Julia

The day after I found Bastian Rich passed out on the floor, I’m back behind my sample table, this time in the health and beauty aisle. Considering how late it had been, it should have come as no surprise that the receptionist at RichCo hadn’t answered my phone call. I’d spent the night calling hospitals to see if a Sebastian Rich had been admitted but finally gave up around 10:00. Now I’m handing out sample packs of a new brand of cotton swab. That’s right, someone has decided that they can improve upon the simple design of the Q-tip.

“Ma’am, would you like to try a new brand of cotton swab?” I offer a sample pack to an elderly lady leaving the pharmacy.

For a moment, she looks interested, but it’s possible she’s simply straining to hear me.

“They’re softer and more luxurious than your standard cotton swabs,” I say.

“I’m sorry, dear, I like the Q-tips I’ve been using all my life.”

I sigh, surprised by how many people are turning these things down. They’re basically designer Q-tips! Who can’t use more of them? Maybe the product would do better on Bastian’s end of town.

As I watch the little old lady walk away hunched over her shopping cart, it suddenly dawns on me she looks like a Q-tip with the ball of white hair sitting on top of her head. I think about taking a picture of her from behind and texting my observation to Kevin, but he’s pissed at me for ignoring his calls. I’d tried to apologize to him this morning, but he’d given me “the hand” and a shake of his head before flouncing off. I’ll give him the day to cool off and then, after I track down Bastian and return his wallet after work, I’ll fill him in on my latest bout of lunacy over drinks.

“So, what are we handing out today?” a handsome man suddenly asks after stopping in front of my sample stand. I’m a little startled by his friendly demeanor and the fact that he acts like he knows who I am. The guy’s super cute. I clear my throat and try to put some flirtatious edge to my response. God knows I need the practice.

“Miracle Swab brand cotton swabs. They are softer and more luxurious than any cotton swab you’ve used before,” I tell him. “With other brands, sometimes you stab yourself because there isn’t enough cotton on the end. Well, that will never happen with these. No, sir.”

“It’s a miracle,” he says, looking up from the sample packs and pointing at me to drive his joke home.

I smile weakly. Again, he’s cute, almost as cute as Bastian, yet my heart hasn’t even sped up.

“Sold,” he says suddenly. “Can I grab a few of these? I’ll hand them out at the gym.”

I wonder if he’s serious, but I grab a green Miracle Swab sample bag and load it up for him.

“But wait, there’s more,” I tell him as I pull out a coupon. “Because you took a sample bag today, you also get a coupon for twenty-five percent off your next Miracle Swab purchase. It’s good for any size package or any variety.”

“These guys are hard-core,” he says absently as he looks over the coupon.

“That’s right. Can you say the same about your current cotton swab?”

“You’re pretty good,” he laughs. “You make me want things I didn’t even realize I wanted.”

“Well, thank you.” I can feel myself blushing and I wonder what the heck is going on. Is the fact that I had myself a little adventure yesterday making me sparkle just a bit more today or something? Maybe. I feel more alive and the world seems a little bit brighter, but as much as I appreciate this guy flirting with me, my mind is still occupied with Mr. Rich. I think he gets the hint given I’ve shown more interest in a pack of bubble gum before. With a final smile, he’s off and on his way to the back of the store.

I’m thinking about taking a break and trying to call Bastian’s work number again when an old guy with an amazing amount of hair sticking out of his nose and ears walks up to me.

“Sample Q-tips?” he asks.

“They’re Miracle Swabs.”

“What’s the difference?” He grabs a pack and picks it up, examining the swabs carefully.

“These aren’t your standard cotton swabs. They’re Miracle Swab Luxury Cotton Swabs. It’s supposed to be like using a cloud to clean your ears.”

“Have you tried them?”

“No, I haven’t. I’ve been at work, so—”

“Well, I think I’m going to try one.” He opens the package right in front of my stand and proceeds to shove one of the Miracle Swabs into his ear.

I watch in horror as his eyes roll back in his head while he twirls the plastic stick with cotton balls at either end inside his ear. He moans in satisfaction while he cleans one ear and then the other in front of my stand. I can’t help but wonder if the look upon his face—of complete and utter ecstasy—is the same look I wear on my face at the tail end of a life-changing orgasm.

It’s enough to make a girl swear off sex completely.

Customers walk by and stare at him, appalled by this disgusting display. He pulls the crusty, dark yellow end of the swab out of his ear and flips it around to continue with the other side. I’m forced to watch as he repeats the spectacle.

“Oh, that’s good,” he says, working on his other ear now.

“Um, can you…” I say, about to suggest he do this in the bathroom, but he ignores me. “Sir, would you mind if—”

The older gentleman holds up a massive finger to tell me to wait a minute while he continues wrecking the second cotton swab. I close my eyes. I can’t witness any more of this.

“Want to try it?”

I open my eyes, and he’s holding the sample package out to me.

“No thank you,” I say.

“They’re not kidding. It is like using a cloud. They’re down here in health and beauty?” he asks, putting his freaking used cotton swab down on my table.

I stare at it and cover my mouth as I feel my stomach roil.

The guy is oblivious, starting to push his cart down the aisle to my left.

“Yes, sir,” I manage to choke out. “And here’s a coupon. Get twenty-five percent off any package you purchase.” I grab a coupon and hand it to him as he walks past me.

“Awesome,” he says in a surprisingly grateful voice.

Once he’s down the aisle, I stare at the disgusting swab on my table, deciding what to do. I can’t leave it there, can I? Finally, I grab some napkins from the bathroom and the little waste basket I normally use when sampling food, throw the napkins over the offensive swab, then toss the dirty swab into the trash. Mind you, I’m cringing and gagging a bit as I do this, and by the time I’m done I feel gross and exhausted.

I have definitely earned some fresh air.

I let She-Hulk know I’m taking a break. I grab my purse, then head outside. There’s a small greenbelt across from Cooper’s with a bench in the shade. I sit down, open up my purse, take out Bastian’s wallet, and stare at it, running my fingertips across the fine leather, as if it’s some kind of magic lamp and can somehow transport me away from my current life.

After work, I’m going to drive by the address on his driver’s license and return the wallet to its owner. Mr. Sebastian Rich will be fine. He’ll also be thankful. I fantasize that he’ll be so thankful, he’ll invite me in for dinner. That maybe he’ll give me a demonstration of how those condoms fit him, or rather how he fits…

Dammit, Julia, stop! I take a deep breath to clear my head. The guy’s a stranger and you’re just going to return his wallet.

“Right, just returning his wallet,” I repeat aloud. I decide to run through what I’m going to say. I want to be prepared when he answers the door.

“Hello, Mr. Rich? My name is Julia. We spoke at Cooper’s Food Market and Pharmacy yesterday? Yes, it’s good to see you again, too. I’m glad to see you’re doing okay. Um, the reason I’m here is because I took your wallet to give the 911 operator your name, and in the confusion, I still have it. I hope you don’t mind. I looked through it to see who it belonged to and found your address. Oh, why didn’t I leave it with a cashier or manager? Um, I…I noticed that, um, you have a lot of money in there and I didn’t, you know, didn’t want anyone to take it.”

I stop to catch my breath. This is going to be a disaster. I can’t even practice talking to him without stammering and stuttering. I try again.

“Mr. Rich? Hi, I know you probably don’t recognize me outside of the store, but I found your wallet and decided to track you down at your house to return it to you. I hope you don’t mind, I looked through it, and wow, Mr. Rich, I must say I’m impressed with the size of your…your…dammit, Julia!”