I’m dead. Or at least I tell myself that as I sneak out of the back door of my parents’ house. Will, my older brother, would kill me if he found out about me meeting his best friend at the swing set at the edge of our properties. I’ve been hanging out with Ethan Waters behind my brother’s back for months. We wait until after midnight, when our houses are silent, and then we drink soda and eat junk food while we rehash our days.

My heart speeds up knowing that Ethan is waiting for me in the backyard. Every nerve ending in my body comes alive from the forbidden act I am about to commit with Ethan. We both know what we are doing is wrong. But do we care? Not really. And it’s not like we ever crossed the line, despite the nagging desire to kiss Ethan every time he’s within twenty feet of me.

If Will ever finds out about our secret friendship, he would flip. Ever since Ethan moved from Boston to the suburbs of Philadelphia last year, we danced around the idea of us being together. The closer he gets to high school graduation the more nervous I am about our relationship. We have become friends, and some days, I need him a lot more than he needs me. I live for the nights when we have this special time to ourselves. With my brother always around, I can never get close to Ethan.

I shut the door behind me, doing my best not to make a sound. My parents turned off their light twenty minutes ago, forcing me to wait for Will. But he never sleeps. Once I heard his PlayStation turn on, and the sound of bombs penetrate the wall we share, I crept down the back stairwell. Almost every night I repeat the same routine.

A small part of me likes sneaking around with Ethan because of the risk involved. It’s exciting. Being with Ethan is unlike any other experience I have had with a boy. Well, he’s not a boy. Ethan is a man now, not even close to the awkward boys at my school.

What I like most about Ethan is that he never treats me like Will’s little sister. But my brother is protective of me. The first time he caught Ethan staring at my lips for longer than normal he went ballistic. Ethan never looked at me again that way. At least not in front of Will.

When I reach the swings, Ethan has his feet planted on the ground, staring down at his feet. My heart aches at the sight of him. He looks so depressed that I instinctively crouch down in front of him and wait for him to raise his head. Our eyes meet, the electric current flowing between us sending a chill down my spine.

“Hey,” he says under his breath. His eyes are red-rimmed and glassy.

“Hey yourself.” I grab his knees to stabilize myself, and Ethan clasps my wrists with his calloused hands. A brush of heat dances along my skin, making me dizzy from the connection between us.

I take in his manly scent, a hint of laundry detergent mixed with musk, and stare into his green eyes. A strand of shaggy brown hair falls over his forehead, giving him an unkempt look that I have come to appreciate. He’s the hottest boy in the neighborhood. Hell, Ethan Waters is the hottest boy in the entire city. And he’s here with me, of all people.

“Why do you look so bummed?”

He shrugs, still holding onto me. “My dad. You know, the usual.” Ethan turns his head to the side, the moonlight hitting his tanned skin just right. Ethan releases his grip on me and touches the scar above his left eyebrow. He winces, something he does all the time, as if what gave him that scar still haunts him.

Ethan and his parents have issues, about what I have no idea. He likes to make jokes about bad situations, where I tend to shut down. Sometimes, my family can hear the Waters’ screaming at each other from the other side of the fence. Mr. Waters is an asshole to the highest degree. If Ethan as much as slacks off at hockey practice, loses a game or gets less than an A in school, he gets a lashing from his father. Anything less than perfect is unacceptable.

Ethan says his father is only trying to toughen him up, but I disagree. I’m here to listen—not to tell Ethan what to do. That’s why our arrangement works so well. He talks about hockey, school, and his parents without any judgment from me. The only topic we never discuss is girls, and I prefer to keep it that way for my sanity. I would go crazy knowing that my crush has any interest in girls that are not me.

I get up from the crouched position in front of Ethan and sit on the swing next to him. “I’m here if you want to talk about anything.”

He turns his head so that our eyes meet and smiles. “I’d rather hear about your day. Tell me something good.”

Ethan starts all of our conversations the same way. No matter how bad of a night he’s having, he always wants to know more about me. I love that he puts me first. In fact, I love everything about Ethan. But he’s off-limits. My brother would never understand our relationship, and my parents would have a fit given our four-year age difference.

On occasion, my mom makes comments to me about the way I look at Ethan. She’s even more concerned about the way he looks at me as if I’m the only person in the entire room. That feeling consumes me, pushes me through some of the worst days at school.

I wish I could go to high school with Ethan and my brother. Middle school sucks, and so do the catty girls who torment me on a daily basis. Ethan has his shitty dad, and I have the mean girls in my grade. We bonded over our mutual commiseration.

“Other than being here with you?”

I blush ten shades of red from my cheeks to my chest. What was I thinking? I am never this forward. The words fell from my lips before I could stop myself from saying them aloud.

Ethan gives me one of his boyish grins that make my heart skip a beat. “Just so you know, Mia, I like talking to you, too. Sometimes, I feel like you are the only person who gets me.”

I grab hold of the metal ropes and push back to swing myself off the ground, the nerves bubbling up in my chest. “What about my brother? Don’t you talk to him?”

Ethan falls in line with me, his long legs dangling in the air as he matches my pace. “I don’t know. Will says stupid shit that doesn’t help the situation anytime I try to talk to him about my parents. And you know how he acts when it comes to hockey.”

“Like he’s too good for everyone,” I joke, though I mean it.

He nods. “Yup. He’s such a cocky bastard.”

“You are better than him, E. So, I don’t see why it would bother you.”

I was attracted to Ethan from the start. It’s hard not to be with his rugged good looks and lazy grins that slice into my chest. What had started out as me writing M + E in my notebook soon became his nickname. Ethan never corrects me when I call him that. Sometimes, he calls me his little lamb. I don’t get the reference, but I like it. I like that we have a special connection.

He cocks an eyebrow at me. “You think so?”

I bob my head. “I know so, and I’m not just saying that because I like you and my brother gives me a hard time. I have watched all of your games over the past year and some of your practices. You and my brother will go pro together. I do not doubt it.”

Ethan sighs. “I will miss you, Mia.”

His words hit me like a punch to the gut. How do I respond? Confused and upset, I choose to ignore his comment.

Ethan grabs my hand and holds it until our feet hit the ground. “I’m leaving right after graduation.”

My heart plummets into my chest when I count down the days. Four more days. I have four more days with Ethan. I cannot breathe, the sickness rising from the back of my throat, choking me. He cannot do this to me.

No. Please. Don’t leave me.

I want to say all of this to Ethan, but the words never come out.

“Promise me that you will meet me here after my graduation party. I don’t want to waste a second of the time we have left.”

“Okay, I’ll be here.”

Ethan squeezes my hand once more and smiles. “Good. Now, tell me about your day. I want to hear all about it. Give me the worst and best moments.”

I suck in a deep breath, holding it far too long before I let it out. The worst part of my day now has to do with Ethan, but I can’t bring myself to tell him the truth. We have four days together. I cannot ruin them.

“Well, I already told you one of the best.”

He chuckles. “If hanging out with me is even in your top five, then I can’t imagine the worst one.”

I smile through the fear and pain of losing Ethan and hope that our last night together is one that I will remember forever.

* * *

After helping my mother clean up the mess left over from Will’s graduation party, I have trouble keeping my eyes open. But I have to push through if I want to see Ethan before he leaves for wherever he’s headed. He still hasn’t told me where he’s going, and I have been too afraid to ask.

My brother hasn’t said a word about it either, which is weird. Doesn’t Will know that Ethan is going somewhere? Or is he only saying goodbye to our secret friendship? I haven’t been able to concentrate since Ethan hit me with that bomb. I knew our nights together would end at some point. Still, I am not ready for him to leave me. I need him. Ethan Waters is my only real friend.

My mom hands me the last dish to dry and leans against the counter with a loud groan. “What a long day, huh? I have one kid graduating from high school and the other on her way there. My children are growing up too fast. I wish you could stay this age forever.”

I wipe the last beads of water from the ceramic dish and reach up on my tippy toes to put it in the cabinet with the rest of the baking pans.

“Unfortunately, you are stuck with me for a few more years,” I deadpan.

She laughs and pushes herself away from the island in the center of the kitchen, moving toward me. Mom wraps her arms around me and squeezes the life from my body, her warmth leeching into my skin the tighter she holds me. “My kids are growing up too fast.” She releases me from her grip and takes a step back. “Well, I think I’m going to take a shower before bed. Don’t stay up too late watching TV.”

It’s the weekend, so I have more freedom than if it were a school night. Plus, school is almost over. Will graduated this afternoon, but my middle school has another week left until summer vacation begins.

“I won’t. Maybe I will do the same.”

“Okay, kiddo. Goodnight.”

“Night, Mom.”

My dad was out back with a few of his friends the last time I saw him. I hope he’s not planning to hang out there all night, throwing horseshoes and drinking like he does when we have parties. That would screw up my time with Ethan.

After my mom leaves the kitchen, Will comes stumbling in with a petite blonde girl on his arm. She reminds me of a Barbie with her perfect hair, teeth, and skin. Will has a type—hot and easy—and this girl meets his basic requirements.

“Will,” she giggles, smacking him on the arm. “Stop it.” She lowers her voice and glances at me. “Not in front of your sister.”

He has his hands all over her, and I want to vomit on the spot. Gross. I hate seeing my brother engaged in public displays of affection with mystery girls.

“I’m in the room, too, thank you very much, William Matthew Roman,” I say, wiping my hands on a dishtowel hung on the wall next to the sink.

Will snaps his head around to face me, searching my face. “Nothing you haven’t seen before, baby sis.” He winks. Jerk.

I step toward him, the stench of beer coming out of his pores, and wave my hand in front of my face. “You reek, Will.”

“Wait until you’re in high school, kid. You will be doing the same thing.” He stops to reconsider his comment. “Don’t do the same thing when you are my age. And stay far away from guys like me.”

I laugh. “No problem. I can do both without batting an eyelash.”

The blonde girl hops up and onto the counter, her sandals falling off her feet the more comfortable she gets. She pulls my brother to her and giggles again, nestling her face in the crook of his neck when he steps between her legs. She’s dressed in a top that could pass as a bra and shorts that ride up her long legs. Definitely Will’s type.

“I’m out of here,” I tell my brother, disgusted.

He doesn’t look over his shoulder to see me exit the kitchen because he’s too busy mauling Barbie’s twin. At least Ethan didn’t show up here with a date. Well, he didn’t show at all. His parents threw a huge bash downtown to celebrate the occasion. My parents said it was so they could show everyone how much money they have to spend on a silly party.

Unlike Ethan’s family, who are mega successful and rich, my parents are your average working class people. I had always wondered why people with that kind of money could be so unhappy.

Once I climb the stairs and fall onto my bed, I push the curtain aside to peek out the window. Ethan’s bedroom faces mine. The light is on with his shades closed. I wish I had a way to get his attention. So, I sit and wait for him to make a move.

Twenty minutes later, the light flicks off in Ethan’s room, leaving the space between us in darkness. I hear my father laughing between the clinks of the metal horseshoes hitting the posts in the backyard.

When I hear the hum of Ethan’s Mustang, the loud engine roaring to life, a pang of nerves hits me in the chest. Ethan is leaving. The bottom of his car scrapes the driveway as he reverses into the street. His wheels spin, the sound of rubber burning the asphalt causing me to jump. Ethan only does that when he’s angry or after he gets into a fight with his father. He cares too much about his car to ruin it.

Just like that, Ethan Waters drives away, taking my heart along with him.