Chapter Twenty-Two
Lee
At twenty-four I never expected to make a life-changing decision like this. Getting married, changing jobs, buying a house? Sure. But this? Hell no! This decision, as selfish as it could be, shouldn’t be that at all. I need to make the best one for her. For Grans.
The need to keep holding on shouldn’t outweigh her need for proper care. Right now we are managing, but her bad days are outweighing the good and as much as I don’t want to do it, I have to make a decision—sooner rather than later.
Which puts me in another bind. Do I go ahead and refinance the house to pay for Lavender Springs partial home care or do I wait? Keep up this exhausting routine I’ve set for us all?
Not only does my decision affect Grans, it affects every single person who helps her daily. How long can I keep calling in favors? How long is too long to ask someone to basically give up their whole week to care for a woman who is losing who she is? Each and every day is a gamble of what to expect.
So, I do it. I do what my financial resources will allow by getting her the proper care she deserves. I fill out the application, have my mom sign and seal Grans’ fate. Maybe with having the trained staff stopping by we can keep Grans around longer.
By finally moving forward you would think I would feel some sort of relief, but I don’t. I tried to prepare myself. I planned for this exact moment, searching for ways to build income to give her the best care. But, now that she actually needs it, why do I feel like shit? Why does it feel like I’m giving up?
Betraying my promise. My word.
Ellie
Today is one of those days when I’m not sure what I’m doing. I’m doubting every decision I make.
Is it for me or for someone else?
Am I content, or do I need more?
Music was my everything, my outlet from everyday life. And now, I’m not even sure if I’m playing for me anymore or if I’m playing just to prove them wrong.
I sang to get attention, to be heard, to be accepted. I sang like my life depended on it and then I was singing to spend my nights alone.
Then Presley Aaron Scott came crashing into my life and changed everything. I was no longer singing for a job, for a place to live or to punish the people who abandoned me. I played because I needed it. He tuned my life into a perfect song.
He’s my melody.
I don’t need anything else. I just need him.
But singing shouldn’t be about someone else. If I can’t learn to sing for myself, then why am I even performing at all?
Sitting down on the floor, I pull out my guitar, hugging it to my chest. Music has never left me alone.
I close my eyes, let myself go, and begin to play. I feel every high, every low. Every fear, every joy. Every pain, every scar.
I let myself feel, for me.
With each chord I play, the answer becomes more clear. My songs become wishes, but only I can make them come true. I know this now.
Tears fall, not because I’m sad, but because I know the answer. It’s time I bet my life on me.
Wiping away the tears, I gently set the guitar back in the case and begin to close the lid when a folded piece of stationary falls out.
Lee.
My hands, eager. My heart, pounding. I open it to see what he has to say.
Ellie Jane –
I’m sorry. I am so, so sorry that I didn’t stick up for you. I’m sorry for each and every time you stood up and I watched you get knocked back down and did nothing. I should have been stronger, like you.
You see, from the moment you were conceived I knew you were destined for great things. You, my little angel, were a fighter. ARE A FIGHTER. You kicked and sang your way into this world. That’s right. You didn’t cry, you sang. The greatest song anyone could have given me.
I tried to be your voice when you didn’t have one, and reason when he wouldn’t
listen. I thought we had won. The piano lessons were supposed to be a start. Instead, he saw what I saw and got scared.
When he loves, it’s fierce. It’s what made me fall for him in the first place. You see, the more your talent would shine, the angrier he became. You were like me and he desperately wanted you to be like him. You being like me meant he had to fight harder. And deep down, I think he knew it was a losing battle. Keeping me was easy. As much as I wanted a career, I wanted a family more. I don’t consider it me giving in. I call it a win. My family is my prize.
Ellie Jane, your father loves you the best way he knows how. I’m not asking you to come back. As much as I want you here, you’re bigger than this. You are special and the whole world should see what I know you to be.
So, my angel, fly away, soar through the skies. Be you.
Love,
Mom
When I walked out those doors, I wanted my mom. I wanted her to comfort me, to tell me everything was going to be okay. She didn’t. She watched me go, but these words came when I needed them the most. I know now that leaving was easy, but the scariest part is letting go.
Thank you, Mom.