Chapter Twenty-Eight
Ellie
I wanted to be his strength, be what he was for me time and time again—especially with my father—but I couldn’t. He told me to leave and I did. I did what he wanted. But not what he needed. I should have stayed.
Maybe my father was right. Selfish. A selfless person would have fought to stay.
Climbing into the driver’s side, I reach into the glove box and search for the key.
What in the world?
“No! No-no-no-no-no!” I hold a check made out to Lee from my father. “Please God, no!” I drop the paper like it’s on fire, the burn blistering my soul.
Two hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Is that what I’m worth? A quarter of a million dollars? And for what? For him to take care of me? To leave me? To jeopardize my career?
Is this why he was acting funny? I thought something was bothering him, maybe something about his grandmother, but was it guilt?
Glancing up, I see Lee standing there where I left him. I watch him watching his Grans as they work on sedating her. My heart hurts for a man I thought I knew. I glance between him and the check. Maybe I didn’t know him at all. Seeing the broken look on his face I can almost understand. Almost. Putting the key in the ignition, I start the truck and back away. It’s what he wanted. It’s what I’m going to do.
Leave.
Tears blur my vision as I throw stuff into my bag. I want to stay.
Stay!
For him. For us. But he just gave me two hundred and fifty thousand reasons to walk away.
I should have known my dad wouldn’t stay out of my life. I’m angry at him. I’m angry at Lee for making me think he was different and I’m angry at myself for being prepared to throw it all away.
One bag. It’s what my life has been reduced to. Twenty-three years of life and it all fits into one bag. Clothes. I’m nothing but what I wear.
Life experiences. I wasn’t allowed them and when I tried to have some, I was brought back to the start. A “do-over” as my father called it.
Now I’m free to make my own decisions. Free to become the woman I have been searching to be. Being with Lee, receiving that contract? It was my start, my new beginning. But somehow, I wasn’t doing that right either, because my father and two hundred and fifty thousand dollars created a do-over.
Now I’m standing in front of the mirror, bag in hand, ready to leave and never look back. Reaching out, I touch my reflection, looking into my own eyes. Empty and hollow. The smile that was there is gone.
“I hate yooooooooou!” I scream at the person I am. “You are nothing but a coward.” I smack the mirror. “You didn’t fight,” I repeat over and over again.
I want to kick. I want to scream. I want to cry for the girl I was and the woman I wasn’t allowed to become. He did this to me. He stole away everything I was meant to be.
“I didn’t fight.” I fall to the floor, face in hands and I do exactly that. I cry.
I’m not sure how much time passes, but as the final tear runs down my cheek, I realize my sky has been crashing down for a while now and it’s up to me to either fall with it or fly.
I want to soar.
Wiping the tear with the pad of my own thumb, I make a promise of never letting anyone else catch my tears again. A promise I’m willing to make sacrifices for in order to keep.
I was set to leave. I was going to Rain’s to switch out vehicles, but I didn’t. I kept going and headed to the one place I should have gone a long time ago.
I may have had my share of arguments with my father, but I never fought for myself. I never fought for who I am.
I pull into the drive, and after parking the truck, reach into the glove box and pull out the check. The tiny piece of paper that managed to take everything that was good in my life and make it into an illusion.
Gone. Just like that.
Running up to the house, I don’t bother to knock. I barge in just like he did into my life. Unannounced. A surprise attack.
“Get down here you son of a bitch,” I scream, standing in the middle of the foyer, waving the check around. “What? You afraid to come down and face me? Is it easier to hide from this?”
“Eloise.” My father comes up behind me, a tumbler of scotch in hand. “I wasn’t sure if I would see you again.” He comes to stand in front of me, his step never faltering. My father, always confident.
“Why is that, Father? Didn’t you think once you paid him off that I would come running back home?” I throw the check at his feet. “Quarter of a mil? Is that all I’m worth to you?” I laugh. “Nice to know what you think of me.”
“Eloise, why do you have to be so dramatic? Of course you are worth more.” He places his hand on my arm.
“Don’t touch me.” I jerk away.
“I actually shelled out double that to ensure you would come home.” He brings the tumbler up to his chin, finger out, and presses it against his lips, calculating his next words before he takes a pull of the dark liquid.
“What?”
There is no way he gave Lee two checks and Lee actually cashed one, is there? I can’t. I just can’t.
“I just didn’t give your boyfriend enough credit. I thought I had him there, but he fought. Fought so damn hard.” He lets out an evil laugh and drains his glass. “Apparently, he has ‘plans.’” He makes quotation marks with his fingers, shaking his head in amusement. “If he wasn’t so damn supportive of your hobby, I might have actually liked him.” He walks over to the decanter a few feet away and pours himself another drink.
“It’s not a hobby.” I’m at a loss for words, trying to figure out what he meant by double.
“Do you think you can make a living at this? Do you?” He walks over to the check, picks it up and stuffs it in his shirt pocket. “Let’s play out a scenario. Let’s say you stay with this boy, then what? You leave for Nashville together? You expect him to leave his life and his grandmother to come follow you around?” He presses his lips together. “And if he does, are you going to support him? His job requires him to work on location and this ‘plan’ of his will eventually run out of money. Then what? His grandmother needs the care.”
“It doesn’t have to be that way,” I counter. I hate that I’m even having this discussion with him. I came here to rip up that check and never see him again.
“And that,” he points his finger at me, “is why you are selfish.”
Am I?
“How can that be selfish, to want the person you love to be with you?” I take a step forward, then another. “Isn’t that what you did with Mom? You wanted her with you so bad you gave her an ultimatum? Me or the music?” Another step. “That’s right. I know all about it. She
came back to you because she loves you.” I’m close enough I jab him in the chest. “And because she loves me, but don’t think she has no regret, because she does.”
“What is going on in here?” My mother comes around the corner.
“Eloise here thinks she knows it all. Nothing to concern yourself with, Anna.”
My mother, who would normally back my dad up, surprises us both by coming to stand by me. With me. A silent show of support.
“Ellie Jane, what’s going on?”
“Thank you,” I mouth, meaning much more than just those two words. Thank you for the note. Thank you for the words of encouragement. Thank you for the show of support. Even if it’s late, it’s better than never. “Dad paid off my boyfriend, but I’m still trying to figure out why. Paying him off would have sent me on my way to the one place he never wanted me to end up: Nashville.”
“Nate? Is this true?” she demands.
“I had to do it.” His eyes move from mine to hers, pleading. “It was a gamble.”
“I can’t believe you. You are a pathetic excuse for a parent.” I start toward the door. “So, now what? Lee has the money—”
“He won’t cash it,” my father interrupts.
“But you said you paid double that.”
“To Sammy-Jo. She cashed a check,” he confesses, and my mother gasps.
“You did what?”
I can’t believe what I’m hearing. He gave an addict more money
than she has probably ever made in her whole life and sent her on her way.
“I paid his mother to leave,” he says without an ounce of remorse.
“But why? What would that do for you? How would that keep me from leaving?” I look at my mom. “Why would he do that?”
“I don’t know honey. Nate?”
“I saw you. I watched you in the park.” He tilts his head from side to side in irritation. “He loves you. He supports you. I knew with him in the picture you would have made all your dreams a reality.”
“It still doesn’t make sense,” I insist. “Nothing about this does.”
“I’ll make this simple for you. You need your boyfriend. Your boyfriend needs his grandmother. His grandmother needs care. I needed him gone. So, I gave him the resources he needed to choose. Either you or his grandmother.”
“He chose his grandmother,” I say under my breath.
“No, he didn’t choose.” My father rolls his eyes. “Which didn’t surprise me.”
“I’m not following,” my mother says.
“I underestimated his feelings. So I decided to play with his, to save you.” He reaches up and rubs his day-old scruff, the confession obviously hard for him. “I knew Sammy-Jo was the weaker of the two and I knew your boyfriend had deep-seated mommy issues.” He looks away as he comes clean. “I paid his mom to leave. If she left he would see that you all were the same, that you would eventually leave him too. Seeing it would cause him to spiral downward and send you away.”
“What gives you the right to play God?” My mother steps
forward. “You didn’t have the right to play it all those years ago and you don’t have the right now.” She turns away from him and stands by me, taking my hand in hers. “I won’t let you.”
“But every scenario you counted for still put me in Nashville following my dreams. I don’t get it. You dedicated your whole life to making sure that wouldn’t happen.”
I don’t know how to feel, too many emotions are coming forward. Anger. Sadness. Regret. I missed out on so many opportunities growing up because of this.
“Eloise Jane, all your life you just wanted someone to support you, to believe in you. I knew if I took that away, you would fail and come home.” My father’s eyes bulge at his own admission.
“Nate!” my mother shouts.
Tears stream down my face. The man who is supposed to push me toward my dreams and show me that I can do anything fought my whole life to make sure that never happened.
“You’re wrong.” I walk over to him. I take the check out of his pocket, rip it up and throw it on the floor. “I believe in myself and that is all the support I need.”
I stand there, looking at the man who has hurt me. Who knocked me down. Who told me I would be nothing.
I am something.
Leaving, I set out to sing my song the way it was meant to be heard, escaping the gravity that pulled me down. From here on out, I will soar into the light, leaving the darkness behind. I will be weightless.