WAITING AT BROCK’S door is probably the most significant moment in my life.
Some people would say that I'm overly emotional and maybe I am. I've barely slept or eaten in days, my eyes are bloodshot and swollen from tears, and my legs tremble like Jell-O, but in my guts, it feels like the most significant moment in my life.
More than when I got accepted at an Ivy-League college.
More than when I graduated college Suma Cum Laude.
More than when I vowed at six years old that Brock and I would forever be the best of friends in the whole wide world.
At that very moment, standing in front of his closed door, unsure as to if he would open or not, my heart beats wildly in my chest with a hope I’m afraid of feeling blossom.
But I can’t lose Brock.
Eyes brimming with tears, arms tightly crossed over an old t-shirt hanging loosely on me, I lock eyes with Brock when he swings the door open.
“What are you doing here?’’ he flatly asks, a hand braced against the door and the other closed into a tight fist.
I blink fast at his tone, chasing away the tears before they break free. It’s like he's already gone. And maybe everything is already ruined. Maybe I’m delusional and about to embarrass myself, but if there’s one person in this world who is worth it, it’s him, my Brock.
“I'm giving you my heart.’’
“What?’’ His brows disappear behind the wavy locks hiding parts of his forehead. It's quite incredible to witness how his eyes clear in a matter of two beats of my heart. The detachment is gone, but in its place questions are swirling. “What are you talking about?’’
“I’m in love with you, and it took me nearly losing you to realize it.’’ I brush away a few tears as they trace damp paths down my cheeks. “How stupid is that?’’
His Adam’s apple bobs in his throat, barely visible under his thick scruff as if he’s spent days without shaving, something he rarely did if ever when he went to work. “Stop it.’’ He moved back and released the door as if getting ready to close it in my face.
My heart lurches in my chest. I slap my hand on the door before he makes a move and shake my head.
“I just said I’m in love with you.’’
His lips don’t stretch into a smile. No, instead they almost disappear in a straight line as his eyes narrow on me with what I think is sadness mixed with disappointment and anger.
“I don't believe you.’’
“Wh-What?’’ I whisper brokenly as more tears spill out of my already swollen eyes.
“We’ve always been in each other’s life. Always. You’re scared of losing me, of the changes my leaving will do at work and in your life. But you don’t love me.’’
“To get this straight,’’ I say in a broken voice, the words so wobbly it’s a wonder they’re audible, “I’m saying that I’m in love with you to keep you here.’’
“I’d probably do the same thing in your shoes.’’
“And yet you’re the one in love with me and so readily leaving me.’’ I bit back.
His eyes leave mine then and fix the floor. “Don’t you get that it guts me to just look at you? I’m tired of repressing my feelings for you and now that I know what it’s like to be with you? I can’t fucking go back.’’
I take a step closer, pain radiating from my broken heart to my ribcage and through my very bloodstream. I ache, and I have no idea what to do with that kind of pain. All I know is that his distrust of me is harder to take than the news of his leaving for New York. His departure is one thing that’s already extremely painful, but his lack of trust when it comes to me is telling.
Something broke between us when both our hearts shattered.
“I’m not asking for our relationship to go back to what it was before we had sex, Brock. That’s the opposite.’’
“Stop it. Go back home. You’re sick and—‘’
“Sick! Ah!’’ I blurt in his face as my tears from sadness morph into tears of anger. “I don’t have the flu, you fool! I’ve been unable to function because you’re leaving, because I’ve realized that what I feel isn’t love for a best friend, but the kind of love you build a life on. I don’t care about Zann, about the company or that our mothers would be badgering us with wedding plans if you give me another chance. I only want you and everything that life offers us. I want to fall asleep next to you and wake up in your arms every day. I want to keep going to these stuffy functions even if I hate them as long as I’m on your arm because we always find a way to laugh at watching the permanently surprised faces of the socialite-botoxed wives. Most of all, I want you in my life because without you, my world isn’t as bright. You’ve always brightened my world, Brock. It took me a long time to realize what it means and to understand that why I’ve never been happier with other men was because they’re not you and that my heart was already taken. It’s always been yours.’’
He stands there, watching me without saying a word and I can’t read him. I can’t anymore.
I close my eyes tightly, and more tears leave my eyes. Cold seeps into my body, that same cold that permeated my body ever since Brock left me.
I drop my hand from the door and re-open my eyes to find him closer to me, his face just above mine and his eyes, those bright gold coins are my world.
“Repeat it,’’ he asks gruffly.
“What?’’
He’s so close that I smell his cologne, the softener from his button-down open at his neck and I see his flushed cheeks under his scruff. Everything inside me begs him to touch me, to gather me in his arms, to kiss me, but I don’t move other than by tilting my head to keep my eyes in his.
“You know what.’’ His mouth says the words, but my flesh feels them. Goosebumps take over, and I shiver.
“I love you.’’
A pained expression takes over his face for a brief moment, but it disappears when he grips my face with his hands, his palms so hot they seared me. “Don’t say it to keep me here, Addy.’’
He’s calling me Addy again.
My heart flutters and my lower lip trembles. My hands find their way to his tense shoulders that I grab onto when my legs wobble so much I’m afraid I’ll end up on the floor in a puddle.
“I’m not, I swear I’m not,’’ I beg him with my eyes. “Think about it. You’ve never liked my boyfriends because of your feelings for me, but I’ve always hated the girls you were with too. I’ve always been happier with you around. And in your arms? Brock, that’s the only moment when I’m complete. I love you, please don’t doubt me.’’
“And Zann? I’ve seen—‘’
“You saw me looking at a handsome man like you sometimes look at stunning women. But I can’t stand the man, and he doesn’t hold a candle to you. I already told my father that I plan on telling Zann that if he doesn’t stop hitting on me, I’ll offer him a way out of the contract. It would cost the company, but you’re more important to me.’’
“You’d do that?’’
“I haven’t been to work in three days, and I just broke down in front of my father. I don’t care about the company because the company doesn’t have my heart. You do.’’ I place my hands on his chest and welcome his warmth. “Between you and the company, I’ll always pick you.’’
“I’m going to kiss you now,’’ he whispers roughly. The rumble of his voice travels through my body and lights me up.
“And then?’’ I ask, fear gripping me. In real life, it’s not because you love someone that they’re going to stay. Love doesn’t always win.
His smile widens, and his thumb traces my lower lip. Tingles spread, and it takes everything inside me to stop myself from wrapping my lips around his finger.
“Then I’m going to make love to you again and again.’’ He brings his mouth close to mine until his lips form the words against my mouth, teasing me of a kiss I’m dying to get, but that’s still eluding me. “You make me the happiest man, Addy. You’re offering me what I’ve always wanted but thought I would never have.’’
I close my eyes, and finally, my fears ebb away to leave behind only hope that grows roots.
There’s only a best friend to trust you enough to give you their heart a second time, even if it meant that it could get irremediably crushed.
Brock trusts me and loves me more than I ever thought possible.