Your’s Forever

 

Blurb

A Luxury Cruise. A Handsome Guitarist. Seems to be the perfect holiday!

“Hello”

A simple word that changed my life.

He’s standing in front of me. 

My heart beats faster….my mouth runs dry with lust and desire. 

I’m pretty sure I’m falling for HIM!

His hot muscular body sets a fire in the pit of my stomach…

A burning that races all the way down to my center. 

I can feel the intense heat and…

If I don’t have him soon then I might just die.”

“I walk through the midnight valley, thinking only of you…

you’re the love of my life and losing you makes me blue…”

Chapter One - Tia

“I don’t know, Mom,” I comment with a sigh as I wander around the bare room of my old college dorm. The white walls, the empty bed, the bare desk… it’s all too much. “I haven’t really thought much about it.”

“What do you expect me to tell you?” I can tell that my mother is distracted, she’s hardly listening to me at all. Knowing what she’s like it’s likely she’s in a nail salon or a spa, getting pampered like she’s a princess or something. I love her dearly, but she truly is a rich wife diva. I could be a bit like that too if I wanted, but that just isn’t me at all. “You knew this day was coming. You knew you were going to qualify from college. You should have made plans.”

I huff loudly and fling myself onto the small camp bed that I’ve spent my last few years existing on. I hated it at first, it was nothing like the luxury I was used to, but I quickly got used to it and threw myself into college life, and to be honest I’m going to miss it loads. My friends; Diana, Helen, and Alexa have left already. They are too busy looking forward to the future to bother worrying about what they’re letting go of. That’s just me… what is wrong with me?

I’ve loved everything about being at college. Maybe that’s why I haven’t thought much about what’s going to come next because I knew I wouldn’t be ready to let it go.

“I know, I should have. You’re right about that but I didn’t. Now I’m sitting here wondering where I’m supposed to go. I don’t even know where to live now.”

“So, come home,” Mom replies as if it’s completely obvious. “Your room is still waiting for you. Come back for a while and figure it out. It isn’t as if you have money troubles to concern you, you can spend all the time you want to figure out where you want to go next.”

Admittedly, that’s probably the best plan. I did the English Lit course because I want to write; stories, poetry, songs… all of that. Going home and getting started on that dream would be the smartest thing to do. Yet I don’t want to. Not quite yet.

“I will, Mom,” I reassure her while the cogs roll in my brain. “I do want to but I think I just need a time out from life first. I need a period to adjust to normal life again. I want to recover from college first, you know?” I can hear how ridiculous that probably sounds, but to me it’s just fact. “I’ve lost my friends, the course, the security of my life… I just need a break.”

“Go on a holiday,” Mom says, starting to sound a little weary with me. “Have a break, then come home.”

“I might get my stuff shipped back and do that.” I gaze out my window and try to work out where in the world I want to go. I’ve been most places, we travelled a lot when I was younger, there isn’t really anywhere I desperately want to visit. The only thing that calls to me a little is the ocean. “I might go on a cruise,” I comment idly as the idea sparks in my brain. “Try something a little different.”

“Yes, good idea.” Mom pauses for a moment and I brace myself while I wait to hear what’s coming next. Our conversations always end this way so I expect it. “So, do you maybe want to call your father about this? Tell him what your plans are?”

I have never had a close relationship with my father. Billy Daniels is a cold hearted man who cares about no one but himself. Mom knows this, but she puts up with him because of the lifestyle he provides her with. She loves the billions of dollars, the nicest house, the fancy, designer clothes… so much so that she doesn’t even question where the money comes from. I’m sure it’s dodgy, but since no one will ever tell me I’ve given up caring.

That’s another reason I don’t want to go back home just yet, I don’t want to deal with him just yet.

“No, Mom, if you want to tell him then maybe you could call him. You know my feelings on the subject matter. I won’t argue with him all the time anymore, it’s not like I’m a young teenager anymore, but we’re never going to be close.”

Mom waits, almost as if she’s trying to change my mind, but it’s not going to happen. I know that I need to stick to my guns with this one. Me and Dad will always be distant, that will never change.

“Right, okay, sweetie. Well I have to get on. You get your stuff shipped and I’ll sort it out so it’s all ready for you when you get home.”

“Yeah, thanks, Mom. I think I’ll book the cruise now so I’ll send you the details once it’s done.”

After we hang up the phone I pull my laptop back out the case and I eagerly turn it on. The more I think about the cruise idea, the more I like it. That’ll give me some time and space for self reflection and writing too. I can get some inspiration while out on the ocean and I can also hunt about for some jobs. The sooner I get work, the sooner I can get out of home and leave my messy family life.

I scan through the options, barely looking at where the cruises are going. That’s not important, I just want to get one that starts within the next couple of days. I want to get off this island now, I just want to be on the water so I can forget everything.

Eventually I find one that leaves in the morning, Princess Cruises, the company is ironically called. It’s luxurious, probably more than I should be spending on a break away from my life, but I have to have some benefits from my wealthy family. If I’m being kept in the dark about my dad and his dodgy dealings, then I at least want some benefits.

I fly through the booking details, entering the card details off the top of my mind. It’s safe to say that I do a lot of online shopping when the mood takes me. I’ve known all the details to use the credit cards since I was fourteen years of age.

“Booked,” I mutter happily to myself as I lean back in my chair. “Can’t wait.”

But as I glance around the room the sun shining down on me fades. I’m still lonely, that’s not going anywhere. My friends have all gone to start their fabulous new lives, Diana as a travel journalist, seeing the world, Helen as a legal secretary, Alexa has moved to Canada with her boyfriend to get married and have children… it’s only me left.

If I’m honest with myself, the loneliness started a long time before this moment. If I truly dig deep inside myself then I’ve been feeling this sadness for a while now, deep down. I’ve just managed to bury it because I’ve been surrounded by my friends. Ever since me and Liam broke up in my first year, I’ve been missing having some actual love in my life. We were only together for a few months, but it was a very intense time… at least for me. I fell hard and fast for his dark hair, his tanned skin, his bright smile. I thought that he felt the same way for me, so I gave myself over to him completely, I loved him with everything I had.

And then he cheated on me.

When I found him in a club just off of campus, kissing a mystery blonde, and I lost my nut, he had the audacity to tell me that it didn’t matter because we weren’t serious anyway. We were just a fling, so why did I care who he was kissing?

What an asshole!

Anyway, after that I threw myself into my education, I gave up on the idea of finding someone until my heart had healed. Maybe it was only a short term thing but the after effects of that, scarred me deeply. It took me a while.

Only now I’m there, and no one seems interested.

I guess people in college gave up on finding relationships towards the end of our course because they all knew that we’ll be moving on soon enough. Just as I became ready to open up my heart, everyone else closed theirs, leaving me alone.

I lie back on the bed and let my eyes slide shut. Who knows, this might be the start of something new. Maybe I’ll get onto that cruise and an unexpected romance will come my way.

My body sparks to life as I picture my dream man coming to life in my mind. I see a strong, muscular, tattooed body, sandy blond hair, bright blue eyes. Electricity prickles all over me and I find my hands rubbing over my chest and down my torso.

“You’re beautiful,” the mystery man says to me, breathing onto my lips, causing my entire body to pulse desperately. “Tia, you are incredible.”

As he kisses me, my hands travel lower, almost instinctively as if I can’t help myself. My core is crying out to me, I need a release, and now that I have this fantasy in my mind I can’t stop. I slide into my panties and move my fingers towards my wetness. The mystery man in my mind kisses me hard and fast, the passion flows from hip lips into mine, setting me on fire.

“Oh, Tia.”

His hands lift up the hem of my dress and the way that my fingers touch me becomes him. He alternates between plunging into me and flickering over my clit. I imagine myself holding his thick, throbbing cock in my hands, loving the sensation because it’s just been far too long. I haven’t had a male body near me in what feels like forever, so I’m already about to explode.

I pant and writhe on the sheets as I feel him sliding into me, his muscles pressing against my body in a thrilling, delicious way. A groan falls out of my lips. I lift my hand off the bed where I’ve been fisting the sheets to grope onto my breast. My nipples feel like they’ve been left out and they’re desperate for some action. I even slide my top down and push my bra down so I can really feel myself.

“I’ve wanted you for so long,” he continues while increasing the intensity of his thrusts. “I didn’t know it would feel this good to fuck you.”

“Oh shit,” I cry out loudly as the hot pool of pleasure in the pit of my stomach increases. It trickles through my veins causing my whole body to relax into the bliss. The pressure builds, my head swims, my heart pounds so loudly against my rib cage I fear it might explode from my chest. “Oh God.”

And then the tsunami of pleasure rolls over me in waves causing me to buck violently under the weight of it. I fall into the abyss of pleasure, giving myself over to it completely. It feels so good to get a release, to forget about everything, to ignore the loneliness for just a moment. I need this badly…

No, actually this isn’t what I need. What I need is a man. Maybe not a man to love, that might be asking for too much but a man to crave, a man to have a wonderful night of fun with. Just one wild night of throwing caution to the wind.

Maybe that’s what I’ll get on the cruise… here’s hoping anyway.

Chapter Two - Stephen

“It’s going well, Mom!” I declare with a giant smile on my face. “I’m really happy.”

“I’m happy for you,” she replies cautiously. “I just wish your dream didn’t have to take you half way around the world. New Zealand misses you, that’s all. We all miss you, it isn’t the same without you here.”

“I don’t think New Zealand does, I think you do,” I chuckle, ignoring the comment about everyone else. I don’t want to think too much about my life back home right now. I’m not in the best frame of mind for it. “And you know I’d do it from home if I could but there are just so many more opportunities in America.”

Okay, so maybe I’m not fully living the rock and roll lifestyle I thought I would be when I left home for the US. I naively assumed that I was good enough on the guitar to get a music contract right away. I thought I’d be playing Madison Square Garden to hundreds of thousands of screaming fans. I imagined I would be living the dream.

It didn’t take me long to be brought back to Earth with a thump. No one get sighed right away, people don’t have it easy. Everyone needs to struggle to make it to where they want to be in life. I’m just in the struggling phase right now, that’s all. I know I’ll make it big, I just need to be patient.

“So, when does the cruise start?” Mom asks, genuinely interested. This is why I always ring her with news first, even if it’s small news. She always makes me feel good about it.

“Tomorrow actually.” I glance around the dive bar I’m in, watching the clientele thin out now that my set has finished. Inside there’s a hope that just one of the people who came to watch me knows someone important in the music biz. It hasn’t happened yet, but it has to happen eventually. “Once I’m finished up here I’ll head home to pack. I’m looking forward to it.”

“These rich people are good to get on side. One of them will have connections.” Mom has the same thoughts as me. “I bet you’ll come out of it with everything you ever want.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

I catch a glance of my reflection in the mirror and my hand automatically goes up into my hair to smooth it down a little bit. It got a little ruffled while I was up on stage. While I can rock the ‘just got out of bed look’ well, I can’t stop trying to make myself look better. My green eyes sparkle brightly, but even I can see a little bit of mischief within them. I know that as soon as I’ve had a drink I’ll be trouble… and despite the thinning crowd there are a lot of beautiful women left behind.

Hey, I might not be living the rock and roll lifestyle, but I get plenty of attention and I might as well take advantage of that. Maybe these girls never really know me, but it helps to ward off the loneliness.

“Right, Stephen, I have to get going.” I can hear Mom yawn. “The time difference is killing me. I need some sleep but I’ll speak to you later.”

“Yep, bye.”

I hang up the phone rapidly and lean across the bar to get the attention of the foxy red head who works behind the bar. She smiles at me and slides across to take my order happily.

“You were good up there,” she flirts while batting her eyelashes at me. She presses her arms closer to her chest revealing her plump, ample cleavage to me. I don’t directly look, but I can spot a tattoo of a snake travelling down there which I wonder where it ends. “I’ve always had a thing for boys in bands.”

“Oh yeah?” The rest of the room is instantly forgotten, including all the other women in it. The red head with the tight waist has all of my focus. “Well that’s lucky because I’ve always had a thing for foxy barmaids.”

She giggles and slides a pint my way, without even asking me what I want. She doesn’t charge me either which is an awesome plus. I pull the glass up to my lips and take a massive glug while staring intently at her. She’s definitely up for it, she wants me bad. She’s hot enough for me to want her too.

This is why the cruise will be a good thing, I think happily to myself. There will be women a plenty there.

“So, what does a sexy chick like you get up to when she isn’t at work?”

The girl blushes and glances at the ground. When her eyes travel back up and I see her through her eyelashes my cock strains in my trousers. Fuck it, I wanted this chick too. She was hot and available, what more could I want?

“I’m finishing in an hour,” she practically whispers as a reply. “Why don’t you stick around and find out?”

“Hmm.” I glance at the clock. Of course, I want to but I’m very aware that I have to pack for the cruise tomorrow. “I would, but I’m afraid I’m off on my travels tomorrow.”

“Back home?” She looks disappointed. “Australia, right?”

“Actually, it’s New Zealand.” Everyone always mixes up my accent. “But no, I’m away for a little while for work.”

The girl glances around the bar, noticing that the few people scattered around seem very happy for the time being and she reaches out to take my hand. As she bites down on her bottom lip and she gives me a cheeky grin, I know exactly where this is headed. I’ve scored without even trying. I don’t even know her name… that doesn’t usually happen.

I slide my fingers into hers and grin. The strain in my pants gets even harder, I’m rock solid as she drags me behind the bar and into the stock room around the back. We’re surrounded by barrels of beer and lager, it’s quite cold and smells weird but who gives a shit. Without even thinking too much about it, I crash my lips into the girls and I press her up against the wall behind her. She squeals with glee and giggles, absolutely loving it.

“Ooh, you don’t hang around do you?” she gasps as I move my mouth down to her neck. I kiss her all over, moving slowly towards her collar bone and that incredible tattoo that runs down her body.

I rip her shirt apart, tearing off one of the buttons on the way down but the girl doesn’t care. She groans louder, loving the heat of the moment, and she tosses her head back allowing her hair to flow further down her back. I grab a handful of it and tug it playfully as my mouth finds her breast and her nipple.

Thank God for girls who don’t wear bras.

Her nipples feel like Heaven in my mouth, I suck and lick and tug with my teeth as my hand dips into her jeggings and slowly into her panties. The lace brushes against my fingers which is a pretty awesome sensation… but not as good as the intense wetness I find when I drag my hands along her slit.

“Oh shit, Stephen,” she gasps eagerly. “That feels good, but I need you to fuck me.”

Nice… I like a girl who isn’t afraid to ask for what she wants! It feels good. I hate the ones who whimper and purr but don’t actually tell me what they like. It makes things that much more exciting.

Taking her command, I yank her trousers down to the ground and kiss her while she kicks them all the way off. The lace panties remain, but that’s okay because I can push them to one side. They don’t need to be gone for us to do what we’re about to be done.

As I dip my hand into my pocket to grab the condom out, the girl has other ideas. She grapples with my zip and pulls it down, dragging my jeans with it. My underwear comes too which frees me from my material prison. I spring to attention which causes her to gasp with glee. Her eyes widen at the sheer size of me. I love this reaction, it always comes… girls love the girth I have to offer them.

“Fuck,” she whispers while running her hand up and down my shaft. “You are something else, Stephen.”

I push her off me, eagerness getting the better of me, and I tug the condom over my length. My fingers tremble, I’m too keen for words, I’m about to lose my shit if I’m not careful.

Next, I have her pushed against the wall and I buried myself deep into her with my fingers curled around one side of her underwear. She feels so fucking good as her walls contract around me that my eyes close with happiness. I don’t know the woman’s name and now I’ve forgotten her face too. She’s just another notch on my ever growing bed post. Maybe it’s a shitty way to live my life, but all the women are as eager as this one so we’re all consenting adults here.

As the pleasure started to claim her, I grabbed her legs and raised her off the ground. She gasps and screams as she buckles and thrashes, getting her own release. I held her so one she wouldn’t fall and two so I could get in deeper. I wanted to lose myself completely and judging by the way my thighs were shuddering it wouldn’t be long until I did.

“Oh fuck,” I grunted as the pleasure built up. It was a pressure, swelling and building up, and any minute now it would explode…

Fireworks burst, waves of desire crashed over me, I got full satisfaction with this mystery woman. As I dropped her to the ground and we both stood panting next to one another, a cold sensation settled in the pit of my stomach. Much as I loved my life there was always a small element of guilt that came with it. I was always very open and honest with the women before we had sex, but I couldn’t seem to stop it from coming.

“I suppose I better go,” I commented quietly, hating myself for banging and leaving. I wouldn’t be so quick to go if I didn’t have stuff to do. I would at least stick around for a drink. “Erm, like I said I have a trip to pack for. Sorry I have to go like this but…”

“No, don’t worry about it, hun,” the girl replies with a bright smile. She tugs her jeans on with ease, acting as if this is normal. Maybe it is for her, maybe this is the sort of thing she does all the time. Maybe she’s the female equivalent of me. “It’s all good. Maybe you should just come back here when you get back. We can go for round two.”

“Sure, sounds good.” I know I won’t. I have no intention of setting foot in this bar again unless I have a gig to play but there’s no way I will tell her that. There’s honesty and then there is just being a dick. “I shall see you soon, okay?”

“Yep, bye, Stephen. It’s been great having you around.”

I leave the cellar rapidly, needing some fresh air. I hang my head low as I walk through the bar, I don’t want everyone to stare at me knowingly as I leave. I just need to be in my own space now, to prepare for the next stage of my life. I have the cruise tomorrow, which I’m hoping will change everything for the better.

My big break is coming, I just know it. I just have to be patient and wait for it.

Chapter Three - Tia

This is good, I think to myself as I glance my eyes around to drink in the scene surrounding me. This cruise is really good for me, I’m glad I went for it.

Luxury doesn’t even begin to cover what Princess Cruises offers, it’s incredible. The bedrooms are better than what most five star hotels offer, with mattresses so comfy I could sleep forever, duvet covers and pillows that offer just the right amount of softness and warmth. Plus, the shower is wonderful. It’s a proper wet room that I can really relax in. Any tension in my muscles is long gone by the time I get out of it.

And that’s just the bedrooms. Up on deck there are endless shops I can spend my days in, with absolutely everything on offer any person could ever want. It’s almost as if they cater to every single individual person which is weird since its in the middle of the ocean. There’s even an art gallery and a library which is amazing. I love it. I also really like the swimming pool outside, which is great to swim in during the sunny periods.

It has everything.

So, why do I still feel so lonely?

I slam my notebook shut, feeling awful about myself. I came here to relax and to write, but I haven’t actually managed to get any writing done. I keep telling myself that I’m really enjoying myself but the truth is I still feel like crap about myself. I’m missing direction, I need some focus. I just don’t know where to find it.

I sigh loudly and slump my head backwards. My eyes fall closed and I try to find some comfort in the space I’ve got in my alone time. In the middle of the ocean I don’t have any signal on my phone which means I can’t communicate with anyone at all. On the plus side, it means I don’t have to see how wonderful and fabulous everyone else’s life is, but on the negative side I feel far too cut off from the world for words. It sucks.

And the other people on the cruise, none of them are like me. Most people are older, settled in life, happy to join in with the lame activities that the staff have to offer such as crafts and book clubs. None of them are young and alone, looking for someone to connect with…

Well, hello!

All of a sudden, as if I can feel the prickle of someone looking at me, and my eyes snap open. I prop myself up onto my elbows and I glance around. My long dark hair falls in front of my eyes which I blow to knock it out the way, to reveal… him.

I don’t know who he is, but he looks just like the man I have been picturing in my fantasies over the last few days. He started on my last day of college and continued ever since. The blond haired, green eyes giant who could devour me in a heart beat. As I look at him my heart literally stops beating for a moment and a heat consumes me. He is everything!

I glance back down as I feel my cheeks blush, but soon it’s as if a magnet it pulling my gaze back upright in an instant. As I look again, I realize that he isn’t quite like the man of my dreams, but close enough. He doesn’t appear to be covered in tattoos, and although I can’t see too much it seems that his eyes might be more blue than green but he’s close enough.

Oh, my God.

I don’t know what to do with myself. He shoots me a smile that lights up his whole face, but I don’t think I give it back. I don’t know what my face is doing actually, I feel all weird and tingly inside. It’s as if I’m having an electrical shock, it prickles and races all over me. I even have to sit up a little straighter because I’m trying to disguise the emotional turmoil that I’m currently experiencing.

What do I do? I think frantically. What can I do?

The sight of this man inspires me in a way that nothing has done for a very long time. I want to talk to him, I want to grab onto him to explore this magnetism further, I want to explore the fantasies that are now circling my mind at an even more rapid speed than before. I want my night of passion, damn it! But for some reason, my mojo is no more. I guess I lost my confidence a long time ago, probably at the same moment I found Liam kissing the blonde in the bar, and I haven’t recovered it. I just didn’t realize it until now.

I need to go and speak to him, I don’t want this opportunity to pass me by. He’s got to be, by far, the most interesting person on this cruise and I need to utilize that before I lose my mind, but I don’t know where to begin.

Just go and say hi! I try to convince myself. He smiled at me, he must at least see something in me, just go casually past him and say hello.

Despite the fact that the idea of doing that fills me with an intense pit of dread, I ignore my labored breaths and I push my eyes upwards to see him again… but he’s gone. Ice cold upset consumes me and I feel like a damn idiot.

Of course… he was just being friendly. Why would he be interested in me? I’m just… boring.

The stark realization that I’ve becoming boring in my loneliness hits me hard. Maybe that’s why my friends didn’t care too much about leaving me behind. Over my final year of college, I got so wrapped up in ignoring the future that I became self centered and dull without even meaning to. That is something I need to change. I need to get out of this pit of misery and I need to start looking forward.

Without much thinking about it, I grab my notebook back up again and I start scrawling. Inspiration hits me and I write, I use the feelings that I have just from seeing the mysterious fantasy man to start creating a story.

‘He’s there, standing in front of me, the man I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love with. Or if not love, then lust. With his hot, muscular body nearing mine, my heart leaps and dances about in my chest. There’s a fire in the pit of my stomach, a burning that races all the way down to my center. If I don’t have him soon then I might just die.”

Hmm… not too bad.

I haven’t ever written anything steamy before, I guess I always assumed that was something that more confident writers did, but I don’t think I’ve done a terrible job. I’m sure it’ll need some work, I bet an editor would go crazy, but it’s something. It’s mine. I’ve started writing again and that’s all that matters to me.

“Miss, would you like a drink?” one of the waiters asks me.

He has a tray of delicious looking, fruity and undoubtedly very strong cocktails in front of me that make my mouth water. I really want a taste, but now that I’ve started writing I think it’s better to have a clear head. I shake my head and return my eyes back to the paper… but then it hits me. All writers drink, don’t they? The real ones anyway. That’s what I’ve heard at least. They need it to keep them going and to help the inspiration to flow… that’s what I want too.

“Actually, do you know what…” I call out to the waiter calling him back. As he spins around I get a flash of a penguin because of his black and white uniform, which nearly makes me burst into laughter. “I think I will have one.” I bite down on my bottom lip and examine them all. “The pink one please.”

As he hands it to me, an excitement bursts through me. I wrap my lips around the straw and suck back a huge sip, relishing the strawberry taste. It’s one of those cocktails that’s so well made I can’t taste the alcohol in it at all. But I know it’s there from the way that it makes my head spin.

“Thank you very much.”

He bows his head to me, which brings back the penguin memory. Honestly, it’s almost impossible not to chuckle at him. “You are very welcome, Miss.”

“My man steps closer, closing the space between us. My heart beats faster and my mouth runs dry with desire and lust. As I can feel the intense heat emanating off of him I’m filled with the most intense electrical sensation in the whole world…”

“Hello,” a voice bursts through my shock barrier, causing my eyes to tug away from the paper. It’s deep and chocolatey, melting me inside. “I saw you from across the deck a moment ago and I just knew that I had to speak to you.”

Hot damn, it’s him!

As I realize that it’s my dream man that I’m looking at, the one that I’ve just been writing about, I snap my notebook shut and swing my legs around to the ground. “Erm, hi.” I can feel my cheeks heating up, my body freaking out, I just know that I’m not acting in any way cool at all.

Hold it together, I warn myself. Don’t blow it because of shyness. I need to get my groove back

“Are you a guest on the cruise?”

“Huh?” I don’t quite understand the question. “Erm, yes, yes I am.”

He chuckles, the most adorable sound that I’ve ever heard in my life. “Ah I see, I work here you see.”

“You do?” In all honesty I haven’t thought much about the staff here. I see them about the place, serving all the customers, but I never really look at them. I feel guilty, what sort of person doesn’t notice staff? Am I more like my mother than I first realized? Just another thing that I desperately need to change… “What do you do?”

“I play music,” he says with a self-deprecating shrug. “I’ll be doing a show later on in the ballroom if you’re up for it?”

I haven’t watched any of the entertainment, mostly because it all sounded really lame, but I’ll sure as hell go to see this gorgeous guy playing. “Yeah, I think I’ll be there, actually.”

He smiles as if I’ve said something that he really likes and he extends out his hand to me. I take it, and as our skin brushes together I feel excitement coursing through my system. If he can make me feel this way with just a handshake, imagine how he will make me feel if he touches me everywhere…

Oh God, I need to sort myself out.

“I’m Stephen, by the way,” he says in a seductive tone of voice. As he smiles at me I spot the mischief in his eyes which draws me in deeper. I love that glint, it makes me think that of all the naughty things he seems to want to tell me. “Stephen Jones.”

“Yeah, I’m Tia. Tia Daniels. Are you from New Zealand?”

“I am actually.” He looks impressed. “Most people automatically think Australia.”

Stephen, what an amazing name Stephen from New Zealand. It rolls off my tongue and thrills me. I definitely want to go and see his show, I feel a spark of magic within me. This might just be the night that I finally throw caution to the wind and I have some much needed fun.

“I guess I’ll see you later, Tia,” he says while taking a step back from me. “I look forward to it.”

“See you,” I whisper back while biting down on my bottom lip to try and contain my smile. “Can’t wait.”

Chapter Four - Stephen

As I stand backstage, I feel an unexpected flurry of nerves racing through my system. I don’t usually feel anything like this before I play a gig, especially one so small time and with a clientele that really isn’t me, but today is different. Today the gorgeous brunette from the deck earlier on has promised to come and watch me play and I want to be good for her.

My heart beats a little faster as I think about her sexy, svelte body in that black, tight bikini she had on earlier. The way her dark hair spilled down her back and her brown eyes flashed when she got excited… damn, she’s hot. She makes this cruise so much less boring than it really is. I can’t wait to get to know her better.

“…and now, we have a wonderful show for you, ladies and gentlemen.” I hear the host calling out to the audience, ready to announce me. “Stephen Jones, a musical genius all the way from New Zealand.”

I breathe a little deeper, trying to compose myself, then I grab my guitar and I force my feet forwards. My heart races, my mouth runs dry with nerves, but I make myself smile brightly. I need to look confident, even if I don’t feel it. Acting the part allows everything else to fall into place.

I push the curtains open and step into the blinding lights. They’re so bright and white I can hardly see out into the crowd, but I know they’re there. The cheering and clapping proves that to me.

“Hello, everyone!” I yell while holding my hand above my head. “It’s great to be here tonight for Princess Cruises.” I pause for the excitably, drunk audience members to whoop. “Now, usually I would start with a big, wild number but I don’t know if that’s right for tonight.” I’ve been thinking about this all day long, I know my usual set pieces won’t work here. It just isn’t the same people as I get in dive bars. I can make it work though, what does it matter? “So, I’m going to start with a song I wrote called Midnight Blue.”

I perch my butt on the chair and I start strumming the guitar. As I do my nerves subside. Music is my everything, it calms and relaxes me in a way that nothing else ever will. This is why I left New Zealand, because this is what I need to be doing with my life.

“I walk through the midnight valley, thinking only of you…”

My eyes scan the crowd as I sing. Now that I’ve adjusted to the lights a little I can see, but not her. Not yet. I feel disheartened. Was she not as into me as I thought? Did I imagine the chemistry between us?

“…you’re the love of my life and losing you makes me blue…”

It isn’t the most inspired words I’ve ever written, but it’s my first ever song and it holds a special place in my heart. Plus, despite how cheesy it is, it’s a crowd pleaser. Even in the worst of dive bars with the hardest audience members, they seem to love it so I know these people will.

Oh my God.

All of a sudden my heart stops in my chest as I spot her. Tia Daniels. She’s sitting in the back of the room on a table on her own, with her dark hair pulled back and a dark dress that clings on to her curves perfectly. She looks heart stoppingly beautiful, which inspires me to sing even better. I can feel my voice crooning in the best way possible.

My lips curl up into a smile and she does too. We share a really nice moment which manages to blur out the other people in the room. I sing, only for her, and it feels incredible. I like this woman, there’s something about her that entices me in. I think I might like her more than the usual woman I hook up with. There’s something about her that I’m actually interested in.

Maybe the cruise will be the first day of me changing. Maybe, with time locked together on a boat where we can’t escape from one another I might actually give myself a chance to fall for someone.

I never started this trip thinking I would fall for anyone, but it isn’t completely unrealistic anymore.

As the song comes to an end, the cheers become almost deafening. Just as I suspected, everyone loves the slightly cheesier numbers, which I’ll stick to for the rest of the night. Who cares how I get my potential record label signing – if that ever happens for me – I need to get it somehow, and Mom is right. These rich people might have connections anywhere in the world.

“I dedicate this next song to the beautiful brunette sitting in the back,” I say into the microphone, causing everyone around to look at Tia. She blushes brightly which only makes her look even more adorable. “I hope she’ll meet me later on at the bar for a drink once I’ve finished playing here.”

Wolf whistling bursts out around the room which makes me chuckle. Maybe there was a big warning when I first got this job not to sleep with the guests, but that wasn’t serious, was it? I don’t think anyone really sticks to that. I can always pretend I said that as a joke anyway if it gets me in shit. Plus, there’s only a few more days on this cruise anyway. Even if I get kicked off, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

There will always be other opportunities anyway. US is full of them. That’s why I came to America, that’s why I left everything behind.

“Right, here it goes…”

I strum happily, my smile growing brighter. This is going to be an awesome night, I just know it. I can’t wait to see where it leads.

***

“Yes, okay, I know.” The manager will not stop going on about my little comment out there. I don’t want to be a dick but she’s really hashing my buzz. That was the best show that I’ve ever played and now I’m pretty sure that Tia is out there waiting for me, and I’m stuck in here being told that I cannot under any circumstances sleep with anyone who has paid to be on board. I get that, I understand what she’s saying to me, but in all honesty I have no intention of listening to her. “I won’t do anything silly, it was only a joke.”

“Because you understand we can get sued? It reflects badly on the company as a whole.”

I smirk and fix my eyes on the ground. This woman is pent up, in her mid to late forties, and in desperate need of a good shag herself. Maybe if I didn’t already have my eyes set on someone else I would think about offering up my services. Maybe.

“Yes, I know. So I’m going to head straight back to my room now. You won’t need to worry about me.” I fake a yawn. “I’m so very tired. I just need to sleep now.”

She gives me a disapproving look, I know that she can see right through me but what can she do? Unless she can full prove that I’ve had sex with Tia, there’s nothing that she can do. With her hands on her hips and her eyebrows raised, she gives me a sharp nod. “Fine, you get out of here. I will see you soon.”

I stifle a chuckle and I shove my hands into my pockets as I leave. I move slowly so as not to raise suspicion, but I’m sure we both know where I’m headed. I won’t be able to have a drink with Tia at the bar like I originally planned, but that doesn’t mater. We can go back, to her room will probably be the safest thing, and things can progress from there. Of course it will lead to sex, there’s no way it can’t with me., but we’ll talk too… probably.

“See ya.”

I kick the door open, relishing the sound as it infiltrates my ears. It’s too quite in the office, I’m sure every room on this whole damn boat has been sound proofed. I don’t like the quiet, I don’t do well with it. Noise suits me much better. My whole life has been noisy, and that’s the way I love it.

Maybe that’s why I love music. It’s noisy, but in a really pleasant way.

I quickly spot Tia sitting at the bar. She has a glass of wine in her hand and a bored expression on her face. A drag queen has taken my place up on the stage, and while everyone else seems to be loving the jokes, Tia looks anxious and bored. She’s waiting for me to take her away.

“Psst,” I hiss quietly to her from the corner of the room. “Tia.” She doesn’t hear me at first, which means I need to say that a little bit louder. “Tia, over here.”

She spins quickly and sees me. Once her eyes fall on mine her whole face lights up. As her expression brightens she looks even more beautiful than before. She makes my pulse race and my body trembles.

“Come here,” I repeat, using my finger to draw her towards me. She furrows her eyebrows in confusion. “Come on, you have to come.”

She glances around as if she’s in the middle of a spy movie or something before she slowly moves towards me. I grab hold of her hand and drag her out of the ballroom with a giggle bursting out of my chest.

“What is going on?” Tia asks me in shock. “Why are you dragging me away from my drink?”

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to. I just cannot be seen with you in there.”

Tia stops dead where she is in the middle of the hallway and throws her hands onto her hips. She looks fiery and determined which I love. This woman is awesome, there’s just something about her.

“What do you mean?” she demands. “What the hell is wrong with me?”

“No, no, no, it’s nothing like that.” I step closer to her and wrap my arms around her waist. “I just had a lecture from my boss about being anywhere near guests. It’s super frowned upon, so I just don’t want us to get into any trouble.”

“Oh.” She nods as if she understands but I’m pretty sure she doesn’t. “I see. So, what now?”

“We could…” I need to word this carefully so she doesn’t think I’m a dick. “We could go to your room? Maybe have a drink there?”

“We can’t go to yours?” she teases. When she acts coy I can tell that I have her. She’s playing with me, which is an awesome sign.

“No, the staff rooms are off limit… and also shit,” I laugh awkwardly, hating myself for making my shitty excuses. I just didn’t want to get caught with Tia if I could help it, I didn’t want our time together ruined. “I don’t think it’s good enough for someone like you.”

“Someone like me?” She cocks her head and pouts out her lip towards me. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Oh crap, have I put my foot in it? I need to use some of my award winning charm to make this work. “Someone beautiful, like a princess. Someone who deserves it all.”

She nods and takes my hand, taking control of the situation and proving that my charm won out again. Then she pulls me down the hallway and towards the stairs. My heart races as we get closer to her room, I’m excited. This isn’t just a sex thing I’m feeling inside. It’s something more, and that’s actually pretty awesome…

Chapter Five - Tia

What am I doing? Am I really going through with this?”

Sure, I told myself to throw caution to the wind before I stepped onto this cruise, but now that’s actually happening I’m not so sure. It feels good, I’m really excited about it, but I’m just not a one night stand sort of girl. I mean, I barely know this guy. What I know about him I do like, but that doesn’t mean… that’s not a sign that I should just go for it, is it?

Then again, it’s been a long time. Maybe this is exactly what I should be doing. I barely know anymore.

My fingers tremble as I find the keys to my room and I push them into the lock. With a little kick to get it moving faster I pushed the door open to reveal the room inside. I left the curtains open by mistake when I left for the night but now I’m glad because we can enjoy the massive expanse of the ocean in front of us.

“Wow, your room is incredible!” Stephen gasps with shock. He drops my hand and spins around as he walks through the room. “You have so much room here. I’m so glad that we came here instead of my room. You would have been disappointed.”

I smile to myself and close the door behind me with a click. This is fine, if I didn’t do this right now I would always kick myself for passing up on this opportunity. I need to get over what happened to me in the past, once and for all. Sleeping with this random hot guy is just another step on my journey.

“Do you want a drink?” I ask while moving through the room. “There’s a mini bar, you could get something from there if you like…”

I don’t get to finish my sentence because Stephen steps towards me with giant strides because of his long legs. With him close enough to me for me to breathe him in, I feel that electrical sensation, the buzz that I’ve been searching for forever. My heart thunders against my rib cage, my breath balls up in my throat, I feel the fire ignite in my belly.

“You are stunning, you know that,” Stephen comments as if it’s fact. “Really beautiful, and that dress looks amazing on you.”

“It… it does?” I’m acting like I didn’t spend hours picking it out earlier, like I didn’t examine my body in the huge full length mirror to see me from every angle. “Thank you.”

With that, Stephen dips his head down to kiss me, and boy does he kiss me. He literally claims me with his mouth, stripping the remaining air from my lungs, leaving me panting and breathless. Fireworks explode inside of me, I feel like I’ve been dead for a very long time and now this is the kiss of life, bringing me back.

This man is fucking incredible. I like him so much.

I circle my hands around his waist and I pull him in closer to me. My body molds into his, feeling like it’s meant to be there. His strong grip keeps me fixed in place and I freaking love it. I feel safe and protected, happy and exhilarated all at the same time. There’s nothing quite like it.

“Sorry,” he murmurs, taking a step back from me. I instantly hate the cold, lonely sensation I get when he’s gone. “Maybe I shouldn’t have done that, I just find you irresistible. I’ve liked you from the very first second I laid eyes on you.”

I stare up at him, loving the dark, hooded desire in his eyes. This guy is a sexy musician.. He could have anyone he wants, he probably does have anyone he wants. Yet tonight he’s here with me. There’s something extremely thrilling about that. I like that he wants me, it makes me feel truly desired in a way that I haven’t done in a very long time.

“I like you too,” I whisper back. “Now come here, will you, I’m not done kissing you just yet.”

I wrap my fingers around his tee shirt and I tug him hard bringing him back to me. This has started now, I’m nowhere near ready to let him go. Not when I feel like I might explode if I don’t have him.

Stephen walks me gently backwards until I tumble onto the bed. The soft sheets beneath me cushion me and allow me to feel comforted and warm. As he climbs across me and hovers over me, I beam brightly. I feel good, really good. Better than I have done in a really long time. I even might just feel sexy.

This time when Stephen kisses me it’s softer. There’s more romance in it, more love. I really like it, it’s kinda sweet. It makes my back arch and my hips roll towards him. I cup his cheeks in my hands and I hold him there, keeping a little bit of control myself.

But then Stephen hooks his fingers around the bottom of my dress and he slides it upright. I half expect him to leave it at my waist, but he doesn’t. He pulls me off the bed slightly and slides it right up over my head leaving me just in the stark black silky underwear I brought from the lingerie shop – this boat really has everything – this afternoon for tonight. Maybe I didn’t fully know that it would end up here, but I’m glad that it has.

“You look even better with less clothes on,” Stephen says while pressing his lips into my hypersensitive neck. He runs kisses down my collarbone, flickering his tongue over my perspiration on the way. I groan and slam my hands down into she sheets, clinging onto them for dear life as Stephen uses one of his hands to slowly slide down my bra strap. “The more of you I see the more of you I like.”

I reach behind me to unhook my bra. It’s only in the way of my attention grabbing nipples. I want him to run his tongue all over them, I want him to taste me everywhere. As it pops off and I throw it to the floor, Stephen’s eyes light up with glee. He reaches his head down and he devours me, desperately and needily. I moan louder and louder with every flick of his tongue. He’s already sending me to Heaven and back…

“Oh shit!”

Then his fingers slip into my panties. He doesn’t even wait for permission, he just takes what he wants which I freaking love. His hand runs along my soaking wet slit gently, but with an urgency too. I can tell he’s as eager to be inside me as I am to have him.

“Fucking hell, Tia,” he gasps , his breath tickling my body. “You are so fucking wet for me. Did that happen when I was playing up on stage?”

I bite down on my bottom lip. “Yes,” I admit. “Yes it did.” Seeing him up there, in a position of power, driving the crowd wild, it really turned me on. I didn’t know that I like music, but as it turns out I freaking love it. “You were so fucking hot up there on stage.”

His finger plunges into me which sends a shock of sensations racing through my body. I buck and writhe which encourages him to slip in another finger. Just as I settle into the rhythm of what he’s doing to me, he mixes it up by using his thumb to flick all over my clit. The combination is almost too much to bear. I practically bite my tongue off trying to keep quiet.

“This whole damn boat is sound proof,” Stephen whispers into my ear. “You want to scream, you go for it.”

I never let go like that, it’s hard for me. I guess at some point in my life I became something of a control freak and I can’t seem to let that go. I do moan a little louder, but I don’t fully let go yet.

“Tell me that you want me,” Stephen commands. “I want you to tell me that you want me.”

I can’t do that at first, much as I want to I can feel myself holding back. Inside my brain I’m begging him to fuck me, especially as the patterns he’s tracing over my clit become more intense, but soon the need becomes too much. I can feel the pressure of bliss building within me and if I don’t speak soon I’ll lose it here and now.

“I want you,” I whisper. “Stephen, I want you.”

“Louder,” he hisses, working me harder and faster. If his fingers aren’t replaced by his cock soon I might go crazy. It’s time for my fantasy to finally come true. “Tell me louder.”

“I want you,” I repeat, just a little bit louder.

“No. Command it.”

I roll my eyes but through my panting, labored breaths I know that this is what I have to do. “I want you, Stephen,” I say in an almost shouting tone of voice. “I want you to fuck me.”

With that he pulls back from me and he grabs a condom out of his pocket. I don’t even worry that it’s handy for him to have it so close, so easy to grab. Instead I’m just excited that he’s got one. In all my thoughts of doing something wild and getting my itch scratched, I didn’t much think of being prepared. It’d be killer if we got this far just to lose it on the lack of condom.

As he pulls himself free to cover him up, I groan with sheer joy. He’s so huge, so much bigger than anyone I’ve ever seen before which leaves me gasping and breathless. I can’t help but wonder what I’m supposed to do with that… and more, what it’s going to do with me.

“Come here,” Stephen growls while grabbing onto my thighs. He yanks me down to the bottom of the bed so my feet dangle onto the floor and he stands between my legs. I can feel him there, rock hard and begging for entrance. My needy pulsating core wants him so desperately that I roll my hips again. My chest swells, my heart races, my brain buzzes.

And finally he slips in, causing me to see stars. The rest of the world melts away to nothing as this incredible man thrusts hard and fast, sending my body flying.

The heat starts as a tingle in the tips of my toes and it slowly travels down the rest of my body at a million miles an hour. As it does my screams and pants get increasingly loud until I can’t even hear myself think anymore. I’m letting go without even realizing it and that feels phenomenal. My toes curl over as the tingling sensation reaches my heart. Every thrust that Stephen gives me brushes past my clit, and I’m standing on the knife edge of desire, just waiting to be pushed over the edge.

Any minute now…

When it happens, when I finally tumble into the abyss of desire I do so wholly. In the heat of the moment I feel myself give everything to Stephen, I succumb to him entirely. His fingers dig into my hips, my head flies off the bed, the pleasure crashes over me in waves that feel like they’re never going to end. The release is incredible, it’s so much better than anything I could get on my own, it’s wondrous, amazing, I never want it to end.

“Oh, Stephen,” I yell out desperately to him. “Stephen.” I love the way his name feels in my mouth, even now. It’s the sort of name I could imagine saying for the rest of my life, should the opportunity arise.

No, I scold myself. Don’t fall too fast again, Just enjoy this moment for what it is…

But I can already feel myself going. It already feels too damn late.

Chapter Six - Stephen

“Fuck me, that was incredible,” I gasp as I lie panting on the bed next to Tia. Both our chests rise and fall at a truly rapid pace. “That real, truly was.”

I don’t say it aloud because I don’t want to be a dick, but I’ve had a lot of sex. Like, a whole lot of sex, especially since coming to America, but something about being with Tia was different. I knew it from the very first moment I saw her but now I really know it. We have a connection, something inexplicable that runs deep. Something that I want to explore deeper.

I twist my body onto my side and lean on my arm so I can look at her. Her peaceful, blissful, post coital expression is wonderful. I don’t know a lot about her but from my experience with women I don’t think she’s had sex in a very long time. I hope that was a sexual awakening for her, that I re-sparked her interest in the physical side of love because she’s damn good at it. The world deserves Tia to be having sex, Tia deserves to be having sex.

“That really was,” she gasps. “Something else.”

Usually right now my brain is at the place of making excuses to leave, but today I don’t want to. I want to remain right where I am in the bed with Tia and I want to talk to her all night long. I want to learn all about her and her life, I want to dig deeper into her brain to find out more about who she really is. This is a first for me and I have to admit I’m really excited about it.

“I have a confession to make,” I admit while biting down on my bottom lip. She turns to stare at me with a fire in her eyes, which suggests she thinks that I’m about to say something bad. Hopefully she won’t take my next words too terribly. “After I have sex I love to have a cigarette. I know it’s a filthy habit, especially for someone like me who loves to sing, but it’s one I can’t seem to get out of. Obviously, I can’t smoke in your room so do you mind if I pop out?”

“Oh.” She looks discomforted which I immediately realize is because of how I’ve worded things. For the first time ever I don’t want to bang and leave, but that’s what I’ve just made out I’m doing. “I see.”

“No, that isn’t an excuse to leave.” I smirk at her and pull my guitar pick out my pocket. “Look, I’ll even leave this here with you so you know I’m coming back… if you want me that is?” She nods, but it’s hesitantly. “I really do want to stay and have that drink, I’m not about to bail on you after what was the best experience of my whole life, I just need to settle this craving so I can really focus on you.”

I lean forward to place a kiss on her forehead while pressing the pick into her hand. She takes it and clings to it tightly as I pull back. I pull my trousers on while giving her a reassuring smile, but I can tell she still isn’t fully convinced.

“Tia, I like you a lot,” I spill my heart to her, hoping she can see how sincere I am. “This honestly isn’t something that I do to escape. If I want to leave, I’m just honest. You’ll see, I’ll be back in just a moment.”

“Yeah.” She smiles but I can see it’s forced. “Alright then, I’ll wait here until I hear you knocking on the door to come back in.”

I walk towards the door, vowing to be fast out there so I don’t have to see the insecurity in Tia’s eyes for even a second longer, but before I manage to get there something stops me in my tracks and pulls me back in. Her lips… those plump, gorgeous lips of Tia’s. I absolutely need to kiss them before I leave.

Cupping my hand under her chin I bring her face up to meet mine. Worry shines in the beautiful brown of her eyes, which I want desperately to dispel. Damn me and my stupid habit. If this isn’t a clear sign that I need to give it up then I don’t know what is. Maybe when we get back to America I’ll try hypnosis or something.

“I won’t be long,” I whisper, before gently kissing her. “I promise.”

“I believe you,” she finally agrees with me. “But don’t be long because I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll be even faster now,” I insist. “How can I resist such sweet words?”

My soft chaste kiss quickly turns into something more passionate which makes me think that there might even be a round two in there somewhere. Maybe we won’t get to talking tonight, maybe we’ll be too busy exploring one another’s bodies for that, but we still have plenty of time. There’s a few days left on the cruise, as long as I can keep away from management’s eyes I can keep on seeing Tia for as long as I like. I’ll get to learn all about her then. For now, her little promise has my pants stirring once more. By the time I get back I’ll be more than ready to go again.

“Right, you little minx,” I hiss against her lips. “I will be back very soon.”

I take giant strides across the room and I reach out to grab the door handle. Just as I turn it I take one last look at Tia. With her mussed up hair and her flushed face, she looks like a true natural beauty. A growl rises up in my throat and quickly releases itself making Tia giggle. I hope she’s excited for me to come back because now I damn well can’t wait.

I take the steps two at a time in my eagerness which quickly takes me out into the crisp night air. As night time has fallen, the warmth has long gone. It’s always the way out on the water, I should have realized it would be like this but it still makes me shiver hard. I cross my arms over my chest, and move out. I need to get to the designated smoking area and quickly.

This is idiotic, I think to myself. I need to make some serious life changes from today.

It’s very quiet out here, everyone else must already be tucked away in their cabins, getting a night of sleep. It’s where I’ll be too soon enough. I smile to myself as I think about the gorgeous girl I have waiting for me back in her room. She’s wonderful, I miss her already, I already don’t feel like myself around her.

“What the fuck did you do with the money?”

My heart stops dead in my chest when I hear random shouting ringing through the air. My feet stop moving for a second and I listen intently. That didn’t sound good, and I have to admit I’m a bit frightened. I’ve not heard anything bad happen on this boat, and to be honest I never thought I would. Everyone seems to push for this sort of thing but I know what I heard.

“Tell me now or you’ll be tossed from this boat now.”

Shit, this can’t be good. Someone’s in danger. Without thinking much about my own safety I tiptoe forwards. The unlit cigarette in my hand falls to the ground but I barely notice. The idea of getting my nicotine fix is long forgotten as I try to find out just what’s happening. As an employee working on this ship, no matter the capacity, might mean I have to intervene if things get silly.

“I fucking mean it, do you think I’m joking?”

I suddenly spot two men in suits yelling at a guy in what looks like sweat pants and a hoodie. I don’t recognise any of the people, I haven’t seen them while the cruise has been happening, but then I haven’t been everywhere all at once. I haven’t been out of my room much actually, apart from to play, so just because they don’t look to me like they belong here, doesn’t mean they don’t.

“I think I know what happened,” one of the suited men with his back to me declares. I can see that he’s tall and that he has very dark hair but that’s about it. Nothing that could be any use to anyone. “I think you took the drugs, you used some of them for yourself and you sold the rest, lining your own pockets with the cash.”

“N… no,” sweat pants retaliates. “Not at all, I would never, I would not…”

But his jittery shakes gives him away. I don’t really know what’s going on here, and I’m not too familiar with the drug world either, but to me it seems like he’s guilty.

“You fucking did,” suit disagrees with a sharp shake of his head. “And we all know it. This isn’t the first time this has happened, is it?”

“I was mugged… I swear, it wasn’t me.”

Suit steps back and makes a hand gesture at the other man. I take a tentative step forwards feeling that the moment to intervene is coming but before I do something happens to stop me. The other suited man pulls out something from his pocket and all I manage to catch is the metallic glint of a gun.

A gun? Fuck, this is bad.

My heart thunders in my chest, I can barely breathe enough to get any air into my lungs. Panic consumes me, it swallows me up whole causing my legs to freeze to the spot. I’m so covered in ice that I couldn’t move even if I wanted to… and to be honest I’m not sure that I want to. Just because I’m an employee doesn’t mean I want to risk my life. I’m sure as hell not getting paid enough to lose my life.

“Anything left too say?” suit yells. “Anymore bullshit excuses.”

A thick ball of emotion lodges itself in my throat as the man pleads for his life. I don’t know how, but I feel like I’ve seen enough movies to know how this is going to end and it isn’t good.

Bang!

Everything moves in slow motion. It’s almost as if it isn’t quite real. I hear the gun shot, even though a lot of the sound gets lost in the wind, but since there’s no immediate after effects I start to believe I might have just imagined it. Maybe I’m going a little crazy.

But then something slams into sweat pant’s chest and it sends him flying over the edge. His body spills from the boat like a rag doll, which is a truly sickening sight. I actually feel vomit ball up in my stomach, I think it might burst out onto my feet at any given moment.

“Fuck.”

The word fells out of my mouth without me thinking about it. I don’t even know how loud I say it until the men in suits both spin around to look at me. My eyes widen, my frozen legs start to melt, the need to get the hell away from this horrible situation overshadows anything else. It’s as if I have a survival instinct deep inside me, and it finally kicks in.

Flash.

I see a bolt of lightening or a camera flash as I take off in the direction of my bedroom but I don’t stop moving. I need to escape, I need to be alone in my room, I need to lock myself away so that I feel safe.

In all of this, Tia is long forgotten. All I can concentrate on is my fear and my need to get away from it. It’s my life on the line here, I can’t think about anything else.

Chapter Seven - Tia

Home, sweet home, I think sarcastically as I step through the door. Oh fucking joy.

I don’t want to be back here, this is the last place in the world I want to be, I just don’t have any choice. Now with the cruise behind me, I really need to start focusing on my real life. There are no more excuses, I need to get back to reality.

I drop my bag on the floor in the hallway and run my eyes over the mass expansion of house that lies before me. I’ve always thought that we have far too much room for three people, especially when there are plenty of homeless people in the world, but just like the rest of my opinions it means nothing.

I run the pick around in my fingers, trying to draw some comfort from it. The orange guitar pick that Stephen pressed into my hand with a promise to return… a promise that he obviously had no intention of keeping. I woke up eventually the next morning, still naked, still alone, with only the pick for company. At first I tried to make some excuses for why he didn’t come back. I told myself it didn’t matter because it wouldn’t be long until we saw one another again anyway. I naively assumed that there wasn’t anywhere on the boat that he could vanish to until we docked somewhere… but it seems I was wrong. Somehow, he managed to vanish forever, leaving me with only this pick to remember him by.

I should chuck it out, I know that would be the wise thing to do, but for some reason I can’t. When I do I’ll be accepting that it’s over forever. Silly as it is I just can’t let it go.

“Mom?” I call out, actually hoping that she isn’t home. Really, I want to be by myself for a bit. “Dad?”

No one answers me, so I walk through the house aimlessly like I used to do a lot as a child. I always had a lot of friends, but I wasn’t ever allowed to have them over at the house… obviously because of my dad and his dodgy dealings. I went to their homes, but I couldn’t all the time, and because I was an only child I just used to walk around the house looking for something to do. Sure, I had all the toys, but what fun are they with no on to play with? That’s just boring. So, I would wander around aimlessly, just like I’m doing now.

I guess some things never change.

Maybe this is where the loneliness started actually. I’ve been blaming it on other things but there’s a very good chance that it started right here in this very house. It came for me early on and has stuck with me ever since. For one brief naïve moment, I thought my wild night with Stephen might be about to turn into something to cure that, especially when he said that he wanted to talk, but that – like everything else – turned out to be bullshit.

I sigh loudly and shake my head. I need to forget about Stephen now, I need to push him out of my mind if I actually want to get my life in order. He’s gone, he made sure of that, and there’s no way in hell I’m getting him back. I don’t have his cell phone number or his address and he doesn’t have mine. We met on the cruise ship, we had one wild night, and that’s the end of it. I just need to shake off this sadness and start moving my life in a positive direction. That’s all. Easy peasy.

“What do you think, boss?”

All of a sudden I’m shocked by a voice floating down the hallway. I assumed I was in the house alone, no one answered me as I yelled out, but clearly I didn’t do it loud enough. I recognize the man’s voice well. It belongs to Adrian Walker, my father’s ‘business partner’. He’s always been a familiar face in this house, but I still don’t know what he does. Obviously, something dodgy if he works with Dad. Plus, there’s also the fact that he also refers to my dad as ‘boss’. That seems weird and mafia like to me.

I can’t stop myself, I sneak along to the room I can hear the voices coming from, needing to know more. I’ve always been kept out the way of these business meetings, for obvious reasons, which has only made me more intrigued. Now I can discover what I think I know, what I need confirmed, without anyone giving me shit for it. I just need to make sure I’m not caught eavesdropping. No problem at all.

I like the idea of a mystery anyway, it gives me something else to think about other than my broken heart, my aimless life that feels pretty pointless at the moment, the fact that I feel like I’m years behind my friends… I can forget it all for just a minute.

“I don’t think we can leave him, you know. It just isn’t right.”

Through the heavy wooden door my dad doesn’t sound impressed. I recognize that grave tone well from the times I did stuff wring as a kid. The funny thing is when I started to get older and into doing things that were worse, such as underage drinking, he had gotten so wrapped up in his business that he didn’t really care about me at all.

“So, you think we need to kill him?”

My blood runs cold. I know I’ve always assumed that my father isn’t a nice man, but to hear the word ‘kill’ tossed about so causally makes me feel sick. Maybe this is a bit mafia like in a way that I really don’t want to think about.

My pulse races harder and faster, my stomach churns and twists upside down, my blood runs icy cold. I raise myself up onto my tiptoes and I push my ear right up against the door. Screw worrying about getting caught now, I have to know what’s being said.

“You have his picture, don’t you?” Dad replies, a little scathingly. “So I can’t imagine it’ll be too hard to find him. He’s just one guy, you know? Barely out of his teens by the look of it. Just find him, kill him, prevent any potential witnesses coming forwards.”

The words I’m hearing are straight out of some terrible gangster movie, but they’re being spoken in real life, in my house, by my family member. And not only are they talking about killing someone, but someone young too. Someone probably a similar age to me. An innocent bystander probably, someone who just saw something completely by accident. They’ve already had their life shaken upside down and now they’re going to lose it over God knows what.

I wonder what the person saw. I wonder what they witnessed to deserve losing their life.

I step backwards, clutching onto my chest as I do. This is wrong, it’s so wrong, but what the hell can I do about it? Maybe I can work out who they’re talking about to try and warn them… or go to the cops… anything to prevent this murder from happening.

But how can I? Realistically, it’s impossible. I don’t even know what I heard really and there are ways my father could play it off. Maybe he would pretend that he was joking. Then I’d be in for it. I know how private his business is, I’ve spent my whole life having that drilled into me. Dad will go absolutely mental at me for breaking his rule.

Maybe I’ll even end up on his hit list.

“Do you have a preference how we do it?” Adrian asks, his voice travelling even though I don’t want to hear anymore. He’s like a fog horn, he just booms. I don’t know how he’s ever managed to have a private meeting in his entire life! Maybe that’s why it’s always been here. “Shooting, stabbing, something a little more… fun?”

He sounds twisted and excited, which only makes me feel sicker. How can he be such a messed up man? How can my mother and father have let me be anywhere near all of this? I’m certain Mom knows and she just doesn’t care, but how twisted of her to let it affect me. If Dad is a criminal, which I’m not sure he is, then that life could have come back to haunt him. Someone could have kidnapped, harmed, or killed me just to get to him. Unless everyone knows he doesn’t really care about me of course…

“I don’t care,” Dad replies dismissively, as if he’s talking about what to have for dinner rather than cold blooded murder. “He’s a pest, just get rid of him before he becomes a squealer.”

Then I hear footsteps which is my cue to leave. I spin on my heels and take off running as quickly and as quietly as I can manage. I need to get up to my bedroom, I need to hide and lock myself away from the world while I try to process this. I cannot deal with being caught listening in, especially not to that conversation.

As I reach the front door, I grab my bag to bring it up to my room with me. Maybe Dad will guess I’m in anyway, but I don’t want to give him any clues to my whereabouts. I race up the stairs, taking some of them two at a time as I go, and soon I find the room I’m looking for.

I tear inside and lock the door behind me, before collapsing breathlessly to the ground. My lungs are constricted, I can’t seem to suck back enough air for them, and that only gets worse the harder I try. Even a tear runs down my cheek as I think about the horror that I’ve just experienced.

My father is a criminal… a killer… the worst sort of man around.

I feel utterly helpless, hopeless, like I have a huge weight on my shoulders that I can’t do anything about. I don’t feel like I can just sit here and do nothing while someone’s life is in danger. I want to, need to, take some sort of action. Maybe I can’t go to the cops yet, but that’s because I don’t have any evidence. If I think about it, my father runs a lot of his business from this house, he always has done. He must keep something incriminating in here. If I find something and I take that to the police then I can stop him before someone else dies at his hands.

It isn’t right for my bloodline to be killers, I just can’t accept that. Maybe my mom doesn’t mind because she gets to wear fancy things, but blood money doesn’t do it for me.

I have to get out of this house, I think determinedly to myself. Once I’ve done this I need to escape. My family are hell and I have to get away.

I glance around the room, confirming that thought. My bedroom is a shrine to the person I was years ago before I left for college. Pictures litter the walls, all my old stuff is scattered everywhere, it’s been left exactly as it was as if to let me slide right back into the person who I once was, as if I never left her behind at all. The immature school girl who cared more about her friends and make up than anything else. In a way, I’m miles away from that person now, but in another way. I’m still just her. Insecure, scared of the world, no idea where I’m going to go. Only now I have new knowledge, and it’s the information that my father likes to kill people. There’s no coming back from that.

Chapter Eight - Stephen

I glance behind me for what feels like the hundredth time, a sick iciness consuming me. I don’t think I’m being paranoid, I’m pretty sure I’m still sane, although my brain does feel a bit like it’s cracking under the pressure of everything. I hope I’m just imagining things because the alternative is unbearable to think about… but I do think there’s someone in the shadows, chasing after me.

It’s been that way for ages.

Ever since that night on the cruise ship, things have been going downhill for me. I couldn’t leave my room on the boat the whole time, I had to feign sickness for the rest of the time I was aboard, just because I was so damn scared of getting caught by one of them… the murderous men who put a man to death over what seemed to be some drugs money. If the suits can kill that easily without even thinking about it, then there’s no telling what they’ll do to a man like me.

A witness.

I don’t like to think of myself that way. Basically, it scares the shit out of me, it sounds so ‘bad Mafia movie’ but that’s exactly what I am. Even if the memory is hazy now, tainted by fear, I can still remember it. I still saw it. I saw a man being murdered. I probably could have done something to stop it and I didn’t. Now he’s dead and my life is on the line.

Plus, I cannot forget that I’m pretty sure they took a picture of me. It’ll probably be blurry, but I’m sure big time criminals have a way of overcoming that.

I think it’s pretty safe to say that I’m fucked.

As I spent the rest of the cruise pacing my tiny cabin room, thoughts of Tia would occasionally pop up. I felt bad for leaving her the way I did and not going back, but I just saw someone die. It’s safe to say I wasn’t thinking straight. Also, I just couldn’t leave my room for any God damn reason. I even had to get the staff to bring food to me, just to keep me alive. There was no way I could go out just to see her to explain. I didn’t want to endanger her either. Just because I found myself in trouble, didn’t mean she had to be dragged into it too… I was trying my best to keep her safe!

Maybe if I thought ahead and I took her cell phone number, I could have spoken to her again, but I didn’t. That’s just something I’ll have to live with. Forever now. Maybe it was never meant to be, maybe it’s best that I just accept that. I probably would’ve ended up getting bored with her anyway. All that bullshit about really liking her was probably just a fad. I know what I’m like, never destined to settle down. Probably.

I pull my hood up over my head and tighten the strings to keep my face covered. Then I dip down an alleyway that I’ve never been down before, trying to keep the man that’s following me away from learning my address. Maybe it’s pointless, maybe he already knows, I’m not too sure. All I’m positive of is the fact that I’m not feeling the constant prickle on the back of my neck for nothing. There is someone out there who’s after me, and they have a reason to be. If I’m not careful I’ll end up dead because of it.

I think it’s time to go back to New Zealand, I think morosely to myself. I can’t stay here like this. The US just isn’t the same.

My steps quicken, I almost run in a bid to get away from the person following me. Or not even the person following me since I haven’t actually seen them yet. I don’t know what they look like. Just the feeling that I’m being followed.

Ring, ring…

Ring, ring…

I almost leap into the air with shock and fright as my cell phone bursts to life. I’m so much on edge that it nearly gives me a heart attack. The ringer sounds so much louder than usual even though I know for a fact that it isn’t.

Stop being crazy, I curse myself as I slide it out my pocket. I’m acting like I’m guilty and I haven’t even done anything. If I’m not careful I’ll actually draw attention to myself instead of pushing it away.

“Hello,” I say nervously into the receiver. I didn’t recognise the number on the screen so this could be anyone.

“Is that Stephen Jones?” a female voice asks me. “I’m Violet, I work for Princess Cruises.”

“Erm, right.” There’s a part of me that isn’t sure whether or not this is a trick. I saw them men on that cruise, just because this woman sounds nice enough it doesn’t mean she isn’t part of a terrible, criminal gang. I don’t remember a Violet but that doesn’t mean anything. I’m always forgetting names. “Y… yes, it is.”

“Right, good. I just wanted to let you know that one of our customers…” My heart stops dead in my chest. This isn’t good, this isn’t good at all. “Saw you playing on the ship and wants to have communication with you.”

“They did?” Still I cannot trust it.

“Yes, Mr. Beaumont. He works for the Rage Records label and he’s interested in getting your number.” Still I’m not sure whether or not to believe it, but to be fair this is a major name. If it’s the truth then it’s just what I’ve been looking for. Rage Records will be perfect for me… it’s the big break I’ve been waiting for. It’s just a shame that it doesn’t feel right. “Of course, because of our data protection act I can’t give out your information without your permission, so I got his instead.”

I forget all about my stalker for a moment and turn towards my house. I don’t want to push something so potentially massive to one side because I think it might be a trap. I need all the information first.

“I’m just headed inside,” I tell Violet with as much happiness as I can muster in my voice. “I would love to take all the details. It sounds like an incredible opportunity.”

“It does, doesn’t it?” she coos happily. “That’s why I just had to ring you right away.”

Once I get inside and I slam the door shut behind me, clicking the lock as I got, I head straight into the kitchen to grab a piece of paper. Violet reads out the number to me and I scrawl it down. She also tells me everything that was said, which sounds pretty real to me. I’m still not totally convinced but I decide to just go with it for a moment.

Once I hang up the phone I spend a moment breathing deeply, panting almost as I try to collect my thoughts. I want to ring this number, I need to know if the offer from Mr. Beaumont is real or not, and the only way I can do that is by taking the plunge.

Don’t let this paranoia ruin you, I warn myself. This might be my ticket out of here.

Maybe I don’t need to go all the way back to New Zealand, maybe I can escape those men but stay in the US. If I get famous I’ll have people around me all the time, protecting me. I won’t ever need to worry and look over my shoulder again.

Without another thought, I hit the dial button and I pace my kitchen while I wait. My heart thunders so loudly in my chest that I fear it might burst free at any time. I find my teeth chewing on my bottom lip as anxiety gets the better of me. I’ve never been like this before, I’m usually confident to the point of being arrogant, but now I’m like a shell of my former self. I doubt the people in my life would even recognise now.

“Hello, Mr. Beaumont’s office,” a silky smooth female voice offers. I feel the tight knot loosen in my chest and my shoulders to sag with relief. This seems real. Like, really real. Maybe this is actually happening for me! “How may I help you?”

“My name is Stephen Jones,” I reply with only a little shake in my voice. “I’ve been asked to call this number. I was an artist on the Princess Cruise.”

“Ah okay,” recognition sparks in her voice. “Yes, I know. Mr. Beaumont is very interested in you. He’s actually in a meeting at the moment so I’ll have to get him to call you back if that’s okay?”

“Oh, right that’s fine.”

I can hear the sound of rustling papers in the background. I try to imagine the sleek office that I’m sure this woman is sitting in. All white and silver, very show offy. The music industry is all about appearance. Artists, offices, everything needs to look amazing. That’s why I need to take this chance if it comes my way. Soon enough I’ll be far too old.

“Actually, I know he wants to meet with you face to face so I can set that up if you like?”

My excitement grows, I know this is a good sign. Music moguls don’t bother wasting time on people they don’t give a shit about. “Yes please.”

“Can you do Friday at eleven AM?”

Oh my God, is this real? Is this really happening? I reach my fingers down to pinch my arm, but the sharp radiating pain that greets me reminds me that I am actually awake here. This isn’t a dream at all.

“Sure, sure, sounds good.”

“Wonderful I shall pencil you in.” The thing is she really does sound like she likes the ides of me coming in for a meeting. I must have done better than I thought with my one show on the cruise. How much better I could have done had the damn murder not happened. “I will see you then. Goodbye.”

“Thanks, Violet.” I must be keen, I even remembered her name. “Goodbye.”

By the time, I hang up the phone the second time I feel much more positive about things. This is amazing, a great sign that things are going my way at last. This is exactly what I came to America for and now it looks like it might really be happening. I jump around excitedly for only a moment, celebrating before reality crashes down on me once more.

It makes things crystal clear to me, and actually the one thing that comes out of it the most is the fact that I need to go to the cops about what I saw on the boat. I mean, I already thought that but now I really know it. I just have to find a way to do it anonymously so it doesn’t bring a load of shit my way afterwards. Maybe I couldn’t do anything to save the dead man, but I can let his family know what happened to him and I can try to prevent it from happening to anyone else. Including me.

I want to go into my dream with a clear, focused head. I want to be able to enjoy it. I don’t want to be worrying about criminals coming after me. I need to put an end to this once and for all.

I glance at myself on the small mirror that I have on my wall, allowing a smile to spread across my lips. Maybe I do look tired and more drawn than usual, but that’ll change when I put all this behind me and I get my mojo back. I’ll be back to my handsome self soon enough. I will get back to Stephen Jones and then I can finally start living the dream.

Chapter Nine - Tia

They’re all living the God damn dream. All of them, it really isn’t fair. As I scroll through Facebook, taking a break from my writing that really isn’t happening, my heart sinks lower into my chest. Diana has been positing some incredible looking pictures of Cambodia and Tokyo, Helen has already been promoted, and by the looks of it Alexa is doing amazingly with her wedding planning. It’s only me stuck in my teenage bedroom, ignoring the one piece of writing that I’ve done since college, getting nowhere with my plan to move out at all.

At this rate, I’ll be here forever.

‘He’s there, standing in front of me, the man I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love with. Or if not love, then lust. With his hot, muscular body nearing mine, my heart leaps and dances about in my chest. There’s a fire in the pit of my stomach, a burning that races all the way down to my center. If I don’t have him soon then I might just die.’

I don’t know what it is about this paragraph but I really want to finish it. There’s something about the text that gets my heart racing and pleads with me to be inspired. Maybe it’s because it reminds me of how I felt when I first saw Stephen Jones. That magical moment when I finally started to feel like someone new.

I pick my pen up and hover it over the page. I want to write more, I feel like the words are in there within me, but they’re trapped. They’re waiting for something. Or maybe someone.

If only I could see Stephen again. I don’t know why but I feel like that could solve everything. Even if he’s a player who totally blew me off I just want to see him. Maybe it’s just to get answers, to learn why he didn’t come back for me after he promised that he would, or maybe it’s because I miss him and he’s handsome. So damn handsome.

There’s no point in me looking him up online. Mostly because I already have and for someone that wants to have a music career he has a very sparse social media presence. I’ve found a very bare Facebook profile. I’ve sent him a friend request but I haven’t had anything back as yet. I don’t hold out much hope because it doesn’t look like he’s really into it at all.

I sigh loudly and roll over on my bed so I’m staring up at the ceiling. All I want to do is get the hell out of here but I can’t seem to do it. Something is holding me in place and I don’t know what it is.

“Tia?” Mom’s voice rolls up the stairs. “Are you in?”

I haven’t seen much of her since I’ve been back, but I think that might be more because of me than anyone else. I’m avoiding her, I’m avoiding Dad, I’m basically just avoiding life. Every time the house is empty I take a look around, I snoop trying to find what I can, but I don’t get anything. My dad keeps his office locked when he’s not in there and it seems he has the only key that he keeps on him at all times, so I have to assume that he’s meticulously careful and everything is only in there. You would think that he’d have one slip up and he’d accidently drop something somewhere, but it seems not. Maybe that’s why he’s such a good criminal.

“Yeah, I’m here,” I practically mumble back.

“Can I speak with you?”

I know she’s asking for permission to come into my room and I’m also very aware that she’ll find a way in whether I say yes or not. I flip back onto my front, slam my laptop shut and tuck my notebook away. This house might be big, but it’s no good for privacy. For me at least. I’ve been forced to learn how to make things look boring so Mom doesn’t don’t bother.

“Yep. Come in.”

I force myself into a sitting position and I brush my clothes down. Maybe if I make myself look presentable Mom won’t notice that I’m falling head first into a pit of depression. One that I’m not sure I’ll be able to claw my way out of.

By the time Mom has pushed the door open I think I look normal enough, but judging by the furrowed expression on her face I haven’t managed to pull it off.

“What is going on with you, Tia?” she asks in an exasperated tone of voice. “You just aren’t you anymore.”

“Erm.” I can feel my face flame with humiliation. I cough awkwardly trying to cover up my embarrassment. “What do you mean?”

“Oh, Tia.” She shakes her head in despair. “When you left here you were such a happy girl, always laughing and having fun with your friends. Now, I don’t know who you are anymore. You’re always locked away in your room, you don’t speak to any of us, I never see you with anyone. What happened to you? Did you have a bad time in college? Or maybe on the cruise?”

I screw my fists up in temper. I don’t want to say it aloud for fear of having a massive argument but I don’t see how she has the right to say this to me. She barely knows me, she didn’t know me then and she doesn’t know me now. This is all superficial observations that she’s basing this off of. Maybe if she really knew me she would have more reason to be worried, but that isn’t the point here.

“I’m just trying to work out what to do, Mom, that’s all. I’m trying to work out my next move. I thought you said I could stay here for as long as I need to.”

“You can,” she insists rapidly. “This isn’t that. I’m just worried, that’s all. Are you happy? Can you honestly tell me that you’re okay at the moment?”

I part my lips, ready to reassure her again but before I do I halt myself. I’ve been wanting to speak to Mom about this the whole time, I just haven’t had a chance. Maybe this is the opportunity that I’ve been waiting for. She’s in my bedroom, we’re alone, Dad is out as far as I’m aware… it has to be now.

“No, Mom, I’m not happy.” I purse my lips and shoot her a determined glance. I wait for her to challenge me but she doesn’t. She waits for me to start speaking again although I can tell by the way she desperately tries to keep her expression straight that it isn’t patiently. “I overheard something the other day in this house that has me really worried.”

Almost as an instinctive reaction she stands and she paces up and down the room. “You… you did?”

I need to pursue this now, no matter what. “I came home and I didn’t think that anyone was in. As you know I didn’t come home much during the holidays when I was at college…”

“You didn’t come home at all,” Mom accuses. “Not even once.”

No, because I didn’t want to come back into this circus freak show, I think, but of course I don’t say that aloud.

“So I wanted to familiarize myself with the house again.” I offer Mom a one shouldered shrug. “I was just walking aimlessly around.”

“And what happened?”

“I heard…” I sigh loudly and hang my head. “I head Dad and Adrian talking about murder.” I expect Mom to gasp or something, but she remains dead silent. “Mom, did you hear me? They were talking about murder. As in, they are going to commit murder. They’re going to kill someone because someone saw something they didn’t like.”

Mom still doesn’t say anything. She just nods and looks at her feet. Sickness coils around in my stomach, I have to clamp my lips tightly together to stop it from spilling out. My brain buzzes painfully, I can almost feel it banging against the sides of my brain. This doesn’t seem like Mom just ignores everything and turns a blind eye to it, it seems like she actively knows and she chooses not to care because of a few designer handbags.

“Mom? Why aren’t you saying anything?” I warn. “Don’t you think we should go to the cops or something?”

She grabs onto my arm and gives me a truly panicked look. As she does I realize it’s the most emotion I’ve ever seen in her face in my entire life. Even through all the Botox I can see that she’s terrified. “You cannot do that. You can’t go to the police. You go to the cops and you wreck everything.”

“Everything?” I push her off me and step backwards. “So, you’re okay with this? You don’t mind your husband, my father, killing someone just so you can keep everything? Are you insane?”

She opens her mouth but no words come out. She knows as well as I do that there is no excusing what she’s done. I open my eyes wider at her, showing her my shock. Now she’s standing across from me and she’s a whole new woman. Someone that I really don’t like or need to be around. I guess I don’t know her either.

“Well that’s fine, you don’t want me to go to the cops about Dad because it might take your house and your wardrobe away from you, that’s fine, but I strongly suggest that you do something to stop him from killing. People like him don’t get away with it forever. His lifestyle will catch up with him eventually. And I’m not going to be around to see it.” Determination floods me, I know now more than ever that I need to get away. “By this time next week I’ll be gone, and I don’t want any blood money to do it with.”

Mom sneers at me. “And how do you think you’ll cope without it? You think you’re so much better than me but you’ve been living off that money you’re whole life. You’ve benefitted so much and I really don’t think you’ll last.” She screws up her nose in disgust at me. “Look at you, you’re so lazy you haven’t even bothered to get a job yet. How will you cope when you have to? When you need the cash to pay bill?”

“I’ll get a job,” I insist. Tears fill my eyes but I don’t let them fall. I will not allow this woman to see me cry no matter what. “Even if it’s waitressing. People do it all the time. I can do it too.”

Mom laughs loudly as if the idea of me succeeding is ridiculous, which make my blood boil and my body burn. “You can’t do anything, Tia. The sooner you learn that the better. Maybe you’ll go and you’ll try but you’ll soon be back, begging for Daddy to pay everything again.”

“Get out,” I spit angrily. “Get out, Mom. I don’t want you here, I don’t want to speak to you again.”

“Yeah, sure.” She rolls her eyes and flicks her hair back. “Whatever, Tia. Honestly I can’t be bothered with you anymore. I came in here to try and look after you but clearly that’s not what you want, so whatever.”

As she leaves I feel a tear rolling down my cheek. I don’t even bother to brush it away I just leave it there, reminding me that everything is falling apart. If I thought things were bad when college ended then I had no idea what was coming for me. Everything is a billion times worse now. My shitty family has fallen further apart, my friends are even more distant, Stephen is still nowhere to be seen…

I think it’s time to accept that my dreams are never coming true. Maybe it’s time to start thinking about my life in a much more realistic way.

Chapter Ten - Stephen

Right, police today, interview tomorrow.

Those words keep circling my brain as I move forwards. Police today, interview tomorrow. Put the past me right now and start on my future tomorrow. It’s not a bad plan, but something about it keeps twisting around in my gut. It’s almost as if I’m scared of it, but I don’t know why. Sure, I can still feel the prickles on the back of my neck as I move, but I’ve come to the conclusion now that it’s all just my paranoia. I’m sure once I’ve unloaded this weight, all will be done. I can go back to normal and reclaim my life.

As my feet continue to go I try to plan what I’m going to say. I need to make it very clear to the cops that I’m not crazy so that they take me serious. I also need to find a way to ensure that my identity remains a secret, that part is vital. I’m sure the cops have some sort of policy where I can tell them things in secret. Right?

“Stephen?” I hear a female voice call out from behind me, and for some reason my instincts tell me that it’s Tia. Even though I’ve tried to push her to the back of my brain as just another one night stand I can’t. She keeps coming back, no matter what I do. My heart lifts in my chest, excitement courses through me. If Tia has found a way back into my life then that will be a sign that everything is going to be okay. “Is that you?”

But as I spin I realize that I’m wrong. It isn’t Tia at all, it’s the red head from the dive bar. I can’t remember her name, I don’t even think I know it. All I can remember, and the memory is admittedly very vague, is a quick shag in the stock room.

“Oh right.” I shake my head to try and rid it of disappointment. “Hey.”

“What’s going on?” she purrs, moving closer to me. “I haven’t seen you for a while. How was your trip?” I shrug, not trusting myself to speak. “I thought you were going to come and see me again afterwards.”

“Oh right, I… I’ve just been very busy.” I’m stammering, I can barely string a sentence together. The only thing I can really concentrate on is getting to the police station and sticking to my original plan. “Sorry about that. Maybe at the weekend…”

“Why don’t you come now?” She hooks her arm into mine and tugs me towards her. “I’m about to go and open up. We can have a good hour to ourselves if you like.”

The old me would have jumped at the chance, but that me died on the ferry along with the man who got shot and thrown off the edge. “Oh I can’t, I have to be somewhere I need to.”

“Where, baby?” she asks, leaning in close so her breath tickles my cheek. “Where you got to be that’s so important?”

I don’t answer her because there’s no way in hell I want to get into the story with someone I barely know. Instead I shake my head and keep my lips squeezed tightly together.

“Why don’t you come with me then?” She tugs on me harder, which suggests to me that she’s never going to let me go. “We don’t even have to do anything. We can just have a drink.”

“I don’t want a drink at this time of the morning…” My words trail off as I realize that actually I do want a drink. Just to steady my nerves. It isn’t the best idea in the world, but it feels good to think about. I even lick my lips in desperation.

“Come on.” The red head senses my weakness and she yanks me until I can’t help but follow her. I’m not really thinking much, I’m just going with the flow because I know it won’t really ruin my plan. Police today, interview tomorrow. That still stands. I’m just having a little moment first, some time to myself.

“So, we’ve had a few bands in since you place,” the red head talks non-stop as we move. “But none as good as you. We’ve really missed you a lot, you know. Or at least I have.”

“Hmm,” I comment idly, barely listening now. “Yeah.”

“Yeah, we had this one guy with bongo drums which was as bad as it sounds I can assure you…”

Soon we’re outside the bar again and I get that weird sense of déjà vu. The last time I was here I was just about to go onto the cruise that changed my life. For the worse, yes, but also for the best if tomorrow goes well. I don’t know how to feel about it, it’s a strange sense of anticipation that fills me.

The red head fiddles in her pockets, looking for the keys and she slides it into the door quickly. Once it’s unlocked, she pushes on the door before falling backwards and clapping her palm onto her forehead.

“Oh my God,” she gushes. “I almost forgot to pick up toilet paper. I can’t start the day without getting some or I’ll never get time. Then it’ll end up a real mess in there and I’ll get complaints all day long.” She gives me an odd look, as if she’s weighing me up. “Will you go in there and hold the fort for me for like five minutes? I won’t be long I promise, I just need to head to that shop around the corner. You can pour yourself a drink.”

I take this as a sign. “Actually, I think I need to get going…” I call after her, but it’s too late, she’s gone.

I huff and push the door open. I can’t leave the bar unlocked and unattended, it might get broken in to. I’ll just wait inside for a few minutes, get one drink, then go when she gets back, get to the police station and get started…

“Stephen Jones,” a deep male voice booms making me jump. “Well, well, well, we meet again.”

“Huh?” I’m confused. “What? I’m sorry, I thought…” I don’t even know her name. “I thought there was no one here. I was told to come to be here so no one broke in…”

“By Katie?” A shadowy figure comes into the light. It’s someone tall, with dark hair and a scarred face. I can’t pick out anymore features than that because it’s still quite bleak in here. “The red-haired beauty who works here? Yeah, I know. I told her to say that. You see, me and her have gotten very close recently.”

“Close?” Of-course I know what he means by close, how could I not know. Me and her have been close too. Whoever this man is shagged Katie to get to me, or so it seems, and I need to work out why. I think I might possibly know, but then again, I don’t want my paranoia to dictate me either. It’s already ruined enough of my time in America. “What the hell is going on here?”

“Me and you need to have a little chat don’t you think? About your time on the Princess Cruise.”

Right. Of course. Just what I thought it was going to be about. “I…” I stammer, staggering backwards. “I don’t…” Do I deny that I saw anything? Do I pretend I never intended to tell anyone? Do I grow some balls and front it out? “I don’t know…”

“There’s no point in trying to convince me of anything, Stephen Jones. I already know that it was you who saw a little incident on the boat and now we need to make it right.”

“I… I won’t tell.” I try to edge my way back towards the door, but I quickly stagger back into another male body behind me. My heart hammers in my chest, a nauseous feeling overcomes me. I cannot believe that I’ve been duped. Katie tricked me into this mess and now I have no idea how I’m going to come out of it. “I didn’t even really see anything so I have nothing to say. Plus, the cops will probably blame me too because I didn’t do anything. Maybe I’ll get locked up too. Not that I’m going to say anything, or do anything. I just want to…” I feel like my tactic isn’t working. I need to try something else. “I will go back to New Zealand. You never have to see me again.”

“I won’t ever see you again.” I see a baseball bat being pulled out from behind the man’s back which confirms it. I’m in real trouble. I glance my eyes everywhere, trying to search for an escape but there isn’t any way out. Bodies surround me everywhere. This man isn’t giving me any chance to get away. He clearly doesn’t know what my skills are when it comes to fighting. Admittedly I have no fighting skills, but that might not be the case I suppose.

“Please,” I beg. “Please just let me go.”

“Don’t start begging.” The man with the baseball bat doesn’t look impressed. “It never suits people when they start begging just take it like a man, okay?”

“W… why not a gun?” The men move closer to me. The circle moves closer to me, I can feel the air squeezing out of my lungs. Any minute now I’ll pass out and make their job easy for them. “Wouldn’t that be cleaner?”

“Easier for you maybe,” the man laughs. “But more boring for us. Also, loud.” He shrugs in a blasé manner, making it obvious that this is something he does all the time. “Little Katie gave us this place out of the kindness of her heart. I don’t want to abuse that trust by getting her in trouble.”

The world spins violently around me, I can barely see anymore. I blink frantically, trying to regain my vision but fear has it now. The man steps forward and lifts the bat above his head. I flinch which only makes him laugh. He’s toying with me, playing with my emotions, like a tiger with a mouse.

“Okay, I… I’ve learned my lesson… I won’t… I won’t…”

But I don’t get to finish my sentence, because then a bat slams down on the side of my head leaving me with a blinding, red hot pain. It burns down my neck, down my back, to my knees. My legs shake, I can feel myself falling to the ground. It’s almost as if the bat has rid me of a lot of my brain function and I can’t cope anymore.

Then I fell a kick at the back of my leg, sending me the rest of the way down. I’m helpless, tumbling like a blade of grass. There isn’t even enough of me to fight back. I might not stand a chance but I can’t even do it. My arms slowly move upwards to protect my face but it’s too late. They’re already beating me on every part of my body, trying to leave none of it unscathed. If I survive this then every inch of my body will likely hurt forever more. I won’t be the same person anymore.

But I don’t think I’m going to survive this.

The blackness is coming for me, I can feel it. It’s like a circle around me trying to claim me. There’s a part of me that wants to claw and cling to life, to hold on to what I’ve worked so hard for. I want that life, the one that I was just working towards, the one I was just about to get…

Police today, interview tomorrow.

Maybe that’s not going to happen now. Maybe nothing is going to happen now. Maybe it’s time to just give in to the blackness.

Chapter Eleven - Tia

The day starts just like any other. I have no idea that my world as I know it is about to come to an end. I’ve been trying my hardest to work out where I’m going next with my life and packing up my belongings along the way so at least I’m making progress to moving on with my life. I know that I need to get away from my family, that must have been evident since the damn day that I set foot back into my home, I just need to decide where I want to go. Yes, start up money isn’t a barrier, but that’s not all that I need to think about. When I go, I want it to be right. I sure as hell don’t want to be back here in a few months time with my tail between my legs, needing to start again.

As I pad down the stairs to grab myself some breakfast I try to gear myself up. I do this every morning at the moment, I’m trying to brave the moment when I’ll actually tell Mom that I’m leaving. I want to do it, I want her to know that she’s driven me away, but I keep stopping myself at the last moment. The second I say those words it all becomes real and I guess I don’t want that to happen until I’m sure of where my next move will be. I keep thinking that maybe I should move near Diana, Helen, or Alexa, just so I have someone I know around me, but I’m not too sure. I don’t know what I want.

“Morning,” Mom calls out brightly, as if she can’t see the inner turmoil snaking through me. “You look tired today.”

“Yeah, thanks,” I grumble back while taking a seat at the dining table. My head shakes in shock as her greeting words. “Good morning to you, too.”

She places the newspaper on the table, one I’m sure she’s only pretending to read, and she examines me more closely. Her eyes rake over my body as if she’s picking up all of my insecurities one by one. I almost want to fold my arms across my chest to hide myself but I know there’s no point. That’ll only make her worse.

“You know, you could always come to a spa with me today,” she muses thoughtfully, probably assuming that she’s being helpful. “My masseuse is a very nice man. Handsome too.” She sends me a wink as if we’re girlfriends rather than mother and daughter. It makes me feel sick that she can just act so normally when she knows that I know the truth about her and Dad. Isn’t she embarrassed at all? “I’m sure he’ll be able to fix you up and put a smile on your face.”

I roll my eyes and push myself into a standing position. Then I move my way over to the coffee pot. I need some caffeine if I’m going to get through this without losing my freaking mind. “Yeah, we’ll see, Mom. I don’t know much about that.”

The liquid pours into the mug and I focus on that sound rather than the drivel coming out of Mom’s mouth. If she honestly thinks I’m going to go on a girly day out with her then she’s got another thing coming. Once it’s full, I press the mug to my lip and allow the delicious heat to sear through my throat. Then I move back to my seat, grabbing the newspaper as I go. Maybe if I put it up in front of my face, she’ll take the hint that I really don’t want to talk to her.

“…so I think it’ll be good for the both of us to spend some time together, don’t you?”

“Hmmm,” I murmur while flicking open the pages. She continues to talk but I pay no attention. My eyes simply scan the words as if I’m drinking them in. I’m not really reading anything, until…

“Oh my God.” My heart stops dead in my chest, sickness rises up into my throat, I have to gulp to keep it all inside. “Holy fuck.”

“Tia!” Mom has the indecency to sound shocked by my curse word, as if that’s the worse thing that happens in this house. “What was that for?”

“Oh, my God.” I ignore her, pushing back my chair and moving away from my coffee mug as I forget all about it. The words in front of my eyes swim and dance, grabbing my attention much more fiercely than anything else. “I have to go.”

I bolt back up the stairs before Mom can say anything else, taking them two at a time as my heart pounds boiling hot blood right through my body. My brain buzzes as if I have a large bee inside there, clouding up my thoughts, I don’t know what the hell to do anymore. This is… it’s just too much.

Once I’ve flopped back onto my bed and I stretch my body out, I pull the paper back out and I find the article once more. It’s still there, it hasn’t vanished into thin air as if I’ve imagined it, which I half expected it to do. But nope, it’s still there.

‘Stephen Jones, small time musician, found dead in local bar.’

No, it just can’t be. This can’t be possible. I reach across to the night stand and I grab Stephen’s pick which I roll between my fingers as I read. Maybe we only spent one night together and maybe he ditched me at the end of it, but I still feel like we shared something special. I still feel like we had some sort of connection that I really enjoyed. Now he’s just… gone. Dead. Vanished.

‘Barmaid of the Crown, Katie Miller, found the beaten body of Stephen Jones and was the one to contact the police. “I don’t know what happened,” she told us. “I locked up the night before and no one was in the bar, then the following morning I unlocked it to find him.”. She did not know Jones, but had seen him play at the Crown a few weeks before. “He seemed troubled, like he knew that he was in trouble.”’

I scrunch the paper between my fingers, growing angry with each passing word. Stephen certainly didn’t seem troubled to me. When we met, he seemed happy as anything, and that gig he played was absolutely amazing. There was no way he knew that he was in trouble. The only strange thing to happen was that he vanished in the middle of the night after we had sex and I didn’t seem him for the rest of the time that I was aboard, but that doesn’t mean anything… does it?

Not able to solely believe the words written in the paper, I click onto the Internet to try and find out more. Everyone knows that online journalists are much quicker than traditional ones, so I’m sure that if there’s any more information to be found, it will be online.

Nope, nothing. Absolutely nothing. This is madness!

After fifteen very frustrated minutes, the only info I can find is what I already know. I guess Stephen Jones just wasn’t an important enough person to warrant more news than that which is sad. He had a whole life, and he was murdered, and no one seems to care. Except me… and his family in New Zealand of course.

With a deep and sorrowful sigh, I fold the paper up and I tuck it away. I can’t look at the words anymore, they’re crushing me, making me feel ill. I didn’t have much with Stephen Jones, but with the shitty way that my life has been going recently this is just another thing that brings my mood even lower. It crushes me and makes me want to weep pathetically.

I can’t stay here, I think with a hot determination. Even more than before. I have to get away. There cannot be any more excuses. No tears, no sadness, just action.

I push myself off the bed and glance around my room. I don’t have much packed up because I didn’t want it to be obvious what I was doing, but I have the essentials. I have all I need even if I don’t have all that I want. I can just take all of that and leave right now. I can go and never look back. I can say goodbye to my murderous father, my pathetic mother and I can just become me… whoever the hell I am.

With that one thought in mind I stand up and move over to my wardrobe. I ignore all of my fancier clothes and go for some comfortable sweat pants instead. I don’t know how I know it with such clarity, but I just know that I need to get out the country if I want to really escape this… at least for the time being. Moving to another state won’t be far enough I need to be somewhere so far away that all of this is a distant memory.

Once I’m dressed I flick my laptop back open and I head towards the airline website. I figure I’ll pick somewhere on a whim, whatever flight is leaving today. I just need to get out before I succumb to the sobs and I spend another week on my bed crying. If I let the sadness of Stephen’s death to get the better of me then I don’t know how long it’ll be before I can escape. Maybe I didn’t know Stephen well, but I don’t think he’d want me to cave to depression.

I grip tightly to the pick as I run my eyes over the available flights, waiting for inspiration to hit, and soon it does. There’s one flight that stands out, that grabs my attention without me even trying. The only seat available is in economy class which isn’t what I’m used to and won’t be pleasant, but there’s something about it that still feels right. It’s a country that’s calling out to me, drawing me in.

New Zealand.

Maybe I can’t have the guy, but maybe that isn’t the reason he came into my life in the first place. Maybe I was always supposed to go to New Zealand. Without dwelling too much on the decision, I hit book and allow a flurry of excitement to wash over me. Then I grab my bag and I race down the stairs with the hint of a smile on my face. Everything still sucks I know that, but I feel good to be taking action. It’s pretty much the first time in my life that I’ve ever done something so productive.

“Mom,” I call out loudly. “I’m going.”

“Where are you going?” she replies, coming to join me in the hallway by the front door. “And why do you have that big rucksack?”

“I’m moving, Mom. I’m finally going.”

“Oh.” She looks understandable stunned. “Right, I see. Where are you going.”

The words roll off my tongue feeling so damn good. “New Zealand.”

Mom clutches her chest looking like she might throw up. “You can’t leave the country,” she gasps. “You can’t just go like that.”

“I’m an adult, Mom, I can do what I like.” I resist the urge to roll my eyes.

“Your father won’t like it.” She shakes her head rapidly. “He’ll stop giving you money. You’ll be stuck out there in a different country all by yourself.”

I think about the money that I already have in my bank account and shrug. I have more than enough to get me started, even without a steady influx, and I’ll just get a job when I’m out there. No problem. Actually, the idea of starting again all by myself with the pressure of having to do something with my life is nice. I feel like that’s exactly what I need right now.

“I know, Mom.” I shrug. “But this is what I have to do.”

With that I open the door and I scoot outside without looking back once. I know I’m making the right choice, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. I need this. I need to go.

 

Chapter Twelve - Tia

One Month Later…

“Oh my God, I needed this night out,” my new best friend, Ashley, smirks and rolls her eyes. “Work is really riding my ass at the moment.”

“Yeah, me too,” I comment idly. I don’t mind though, I like the hard work. Landing the position as a staff writer for one of the smaller newspapers in Wellington was a pleasant shock and just proved to me that leaving America was the best thing for me… a fact that I have confirmed to me every single day. “Good job it’s Julia’s birthday then.”

“Where is Julia?” Ashley puts her hand over her eye and scans the night club as if she’s just going to find her. The place is absolutely packed, I have to say I don’t think she’s got much luck in finding anyone, least of all Julia. “Is she with Nick?”

“Who’s Nick?” I’m new to this group of friends, which I think they forget sometimes. I’ve only been in New Zealand for a month, but I have to admit it feels like much longer even to me. Sometimes it’s my life in America that seems like the distant dream and that I’ve always been here. All the drama with my parents, it feels like someone else’s problem now. It feels so disconnected from me, it’s wonderful. “Is he her boyfriend?”

“Boyfriend is a strong word,” she chuckles and nudges me playfully in the side. “More like fuck buddy. He’s hot though, so I don’t blame her. I sure as hell would!”

“You aren’t thinking about it… are you?” I might only really know this lot from work, but they don’t seem like the disloyal type. “Not if Julia likes him.”

“Oh God no.” She shakes her head. “You know I’m only interested in Mr. Serscey.”

Urgh, our boss. I have no idea what Ashley sees in him, but then I suppose it’s each to their own. Everyone has their own tastes and if that’s the sort of man she likes then at least we won’t ever fight over a guy. I don’t much go for the older, slightly balding, definitely married types. I much prefer people without attachments, closer to my age.

“Right, sure.” I shake my empty glass at Ashley indicating that I need to top up. “I’m headed to the bar. Do you want anything?”

She holds up her bottle of beer and smiles. “Yes please. I’m headed to the bathroom. Maybe Julia is in there… hopefully by herself. I’ll meet you back around here in a bit?”

I know that won’t happen, losing friends in a night club is just standard, but I don’t mind. I actually feel much freer and confident here in New Zealand. It makes me realize just how tightly wound I was in America. Even at college I was like a coil ready to spring. No wonder things didn’t work out between me and Liam…

Not that I’m thinking about Liam anymore. I don’t really think about anyone in that way. Of course, it’s challenging not to think about Stephen because I’m in his home town. I often wonder what he would be doing if he were still alive and living here. Would he come to night clubs such as this one or would he be too cool? Would he be playing gigs all over the city or would he still be struggling to find his fame? Maybe this is the sort of place he used to come before he made the journey over to America. I just don’t know. I wish I did, but I don’t.

I keep his pick with me the whole time, just wanting to keep his spirit alive. Just because we didn’t know each other for a long time, doesn’t mean he didn’t affect me. Meeting him drove me to this place and helped me to find my happiness. I will always be grateful to him for that. It is a shame that he isn’t here to share this journey with me, but I suppose I cannot change what’s already happened. It is what it is, I just need to make the best of what my life is right now. At least it’s good, at least I’m happy now. That’s the most important thing.

I wave goodbye to Ashley, hoping that I’ll at least be able to find her before the night is up, and I push my way through the throngs of the crowd, trying desperately not to get stuck in the sweaty, swaying bodies. I can see the bar up there in the distance, but with the effort it’ll take me to get there, it feels like a mountain I have to climb.

I sigh loudly and wipe some perspiration off my forehead. It’s just lucky that I’m much more casual about how I look these days and I don’t mind the natural look. I have a little bit of make up on but it’s not enough to get melted or smudged by the intense heat that’s floating through this room. I wipe my wet hand down on the skirt of my black summery dress and I push my way forward. I really do need a drink and this is the only way I’m going to get one.

“Oof.” Someone bangs into the back of me and sends me flying forward. I bash into the person in front of me but as I start to apologize I realize that she’s too intoxicated to care. Instead, my eyes automatically fly around to find the person who bashed into me.

“Sorry, miss,” he mutters into my ear as he brushes past me.

That voice. I stop dead where I am on the spot as I get chills. Goose bumps pop up and down my arm as I gulp noisily. I know that voice, I know it well. It’s the voice I spent one amazing night with, it’s the voice that brought me here, it’s the voice that I often hear in my dreams, attached to the beautiful man who inspires me every day. But that’s impossible.

My eyes trail in the direction that the man has left and my heart skips a beat. Not only does he have that voice, he also has the same shaggy blond hair and muscular broad shoulders. I don’t think I’m seeing things, I think it might really be him,

Stephen Jones.

But how? It isn’t possible, rationally I know that.. Stephen got killed in America, in some dive bar. Some chick called Katie found his dead body… but as my eyes continue to follow him I become even more convinced that somehow it’s him. He even shares the same swagger. I don’t know how, but it has to be him. Maybe the newspaper got it wrong, maybe it was a case of mistaken identity. If I really think about it, it was only one small article I saw, barely nothing online. I left pretty sharpish after that and I never thought to check up the details afterwards. I didn’t even search him again, almost as if I didn’t ever want to know.

Maybe, just maybe he is still alive. It isn’t possible, but maybe it is.

I think about the pick deep in my purse and I just know what I have to do. I can’t leave this mystery unsolved, I need my answer. I came all this way half way across the world after a chance meeting with him, and now despite all the odds being stacked against us, it seems like he’s here. Really here, in the same building as me, within almost touching distance.

I push my foot forward determined to take a step, and as I do it seems that time speeds right back up again. I didn’t even notice it slowing down as I watched him but now it’s moving too quickly. Everyone is rushing, the sounds whooshing into my ear are too loud, it makes me a little panicky and sick. I can barely keep track of him now and I’m absolutely terrified to lose him again because once I do I just know that I’ll never see him. This is my one and only chance. I have to take it. I need to grab it with both hands or I’ll always regret it.

The bar is forgotten, as is my thirst. I even forget about my friends as I race forwards. Luckily, I know that they’ll understand. I’ve told Ashley about Stephen and the story that brought me to New Zealand so I know for a fact that she’ll get it. To see the one person who’s had a profound, life changing effect on me standing in the same night club as me… it’s fate intervening, it has to be. What other explanation is there for this?

“Excuse me,” I try to be polite but it isn’t getting me anywhere. This is a desperate situation and I need to make my escape. “Move!” I eventually yell. “Get out of my way!” I leave a trail of drunk, disgruntled people behind me but I don’t care. My heart is hammering in my ears, my blood flow is violent and hot, I’ve never been so focused in my whole damn life. I don’t care about anything, only getting to him. He’s my end goal.

Finally, my eyes find him again, only he’s headed towards the exit. That might be better actually, maybe we can have a proper talk outside of this nightmare. I move faster and more determinedly, excited to get to the exit. Any minute now I’ll be with the man that I just know is Stephen, and I will finally get my answers. I can’t wait to find out what happened, how he disappeared, who was really murdered.

“Stephen,” I call out unabashedly as the cold air hits my face. I blink a few times trying to adjust to the darkness as my eyes scan from side to side. I see bodies everywhere, littering the streets around me, but none of them look like him. Disappointment crushes me as I realize that despite my best efforts I might have lost him after all. “Stephen!”

Did I imagine him? Have I finally cracked and started seeing him? I guess that’s possible, maybe it’s just taken a while for my traumatic time to catch up with me. Maybe it’s been there in the back of my mind, waiting to crop up, and now with a little bit of alcohol in my system it’s finally happened. I gulp, shaking my head as a tear threatens to fall. I’ve become so desperate to find him that I’ve started to imagine him the distance.

I turn my body, starting to make my way inside, but before I do I feel a hand clamping down on my shoulder. It’s a strong and firm grip that halts me in my tracks and makes my heart stop dead. There’s something commanding about it that makes me feel all weird inside.

I twist my neck and crane my gaze up to look at the man staring down at me. Those green eyes, familiar yet strange all at once, the man I know but don’t know all the same. My breath feels frozen to the spot and my limbs are utterly filled with lead. I couldn’t move even if I wanted to, which I don’t because I’m right where I want to be.

“Stephen,” I whisper. “Is that you?”

He takes one hand off my shoulder and steps backwards as if he’s drinking me in. I feel exposed and vulnerable as he looks at every inch of me. I don’t see a flicker of recognition there which confuses me. I know he’s probably a playboy but was I that unmemorable? I remember every damn thing about him. He impacted me in a way that I never thought possible, and now I don’t know what to think anymore.

This was a mistake, I think sadly to myself. I should have left things as they were, a beautiful memory.

“No.” He shakes his head rapidly. Sending confusion flooding through me. “Not Stephen.”

“Not Stephen?” I ask curiously. But that isn’t possible. If this isn’t Stephen then who the hell is it?

“No. I’m Kian. Stephen’s twin brother.”

 

Chapter Thirteen - Kian

“Oh.” I can see shock crossing her face as she tries to process what I’m saying. “Stephen never… he didn’t tell me that he had a twin brother.”

I feel crestfallen at that. I know things were never amazing between me and Stephen, especially as we got older and our competitive nature when it came to our music careers got in the way, but I didn’t expect him to ever cut me from his life. Maybe he left for America when we weren’t on the best of terms, but we were still twins. How the hell can he just forget that? We have… had a bond. It’s supposed to be an unbreakable kind, a twin thing.

“I see, so he didn’t tell me about you.” I stuff my hands awkwardly into my pocket. “Well I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised at that. He always was very secretive.” I run my eyes up and down her, drinking in her long dark hair, her brown eyes, and her curvy body. I just know where my brother met her, she’s just his type… female and sexy. “Are you American? Is that where you met Stephen?”

“Erm, actually I met him aboard the Princess Cruise. He was playing a show there and I was a guest aboard.”

Something about that word sparks a memory inside my mind and I tug my cell phone out my pocket. “I got a random text when he was on that ship,” I gush while scrolling through to find it. “I didn’t answer it at the time because it was the middle of the night when I got it, and to be honest I never thought much about it, I guess I just assumed that he was drunk. It’s only with hindsight that I think there might be more to it.”

Actually, I forgot all about it until she mentioned the name of the cruise, but I don’t want to tell this mysterious woman that. I don’t want her to think bad about me. Especially not now that my brother is gone.

“You didn’t text much?” she asks as she takes the phone from my hand.

“Not really.” I give her a one shouldered shrug. “Stephen wasn’t much for technology. I always told him that was crazy if he wanted to be famous. No one gets anywhere without a social media presence, but he wouldn’t ever listen.” I shake my head as I realize what I’m saying. “Although I guess that isn’t important now.”

“So, he really is dead,” she replies morosely. “I guess it’s time that I actually start to accept that.” Her eyes run over the screen and she starts to read aloud. ‘Kian, it’s me, bro. I’m doing a show on the Princess Cruise ship and I’ve seen something. I’m scared. I don’t know what to do.’ She looks up at me with wide eyes. “And you ignored this?”

“I did try to call him the next day.” I don’t know if that’s strictly true, I did think about calling him but I can’t remember whether or not I actually did. “But he was always sending me weird texts. I think he drank too much when he got to the US so it was hard to see what was real and what wasn’t.”

“He was scared,” she says biting down on her bottom lip. “Which makes sense because he vanished. He just disappeared.”

There’s something about this girl that screams out knowledge. I don’t know what it is but I can just tell that she knows something. Me and my family were just told that Stephen got into a fight and was killed but now it seems like there might be more to it. It’s hard for me to accept anyway, I don’t feel right knowing that my twin brother isn’t out there in the world anymore, so if I can discover the truth about what actually happened to him then maybe I can finally get some closure.

“My apartment isn’t far from here,” I tell her coyly. “Do you maybe want to come back with me and we can talk some more about it. I feel like this is something that we both need to get off our chests.”

She nods gratefully and breathes deeply. “Yes, I think I would like that.” She half smiles at me showing just how awkward she feels, then she extends her hand out to me. “I’m Tia by the way, I don’t think I said that yet.”

“Tia.” As my skin grabs onto hers and we shake, I feel a connection growing. This is someone new, someone who knew Stephen in at least a little bit of the time that he was missing from my life. She’s exactly the sort of person who I need to get to know to find out the missing jigsaw pieces. I didn’t even realize that I needed that, but I do. “Come on, let’s go.”

The walk to my apartment is done so in silence. Every time I glance over to Tia I can see that thoughts are racing through her brain. There must be something here, she’s an American girl that magically turned up in the middle of New Zealand armed with information. It’s as if someone thrust her into my life for a reason and I need to find out what that reason might be.

I unlock the door and we move inside. My eye scan about the place taking in the mess everywhere. I’m not the tidiest type, but I would have cleared up if I knew that anyone would be round. It’s been a long time since I’ve had any visitors, even before Stephen died people didn’t come to see me.

“Sorry, it’s a mess.” I grab a few things and put them into piles., but I give up when I realize that it really doesn’t matter. “I guess I didn’t think I’d have anyone here.”

“It doesn’t matter,” she replies awkwardly. “I wasn’t expecting to meet you either.”

“No.” I extend my arm towards the couch, indicating for her to sit down. She takes my command and perches on the edge. I grab a slightly warm beer off the side and pop it open to give to her. “I suppose not.” I take my seat and stare at her. “Do you mind telling me more about what happened.”

She nods and pales while taking a sip of the beer. “Okay, well I met Stephen on the cruise, like I said. He started to talk to me in the day and invited me to see him play at the night.” I smile to myself, smooth as always. Stephen was always so much better with the ladies than me. I guess it did piss me off when we were younger. Especially since the beautiful women like Tia are just the sort I would like. “I went to watch him play and we… hung out afterwards.”

“You don’t need to explain.” I let out an awkward chuckle. “I know my brother.” Knew I knew my brother. I need to remember that he’s past tense now.

“Yes.” Her cheeks flame red which makes me feel bad. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. Maybe it’s colored her memory which wasn’t my intention at all. “So, we hung out, and then he said he was going for a cigarette.” She reaches into her bag and pulls something out of her purse. “He gave me his pick and said it was a promise that he was coming back.”

My eyes find the instrument in her fingers and my heart skips a beat. That’s the pick that my brother has had his whole musical life. That was important to him, more than anything else. Probably even more than his family. The fact that he gave it to Tia means something.

I lean forward and take it from her. I flick it idly between my fingers as my heart pounds. “If Stephen gave this to you then he meant to come back,” I rasp nervously. “I know for a fact that he would never leave this behind anywhere.” I stare in her eyes, needing to be honest now. I can’t worry about her opinion of Stephen anymore. “I know for a fact that he slept with a lot of women just the one time, that was a part of his thing, but the fact that he gave you this means he was coming back. He wanted to see you more.” I bite down on my bottom lip as a realization hits me. “I think it means he liked you. Really liked you a lot.”

“Oh.” She doesn’t know what to say, I can see it in her eyes. “Right.”

I stand up and pace up and down. “He gave you this, he wanted to come back.” I repeat. “But he didn’t. Then when you consider the text.” My brain is spinning fast, I’m trying to process everything quickly. “Something happened.” I stare at Tia. “Something happened that night which is why he didn’t return.” My heart beats in my mouth. “He saw something, something that scared him away from you and made him text me.” I gulp as I try to work out how it’s all connected. I haven’t had so may clues before, now I have them but I don’t know how to fit them together. “What was the cruise like? Were there dangerous people aboard?” I stare at her, maybe she’s the key. “Do you have any dangerous exes that would want to keep a new man away from you?”

She looks understandably overwhelmed by my accusation. “No, I… the cruise was nice. Full of posh people. You really think he saw something aboard that got him killed some time later?”

“It’s possible, isn’t it?” She doesn’t have an answer to that. “I can’t imagine Stephen ever directly getting himself involved in a dangerous world, but it might have happened by accident.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Tia whispers thickly. “I suppose it is possible.”

Without even thinking about it, I stomp across the room and I grab my own guitar. I strum it with Stephen’s pick trying to rise his spirit once more. I haven’t felt close to him since he died and I miss him like crazy.

“You’re very good,” Tia eventually interjects, reminding me that she’s in the room. “Very talented. The way that you play reminds me of him a bit.”

“He’s much more rock than me.” I shake my head. “He was much more rock than me.”

“I only heard him play softer songs, but I suppose that’s because it wasn’t exactly a rock and roll venue.” She smiles a little to herself. “He was really good.”

I stare at Tia, drinking her in. There was something about her that attracted my twin brother enough to really like her. He liked her enough to hand over his beloved pick. I want to spend more time with her, I want to get to know her better, I want that connection with Stephen to continue.

“So, are you on holiday in Wellington?” I ask, trying to sound causal. I feel awkward and weird, like I’m being a creeper.

“No, I live here now,” she replies calmly. “I came here to escape everything. And I guess to feel close to Stephen too.”

Hmm, he had an impact on her just like she did him. This is something that I need to find out more about. “Would you like to hang out some more?” I ask.

She nods slowly. “Yes, I think I would. That won’t be weird, will it?”

Probably, I think.

“No, I don’t think so,” I say aloud. “It’ll be good. For the both of us. I think.”

“Good, yes.” We’re both as unsure as one another, but I’m still certain this is the right thing to do. “Let’s do it.” She takes my phone from me once more and enters in her number. “You should call me sometime. Let’s do this.”

Chapter Fourteen - Tia

Is this wrong? Should I be doing this? Am I utterly crazy?

As I stare at the phone screen looking at Kian’s message, I feel really weird about it. Every time we aren’t together I feel like we shouldn’t hang out anymore, I feel pretty sure it’s overstepping some invisible boundary, yet I still can’t stop being drawn to him. I can’t ignore the pull that draws me in every single time. I also can’t ignore the good feeling I get in my chest every time I’m by his side. I feel like I’m a much better person and that the possibilities are endless…

“Is that your secret lover?” Ashley teases as she sees me staring at my phone. “Are you ever going to tell me who it is? I’m sick of trying to guess!”

I want to, I’ve wanted to from the very beginning, but I haven’t. Partly because it’s been a delicious little secret just for me, a little link to my old life in my new life, but also because I do feel guilty about it. I feel so bad that I might just burst… but I don’t know how much longer I can keep it in for. I need some advice from an impartial person, and there’s only one person in the country I trust enough to tell. I need to just rip off the band aid and do it.

I lean forward and look from side to side, checking that no one is listening. When it appears that we are actually alone in the office, which is a big rarity meaning the timing must be right, I start whispering.

“It isn’t a lover, it’s something more complex than that.” Her eyes light up and she leans in too. I suppose it’s good for her for someone else to have gossip to share, especially me. I suppose I’ve been quite boring up until now. “It’s…” I bite down on my bottom lip and glance downwards. “Well, you remember the story about Stephen?”

“The mind blowing night that brought you to New Zealand, yep I think I remember that one.” She smiles coyly at me and chuckles. “I know it’s a tragedy, but I’m glad it happened because it brought you into my life.”

I’m so touched by her words that I continue with my story with ease. “Well, on the night of Julia’s birthday, when I disappeared, it wasn’t because I felt sick. It was actually because I thought I saw him in the night club and I chased him inside.” Before that sympathy can really set in, I continue. “As it turned out, it was his twin brother, Kian.”

“Did you know he has a twin?” Ashley gasps, shocked. “I mean, that’s crazy, isn’t it?”

“I didn’t know that and yes it is crazy.”

Ashley glances down at the cell phone in my hand and her eyes widen. “Oh my God. Is it him you’re hanging out with?” I nod a little bit sadly, realizing how foolish it sounds aloud. “And how are you hanging out?”

“Only as friends,” I insist in a panicked fashion. “It’s nothing more than that…”

As I trail off my words, Ashley seems to read more into it than is there. She presses her elbows into her knees and looks at me. “But you like him?”

“No, it isn’t that.” I mean, I don’t want to admit it aloud but my heart does skip a beat every time I see him. It’s only because he reminds me of Stephen though, nothing more… although I suppose the more I get to know him the less I remember Stephen and the more he becomes a person in his own right. The more I make memories with Kian. Kian is now more prominent in my mind. “It’s just… friends.”

“Right.” Ashley sits back in her chair and rakes her eyes over me curiously. “You know it would be totally fine if it were more though, right?” My eyes snap up to her as I try to work out what she’s saying to me. “I mean, no one would judge you. I certainly wouldn’t.”

“You… wouldn’t?” It isn’t more than that, it isn’t, but I still want to hear her opinion on that.

“Of course, I wouldn’t.” She shrugs. “You spent one night with Stephen, one night.” She holds up one finger to highlight her point. “Yes, it was one amazing night, but it was only the one night. Then, he vanished. I don’t want this to sound callous, but now he isn’t here anymore. Something happened and he’s died now.” She takes my hand reassuringly in hers. “You are still alive and so is Kian. If you like him then there shouldn’t be anything holding you back.”

Her kind words unlock something within me, but before I can set any of it free I need to make sure. “But isn’t it weird? I had a thing with his twin brother. Isn’t it disrespectful to his memory? Isn’t it… odd? I don’t know. I don’t even know how I feel about Kian, I just… I don’t know.”

I glance down at the ground and chew the inside of my mouth. Tears well up behind my eyes but I refuse to let any of them fall. I’ve been so strong so far, I’ve been doing really well. The last thing I need to do is ruin all of that now.

“Tia, listen.” Ashely’s tone is so kind that I move my eyes up to meet hers. I can see nothing but understanding in her gaze which helps me to feel a little better about everything. “If Stephen’s death means anything to you, it’s that life is too short. You shouldn’t worry too much about things you should just live in the moment because it could all be gone tomorrow. You need some happiness, and so does this Kian. You’ve both been through a horrible time. I’m sure if you can find comfort in each other then surely that’s a good thing?” Still I can’t see it, my brain is fogged up with the notion that I’m a terrible person. “Think of what you would advise me if I was in your situation. That is what you should do.”

The room fills up again, leaving me unable to answer Ashely but I suppose she’s right. If it was her I would want her to be happy and her rational words are correct too. Me and Kian do share something, and if it can only be friendship then that’s better than nothing.

I look at my phone again, reading the message.

‘I’m playing at the open mike night at Serena’s coffee shop if you want to come and watch me later. K x’

My heart flutters I can’t stop it. There is something between me and Kian and I’m sure it’s more than just friendship really. He might look like Stephen but inside he’s a different person. He’s quieter, more modest, less demanding. I really like that about him, I like the way I can feel more chilled out around him. It’s exactly what I need right now, it fits win with the new, New Zealand me very well, If I think about kissing him, I don’t instantly think about Stephen, not anymore. I just think about him.

‘I would love to. I will see you there. T x’

I need to just forget about all the hang ups I have, mostly because they come from the opinions of others not me. I need to stop caring about that, I need to just focus on what I want in life. If I want Kian, then so be it. Who says anyone else gets an opinion on what I do with my life anyway? That only happens if I let it happen.

A delicious, tantalizing thrill races up and down my spine as I think about that. I smile so brightly that it’s as if I have a coat hanger between my lips. Ashley catches my eye and she gives me a thumbs up. At least I’ll always have her support no matter what I do.

‘Looking forward to it, K x’

I feel like maybe he’s feeling the same way about me too, and I’m sure if Stephen wasn’t ever in the picture then something would have happened between us already. We’re only holding back because of my history. Maybe tonight is the night that will change. Maybe that’s why my heart is already beating faster at the mere thought of him.

I cradle my cell phone to my chest and let my imagination run free. I haven’t written anything else for myself in a long time which I haven’t minded because I write all day as my day job, but now I can feel inspiration flowing wildly through me. If I was at home with a pen and paper in my hand I would probably be writing already, but I can’t because I have things to do. I’m at work for a reason, I can’t slack off.

‘Me too, T xx’ I reply pointlessly, adding another kiss. I guess I just want him to see that there might just be more to it tonight. Maybe. We’ll see…

***

I swish from side to side trying to look at all of my dress in the mirror. I have such a small one bedroomed apartment that I can’t even fit a full length mirror in it. When I think about my old home with wall to wall mirrors, it’s completely the other end of the scale but I’m much happier here. I wouldn’t change it for the world. I don’t need the space and the mirrors, I have all I need right here. This is my home now, and it always will be.

The checked black and red skater dress hangs nicely on me. Since being in New Zealand I have put on a little bit of weight, so my curves are more prominent, as is my cleavage. I love my new frame. It’s part of the much happier me. Then I tug my fingers through my hair. Maybe I should try and do more with it than just hang it loose but I’m sure it’s fine. I’m sure if Kian is going to like me then he will do whatever. I have a bit of make up on, but not much. I’ve highlighted my eyes which I think is my best feature anyway. Or so I hope.

Oh God, this is nerve wracking, I think desperately to myself. Am I really doing this?

It isn’t really any different to the other times that me and Kian hang out, except it really is. After speaking with Ashley, I’ve accepted that I really do like Kian and not just because he’s Stephen’s twin brother. I like him because of the depth I see inside him. Maybe it isn’t right, maybe my feelings are taboo, but I will only live once so why not?

By the time I come back here tonight I’ll know, I think determinedly to myself as I try to gear myself up. I will tell Kian how I’m feeling, if it’s the last thing I do.

I nod at myself as if I feel much more confident than I really do. Inside I’m a mess, everything is churning violently inside of me, but at least on the outside I look good. I appear like I have everything under control and that I’m not about to churn everything up like crazy.

With a determination, I grab my bag and keys and I make my way towards the front door before I can talk myself out of it. My heart races, my stomach dances, I don’t know what’s going to happen. All I know for sure is that I feel truly happy and excited for the first time in a very long time. The possibilities feel endless and I’m desperately keen to know which way my life will turn.

Chapter Fifteen - Kian

I feel nervous as I prepare to go out on stage which isn’t much like me at all. Not here at Serena’s anyway. Maybe if it was a bigger crowd I would, but at Serena’s it’s always chilled out with just a few people watching. That’s how I like it actually. Maybe once upon a time I harbored a dream of being a superstar but when Stephen took that route I didn’t want to anymore. I found myself happy in New Zealand, content with being more small time. I do my small gigs, I teach my music lessons, it doesn’t earn me a fortune, but I’m happy. I like it enough. I don’t want for anything more… not anymore.

No, the nerves aren’t coming from the crowd, or at least not all of it. There’s just one person who will be watching me and I’m terrified of making a fool out of myself in front of her. I don’t want her to think that I’m an idiot. I can’t help myself, I want her to like me.

It’s wrong, I think to myself shaking my head. It’s so, so wrong. On every single level.

I know it isn’t right to think of Tia in any kind of romantic way, it’s probably bad enough that we’re friends, never mind anything else but I can’t stop myself from feeling that way about her. The more time I spend with her, the more she infiltrates my dreams, and the more I dream about her the more attracted I become. I’ve considered the possibility that it might just be the competitiveness between me and Stephen still coming out even after his death, but I know it isn’t that. What I feel for Tia is so genuine. More than anything that’s come before.

It’s everything to me. It’s just a shame that it’s wrong.

Of course, there’s one way I could counteract this. If I really wanted to I could just stop hanging out with her to ensure that my feelings don’t grow anymore, but every time I try to do that something pulls me back in. I’m addicted to her, she’s like a drug that I just can’t give up. I feel like it’s headed towards a disaster, but I can’t seem to stop myself anyway. She consumes me, she’s all of me, she’s everything and I just can’t let her go.

If things were different I might be meeting her under different circumstances. Stephen could have brought her home to visit the family as his girlfriend. Then what would I have done? I couldn’t have felt this way about her then or it would have become even more of a catastrophe. But that hasn’t happened. Things have gone the way that they have so there’s no real point in wallowing in ‘what ifs’. This is it, I need to find a way to deal with it.

With a shake of my head I try to get my brain back in the game. I can’t worry about what’s happening with me and Tia tonight, not when I want to do a good job with this open mic night. Maybe I don’t want fame and fortune, but I still want to put on a good show. If anything, I’ve gotten a lot of teaching jobs from the open mic nights and I don’t want to ruin that. Especially not with nerves. I need to forget about her for now and just get on with it.

“Are you ready, Kian?” Hayley, one of the young waitresses calls back to me with a smile and a wink. “You’re nearly up.”

“Yes,” I breathe deeply. “I think so. Is it packed out there?” There’s only really one person I care about, but I don’t know what she’s wearing so I can’t describe her.

“It’s not too bad,” she smiles. “But they’re getting impatient. You’re getting a little fan club out there now. Don’t keep them waiting too long.”

This is silly, I think to myself. Tia has seen me play before, she knows what I sound like. She knows my music isn’t anything like Stephen’s… but still I can’t shake off the anxiety. There’s only one thing for it. I need to get out there. I can’t put it off any longer.

I push back the curtain and keep my eyes fixed on the ground as I walk. There’s a chair situated in the middle of the stage that I know the location of well. I could find it with my eyes closed, which is lucky since that’s pretty much what I’m doing right now. I move until I can’t go any further, drinking in the smattering of clapping that breaks out around the coffee shop, then I sit.

Once my butt hits the seat I can’t keep my eyes down anymore. I need to look up to see who’s about. Almost as if there’s a powerful magnetic force between us my eyes instantly hit hers and I dive into the pool of her eyes, loving the feel of her gaze surrounding me. She smiles slightly, making my heart skip a beat. Sitting there with her hair spilling over her shoulders, her skin glowing under the lights, and her hands sat primly in her lap, all my doubts simply fly away. I know it isn’t right, but I can’t help how I feel, and how I feel right now is that I want to worship Tia for the rest of my damn life.

“Right,” I croak into the microphone. “I have some new material to play you tonight, but don’t worry I’ll still do some of the old stuff as well.” I wasn’t planning on playing any of the songs that have been inspired by Tia, but how can I not with her sitting there looking so beautiful? I want her to know how I feel without actually having to tell her. The thought of saying those words aloud terrifies me. “So here we go, one, two, three…”

As I burst into song I know that I’m risking everything. I’m treading a dangerous path that could ruin mine and Tia’s friendship, but I have to take a leap of faith or I won’t be able to control myself much longer. If I’m totally honest with myself I think she might be feeling the same way too. We’re both tiptoeing around it for obvious reasons, but I think it’s time to finally stop doing that. As my fingers strum and the words fly out of my mouth I know for sure that one way or another, tonight is going to change everything. I can only hope that it’s in the way I want…

***

“That was brilliant,” Hayley gushes as I descend off of stage forty five minutes later in a bit of a haze. “Honestly I think that might be the best set you’ve ever done.”

I turn to look at her with wide, blank eyes. I think I blocked most of it out because of how it makes me feel. I was so vulnerable, so open, so exposed. As I was up there singing it seemed like such a good idea at the time but now I’m not so sure. Am I really ready to take that step with Tia? What if she brushes me off and wants nothing more to do with me? It was such a risk… have I been an idiot for taking it? Am I about to really regret it?

“Erm, yeah, thanks,” I finally gush. “Well I think I better go…”

“You don’t want to stay for a drink?” Hayley hands me a cappuccino with a small smile playing on her lips. “I made it specially for you. The same as you always have.”

I down the drink in two quick gulps not wanting to be rude. “Thank you, Hayley, I really appreciate it and I’ll see you next week but I really have to go now.”

I stuff my guitar back into the case and head towards the door. I’m sure Hayley has a million and one questions for me. We’re friends, really, but tonight isn’t the night. I have far too much on my mind to even consider normal conversation. Mostly I just need to see Tia, to tear the band aid off then at least I’ll know either way, the anticipation is killing me.

I burst out into the coffee shop, probably looking as wild and crazy as I feel inside and I immediately bump into her. I can tell by the way that Tia is standing awkwardly at the side of the counter that she’s been waiting for me, and considering she’s biting down on her thumb nail I think it’s safe to assume that we need to have a conversation. I close my eyes and pray for just a second that it goes the way I want it to.

“Hey, Kian,” Tia says softly. “That was amazing. You were really great up there?”

Once upon a time, my competitive beast inside would have leapt up in my chest and demanded to know if I was better than Stephen, especially since Tia has slept with him and I like her, but that thought doesn’t even crop up into my brain. I manage to take the compliment for exactly what it is. A nice remark meant just for me.

“Thank you,” I reply weakly. “It was really good of you to come.”

She nods and bites down on her bottom lip and nods. I desperately want to ask her what’s going on inside her brain but at the same time I’m not sure that I want to know. I don’t know if it’s better to leave things just as unanswered as they really are.

“Shall we get out of here?” she practically whispers as her head nods towards the door behind her. “Maybe go for a drink or something? Something a little stronger than coffee.”

That idea is so appealing I could burst. “Yes,” I reply decisively. “Let’s do that.”

Then something unexpected happens, something that’s never happened before. It almost makes me stop in my tracks for a moment, but thankfully I find the strength to keep on going as she slips her hand into mine and she laces her fingers through mine. It’s a gesture that’s so sweet and unassuming but that also means the world. We’ve never been close like this with each other before, the action holds promise that something might really be about to happen. I keep trying not to dare dream that it might actually come to life in reality but it seems that it just might happen. My leap of faith might be about to pay off in the best way possible.

“Your songs are beautiful,” she says kindly once we get outside. “Those lyrics are amazing.”

They’re all about you, I want to declare proudly, but I don’t. I think I’ve used up my bravery quota for the month now.

“Thank you,” I say instead. “That’s kind of you to say.”

She stops on the sidewalk, causing me to do the same and she cranes her neck to look at me. There’s something in her gaze, something truly important and I need to know what it is. I feel like she’s trying to communicate with me, but I don’t want to get my reading wrong. My heart pounds, my mouth runs dry, butterflies dance about in my stomach…

Then she raises herself up onto her tiptoes and there’s no denying her meaning anymore. Her eyes slide close and she purses her lips, looking even more incredible than she always does in my dreams. I dip my head, caving to temptation, giving myself all that I’ve ever wanted. Then our lips crash together and the world completely slides out from underneath me in the best way possible. Fireworks explode, my whole body lights up like someone has ignited a fire underneath me.

It’s then I know that nothing will ever be the same again.

 

 

Chapter Sixteen - Tia

Oh my God, I’m kissing Kian. I’m actually kissing him.

As his lips move against mine I feel something inside me that I’ve never experienced before. It’s a kiss like no other and it honestly takes me to another plane of existence. I have never been kissed in such a way before, not by anyone. I love it, it’s wonderful.

My lips part and Kian snakes his tongue inside. As he explores the inside of my mouth, his hands glide lightly from my side up to my hair where he entangles them in the heat of romantic passion. I can feel everything that we’ve locked away for far too long setting itself free and it’s the best sensation in the whole damn world. It makes me feel phenomenal.

As Kian breaks apart from me panting, I suddenly realize that we’re out in the open. This isn’t happening within the privacy of one of our homes, we’re out in public where anyone could see us. Talk about public display of affection, not usually what I like at all!

“Should we go somewhere?” I giggle awkwardly. “And I don’t mean a bar?” Not anymore, having an alcoholic drink id the last thing on my mind. I only wanted that to loosen up the conversation anyway and it seems that we’re way past that! “My place is just around the corner…” He knows that already, I just want my meaning to be clear.

“Yes,” he says decisively, making my insides flip flop over. “Let’s go back to yours.”

I grab his hand and we power walk, almost to the point of running towards my house. In a way, this is happening really quick, after all we only just shared our very first kiss, but in another way it’s been a long time coming. We’ve both been holding back on our feelings for obvious reasons and now it’s time to set them free. I set that in motion by adding an extra kiss to my message, and Kian solidified that by singing sweet songs that seemed to be about me. I assume I’m the mysterious girl that he cannot have. I have to be, don’t I?

Well no need to worry about that anymore, because I’m all in!

Eventually we reach my front door and I fumble around in my bag for my keys. It’s only a small clutch bag, but somehow in the heat of the moment I just can’t seem to locate the keys inside. Maybe it’s my hammering heart or my trembling fingers, maybe it’s just my nerves getting the better of me. There’s no way I can take this huge step without some anxiety. I’d have to be inhuman not to feel something about this craziness.

“A ha!” I feel triumphant as I find them and even better as I slide them into the door. As we step inside the atmosphere is thick and really different. Kian has been here before plenty of times, but it’s always been about friendship. It seems that we’re both acutely aware that today is different and it’s about so much more. “Make yourself at home.”

Urgh, why did I have to say such an awkward thing? I don’t want to make everything uncomfortable because I don’t know how to act anymore. I try to smile to cover it up, but I don’t know if it really works. Kian still looks as freaked out as I feel.

Maybe if that was all I could feel then I could take a step back, but the delightful lust that’s also filling me up has a tight grip of control over me. The desire swims in my brain, making it impossible to think of anything else other than tearing his clothes off. In the short time that we’ve known one another, Kian has become just about everything to me.

“Come here,” he says huskily holding out a hand to me. I take a step forward and take it, allowing him to pull me all the way in. I can feel his pulse hammering against his chest at a rapid, hard pace, just like mine is. Knowing that we’re going through this same mix of emotions helps me to feel okay about it. “You’re beautiful.”

As Kian rests his forehead against mine I notice something that I didn’t see before, probably because I haven’t been looking for it. In and among the greenness of his eyes he has flecks of grey too. It’s lovely to look at and makes him the most unique man that I have ever been with on the planet.

Before I can make comment about his eyes we’re kissing all over again. This time it’s much less polite than how we were on the streets. It’s frantic, passionate, desperate. All the need I feel for him travels through his mouth and I can feel the same coming from him. Bolts of electricity burst through my system, setting my core alight.

As our clothes begin to shed in a haze of desire I take a step backwards towards my bedroom. I want him there, in amongst the sheets where I’ve had naughty, taboo dreams about him for a while now. I want the real life show to be in exactly the same place. Luckily because my apartment isn’t very big, it isn’t long until my calves hit the bed behind me and I collapse onto the sheets. By that time, my dress is gone, my bra is unhooked, my shoes have been kicked off… the only thing protecting any modesty of mine is a thin, sheer set of lace panties. Kian looks at that part of my body and licks his lips which makes me shiver.

I grab onto the sheets below me as my body writhes. The sight of Kian kicking his jeans all the way off and pulling his underwear down is just too much for me to handle. As he does I notice all the little unique things about just him that make him special. The scar across his belly button, the small tattoo at the top of his leg, the dark pink to his nipples… brand new body is exciting for me to explore. I can’t wait to get my hands all over him.

And then there’s his cock. Wow. I know that it’s been a while, but holy hell. He’s incredible. Thick, pulsating, so desirable that I find my own tongue running along my lips. He’s tantalizing, delicious. Now that we’ve taken this crazy but brave step I want to know every damn inch of his body. I want to feel everywhere, to taste all of him. Every damn inch.

He wraps his hand around himself and tugs while looking down at me. Gone is the shy, quiet version of Kian and in his place is a primitive animal ready to devour me, and dead God do I want to be eaten by him. The dark, hooded desire in his gaze is just too damn much more me to handle. I almost can’t control myself, it’s just too much.

“So… beautiful,” he mutters while sinking to his knees. I push myself into a sitting position to see what he’s up to, but I don’t get the chance to when he sinks his fingers down into my thighs and he yanks me towards the edge of the bed. My feet hit the floor and he nudges my legs further apart with his nose. It all happens so quickly I can barely work out what’s happening. Before I know it, he has claimed my mound with his mouth and he’s flicking his tongue everywhere in the most incredible sensation ever.

“Oh fuck,” I mutter as he alternates between plunging his tongue deep into me, tasting me everywhere, and flicking over my clit. It’s too much for me to take all at one. My body bucks and writhes violently. There’s a pressure building in my toes and I don’t think it’ll be long before that heat travels right up through me, sending my flying higher than air. My muttering becomes louder until it’s almost a scream. “Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck!”

“Such a dirty mouth,” Kian sounds amused as he speaks into my slit, allowing his breath to tickle me all over. “I’ve never seen this side of you before and I have to say I like it.”

I groan impatiently. I don’t have time for games. This has been coming for far too long, I need my release now. I roll my hips, pressing myself back against his mouth and soon I feel his tongue fluttering all over me again, taking me back to my happy place.

My eyes fall closed, my hands rub over my body as the sensations get too much. This must be what going crazy feels like, it’s everywhere all around me, I know it’s coming but I just can’t stop. Much as I want to cave and I want to explode like this, I want to feel him inside me too. I need that connection with Kian, I need that feeling that everything is right with the world. That’s a feeling that only he can give me, and fuck do I need it.

“Oh, Kian,” I moan. “I need you. I need to feel you.”

“You do?” As he steps back leaving me cold and alone, I regret my decision. My ragged breaths feel angry and needy. I feel like he’s taking far too long to come back to me, which I soon realize is because he’s wrapping himself up. “Whatever you want, Tia.”

“I want you,” I gasp as I watch sweat trickle down his incredible body. “I need you.”

He climbs over me on the bed, pushing me back upwards and I go willingly. Maybe this is wrong, maybe me and Kian do have a lot to feel guilty about, but right now in the heat of the moment it feels so incredibly right. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world.

Kian positions himself between my legs and he teases my entrance with his tip. Of course, I want to force him in, I’m desperate for that feeling, but I halt myself for a moment to just look at him. Kian is wonderful, he’s handsome, he’s sweet. He’s kind, he’s sexy… he’s everything. The opposite to the men that I’m used to in my life and everything that I need.

As Kian finally pushes himself inside and he thrusts on top of me, I groan and cry out with glee. My body is already electrified, I feel like I’m already on the knife edge of what I can handle, and with his length brushing past my highly sensitive clit with every stroke I know that I don’t have long.

I’m falling, I think to myself as then I’m genuinely falling. It’s dangerous, but wonderful all at the same time.

I know that’s a rabbit hole that I don’t really want to go down, so I change things up. I push upwards and flip Kian onto his back so I can straddle him. I sit astride him and stare down into his beautiful green and grey eyes as I take control of the thrusts. As I look at him it seems that he’s falling too, despite himself he’s losing himself in me. This is a journey that we are sharing together.

The orgasm actually hits me unexpectedly. I’ve been so busy focusing on looking at Kian and working out how he’s feeling that I forgot to concentrate on the sensations. As I buckle and crumble under the sheer magnitude of the burning hot pleasure that races through me, consuming me entirely, Kian sits up and he holds me close, caring for me throughout it all. The action seems to make it too much for him and I feel the intense pleasure burst free from his body too. We shudder together, sharing yet another part of our journey together.

I don’t know where we’ll go from here, but right now we’ve got this far the two of us, doing everything together, and it feel wonderful. The loneliness that I have suffered my whole life with feels like it’s gone for good.

Chapter Seventeen - Kian

I can’t relax, I can’t sit still and I’ve been this way for days now. Ever since me and Tia slept together I haven’t felt right. I mean, I like her a lot, I know that she’s good for me and to be honest I really might believe that she’s the one, but I just can’t settle into it and I don’t know why… or maybe I do know why, I just need to wrap my head around it.

I need closure. I think we both do. When it comes to Stephen, there’s still something there. There are unanswered questions that I think really need answering before we can both move on. It’s almost as if his spirit is hanging over us, as if he’s somewhere in the realm and we need to solve this mystery before any of us can move on with our lives. Or maybe I’m just a crazy person who’s looking for an excuse for behaving in such a mad way. Whatever it is I know that I need to at least take a look at it.

I’ve made notes about everything that me and Tia know about the case, not that it’s much. I know that he worked on the cruise, that they shared a night together – even if that’s a part I would much rather not think about, it’s an undeniable part of the story – he intended to go back but something stopped him. Then he sent me that text:

‘Kian, it’s me, bro. I’m doing a show on the Princess Cruise ship and I’ve seen something. I’m scared. I don’t know what to do.’

I hate myself for ignoring this warning. It’s so obvious now that Stephen was calling out to me, begging me for help and I just didn’t want to hear it. Yes, he did often send me random stuff when he was drunk and this could easily have just been that, but it wasn’t and I truly feel terrible. Maybe if we spent more time trying to repair our relationship none of this would have happened… not that I can allow myself to get lost down that trail of thought. I really do need to keep focused.

Okay, so Stephen saw something. He saw it on the cruise ship, but the murder didn’t happen until some time after. He saw something so bad that someone needed to kill him off so he didn’t blab to the police. Obviously, he didn’t go right to the police or all of this could have been dealt with a long time ago. Whatever he saw scared him enough to stay silent.

And then there’s this Katie chick, the barmaid who found him. She might know more than she’s letting on. Of course, she might not, but it won’t hurt to ask. Unless it’s some kind of mafia thing, I suppose. Maybe then she’ll be too scared to say anything at all. It could be some organized crime thing, much as that sounds crazy, I don’t want to rule it out…

So, I have a lot of jigsaw pieces, but still they don’t quite fit together and that’s the frustrating part. It’s unsettling me, leaving me distressed and annoyed. It’s almost as if it’s right there, but I can’t quite grasp it. There’s only one logical step of what I can do next, and I know what it is. I might not like it but it’s what I have to do.

I glance at my cell phone screen, looking at the time. It’s almost time for Tia to finish work which means we can hang out. Even with everything that’s going on the thought of seeing her face again lights up my chest and makes me feel really happy. I adore her face, her smile, her sweet nature… if I’m totally honest with myself, I know that it wouldn’t have worked out between Stephen and Tia in the long run anyway, even if he did like her. We might share a lot but we’ve never shared a taste in women before. I think he would have ended up straying and breaking her heart anyway.

Unless she could have been the one to change him. I suppose we’ll never find out now.

I shake my head, ridding my brain of those thoughts and I gather up my things to go and meet her. She might not like what I’m about to say, but it needs to be said. I just hope that she understands my plan and she doesn’t get too upset by it all. If I explain it right and I let her know it’s the only way I’ll really be able to move on then, surely she’ll be okay?

Only time will tell, and now it’s the time to go and find out. I need to be brave.

***

I tap my feet anxiously as I wait outside of Tia’s work for her appearance. The more time that passes the more anxious I get about everything. I don’t want to now talk myself out of the plan that I’ve been working on all day long… all week long. It’s the only thing I’ve got.

Eventually she appears arm in arm with another girl. I assume this is her best friend, Ashely. She looks like the fun-loving girl that Tia described. I’ve yet to meet her, but that’s something I understand. Me and Tia have mostly kept to ourselves, we haven’t brought the rest of our lives into our little relationship thing because it’s so fragile. No, fragile isn’t the right word, we’re strong really. I have a lot of trust in her and I think she does me, it’s just the fear of what everyone else will think. Once we let others in, we open ourselves to criticism and I don’t think either of us are ready for that yet.

I still need to consider how this will affect my parents, and that’s the scariest ides of them all. Maybe me and Tia could pretend that we just met randomly and that nothing happened with her and Stephen, but I don’t want to erase him from her history like that. I still want to keep him alive in every way possible. I need to address it when we finally take that step, but now just isn’t the time for that. Of course, they’re still healing for their son, just like I’m still grieving for my brother. I just hope that this helps to overcome that.

“Kian!” Tia’s eyes widen with surprise as she spots me. She pulls away from her friend and moves across to me. I can tell that there’s panic behind her eyes, she’s freaked out that I’ve just turned up like this. Maybe I should have warned her, it wouldn’t have been too hard to send a text, would it? “Are you okay? What’s going on?”

I ignore the people bustling behind us and I zone in only on Tia. My breaths start coming in short and sallow, I don’t know where to start. “Can we go somewhere private?” I gasp out desperately. “There’s something I want to talk to you about.”

“Of course.” She runs her eyes all over me as if she’s trying to work me out. I can tell she’s searching for something that I can’t give her just yet. “Come to mine.”

She links one arm through mine and waves goodbye to her friends. I feel bad for dragging her away from all the people she loves, but I hope that it’ll be worth it when I explain everything to her. I put my head down and focus my eyes on the ground and allow Tia to just drag me. I can’t look up again, not until we’re away from the crowds. I just can’t deal with people right now, there’s only one person I want to be with.

Finally, we reach her home and I let out a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding. When it’s just me and Tia I can relax just a little bit. “Sorry for the dramatics, I know that was unnecessary. I’ve just been thinking a lot and…”

She claps her hand loudly across her mouth. “Oh my God, you want to end it,” she declares. “I mean, I should have known that this was coming because it is hard, but oh my God. I still feel really shocked.” She stares at me with eyes swimming with pain. Much as this is a horrible moment it’s quite sweet too because I get to see just how much she really cares about me. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be so crazy it just…” She grips her chest, giving my cue that I really need to step in before she has a heart attack or something.

“No, no this isn’t that.” I do my best to reassure her but she still looks blown away. “It isn’t that at all. I just… well, it’s Stephen.” Again the color drains from her face as I mention my brother. “I’ve been thinking about him and the mystery that’s surrounded his death. I want to find out more, I need to work out what happened to him and why.” She nods slowly, getting it more than anyone else in the world would. “I need to figure it out, I don’t think that I’ll be able to move on if I don’t. Especially with…” I sigh loudly, hating myself for saying this. “Especially with us.”

“Yes, of course,” she rasps. “I understand that, I want to know what happened too. It’s all very strange. There’s something there that doesn’t quite fit.” She’s clearly been thinking about it too. “Someone knows what happened, and I just know that if we could get to that person then it would be okay.”

As she gives me an imploring look I feel compelled to continue on. “Well, I’ve thought about that a lot and that could work. There was some bar maid named in the article wasn’t there? She could know something… but at the same time I think that if it’s all related to organized crime then maybe she won’t speak. Maybe, if they like getting rid of witnesses, she’s gone too. You never know.” I don’t like that option, but I can’t deny it’s possible.

“Oh yeah, of course. I guess I never thought about that.” Her eyes flick towards me under her eyelashes, making her look absolutely adorable. “But you are going to America, right? That’s your plan? I mean, that’s all you can do, isn’t it?”

Of course, she knows that, she understands me well. “Yeah. I am. And I have a plan of what I’m going to do.”

“Okay shoot.” She gets more comfortable and stares at me, waiting for me to explain. “What are we doing?”

“We?” I don’t mean that, I mean this is something that is just for me. “No, just me.”

“Kian.” She takes my hands in hers. “You aren’t going through this alone. You know as well as I do that this is a journey that we need to go through together. You know that it affects me just as it does you. I need this mystery solving just as much as you do.”

“But it’s dangerous…” I try to let her know just why I’m not including her.

“I know it’s dangerous.” She rolls her eyes at me. “I know what the stakes are, but I also know that I need to do this. This means a lot to me, I need this mystery solved. And at the same time, I’m not letting you go into something dangerous alone either.” She pulls me to her and wraps her arms around me. “I cannot lose you. I just can’t. You get that, right?”

“I do get that,” I do my best to reassure her. “But reserve your judgement before you agree to this. I want you to hear my plan before you make a decision.”

“I’ll listen,” she warns. “But I’m coming.”

Chapter Eighteen - Tia

This is insane, I think to myself as I pace up and down backstage. I should not be here, why the hell am I doing this? I mean, I know the reasons that I’ve given myself but really? Is there any way that I can get out of it now? Can I turn back and change my mind?

“Are you okay, babe?” Kian asks while placing a gentle kiss on my shoulder. “You look nervous, is there anything that I can do?”

My ragged breaths get even shorter and sharper as I turn to look at Kian. The green and gray eyes of his are still and calm. He’s the one about to put himself on the line here but he looks cool, calm, and totally collected. How is it possible that I’m the one who’s a hot mess here? I turn to face him ad grip onto his arms, trying to soak in some of his calm.

“I should be the one calming you down,” I gasp. “Are you okay? Is there anything that I can do for you?” I glance towards the curtains, listening to the roar of people on the other side. “It’s really busy out there. Are you going to be alright?”

He breathes deeply and nods. “Yeah, I think so. I mean this is the biggest crowd that I’ve ever played for but then I’m not being me, am I? That, plus the reason I’m actually doing this, is driving me forwards, getting rid of any anxiety.”

When Kian first told me his plan I thought he was insane, but now I can see that he’s right. His crazy ass scheme might actually work here. Pretending to be Stephen, letting the press know that he didn’t die in the attack and that the police got it wrong certainly drummed up some attention. As far as I’m aware everyone has heard about the gig. It’s the sort of fame that Stephen could have only dreamed of. If it’s got the attention of everyone, then it must have got the attention of the killer too. If Stephen saw something that they’re scared of the cops finding out then this should draw them out. And if it does, the authorities will be waiting. It’ll put an end to a very long winded mystery that needs solving.

I just desperately hope that it works. There is so much that’s riding on it. Including us.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” I reply while pushing myself up onto my tiptoes to kiss him gently on the lips. “I’m glad you aren’t scared, but don’t be reckless. Please be careful.”

Maybe I have attachment issues when it comes to Kian but I really can’t just lose him. After everything that’s happened up until this point, it’s hardly any wonder that I’m clinging to him like there’s no tomorrow. He the source of my happiness, he gets rid of my loneliness. I’m not ready to say goodbye to that now… maybe not ever.

“I will be,” he whispers to me, placing his hand on the small of my back. “I promise you. I’m only going out there to sing a few songs anyway. It’s the cops doing the hard work.”

I mold into his body, allowing his embrace to comfort me. With his arms gripping onto me I feel a little bit safer than I did before but I’m not sure that it’s enough. I just want to cling to him and not let him out there. He’s mine, I want to wrap him in a bubble and keep him close. New Zealand feels like my bubble, our bubble. I feel much more exposed in the US. Maybe it’s because I know that my family is here and so are all the problems that I left behind, but since I’ve been back I haven’t had any involvement with any of them and that’s how I intend it to stay. I don’t want to see my father again and I’m quite happy to keep it to odd phone calls with my mother. It’s just easier that way.

“Have you heard the people out there?” he says with a chuckle. “It’s mad, isn’t it? So many people. They all want to see the dead guy.” His expression falls but he quickly regains himself. “I guess I’ll just have to give them the show of a life time.”

I step back as we hear the announcer calling out Stephen’s name. It’s weird to hear him mentioned like that, it stirs all kinds of sadness inside me. Despite what’s happened since I’m still sad that he’s gone. I really don’t think he deserved to die at all, no matter what he saw. He was a good guy, at least he seemed that way to me, and I’m sure he had so much more to offer the world. His life was cut needlessly short which just isn’t fair.

Still, hopefully if this goes to plan, and me and Kian fix this then everyone can move forward safe in the knowledge that we have the answers we so desperately need. Kian needs it, I need it, I’m sure his family desperately needs it. Without these answers, no one can move forward. We’ll all be stuck in a limbo forever, never moving on.

“Good luck out there,” I whisper sweetly to him. “I’ll be in the crowd waving up at you.”

I want to tell him that I love him because I’m pretty sure that I do, but I don’t say it yet. One, it’ll feel much too much like a goodbye, which this isn’t, and two I don’t want to freak him out. I know that he likes me, but I don’t think that he loves me and I don’t want to put the pressure on. Things are already strained enough between me and Kian. Not with our relationship but with the external factors surrounding us… this for example.

Instead, I will have to be content with just thinking it while pressing my fingers to my lips an shooting out continual kisses to him.

I love you, Kian Jones, You are my everything. I really don’t want to lose you right now, not when I think that you could honestly be the one for me. The happy ever after that I never thought I would get. I love you, I love you, I love you. I just can’t wait until I can tell you that for real. I will eventually, just when the moment is right.

I move backwards as Kian grabs his guitar. He nods at me does a silly little salute, which admittedly makes me laugh a little, but I do so with tears in my eyes. This has all moved too quickly, the plan came together too fast. I feel like we need just a little more time. I blow him a kiss and let him go, wishing it didn’t have to be this way.

Once I hear him up on the stage I push my way through the backstage area out towards the crowd. I see the undercover cops everywhere as I go which reminds me just how serious this is. It wasn’t easy to get the police to agree to such a hair brained scheme but once we convinced them that Stephen’s murder was part of something much bigger, which we both really believe it is, then they started to come around. I really hope tonight produces results for them too or they won’t be so willing to help us again. This cost the force a lot of money and man power, I don’t want it all to be for nothing.

“Excuse me,” I mutter as I push past people. “Scuse. Thank you. Excuse me, scuse.”

Eventually I make it as close to the front of the stage as I can manage. It seems that Kian was right about one thing, people really do want a piece of the guy who’s seemingly risen from the dead. It sickens me a little, but maybe I would have been the same if I wasn’t bang smack in the middle of this situation. Maybe I would be with everyone else, with my camera phone held high taking pictures of the man that one small newspaper once reported had been killed.

As I watch Kian, I think back to the moment we went to the bar where Stephen was actually killed, trying to find Katie. I wasn’t keen to find her, I didn’t know what it would be like to find the woman who saw his dead body, but it was an avenue we had to at least try… but of course we got nowhere. The bar is no more, it’s too fire damaged to be anything at the moment, and no one around seems to know a girl called Katie at all. Kian thinks that her vanishing act is all part of the bigger picture, the mafia as he thinks it is, but I’m not so sure. I would much rather think that she’s just gone somewhere else to start a new life.

My eyes focus on Kian and I lose myself in the moment because it’s preferable not to worry about anything else. As I do, I remember the magical moment I saw Stephen playing for the first and only time on the cruise ship. As I watched him up on the stage, singing his heart out to people that were probably way too old to really appreciate his music, I felt happy for the first time in a very long time. He awoke something inside of me that I’d put to sleep long before.

Stephen Jones had such an impact on me that I ran all the way to New Zealand just to be near his memory. Somehow, even after all of this, I want to find a way to keep his memory alive. He doesn’t deserve to just be forgotten, it really isn’t right. I don’t know what I’m going to do just yet, but I’ll definitely do something. I owe him that much. Maybe it was only one night, but if it wasn’t for that night then none of this would have happened. I would probably still be in my parent’s home feeling miserable about my directionless life.

I hope you’re watching this, Stephen, I think while glancing my eyes up towards the sky. I hope you see how much your brother loves you. As an after thought, I add, I hope you don’t mind me and him either. We didn’t mean to fall in love, we just did. It just happened, but it’s the best thing for the both of us. We make each other happy. I hope you can understand that.

I don’t know if I imagine the warmth that circles me at that moment or not, but I choose to believe that it’s a sign. I choose to take it as a blessing because that’s what I need it to be,

The crowd goes wild as Kian rocks it, some of the girls even chant Stephen’s name. From my brief meeting with Stephen and everything that Kian has told me about him, I just know that he would have loved this. For Stephen, this would have been a dream come true. It’s just a shame that he had to die for it to really happen. Maybe if he’d remained alive he would have got here eventually but I suppose we’ll never know now.

His dream died with him.

I get into the mood, I shake my arms, I move my hips, I fall in line with the others. Dancing is the only way that I can forget a little bit how serious this is. I need to stop getting tied up in knots before I throw up over everyone, really ruining the festive mood. Of course, my eyes keep flicking back and forth as I try to locate anyone that looks out of place, anyone that might be suspicious, but I don’t see anyone. Everyone just appears to be having a good time which is a good thing as well as a bad thing.

If something is going to happen, it needs to happen soon before I lose my freaking mind.

 

Chapter Nineteen - Kian

So far, so good, I think to myself as the crowd goes wild. It all seems to be going to plan… except of course I can’t forget that the plan isn’t actually to give this crowd a good show, it’s to lure out Stephen’s killer. Or killers. I haven’t ruled out the fact that it might be more than one person. Of course, it feels good to be adored. I thought I’d thrown my dream to be famous away long ago but I can feel it coming back to life as the spark of thrill races through me. Maybe once this is all over, it’s something I can pursue again.

What was that? Every strange movement grabs my attention which is annoying because it’s a packed out concert hall of people acting crazy. Every crowd surfer, every person with a sign, everyone that leaps up too high… they all grab my focus which hopefully doesn’t take too much away from the music. Nothing, again, just keep on playing.

Eventually my eyes are drawn to Tia’s as the magnet pulls me back in and I’m instantly calmed all over again. The woman has such an amazing effect on me, I like her far too much. I stare into her eyes lovingly as I sing, remembering that night at Serena’s, when she sat in the coffee shop watching me, the very same night that our relationship changed from something platonic to something much more special.

I love her, I realize starkly. I actually, fell in love with her. I don’t know why I haven’t realized it before, I don’t know why it’s only just hit me now at a moment when I can’t share my feelings with her, but it has. It’s hit me hard and fast in the face, leaving me a little breathless. I love Tia with everything that I have. I want her to be mine forever.

Of course I do, it’s obvious. I wouldn’t have risked everything to be with her if I didn’t. I’ve fallen head over heels for the girl that my twin brother liked, at least for one moment he really liked her, and now I just want her to be mine. A determination settles over me, I decide that what I really need to do when I get back to New Zealand to take her to meet my family. I don’t want to hide anymore, I just want us to be together and I want the whole world to know. Our love is precious, it shouldn’t be hidden. Me and Tia are perfect together,

I hope you approve, Stephen, I think, hoping that if he really is stuck until this plane until we solve it all then he’ll more than likely be watching this right now. I know I would be! This is your dream come true… I’m just sorry that it’s too late.

I play for him, I play for our bond, I play because of our fights, I play because I ignored the one text message that he sent me which actually meant something, I play for my twin and to hopefully trap the bastard that put him in his grave too soon.

I also hope that you aren’t too mad about me and Tia… you know this wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t everything to me. If I didn’t love her, I would have stayed away.

An electricity sizzles through the air which I use to spurn me on. I play louder, better, I sing harder and the crowd goes absolutely wild. They’re loving every single second. I can even see Tia dancing away out there which is saying something. I’ve never seen anyone so anxious as her as we made our way over to America. She barley spoke on the flight, she didn’t say much as we went to see the burned out remains of the building where my brother lost his life, and she’s been ashen all day long. Because of all of that it’s nice to see her let her hair down. I want her to enjoy herself and I’m glad that it’s because of me.

I become overwhelmed with an excitement about what our life will be when we get back to New Zealand. Images fill my head of us fully immersing ourselves in one another’s lives, of us meeting friends and family, living together, getting married, maybe even starting a family… my eyes well up, I like the idea so damn much that I feel about ready to weep with joy. I might not have ever been the playboy that Stephen was but I haven’t really thought about settling down either, but I suppose that’s just because the right girl hasn’t come along. Now she has, now she’s here and I’m ready to give her all of me…

Bang!

The noise is so loud I don’t know what it is at first. It rings through my eardrums at an alarming rate, freezing me to the spot. I try to move my head from side to side so I can work out just what’s going on, but it’s almost as if I can only move in slow motion. For a weird moment it’s as if time has stopped completely and there’s nothing I can do to restart it.

Then my guitar crashes to the ground with a thud, creating a massive racket and allowing the noise to whoosh back into my ears once more, almost knocking me to the ground.

Is that screaming? I think desperately as I try to search the crowd. What’s going on? Everyone is rushing off in every direction as if they know something I don’t. My brain hasn’t quite processed what’s going on so nothing is making any sense right now, all I know is that something has happened. As the man up on the stage, I feel like it’s my obligation to put it right and to do that I need my guitar.

I lean forward to pick it up which I instantly realize is a mistake. A searing pain tears through the left side of my body and when I glance down to see what’s wrong I see a redness that I know shouldn’t be there. A sticky, warm redness that’s oozing from my body at an alarming rate. I clutch the area where the blood seems to coming from which only makes it gush out more ferociously as if I’ve aggravated it or something.

Have I been shot? I think desperately as I stagger back and forth. Now that I’ve seen the wound I can feel it harder and it’s making my brain dizzy. My stomach feels sick, I want to vomit everywhere but I’m in too much shock to do so. Where are the cops? Aren’t they supposed to stop this?

Much as it might have seemed that way on the surface, I didn’t ever come to America with a death wish in mind. I didn’t step up onto this stage tonight thinking I was going to get shot. A part of me thinks that maybe Tia thought that, but it was never on the agenda. I didn’t expect this to happen. I didn’t actually want to die as I pretended to be my brother. I just wanted closure, it’s all I’ve ever wanted, and justice too. My brother doesn’t deserve to be an unsolved mystery, a murder that doesn’t put anyone behind bars, he was too good a person for that. That’s why I fought so hard to make all of this happen.

Save me, Stephen, I think frantically in my pain addled mind. I don’t want to die. Our parents don’t deserve to lose two sons, Tia doesn’t deserve to lose two men, you know this as well as I do. Please save me.

But nothing happens. Nothing good anyway. I blink my eyes frantically a few times trying to regain my vision but it just keeps getting worse. In fact now it’s blackening. The red hot pain is filling up my veins, consuming all of me, threatening to eat me alive and I can feel myself succumbing to it because I don’t know what else to do. My vision is pin holing, I can see less and less with every passing second and I’m also filled with the sickening sense that I’m falling. I’m tumbling, cascading backwards, I don’t know where I’m going to land but I know I can’t remain upwards anymore. The sheer agony is too much. I’m a strong person but I can’t keep fighting it, I just can’t.

Tia, I’m so sorry, Tia, I think desperately as I fall backwards. I’m so sorry. I just wanted to make this right. I never wanted to die, I didn’t want to make you suffer this again. Maybe if I’d spent more time looking for a gun and less time focusing on putting on such an amazing show…

‘Maybe if’, ‘what if’, is that what my whole life comes down to? A whole load of unanswered questions? I should have lived better, I should have been fiercer, I should have done everything very different. But then again, I suppose I never thought that I’d be dying so young with all these regrets. The Jones twins, taken much too soon. That’s probably what they’ll say about us when, if, anyone speaks about us in the future.

Then my head hits something hard, my back slams into the ground, and everything finally goes black.

***

“Kian.” I hear something bursting through the crowd surrounding me, one person trying to infiltrate my brain. I want to answer it, I want to feel it, but I don’t know how to find it. Everything around me is too black. “Kian, it’s me, it’s Tia.”

Tia. That is a name I want to hear. I try even harder to force my eyes open but they just won’t do it. It’s as if they’ve been stuck together with super glue, leaving me in a state. Keep talking to me, Tia. I want to hear from you.

“Kian, I don’t know if you can hear me but I’m here. I’m holding your hand.” I wish I could feel that but I can’t. “Erm, I don’t know if you know but you’ve been shot. The cops have the guy so that’s good, but I’m not concerned about that right now. I guess I’ll sort that out later.” At least the cops have the guy. I don’t know what the fuck is going on with me but at least I know that the guy has been caught. I can almost feel a massive weight being pulled off my chest. “The ambulance is on the way, so someone will be here soon enough to take care of you. I just need you to hang on until then.”

Of course I will, I think as if it’s absolutely obvious. For you, Tia, I will do anything.

She continues to talk as if she thinks her voice is the only thing pinning me to the Earth. Maybe she is, maybe if it weren’t for her I’d fall the hell apart so I focus on her words and I drink them in as if they’re my nectar.

“You did a really good show, you know before the whole shooting thing. I think your brother would have been proud of you. The erm, the crowd really loved you. I think you could be really successful if that’s what you want.” I hear an emotional crack in her voice. I wish it wasn’t there, I hate that she’s sad. “You just… you need to stay alive, alright? That’s all I can ask of you… oh thank God, the ambulance is here, Kian. The paramedics are here to help you. You’ll be okay soon enough. I promise, okay?”

Her voice fades along with my consciousness, without Tia by my side it’s hard to keep going but I know I have to do it for her. She needs me, that’s all that matters to me.

Chapter Twenty - Tia

I want to go straight to the hospital, I want to be with Kian. I want to sit by his bedside and not move until I know that he’s okay but I can’t. The cops need me to make a statement and I really have to do it. Plus the paramedics have just told me that Kian needs emergency surgery as soon as he gets to hospital anyway so all I would be doing is pacing up and down the waiting room. I suppose it’s better that I spend that time doing something productive.

A tear rolls down my cheek as I watch the ambulance pull away. When I heard that gun shot ringing out over the concert I felt sick to my stomach. I fell to the ground and screamed a bellowing sound that seemed to come right from the bottom of my stomach. All I could think about was losing Kian, and it killed me. It still kills me now that I could lose him. A stray bullet seemed to come from nowhere, no one saw it coming, and now it’s changed everything. Everything has fallen apart at the seams and I don’t know how to stich myself back up.

I can’t lose Kian. I can’t lose someone else, I don’t think I’ll survive it again.

I reach a hand out forward, wishing I could hold onto him once more. I hated letting him go, if it had been to anyone other than a medical professional then I don’t think I could have done it. If those people weren’t saving his life then I don’t know what I would have done.

Please take care of him, I think desperately with a thick ball of emotion lodged in my throat. Please keep him alive. I need him, I need that man. He is my everything. I honestly don’t know what I would do without him.

“Miss?” A police office grabs onto my shoulder and spins me around. He looks at me apologetically but I can hear a firmness. “We really need to take you down to the station now. We’ve waited for the ambulance like you requested but I can’t put it off any longer.”

“Okay,” I say while whipping the wetness from my cheeks with my arm. He hands me a tissue and I take it willingly. I need this small bit of comfort right now. “Thank you.”

He leads me through the crowd and takes me to his car, pulling me away from the scene of the crowd. Despite the fact that I know we have the guy and the plan has worked, I still feel helpless as I move. I haven’t had control over my life for a very long time, and now I really don’t have it. It’s gone, possibly forever more. Everything is a mess.

My mother will probably hear about this, I think sadly with a shake of my head. And my father too. They will come looking for me now and my New Zealand dream will be over forever more. I’ll be forced back into the shitty life I desperately tried to escape.

I slide into the back of the police car, feeling a little like a criminal, and I stare out the window to watch the city going by. I can’t really think about any of it, I’m not looking at all. I’m lost in my mind’s eye thinking only about Kian and all the blood all over his body. I don’t know how much blood loss kills people but I hope it’s much more than that.

“I’m sorry I don’t have more to give you now,” the officer comments as if he thinks I need some idly chat right now. Can he not see the inner turmoil I’m suffering? “But they’ll be able to answer any questions you have once we’re down at the station.”

“Right,” I whisper back, nodding as if I’m actually paying attention. “Thank you.”

I twist my head back towards the window, tuning out his words. He’s still talking to me, I can hear him but I don’t know what he’s saying anymore. Maybe I’m being rude but I really don’t care. If any situation cries out for social niceties to be ignored then this is it. My boyfriend got shot up on stage while imitating his twin brother is already dead. If that isn’t the craziness, most ridiculous story that I’ve ever heard then I don’t know what is. It’s crazy, and it’s my life.

What a fucking mess.

The tears start rolling again and this time I don’t bother to brush them away. I want to feel all of this emotion because it might be my one and only chance to do so. Once this car ride is over it’s time for me to be stronger than I’ve ever been before.

***

The polystyrene cup of lukewarm coffee feels alien in my hands, as do the surroundings that I’m sitting in. Despite my family history I’ve never actually been on the inside of a police station before and it’s weird. The white walls, the mahogany desk, the big window that’s obviously a two way mirror… it’s set up to intimidate me and I really feel that way.

Maybe I shouldn’t have come here, maybe I should have refused and gone to the hospital instead. Who knows what’s going on with Kian now…

I push my chair back ready to stand and get the hell out but before I manage to get my butt off the course plastic underneath me the door swings open and a very fierce, official looking man enters the room. He has the sort of commanding presence that makes me zip my lips shut before I can even open them.

“Now, Tia, I have come to speak with you,” he says in a grave tone as he takes the chair opposite me. He places his elbows on the desk and twists his hands together, making me even more anxious. He wrinkles up his forehead which unnerves me and makes me squirm where I sit. “I know you have already given your statement and I’m sure that you’re keen to go, but before you do I just want to tell you what we have discovered. This is an… unusual situation, unprecedented, so I’m just going to go with it.”

“R… right,” I stammer. “Okay sure.”

My heart thumps in my mouth, I can feel it pounding underneath my tongue. Ice cold nerves swerve in and out of my veins, leaving me all messy inside. I don’t know what the man’s going to say next but I have a feeling that it isn’t going to be good.

Of course it isn’t, it’s about the man who shot Kian, the man who killed Stephen.

“We have the name of the shooter, which I’m sure you’re very interested in.” I nod slowly. “And also I just wanted to let you know that you and Kian were both right about one thing. All of this is connected to something much bigger. There’s a crime organization involved and now thanks to what you’ve given us, we can shut it down.”

“Okay.” I can barely speak now, this is all too much. Is this really happening? Did me and Kian reveal a mafia like criminal organization? How the hell am I supposed to feel about that? Good? Nervous? Happy? I don’t know, I don’t really feel anything. Nothing but an endless numbness that seems to go on forever. “Tell me.”

“The name of the shooter is Adrian Walker.”

His words send a tsunami flowing through my brain. I actually feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach, that someone has winded me. I part my lips a couple of times trying to speak but no words come out. I think I’m afraid to actually speak in case I’m sick.

Adrian Walker shot Kian… he probably killed Stephen too. My father’s business partner, the man I heard him talking about murder with.

Were they plotting to kill Stephen then? Is that what I heard? It was after the cruise, when I just got home and they were discussing someone who had seen something. A witness that needed to be taken care of. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to turn back time so I could do something about it sooner.

Maybe I could have somehow saved Stephen’s life. Maybe this is all my fault.

“I can tell by your reaction that this is a name you know.”

“It is,” I rasp. There’s no point in denying that much. “He works with my father.”

“Yes,” he drawls slowly. “I thought as much. So I guess it isn’t much of a surprise if I tell you that your father, Billy Daniels, is the man in charge of the operation that we now need to bring down. Does this sound like something you might know about?”

“Yes,” I rasp. “I mean no.” I shake my head violently. “I don’t know anything about it. I mean, I guess I always suspected but I didn’t know for sure.”

Maybe I could mention the conversation now, but I won’t. Telling the cops won’t bring Stephen back and they also don’t need it as evidence since they seem to have absolutely everything that they need already. Telling them would only implicate me and that’s the last thing I need.

“Okay, well unfortunately Adrian Walker has told us everything and he’s given us evidence so we have officers out now arresting you father.” I nod acceptingly, knowing that it’s absolutely necessary. “So I suppose we don’t need anything else from you. I just wanted you to know.”

“Does that mean I can go to the hospital now?” I ask while pushing myself into a standing position. “I need to check on Kian, to see how he is.”

“You can,” he says while standing too. “But only if you think you’re up for it. If there’s someone that you need to talk to…”

“No, there isn’t anyone.”

I need to get out of here, that’s all I care about right now. I need to speak to Kian… and I also maybe need to speak to my mom too. I might be okay with all of this but she won’t be. It’ll kill her to know that Dad’s going to jail. She’ll be falling apart. She needs to know that I did it, not that I knew it was going to be him, and she needs to hear it from me. It will be the hardest phone conversation of my entire life, but I have to do it. I don’t owe the woman much but I do owe her that.

“Okay well I guess…”

I don’t wait for him to finish his sentence, I just go. I push out the door and stalk towards the front door with my feet on the ground. I don’t want anyone to make conversation with me, not now when I’m so near to my escape. The end goal is in mind, Kian is at the forefront of my brain, and that’s really all I need.

Once the cool air brushes my cheeks I pull my cell phone out my pocket and I hail down a cab with my spare hand. I don’t really want to give Mom this information over the phone, it definitely feels like more of a face to face conversation, but I don’t have time. The day she basically told me that she didn’t care what Dad did as long as he brought in money she lost the right to be my priority. Right now and forever more Kian will be my priority.

I slide into a car seat of the first cab that stops and I pull up Mom’s name on my phone. I’m sure as hell not looking forward to it but I have to hit dial. It’s time to rip of the band aid and to deal with the consequences that lay underneath…

Chapter Twenty One - Kian

Tia, I think desperately inside my head now that she isn’t by my side anymore. Tia, where are you? I know that she told me there was an ambulance coming and that someone was going to look after me, but I don’t know how long ago that was. I don’t know what’s happened since. I need to open my eyes, I know desperately. That’s all I need to do, I need to open my eyes. It shouldn’t be so hard, I should be able to just do it, but for some reason I can’t seem to just make that happen. Something is keeping my vision black.

I twitch my fingers, because I don’t know what else I can do. I don’t seem to have much control over my body but instinctually I know that I can do that.

Almost the moment that decision is made, I hear a loud gasp flooding through the left hand side of my head. “Oh my gosh, did you see that? He moved. Kian, he moved.” The voice comes clearer, it’s almost as if it’s whispering directly into my ears now. “Kian, are you there? Kian, it’s me. It’s Tia. I’m here, I’ve always been here.”

I feel the warmth of her kin curling around my hand which proves to me this isn’t a dream. Tia really is here, wherever she’s been she’s by my side now, and that’s all that matters. I really need to open my eyes now. The only thing that will make me feel better is seeing her beautiful face. Her eyes, her cheeks, her sweet, gorgeous smile…

“Do you think we need a nurse?” She sounds panicked now. “I think we should get a nurse. Is there a call button or something? How do we get someone in here?”

“Tia, sweetheart, calm down.” The voice that follows Tia’s makes my blood run cold and my heart stop beating. That isn’t just any voice, it’s my mothers. Am I dreaming? It doesn’t make any sense that she would be here and she doesn’t even know Tia. I’ve made damn sure of that. “It’s okay. You wait here. I’ll go and get someone.”

As a door squeaks and slams something changes and I just about manage to open slits of my eyes to let a pure white, bright light in. It’s too much, it’s blinding, my eyes snap back shut in an instant. I can’t stand it. How long have my eyes been closed for it to be that way?

“Kian?” Tia’s soft tones soothe me and shut down just a little bit of my panic. “Kian, it’s me. It’s Tia.” She sighs loudly. “I don’t know if you just opened your eyes then or not, but I hope you did. I really want to see those eyes of your again. Boy, have I missed the gray flecks in among the green. That’s… well, it’s beautiful, you know.”

I’m stunned. If I could talk right now I would be silenced. Tia has noticed the gray flecks in my eyes… no one notices that! They all just think I’m fully identical to Stephen and don’t notice the little differences. The fact that Tia has just warms up my chest and makes my heart open wide. This is why I love her, this is why we work. This is why I know she’s mine.

I pry my eyes open again, this time holding them wide until water starts streaming from them. It’s painful., it hurts like hell, but I need to do it for Tia. She needs to see me. I need to see her. Soon the whiteness changes and I begin to see other colors. Not much variation, admittedly, which I assume means I’m in a hospital. If I can recall the sound of an ambulance then that makes a lot of sense.

“Oh my God, Kian, I can see you,” Tia gasps gratefully. I can almost hear the tears in her voice. “Oh thank God. You’re okay. You’re okay. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

Her face comes into view. It’s the only thing I can see in among the whiteness. Her beautiful, angelic looking face. Her eyes are rimmed red and she looks like she’s been crying for a long old time, but she’s the most gorgeous face in the world to me.

I love you, I think with a wonderful heat racing through my body. I love you, Tia.

“Do you need anything?” she asks while wrapping her arms around my neck. “Can I get you anything? Oh my God, I don’t know what to do. I’m just so happy right now.”

I can’t speak, I don’t know how to answer her, but it doesn’t matter. Having her here is the best thing in the world to me right now…

***

The next time I wake up everything is much clearer. The fog surrounding my mind has cleared slightly which allows me to process everything much easier. I am in a hospital, which is probably a good thing since I’m pretty sure I was shot, and I can already feel Tia’s hand still snaked into mine. I don’t know how long she’s been here, but I’m glad that she is. She’s been my rock, and that just makes me love her even more.

“Oh my goodness, Kian.” This time I’m positive that it’s my mom which is very unexpected. I didn’t even tell her that I was leaving New Zealand so I don’t know how she’s managed to end up in America with me. “Me and your father came as soon as we heard.” I can hear the emotion cracking in her voice. “We didn’t know that you were in America on this foolish mission. You foolish boy.” She tuts loudly, but it’s in a way that makes me want to laugh. I feel like a teenager being scolded by my mommy. “I’m just so glad that you’re okay. God I’m glad. After everything… I couldn’t lose you too.”

I turn my aching neck to see her and as I see my mom, my dad, and Tia all in the same room staring down at me, I feel incredible. This is utterly amazing. I have to be the luckiest son of a bitch alive. I don’t know how any of this happened but I’m so glad that it did. I wanted to make this introduction in a much slower, more careful way, but it seems I don’t need to now. They all look content in one another’s company.

“Now, Kian.” Mom turns all business which doesn’t surprise me at all. She’s always been this way, which I suppose she’s had to be with two boys to raise. “I am not happy about the risk you put yourself in, but now isn’t the time for me to have a conversation with you about. But I do want to discuss this wonderful girl with you.” I can’t say anything as she wraps her arms around Tia. That’s the best sight in the world. “She is amazing and I cannot believe you kept her from me. I know why you did, believe me, I’ve heard the whole story, but at the same time I love her. I can’t wait until you both come back home so I can get to know her so much better.” She looks at Tia and smiles. “She’s just great for you.”

I part my lips and rasp, wishing I could get some words out. There’s so much I want to say but I can’t. I’m too sick, too ill. I mean, I’m obviously better than I was, but I’m not perfect. There seems to be still a whole lot of healing to do. But at least I’m here with my family surrounding me. Right now that’s all I care about.

“Now, Kian, I’m sure that Tia has a lot to say to you.” Mom stands up and moves away from the bed. I see her shoot my dad a look which makes him leap up in his seat. He’s always done just what he’s told, probably for an easy life. “So we’re going to go and let you two get reacquainted. Or whatever.” She waves her hand dismissively. “Okay, see you in a bit.”

As my parents go I feel my head swim. This is still pretty hard to accept, it’s still very weird that they’re here. I must have missed a whole lot and I want to know what.

“I have a lot to tell you,” Tia tells me quietly. “But first, how are you? Are you okay?” I nod as much as I can and wait for her to continue. “Good,” she breathes out deeply. “I’m glad. I’ve been very worried about you, it’s been a week of hell.”

A week? I can’t believe that I’ve been out for a week. That’s absolutely insane. I’ve missed a whole damn week of my life. Still, I suppose it could have been longer. I need to look on the bright side. At least I’m awake.

“So, I suppose you want to know what happened at the concert?” Her shoulders hunch forward, I can see that there’s a whole ball of stress on her shoulders. “They caught the man who shot you, the man who killed Stephen”. She gasps. She looks like she’s struggling to get air into her lungs which worries me. I hope this is over now, I don’t want there to be more. “His name is Adrian Walker… and he’s the business partner of my dad.”

What? Her father? I know she hasn’t spoken too much about her family but this is insane. It makes my brain run wild when I try to work out the reasoning behind it.

“It’s not because of me though, there was a part of me that thought it might be. My dad didn’t know there was a connection between me and Stephen at all. Or me and you. He knows nothing, he just… well, from what the police told me he saw a murder happening on the cruise ship just after he was with me, like we suspected and that… well because he was a witness they wanted him gone.”

Sadness flicks through her eyes and I feel it too. Having the answers with what happened with Stephen is a part of the healing process but now I’m realizing that it isn’t all of it. The hurt is still there but so is the guilt. I guess that will just have to pass with time. At least his memory can be put to rest now, at least we still have all the answers. At least we know why. It doesn’t make it any less senseless, but still.

“I have been staying with my mom,” Tia continues. “It hasn’t been easy, our relationship is still a bit fractured, but we need each other right now. She is really struggling without Dad, but at the same time I think she understands this is necessary. He has to go to jail, you know? He’s the mastermind behind a criminal organization. He can’t keep doing that forever. It had to end sometime.”

I want to tell her that I love her, I want to finally get some words out my mouth and let her know but my vocal chords aren’t working at all. I’ve been rendered mute by the shooting.

On that thought I try to feel the gun shot wound, but I can’t. It’s almost as if it didn’t happen. They must have me on some pretty hefty pain meds. Enough to have me woozy all over again even though I’ve just woken up. I don’t want my eyes to close, I want to stay awake to listen to Tia some more but the fog is back, the need to sleep is wrestling me down and I don’t have the strength to fight it. My eyes flicker closed despite my desperate need for them not to and I give in to the blackness once more…

 

Chapter Twenty Two - Tia

“Is everything okay?” Mom asks me as she wanders into the kitchen to see me with my back pressed against the counter as I wait for the kettle to boil. It’s weird being back at home, but since Mom opened the doors to me and Kian while he heals. “You look very tired, Tia.”

I give her what I hope is a reassuring smile. I am tired, shattered actually, but that’s mostly because I can’t sleep. I’m too scared to rest while Kian does because although he’s had the all clear from the doctor, I’m still scared that he’ll slip away. I just can’t help myself.

“I think I’m alright, Mom. Just keeping an eye on Kian. I need him to be okay.”

It’s an awkward topic of conversation that me and Mom keep trying to scoot around. It’s hard to deal with because she’s still upset about Dad and I’m sure she thinks that I’m not. I am upset, but not about him. I’ve never been close to him, he’s never been a Dad to me. We were just always strangers living under the same roof. I never really realized it until I went to college. Of course she misses him, he was her husband and the man who supported her through their adult life. I understand her point of view completely, but he needs to pay for what he’s done. It isn’t right to have him out on the streets killing others. Whoever he is.

No, I’m not sad about him at all, I’m just sad for Stephen. He didn’t need to die. His and Kian’s wonderful parents, Mary and Bob, didn’t need to lose a son. There are so many reasons that none of this should have happened… but at least the perpetrator is now behind bars. He’s going to be locked away for a very long time. Both of them are.

“Well you need to make sure that you get some rest yourself,” she continues while taking over the making of the drinks. “I understand why you feel so responsible for Kian, but he wouldn’t want you to work yourself into the ground. You know that.”

“No, no, I know that.” I stifle a yawn, wishing I could be a bit stronger. “It’s okay. I’m good.” I narrow my eyes as I can almost see thoughts racing through Mom’s brain. She’s never been one for subtlety. “What is it, Mom? I feel like you have something to say.”

Her eyes well up with tears, I see a show of emotion that I don’t think I’ve ever seen from her before. “I guess I just want to know what your plans are once Kian is better. I know that you’ve been in New Zealand for a while, but you do know that you always have a place to live here. The both of you.”

I think about Mary and Bob in New Zealand. I think about Ashley and all my other friends. My job too. My boss has been very understanding, I know I still have a job when I go back… but that isn’t a decision that I want to make now. Not here while Mom is so emotional. I would much rather wait until we’re all in a much better place.

“I don’t know, Mom.” I say with a sigh taking the mugs from her. “I don’t want to think about that right now, I just want to take this one step at a time.”

She parts her lips, ready to say something but she seems to think better of it at the last minute and she nods mutely instead. I can see that she still needs me and I want to be there for her, I really do, but she hasn’t ever been there for me. She abandoned me when I needed her most. I told her what I heard Dad saying and she basically shut me down and suggested that she didn’t care. That led to Stephen being killed. I don’t want to be just like her but at the same time now is the time of my life when I need to start thinking about me.

“Right, I’m going to go and check on Kian,” I tell her with a small smile. “He’s still in bed, in a lot of pain today so I’ll go and see if he’s okay.”

“Yes. Of course.” She takes a seat at the table and looks pleadingly at me. “You’re a good girl, Tia. Kian is very lucky to have you. I hope he knows that.”

I smirk and turn. Hoping that he does too. I think he does, he’s been thanking me enough, but still it’s nice to hear it from someone else. Every moment I spend with him I find myself falling deeper and deeper in love with him. I just haven’t worked up the courage to say it yet. Kian is going through enough, I don’t want to pile on more pressure if he doesn’t feel the same way about me. I’ll just wait. It’ll be fine, I’m sure.

I push the door open with my foot and see the adorable slightly pale expression of Kian in front of me. He curves his lips upright into a smile as he sees me which warms up my heart. “How are you doing, sweetie?” I murmur as I step inside.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” he grumbles while pushing himself into a sitting position. “I’m looking forward to a coffee.”

I hand him the mug and he takes a massive gulp while rolling his head back and groaning in sheer pleasure. Caffeine seems to be just about the only thing that’s keeping him going at the moment. I love that I can help him with all his pain, even if it’s only in a small way.

“I’ve just been thinking everything through,” he continues to speak thoughtfully. “And it’s crazy isn’t it? It’s like a novel or a movie or something.” I nod slowly, barely paying too much attention to his words. “And I think it should be written down.” My head bobs up and down, but my ears aren’t really processing anything still. “Didn’t you used to write? Like, stories, I mean. Not just the newspaper stuff.”

Okay that gets my attention. I flick my eyes up to him and examine him closely. I try to work out what he’s trying to tell me in a roundabout way. I have told him that I like writing fiction and that I started to do so but I never told him the details. Stephen inspired it and it was kind of steamy. There are many things I tell him but not that. It’s too embarrassing to share.

“What I’m trying to tell you is that I think you should write the story of what happened to us.” He winces in pain but I hardly notice. His words have got the cogs in my brain absolutely flying. What we went through was like the plot of a book or something. I could use it to write something. It would be the perfect way to keep Stephen’s memory alive too which is something that I really want to do. “Don’t you think?”

“I… I don’t know. Yeah, I think that maybe I could.” The plot begins forming, all the details I haven’t forgotten come to the forefront of my brain once more. There’s so much to write about, it could be an amazing story. “That’s a really good idea.”

He takes my hand and stares up lovingly into my eyes. “I think you’ll do a really good job of it, you know. And I think it’s best for you to get back to writing. It’s something that you love, something you’re passionate about, something that deserves you to give it a chance. I want you to be happy, you know that?”

“I do know that,” I reply thickly. “I do and it means so much to me that it makes me want to do more. But…” I bite down on my bottom lip, wondering if now might be the right time. I’m so filled with love right now that I can feel it running over. I can’t control it anymore, it needs to come out. “You are the one who makes me happy. I love you, Kian, I love you so damn much.”

He’s silent for a beat too long, making me wonder if I’ve made a mistake. I’ve been so logical, I’ve tried to be so careful with my words, but his understanding of my true nature just made it explode from me. I didn’t mean it to happen, it just did.

“Oh God, Tia,” he replies with a cracked, emotional voice. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to hear that.” Relief floods me as I realize this must mean that he feels the same way about me. The tight knot in my stomach uncoils and I feel my pulse rate return to normal. Well, almost normal, this is still a huge, life changing moment after all. “I love you too. I’ve loved you for a very long time. You’re just… you’re everything to me.”

I press my lips against his, not too hard because I know that he’s still very fragile. I let the love flow from my lips to his, solidifying the union that we now share. I feel even more secure in what we have now. I feel like we actually will make this last forever. Maybe the way we met is a little crazy, but now none of that matters. Now we’re just us.

“Well, I think I better get a little more sleep,” Kian grunts while lying back. “And you probably want to get to writing, don’t you? I can almost see the ideas floating behind your eyes already. Your brain is all busy.”

I chuckle knowingly because he’s so right. I can feel an itch in the ends of my fingers, needing to get out. It’s a strong urge I’ve never felt before.

“You’re correct,” I tell him happily. I lean forward to place a kiss on his forehead. “You get some sleep, sweetie, and I’ll see you when you wake up. Love you.” My chest warms, I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of saying those words.

“I love you too.” Oh, it seems I won’t ever grow tired of hearing them either. They make me feel so damn special it hurts. “Night.”

As Kian rests his head back on the pillow I step back from him and move over to my desk. When I moved to New Zealand in a hurry I left all my notebooks and writing equipment behind meaning that they’re still there now. The only good thing that my parents did was leaving my bedroom exactly as I left it. I don’t know how I would have felt coming back if that weren’t the case. With a pink notebook and a black biro, I sit at my desk and I let the pen flow without thinking about it. I don’t even consider the quality of the work. I know that the most important thing to do now is get the story out. Once it’s out there, on paper, I can edit it and make it so much better then. I might even change names and places then, to protect the real identities of people if they don’t want to be in it. Make it more of a fiction piece than fact, but for now, everything will be what it was:

The Princess Cruise was supposed to change everything. I wanted it to kick start my brand new life. I expected to find something aboard that ship, something that would steer me in a new direction and change the course of my current, very boring, existence. As I stared up at the grand ship, I felt a burst of excitement as I got the sense that nothing would ever be the same again.

It did change everything, but not in the way that I expected…

Chapter Twenty Three - Kian

I don’t know how to take Tia’s mom if I’m honest. I mean, she’s always been nice to me but I know from Tia that she hasn’t always been great. We have a stilted, slightly awkward relationship, but it’s okay for now. I’m polite because she’s let me stay in her house while I recover which is very good of her, but I know that she knew about her husband’s escapades and she did nothing about it. Stephen died because of that, which I cannot fully forgive.

Hopefully it won’t be too much longer. I’m getting ready to leave this house now, to restart my life. I’m itching to leave the confines of these four walls and to be me again.

“What are you doing?” I ask Tia while rubbing her shoulders. There’s a lot of tension there, she could use a good massage really. “You’ve been writing for hours now.”

“Hmm?” She looks up at me, bleary eyed and a little confused. “Oh I’m sorry have I been neglecting you?” She smiles thinly, blinking far too rapidly. “I’m sorry I keep getting sucked into the story line and getting lost. It makes me forget all about the rest of the world.”

“That’s good.” A bright, beaming proud smile spreads across my cheeks. I’ve never been so proud, it feels like Tia is finally flowing her dream at last and she’s really happy doing it. She’s only let me read snippets of the story at the moment, but it’s fantastic. She’s a true talent. I know she’s going to edit it to make it a mix of fact and fiction at the end to protect certain identities, but I think what he’s done is fantastic. It’s a real mood piece, a great way to remember Stephen. “I’m glad. That means it’ll be an amazing end product. You will have publishers and agents trying to snap your hand off.”

“Oh I don’t know about that.” She blushes coyly. “But I am having a very good time writing it. I forgot how much I like to write fiction. I mean, I enjoy my job at the paper and everything but this is just so much more me.”

“Good. Can I read some?” I reach forward to take a piece of paper from her but she snatches it away and shakes her head violently at me. “What? Why not?”

“I don’t want you to read it again until it’s done,” she says anxiously. “Your opinion and trying to please you is putting me off. Just let me get it done first.”

I’m not offended. I know what it’s like trying to do something creative. I don’t want anyone to hear my songs either until they are completely done. I take a step back with my hands in a surrendering gesture and give her a chuckle to show that I’m not offended.

“Alright, alright. Whatever you want. I’ll just be over here, waiting for you.”

She looks at me thoughtfully while tapping her chin. With her intense piercing gaze, I feel like she can see straight into me and she sees the things that I would much rather keep hidden. Usually I like that she can see that much of me, it makes me feel special that she knows me so well, but now I feel a little uncomfortable under it. It’s almost as if I have something to hide although I don’t know what it is.

“You are bored now, aren’t you?” Ah, that’s it. I don’t want her to know that I’m growing impatient to move on. Not when she’s in such a good creative place. “You want to leave here now.” I don’t say anything, but I guess chewing down on my bottom lip tells her everything that she needs to know. “I guess what we need to do is decide what to do next.” She cocks her head and gives me a curious look. “What are you thinking?”

I part my lips to speak, even though I don’t know what I’m going to say, but as it turned out I’m saved by the bell… or at least by the sound of my phone ringing loudly. “Oh, I better get this,” I tell her regretfully as I leave the room.

Once outside I press my back against the door and I close my eyes for a moment of relief. I know that I want to leave but I don’t know what I want to do. If I’m honest, there are other things that I’ve been keeping from Tia too and that’s musical job offers in America and New Zealand. Judging from the number that’s on my phone screen, this is going to be more of that.

“Hello?” I answer quietly. “Kian Jones speaking.”

“Hi, Kian,” comes the slick, smooth reply. “This is Bonnie from Mr. Beaumont’s office. I am just calling to chase you up, to see if you’ve had time to think about our offer.”

God the offer they’ve given me is good. Too good. It’ll catapult me to the rich and famous area of life I didn’t even know I desired until I performed that gig. I can close my eyes as I speak to Bonnie and I can see myself doing that for a living and making a whole lot of money as I do. Me and Tia would be set for life easily and it would probably be a whole lot of fun. Yes, it might be a little weird that it’s an offer piggybacking the controversial concert and it might also be strange that the Mr. Beaumont wanted to sign my brother too, but I’m trying my best not to think too hard about that one.

“I have,” I tell her sadly. “But I still don’t know what to do about it….”

“Is it more offers?” she jumps in, misinterpreting my hesitation. “Because we can go higher. Mr. Beaumont is more than willing to pay you whatever you want. You’re hot stuff right now. I’m sure we can work out a good deal for you.”

This is the thing that sickens me. I know I could be more successful in America, I know I could be rolling in all the money in the world if I took it, but the main reason they want me now is because my brother was killed and I was shot. I’m a news story. I’ve probably gone viral online, my story is surely everywhere. They want me like I’m a commodity and I don’t know if that’s what I want for my future. Life is too short to be unhappy.

Plus, it isn’t just me that my decision affects. I glance backwards towards Tia’s room and consider what she wants. Really, all I want is to be in the same country as her. What’s happened now has ensured that I definitely cannot live without her. She’s car crashed into my life, affected me deeply, and now all I want is to spend the rest of my life making her happy.

“I’m sorry, Bonnie,” I say smilingly while tugging the phone away from my ear. “I don’t know how to answer this question right now, I need more time. I know that probably doesn’t suit, but…” I hang up before I can finish my sentence, but I really don’t care anymore. I want to continue doing music, but I don’t want to sell my soul for it.

I glance at the screen of my phone and scroll to the text messages I’ve ben sharing with a music producer back in Wellington. It isn’t a big operation out there in New Zealand, it won’t make me nearly as much money, but I could be happier and freer. That’s another choice. Maybe that’s the one I really want to take, I don’t know yet.

I haven’t wanted to be truly famous for a very long time, I remind myself as I look at the screen. That hasn’t been in my plan for ages. Now I also have the woman that I love to consider. She has a life in New Zealand, and one here too.

It’s up to her, it has to be. With a loud, determined sigh, I push the door to her bedroom back open and I step inside to watch her happily squirreling away with her writing all over again. I tiptoe across the room, not wanting to disturb her, and I sit on the edge of her sheets just waiting for her to get to a stopping point. I know now not to talk to her when she’s in the middle of a sentence if I don’t want to be on the wrong end of her wrath.

I prop my elbows onto my knees and rest my head on my hands as I watch her. I’m glad that I can bend this way now. The wound has healed enough for me to move now but I’ll always have a big scar to remind me of that night… not that I think I can forget it anytime soon.

“Right.” Tia spins on her chair to look at me. I can see a fire in her gaze which makes me happy. She looks so damn beautiful when she has that spark within her. It always reminds me why I fell in love with her in the first place. She’s spunky, fun, passionate, ambitious, lovely… I just love everything about her. “Who was that on the phone?”

I guess it’s now or never. Time to just tell her everything. I haven’t wanted to hide it from her, I just haven’t wanted to pile the pressure on while she’s writing, but I know what Tia is like. She’ll be like a dog with a bone now that she suspects something. It’s time to just blurt it all out and be truthful with her.

“That was a record label,” I tell her with a blush. “In America. A pretty big one that wants to sign me up, help me to release some albums and tour.”

Initially her eyes widen with happiness, she looks pleased for me that my dreams are coming true, but before she can say anything it dawns on her the implications of this decision. She suddenly sees that this isn’t just a straight forward thing. “Oh,” she practically whispers. “Right, I see. And what do you think about that?”

“It isn’t the only offer I’ve had,” I admit. “And not all of them take place in America.” I give her a one shouldered shrug and fix my eyes on the ground while I continue. “Of course the ones that are better money are here, there’s no escaping that, but I have also been given opportunities in New Zealand. I guess with what you’ve just been saying, it’s time to decide what we want to do next.”

She pushes her chair back stands up, pacing the room with her hands clasped behind her back as if she’s really troubled by this information. “And what do you want to do? I mean, I suppose I could do my writing anywhere if you want me with you…”

“Of course I want you with me,” I insist with a chuckle. “I want to do whatever you want.”

She turns to give me an imploring look under her eyelashes, making my heart melt. “And what do you think would be best for you? What do you think your best option is?”

“Honestly?” I reply while grasping her hands. “I think I will be richer in America, but happier in New Zealand. Where do you think you could find the most happiness?”

She slumps against my chest and warps her arms around my waist. I envelop her in a hug while I wait for her answer. This is a big life decision that lays ahead of us. I don’t want her to make a snap decision while under pressure.

“I want to be in New Zealand,” she finally admits. “I don’t feel like I have anything but bad memories in America. I was lonely here, miserable, my father lives here. Even if he’s in prison, he’s still everywhere in this house. Plus Stephen died here, and you got shot. I just want to be in Wellington with my friends and my job… plus your parents. They don’t deserve to lose another son.”

I pull back to look at her seriously. “But what about your mother? Doesn’t she need you?”

Her face tightens, I can see anger flashing in her eyes. Maybe that was the wrong thing to say. “I love my mother, but I’m sure she will be just fine without me. She’s had me for some time, but she’s an adult and she needs to live with the choices that she’s made. I’m sure she’ll be fine anyway, she isn’t alone. She has friends. I need to do what’s right for me, and I think that’s being in New Zealand.”

I dip my head down gently kiss the top of her head in a loving way. “If that’s what you want then that’s what I want too.” My whole chest expands with happiness and relief, this is what I’ve wanted, I just needed Tia to agree with me before I could settle on it. “We’re going to be very happy me and you, I just know it.”

Chapter Twenty Four - Tia

As soon as the decision is made and I know that we’ll be leaving America soon, a freedom bursts in my chest. I push myself up onto my tiptoes to reach Kian’s high up lips so I can kiss them with everything that I feel for him. I’m so glad that he wants me because he’s all that I want too. I cannot imagine spending even one more day of my life without him.

I don’t want to remain in America, even if the opportunities are better. There are too many bad memories here that I never want to think about again. I would much rather be in my safe haven where all of this is miles away, with my friendship group and my happy life. However, if Kian had told me then that he wanted to stay in America, I would do it for him. I love him too damn much, I would do anything for this wonderful man.

My fingers idly trace up his stomach where I find the scar left behind from his injury. I delicately brush it, noticing for the first time in a very long time that he isn’t wincing from the pain. He must be on his way to getting better, fully better, which is awesome.

“How are you feeling now?” I mutter against his lips. “Are you okay?”

“Good enough for this.” His hands circle my waist and I start to feel the material of my top slide up over my head. There’s a deep passion as he curls his finger tips around the material which I haven’t felt in a very long time. I’ve been trying to contain myself, to hold the deep fiery need inside until Kian is better, and now finally it seems like that time has come. My heart beats faster as goose bumps prickle along my now, naked skin.

“Are you sure?” I ask breathlessly as I feel a deep throbbing all over my body. My core is already pulsating desperately and he hasn’t even confirmed that this is going to happen yet. “You aren’t still too hurt, are you?” I don’t want to hurt him more, even if I want it.

“I’m not too hurt for you, no,” he growls while nipping at my bottom lip with his teeth. “I have hated holding back. I don’t think I can do it for another second longer.”

With that it’s my turn to remove his top and as I do I allow my fingers to feel every millimeter of his strong, sculpted abs. I’ve missed this body so much that I could groan and pant all night long. As I’ve been writing, I keep getting distracted by the memory of how good it is to be with Kian, so I’m so glad I get the chance again.

Once Kian’s top is off I push him roughly backwards until his back hits the wall behind him. His eyes widen in shock which only causes a cheeky smile to spread across my lips. It’s ben far too long since we’ve been in this position and I damn well want to take full advantage of it. I walk towards him, swaying my hips as I go, which makes him lick his lips with anticipation. I like that look on his face, it makes my heart pound even harder.

As soon as I meet Kian’s body again I connect my mouth with his neck. I start by kissing him softly and gently while slowly trailing my fingers along the waistband of his boxers. There’s an intense heat coming from there, I can feel a steely rod inside, but first I want to make him wait until he can barely stand it anymore. I want to drive him crazy.

Eventually he grunts loudly, his thighs tense, and his fingers grip tightly into my hips. I know then that I have my moment. I clamp my teeth down into Kian’s neck, biting him and marking him as mine, all while dipping my hand into his underwear and wrapping my fingers around that thick, incredible shaft. His hot, thick, throbbing erection.

“Oh God,” I groan into his throat. “Fuck.” I forgot how big he is, how good he feels. The memory floods me violently. “Oh, Kian.”

His short, sharp breaths tell me that my touch is doing it for him, so I run my hand up and down him, absolutely loving the sound that flies from his lips as I do. He’s needy, he’s desperate, he’s mine. I want to take that one step further, and judging by the wetness inside my mouth my whole body is utterly desperate for a taste of him.

I pull my hand away from him, smiling as Kian protests, until I drop to my knees with a thud in front of him, silencing him completely.

I keep my eyes fixed upon Kian as I pull his trousers down and get rid of his boxers too. It was fine to touch him underneath the material with just my hands, but now I need him springing free and standing to attention. As his cock falls from his pants, I inhale deeply, squirming as the sexy, masculine scent of him fills my nostrils.

I take his shaft in one hand and run gentle kisses up and down him for a moment. It quickly becomes obvious that he likes my mouth near his tip, so I remain there for a few seconds, brushing my lips against him, tickling him with my breath, and eventually flickering my tongue over him as if he’s an ice cream that I just can’t get enough of.

“Oh fuck,” he moans while lolling his head to one side in sheer ecstasy. He looks so damn sexy like that. “Tia, your mouth… it’s amazing. You have no fucking idea.”

I move my whole head closer and part my lips. Kian rests his cock on my tongue, begging for entrance. His tense thighs are almost shuddering as he waits, and I can’t help but love the power this gives me over him. I love having control over this big, beautiful man, it reminds me that after everything we’ve been through he’s finally mine. Then I open my mouth wider and I slide him down as far as I can manage, until he’s hitting the back of my throat. I can taste him back there, and it feels damn good.

“Shit, Tia.” Kian’s hands knot up into my hair. He tugs my head slightly, pulling me back. I let him control my movements but only for a second. I need him to remember that I’m the powerful one here. I’m the one in command. “Oh God.”

I drag my mouth back to his tip, flicking my tongue the entire way. He tastes delicious, sweet and salty all at once, making my heart beat faster. My panties soak, I can feel them dampen with every movement. Anticipation races through my body at the thought of him touching me too… but I’m not ready for that yet, I’m too busy enjoying myself.

This time as I push my lips down to his base, I use my spare hand to cup his balls. This isn’t something that I’ve ever one before, but in the heat of the moment it just feels right. There’s something about Kian and the way that he looks at me as if I’m the most desirable woman on the planet that makes me feel brave. It unleashes a primal animal within me which I absolutely love. I enjoy being wicked and naughty, it’s exciting to learn new things about myself, it just makes me want to open up more and more.

I massage his balls as Kian starts to lose control. He can’t help but guide my head up and down him fast and furious which creates an exciting friction against my lips. I love the burning sensation, it’s just further proof that according to Kian, I’m sexy as fuck.

“Oh fuck, stop,” he eventually spits out, pulling my head away. “Stop it, I can’t take it anymore. You’re driving me insane. I can’t… you’re going to make me lose it too soon.”

He tugs my mouth away and places his hands flat against the wall behind him as he tries to catch his breath. I’m disappointed because I was enjoying myself, but also happy. I cannot wait to feel him inside of me and if he’d finished too soon then I would have been left one very frustrated woman. Dissatisfied and needy as hell.

While I wait for Kian to get control of himself, I decide to perform a strip tease with the rest of my clothes. There might not be any music playing but I sway and swing my hips as if there is, tugging down my trousers, pulling off my bra, and eventually removing my soaking wet panties. Once they’re off I chuck them at him so Kian can feel just how het up I am for him. I feel sexy as hell as his expression lights up.

“Fucking hell,” he growls as the material brushes past him. “Are you trying to send me wild?”

With dark, hooded eyes, he slams his body into me and kisses me fiercely. Our teeth crash together violently but neither of us care. We’re both far too het up to be worried about anything like that. This is all pure, unbridled passion and neither of us can get enough.

“Turn around,” Kian hisses at me. “And place your hands flat on the bed.”

Feeling very cheeky, I listen to his words. I bend over my bed with my butt high in the air, presenting myself to him. Maybe I should feel silly or vulnerable, but with Kian I don’t. He’s safe, he loves me, and I do him.

“Part your legs,” he insists. “I want to see all of you.”

“Yes, sir,” I rasp teasingly as I do as he asks. My wet slit must be revealed to him because he grunts as if he’s in physical pain. “Is there anything else you want me to do for you, Sir?”

“Touch yourself,” he rasps. “Just for a minute. I want to watch you.”

This is a new game, a kinky game that I like. I guess me and Kian haven’t had nearly enough time together yet to fully get to know one another and what we like. Things have been so crazy around us, it’s been hard to get some alone time. I can’t wait to find out more, I’m looking forward to learning everything about Kian.

My fingers stroke down my thighs and back up again. Then I take them to my highly sensitive nub and I gasp out in pleasure as I finally get some relief. Of course I would much rather it be Kian touching me, but having him watch me is fun too.

“Oh fuck,” I groan, falling into the bed sheets as the pleasure gets me. “Oh, Kian.”

When I say his name I think the passion must get to him because I can feel him against my butt in a heart beat. His rock hard erection rubs against me, which makes me cry out for him. My body screams, my hips roll, I desperately need to feel him inside of me.

“Stop teasing me, Kian,” I gasp desperately. “It’s been too long. I can’t take it anymore. You’re driving me crazy.”

I peer over my shoulder, flicking my hair as I do and I watch him grab himself tightly. He fists himself a couple of times causing a ball to lodge itself into my throat, then he angles himself and pushes in, filling me completely. My fingers are still brushing against my clit so with each trust the intensity in the pressure grows. The pleasure starts off like a hot pool deep in my toes and it rises through me as Kian’s thrusts get harder and more desperate. My knees bang against the bedframe, my free hand has to grab onto the sheets just to keep me upright, but as my head spins violently I just don’t care. It feels too fucking good, this is the best that I’ve felt in a very long time.

“Holy shit!” I scream as the hot pool spreads through my stomach. “Oh my God, Kian.”

“You just keep touching yourself,” he says in a shaky tone. “Don’t stop, don’t you stop.”

I do as he commands as I feel him shudder behind me. My lips wrapped around him earlier has brought him to the brink probably much quicker than he wanted but I don’t mind that at all. I’m very close myself, teetering on the edge actually, and we have all night to do this again.

No, not all night. All life. We have the rest of our lives for this.

Finally, the pleasure hits me like a tsunami of waves. It washes over me, it rolls through my body, and the whole time the entire world has shrunk down to just me and Kian. No one else matters, nothing else exists. It’s only me and him and that’s just the way I love it. My heart thunders, my knees buckle, my body shudders and shakes, but Kian holds on to me, keeping me safe and protected the entire time.

“I love you,” I mutter afterwards as I can feel the pleasure bursting from him. “I love you, Kian. So damn much.”

It isn’t until we’re lying in one another’s arms afterwards, panting and clinging to one another as if no one else exists in the world that I realize in the heat of the moment that we acted a little irrationally. I didn’t think about it at the time and I’m sure Kian didn’t either. We didn’t use protection.

I’m sure it’s fine, I think reassuringly to myself as I roll onto one side to gave up at Kian. I’m sure that being reckless once won’t matter. I won’t get pregnant after just one time… surely?

 

Epilogue - Tia

Six Months Later…

I rub my swollen belly, shaking my head once more at my utter naivety. I didn’t think I’d get pregnant so quick which is why I ignored all the early signs. I put the morning sickness down to the stress of flying back to New Zealand and the stress of moving into Kian’s home. I assumed that the endless tiredness was just me trying desperately to get back into the swing of things, I though I was just gaining a little weight because I was finally happy.

Now, I know for sure. I can’t deny it anymore with this rock hard round belly, and I think I’m just about getting used to the idea which is a good thing because in three months time, me and Kian will be inviting our baby daughter into the world.

How is he more adjusted to the idea than me? I think bemusedly. I’m the one carrying the baby and I forget sometimes, but not Kian.

He’s super excited, and his parents are too. For a while they all hoped that it would be twins, I suppose to replace what’s been lost, but I have to admit I’m glad that it isn’t. One baby is going to be enough to deal with, never mind two. I’m not convinced I have it in me to be a good enough mother to keep just one child alive. I just hope that everything changes when the time comes and it’s just natural to me.

Ring, ring… Ring, ring…

I grab my phone and look at the screen, smiling as I see my mom’s name. We get on much better these days, which might well be because I’ve grown up and she’s in a much better place in her life too… or maybe it’s just because we live in different countries. Maybe that’s the only way we can have a good relationship.

“Hi, Mom, you okay?” I say warmly into the phone.

“Yes, I’m good. Just about to head out with my friends. Just wanted to check in on you and the baby.”

By ‘friend’ I think she means date but she’s too embarrassed to tell me. I don’t mind, I’m happy for her to move on now that she’s divorced from Dad. She deserves some happiness in her life. I just hope that this time she’s picked someone wisely and it isn’t another idiotic criminal just to keep her rolling in the money. Me and Kian certainly don’t have a flash lavish lifestyle, but we’re comfortable. That’s all I care about now.

“Good, thanks.” I rub my belly again, smiling down at my unborn child. “All id going really well.”

“I have my trip out to see you booked just after your due date.” I roll my eyes as I try to consider how hard that’s going to be. Still, I can’t keep her away from her grandchild, that wouldn’t be fair. “So that will be nice.”

I hear the door click open and I swing my eyes excitedly around the room. Kian has been off on some job today, all very mysterious, and I can’t wait to find out more about what he’s been doing. I can talk to my mom about how ‘wonderful’ her visit will be some other time.

“Oh, I have to go, Mom. Kian is home, but I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”

“Yes, yes, U have to go too. I’ll speak to you then.”

I jump up excitedly and I move towards the door to see Kian. Even now after all this time my heart beats faster and I get butterflies in my stomach every time I see him. He manages to have a powerful affect on me and I don’t think that will ever end.

“Hey, baby,” I call out. “I can’t wait to hear about your day… oh.” The words fall away from my lips as I see him kneeling in front of the door with an open ring box in his hands. “Oh my goodness.” My hand claps against my mouth in shock. “What is this, Kian?”

“I love you,” he chuckles, his eyes already filling up with water. “I love you so much that I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to do this.” He breathes a couple of times as if he’s trying to collect himself. “I love you, Tia, and I have done for ages. Maybe even from the very first moment when I met you… even if you were calling me a different name.”

A tear trickles down my cheek at the memory. When I thought he was Stephen and I chased him out of the club. How crazy our journey has been. It’s just a good job that I have it all recorded in my best selling novel, The Beautiful Disaster.

“I want you to be my wife, especially now that you’re carrying my baby.” He reaches out to rub my belly. “I want to make you happy, I want to spend the rest of my life making you happy because you deserve it. I was us to be together forever, you know.” He holds the box out to me again. “So what do you say? Will you be my wife?”

“Yes,” I reply with utter certainty. “Of course I will.”

He leaps up to push the princess cut diamond ring onto my finger and then he wraps his arms around me to hold me close. As he does the tears roll free, but I’m happy crying. This is the happiest that I’ve ever been in my whole damn life. Me and Kian, Kian and me, we’re the real deal. Me and him forever more.

“We might have to get married soon,” I warn him. “Unless you want my mother to visit twice.”

He groans and rolls his eyes, before laughing at me. “You know what, you’re worth it. I suppose I can put up with her. Just because I love you.”

I press my lips against his and kiss him softly. “I love you too, Kian. Forever and always. This is just the start of yet another journey and I cannot wait to share it with you.”