Bastian

I usually love this time of year: the leaves changing, the crisp air, hell, even the pumpkin spice everything. But this year, the leaves seem dull and I can’t even think about drinking some overly sweet pumpkin spice latte without wanting to toss it into the nearest trash can. Julia had always talked about how much she loved fall, and that’s all I can think about now.

Standing at my office window, sipping a very black cup of coffee, I realize that I haven’t seen Julia in three months. Three long, solitary months, and even though I haven’t had a major relapse since that time Julia cared for me, something my doctor attributes to the new medication I’m taking, I feel thoroughly run-down.

I’d never been the type to mope over a woman, but by God, have I been moping. I see her everywhere, and it drives me crazy. I see her every time I go into my garage and see my motorcycles, and even though I’ve got the Harley completely up and running now, I refuse to take it or my Ducati out for a ride. I want the next time I ride one of those bikes to be when Julia in on the back with me, yet I’ve ensured that is never going to happen.

I’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake. I know that now.

I want Julia back.

But how can I make things right when I fucked up so badly? I’d told her she was a coward and that I couldn’t be with her. I wince, remembering. I knew I could be a dick, but that definitely was my shining moment of dick-dom.

Lucian knocks and comes into my office. We finally got everything with Ryland Masters worked out, although it was a hell of a fight. While Ryland will never be my greatest fan, we’ve come to a mutual—and grudging—kind of respect. I told him he should invest his money how he saw fit, but that if I gave him enough proof that a deal would be a bad idea, he should at least listen to me. Luckily, Ryland’s friend’s business has since taken off, and the return on Ryland’s investment has made all of us happy. Money tends to do that, I’ve found.

“Going to join us for the staff meeting?” Lucian asks, coming up next to me to gaze out the window.

“In a second.”

We don’t say anything for a while, but just look at the street below. I watch as a mother pushes her young child in a stroller, a big, fluffy dog at their side. I see an older man jogging, and two teenagers probably playing hooky. When I spot a woman with dark blond hair, my heart stops. But it isn’t Julia. It never is.

“How long are you going to keep doing this?” Lucian’s voice is quiet.

I don’t look at him, but I know exactly what he means. He hasn’t talked much about me and Julia, but he knows what happened. Part of me wants to ignore his question, while the other part wants him to tell me I’m an ass and I need to get her back.

I’ve never been this at odds with myself, and I have to say, I hate it.

“You’re miserable, man,” Lucian continues. “I’ve never seen you like this, and I’ve seen you knocked on your ass when you’re sick. But this is different. You’re like a shell of your former self.”

“Thanks a lot.”

“Hey, you know I’m all about honesty. I thought maybe you’d move on, but if anything, you’ve moved backward. Just how long are you going to beat yourself up about what you did instead of making things right?”

I swallow a mouthful of hot coffee. It burns my tongue. “How can I make things right?” I ask quietly. “You should’ve seen her face, Lucian.”

“Oh, I’m sure you pissed her off and she’d love to push you off a cliff. But if you love her, you fight for her.” He looks at me, and I finally meet his gaze. “You don’t just sit around crying about it,” he adds.

I know he’s right. I have been just sitting around, feeling sorry for myself. I take another sip of coffee. “What do I even say to her?”

“That you’re fucking sorry, for one. Don’t make excuses, don’t try to sound like she was wrong for getting mad. Just say you’re sorry and you messed up.” He stuffs his hands into his pockets. “You won’t necessarily get her back on your good side, but an apology—a sincere one—is your best bet.”

I think about Lucian’s words throughout the day and into the evening. I think about them for the rest of the week, until by Friday, I’m determined to tell Julia how sorry I am for what I said. But mostly to tell her I was wrong. That I want her back. If she’ll only give me that chance.

I drive over to Cooper’s Friday afternoon, which I know is generally when Julia has a shift. It’s mid-December, and we’ve had snow recently. The sky, gray and hazy, looks like it may snow again, but even if I get stuck at Cooper’s under a foot of snow, I don’t care. I glance around for Julia’s car or bike, but I see neither. Going inside the store, I stomp off the wet snow stuck to my boots and begin walking toward the vitamin section. My heart is pounding so fast and I’m sweating so much that I’m about to strip out of my scarf and coat.

But as I get to the sample stand where Julia normally works, I instead see a guy I’ve never seen before. I frown. Maybe Julia works at a different stand now? I begin to look around Cooper’s, checking out every stand scattered throughout, but no Julia. Is she not scheduled today? Or maybe she’s sick? I hate to think she’s home alone and ill, and I’m about to get in my car and go to her place when I run into a young guy with perfectly gelled hair wearing a pink scarf over his Cooper’s uniform.

“You!” he exclaims, like he’s just come face to face with his mother’s killer.

I frown even harder. “Can I help you?”

“Why are you here? If you’re looking for Julia, she’s not here.” The guy sniffs and tries to step around me.

But he knows where Julia is! I catch his sleeve; he gives me a look like I’m the lowliest of insects. “Where is Julia? Is she sick? I need to talk to her.”

He sniffs again. I then notice his name tag says KEVIN and I remember Julia mentioning her best friend was named Kevin more than once.

“Look, I need to talk to her,” I say. “In person. I tried calling her, but she’s changed her phone number. I could go to her place, but that seems presumptuous.” I stop talking, realizing that Kevin probably has no idea what I’m blathering about.

But he just raises a plucked eyebrow at me. “Why do you want to talk to her?”

I really don’t want to spill my guts, but he looks like he isn’t going to tell me anything unless I do. I run a hand through my hair.

“I need to apologize, okay? Do you know where she is? Or I’ll just go to her place.”

I begin to walk off when Kevin doesn’t respond, but he stops me.

“Hey, wait,” he says. I stop. “She doesn’t work here anymore.”

At that, I turn. “She doesn’t work at Cooper’s anymore?”

He shakes his head. “Nope. She quit earlier this month. She’s going back to school and has an internship starting after the New Year.” He smiles a little sadly. “I’m going to miss her, but I’m really happy for her.”

My heart starts pounding again. Julia’s going back to school? I think back to what I said to her that day, and I’m torn between pride and guilt. Is she going back just to prove that I was wrong? I hope not. I hope she’s going because she felt like it was the right thing to do.

I’m about to leave again when Kevin says, “She’s not at home right now. She’s normally at a café called Irwin’s in the afternoons.” He rocks back on his heels, fiddling with his scarf. “Don’t tell her I told you that, okay?”

I’m about to embrace Kevin, but instead I hold out my hand. He shakes it. “Thanks, man,” I say.

I’m walking away, when I realize that I recognized Kevin as the guy who was taking photos of my ass months ago. Looking over my shoulder, I say, “I hope you enjoyed those photos you took of me. Let me know if you need any more.”

He blushes scarlet and then scuttles off, but I’m laughing. I don’t care how many photos Kevin took of my ass; I’m going to find Julia. I’m going to tell her how sorry I am, and how much I love her, and how proud I am of her.

When I get back into my car, blasting the heat, I also realize that if anyone had been a coward, it was me, not Julia. She had been afraid of going back to school, yes, but for a legitimate reason. Me, on the other hand? I was afraid of falling for someone because I didn’t want to burden her, yes, but when it came down to it, my biggest fear was that I’d come to depend on her—not to care for me physically, but to love me, in all the ways that encompasses—and she’d dump me after she decided I wasn’t worth the trouble anymore. I’d pushed Julia away even though she’d shown me from the beginning that she wasn’t that type of person. My fears had been based on nothing except my own insecurities.

Lucian was right: I had fucked up royally. And now was my chance to make things right. Getting my phone out, I search for Irwin’s and get the address. I wonder if Julia will even talk to me. What if she tells me to go to hell? But it doesn’t matter. I have to try. Sitting around, feeling sorry for myself, isn’t going to make things better.

I park outside Irwin’s as snow starts to fall, and when I see Julia’s car nearby, my heart soars. I enter the quaint little coffee shop, which is still bustling despite the weather, and spot her immediately. She’s sitting in a corner, headphones on, working on something intently. She looks beautiful: her hair in a topknot, wearing a pretty red sweater with sparkly earrings, she looks like a Christmas present I want to unwrap.

I stare at her for a few moments, simply drinking her in.