisted my body to look at Ham. He was leaning back in the passenger’s seat, his hand pressed to his side and a few drops of sweat beading his brow. I could tell he was in pain, even if he’d spent the past two hours already trying to fight it and make like he wasn’t.

I was surprised Optimus allowed him to last this long.

“Have you taken any pain meds?”

He instantly sat a little straighter, like he was magically feeling better. “I’m okay. Let’s just get going.”

“You’re not okay.”

“Meyah…” It was a slow growl and a warning, but not one that I was going to put up with.

“Here’s the deal. I played your little game, and I won. Now you can play mine.” He wasn’t impressed. I didn’t care. “You take the pain meds I know you have on you, and you don’t talk the entire ride back to the clubhouse, and I won’t make a detour to the hospital to get them to check you out because I can tell you’re hurting.”

“I don’t need to go back to the hospital,” he protested, rolling his eyes and cringing as he tried to relax back into the seat.

I knew the cut wasn’t big, but it was obviously enough to be causing him a lot of discomfort. Probably due to the fact he wasn’t resting it like he should have been and was out throwing balls around and exerting himself.

“That’s my deal. Take it or leave it.”

There were a few beats of silence where I thought he might object.

Instead, he nodded. “Fine.”

I let out a long breath of relieved air. Knowing I was going to be able to get him back to the clubhouse without an argument, or even a word that might set me off, I was thankful. I just wanted to survive the next forty minutes without crying, or fighting, or losing my shit.

All things I was sure were going to happen over this weekend, but I couldn’t handle right now while I was trying to maneuver this hulking machine. Before I put it in drive, I pulled out my cell phone and shot a quick text to Skins, who I knew was out doing a few things for the club and asked him to meet us at the clubhouse.

Then I allowed myself a silent smile in victory as I started the engine and pulled out of the parking lot.

Ham held up his end of the deal and stared out the window the entire time, not even speaking to criticize my driving, which I had to admit at times was not so great. Going from driving Mom’s Mazda hatchback to a truck that rivaled King Kong was a huge difference, and suddenly, things like roads and lanes and other vehicles were so freaking small.

I pulled up outside the club, leaving the motor running.

He looked over at me. “Not even going to walk me inside like a true babysitter should?”

“I’m not your babysitter.”

He snorted. “Seemed that way when you leaped at the chance to send me home and get the hell away from me.”

I raised my eyebrow, fighting a growing smile. “Are you sulking? I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were that excited about a child’s fifth birthday.”

His response was to throw the door of the truck open and leap down from the cab like a child throwing a tantrum. I couldn’t stop the giggle that bubbled up in my throat. Then he hit the ground, cursed loudly and groaned in pain. I immediately turned the engine off, threw the door open and climbed down. The second my feet hit the ground, I rushed around the side of the vehicle. He was leaning against the side, his hand pressed against his hip.

“You stubborn idiot,” I scolded, reaching out and pulling back his cut. There was a small stain of red on his white T-shirt beneath. I sighed, tugging on his arm. “Come on, I bet you’ve screwed up your stitches.”

He grumbled as he followed my lead toward the clubhouse door. It was strange feeling it so empty, the only person in the entire place was Neil who sat out by the front gate nearly falling asleep.

I managed to help him up the staircase and got him into his bedroom, moving at a snail’s pace, just as the roar of Skin’s motorcycle filled the air.

“Can you help me lift my shirt off?” he asked as he managed to slip his club cut off with only a slight cringe. The sulky attitude was gone. Now, he just seemed resigned. I felt like I was riding some kind of weird wave of Hamlet emotions.

“Yeah,” I agreed, walking over and taking the club cut from his hand and moving to hang on the back of his desk chair before heading back and reaching for the hem of his shirt. He watched me, his eyes following me across the room and back again. I tried to ignore the way it made me feel, the butterflies it stirred in my stomach reminding me of how things used to be.

I would come to the clubhouse and sit downstairs and do my homework. He would wander, man the bar, clean, watch the kids with me constantly in his eye line.

Yeah, it was fucking weird.

But it was strangely us.

I cleared my throat, stepping forward and reaching for the hem of his shirt. “How did you even get this on this morning?” I joked, partially. I had no idea honestly.

He cringed. “Don’t ask.”

I directed him to lift one of his arms, scrunching up the shirt and pulling the arm on his good side though the sleeve before slipping it over his head and down the other side with little pain. The moment his body was on display, my brain became scrambled, and all I could do was stare straight ahead at his chest, the armored tattoo that covered his chest and heart was one of my favorites.

My eyes fell lower to his ribs, the gross yellow color of fading bruising looking like someone had colored him in with a magic marker. “Jesus Christ,” I whispered, not like the amount of damage that had been done, and feeling my throat begin to close as tears hammered at my wavering defenses. “Why didn’t you just let me be there for you? Why did you have to be so damn stubborn?”

My fingers brushed over the dirty coloring, my brain reminding me this was him healing, that it was worse than this at some point. That there was probably a time where he couldn’t move. Where it hurt for him to breathe, and I was off at fucking college thinking about myself.

Still running away from my problems.

Still pretending like I was going to just be able to get over Ham and move on, like he wasn’t everything to me and more.

His hand reached up, brushing my hair back from my face and dipping his head to press his lips to the top of my head. “I made a mistake,” he murmured, dropping his lips down further to my forehead. “But whether or not I was an idiot then, doesn’t matter now. ‘Cause I’m done being without you.”

So was I.

My eyes fell closed, and I leaned into his energy.

It was warm and welcoming and safe.

“All right,” Skins announced as he stepped through the door, not even blinking at the intimate moment we were having. “Where’s the patient?”

The moment was gone, and I fell back with a heavy sigh.

Surely it didn’t have to be this hard?