Chapter 22

Gavin

I made it into my house by eleven fifty-five on the dot, just five minutes to spare. After spending the day at the hospital with Max and dealing with all the drama that came with the illegal cleats and the rugby club in general, I was more than ready to be done with this day.

Once I was inside my place, I rushed to get showered, changed, and in bed. At exactly 12:31 a.m., I dialed Kenna’s number. My plan was to leave her a voicemail. Tell her how Max was—though I was pretty sure she knew already from Addie—then tell her I couldn’t wait until I saw her again.

But that plan didn’t work because she answered on the third ring, voice heavy with sleep.

“Did I wake you?” I switched off the light next to my bed and lay back on my pillow.

“Hmm, yeah, but it’s fine.”

I sighed, imagining her sleepy eyes looking up at me. “Sorry.”

“Everything okay?” Kenna asked, yawning.

“Yeah. Max made it through surgery fine. Lia’s there with him now.” I cleared my throat. “Lot of bullshit politics going on about the leagues after today.”

“How do you mean?”

I ran my fingers through my hair, taking out the rubber band I’d pulled it back with. More than a few times, I’d been made fun of tonight for my hair—even got called Jesus’s twin by some asshole from the Macomb team during an earlier match today.

“The game, the competition. The younger guys doing shit like they did today. There’s talk of other leagues in the Midwest playing by a different set of rules and whatnot, which means people think all normal rules are bullshit now.”

“That sucks,” she said on another yawn.

I shrugged. “It is what it is, you know?”

“I do.”

Silence lingered between us, and at the same time, Cat jumped on the foot of my bed. His purring sounded like a motor, and he rubbed his nose and chin against my head and the hand holding the phone.

“Is that Cat?” she asked. I could hear the smile in her voice.

“Yeah, he’s a needy little shit.” I rubbed the top of his head. My hand dwarfed his face and ears, but he liked it. I was glad I’d decided to keep him. Having him there made me feel less alone.

“Poor guy. I bet he’s missing me.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, the words He’s not the only one right there in my mouth. “Yeah, you can stop by anytime and see him now that you know where my extra key is.”

“You know it’s totally cliché of you to leave it under the doormat,” she huffed.

I rolled onto my side. “I’m a simple cliché man. What can I say?”

She laughed, the easy sound making my cock twitch. Eyes squeezed shut, I thought of anything that would get my mind off sex and Kenna—having sex with Kenna.

Cleaning Cat’s litter box, dirty laundry, dirty diapers… But it wasn’t enough. I missed this woman. The feel of her hands on my body, the smell of her skin when I inhaled. The taste of her lips when I kissed them, and the way her lips parted when I sunk my cock inside her.

Christ, get it together, St. James.

“Can you hold on a sec?” Without waiting for an answer, I dropped my cell on the bed and stood, rubbing my hand over my face with quick passes. I paced the room, even stubbed my toe, but nothing could contain the hardening in my shorts.

Guess I hadn’t realized how tough this would be, talking to her so late at night, listening to her sleepy voice on the other end. So close, yet so far away.

Once I’d inhaled enough breaths to fill a balloon, I got back on the phone. “Sorry.”

“You okay?” Her voice cracked with sleep.

My eyes shut again, imagining her settled in bed, covers up to her chin. I’d slept next to her all night twice before, and both times I’d woken up before her, studying her face, her beautiful lips parted in sleep.

Screw the hard-on. When it came to Kenna, I couldn’t control it. “I’m good now that I’m talking to you again. I’ve missed you, Brewer.”

She snorted. “You flatter me, St. James.”

“Good.” My cheeks hurt from smiling so damn much. I felt like a kid. “You need to be flattered all the time.”

She giggled. “God, I feel like I’m sixteen again: staying up late, talking with boys on the phone, trying not to be heard…”

“Hmm.” I cleared my throat, still grinning.

“Bet you were quite the lady’s man back in the day, huh?” she asked. “The quiet, baseball-playing hottie and all.”

I rubbed my forehead. “Not really. I only had one girlfriend in high school. But I didn’t have a phone to talk to her with.”

It was the summer after my junior year when I met Lacey—six months after my foster brother killed himself. Regardless of what I’d been through, I was still a decent enough kid. Smart. Studied, kept my grades high, never got in trouble.

Lacey became my world—the only person in my life who seemed to give two shits about me. Her father was a minister who treated me like a son, and her mother, a homemaker, had been the same. I’d struck gold when it came to that girl. To this day, I had no idea what she’d seen in me back then. Had no idea why she fell in love with a bum foster kid who barely spoke.

Still, we spent a year together. Then she left to go to college in New York, and me to the University of Illinois. Neither of us looked back.

“You mean to tell me you’re twenty-seven years old and—”

“I just turned twenty-eight last month.”

She gasped. “I missed your birthday?”

“I don’t celebrate it. It’s no big deal. Collin and Max didn’t even know.”

“Gavin.”

“Again. Not a big deal.” I rolled over to my other side and threw an arm over my eyes.

“It is a big deal. And we are going to celebrate it by staying up on the phone together all night. Complete the rite of passage you never got to experience in high school. If we fall asleep, then we still can’t hang up, so like, make sure you don’t roll over onto your phone and accidentally mess this up, okay?”

My lips twitched. I loved it when she rambled.

“We’re going to talk about all the good things you’ve experienced in your twenty-eight years of life this time, and I’m going to give you what you never had as a teenage boy.”

“Oh yeah?” She left herself wide open with that one.

“Oh yeah. And if you’re really good…” Her voice lowered. The husky sound was filled with promises and secrets. “We can maybe check off another thing you probably haven’t done before.”

“What’s that?” I dropped my arm and sat up a little, leaning back against the wall, shoulders rigid, gut tight, cock so hard I couldn’t control it if I tried.

She was quiet, but I could hear her breathing, almost as though she was shifting in the bed. If I listened hard enough, maybe I could hear her legs sliding against her sheets. In my mind, she’d inhale heavily, her moans soft as her hand crept up underneath her shirt. She’d stroke her breasts until her panties were wet, then she’d reach between her thighs, slide a finger under the seam…

My cock twitched, growing even harder, reminding me how alone I was, how much I wanted this woman too.

“Gavin?”

“Hmm?” I shut my eyes, freezing like I’d been caught, but imagining her eyes on me at the same time.

“Let’s play a game,” she said.

“What kind of game?” I yanked my hand through my hair and sighed.

“How about Never Have I Ever?”

“Not sure I’ve ever played that one before.”

“Really? Not even in high school or college?”

“Nope.”

She sighed. “Oh. That’s sad.”

“Not to me. I preferred it that way. Hated talking to people. Still do.”

“But you talk to me.”

I grinned. “You’re easy to talk to.”

“Aww, Gav…”

My heart twisted when she used my nickname like that. Whether she knew it or not, this woman had me so wrapped around her finger it wasn’t even funny.

She cleared her throat. “I’ll go first.”

“You going to tell me how to play, or should I just pretend to know what the hell I’m doing?”

“It’s pretty easy. Just follow my lead. I’ll say never have I ever and you say yes, I have or no, I haven’t. Then we’ll switch.”

I shifted around, annoying Cat. He mewed low, then ran from the room. “Sounds good.”

“Okay, I’ll go first. Never have I ever been on a blind date.”

“Me neither.”

“Now your turn.”

I scratched at my beard. “Feels like there should be some sort of compensation that goes along with this game. A win-lose scenario.” I sat up in bed and kicked the covers off, restless.

“There is compensation. We get to know each other better.”

I laughed. “I was thinking we know each other pretty well already, don’t you?”

And in more ways than just sex. I knew she talked a lot. I knew she loved to have fun and hang out with our friends. She liked her job when she was working at her job, but off the job, she hated it. She had crappy parents, an equally crappy childhood as mine, but came out on top as a survivor and strong. Did I know her favorite color? Her favorite food? No. Those things would come later. All that mattered was that I knew the important stuff. The stuff that counted.

“Oh. Well, do you not want to do it?”

“No, I do. But, like I said, we should make this interesting.” I cleared my throat. “You have FaceTime on your phone?”

“I do.”

I grinned. “FaceTime me, then.”

“On it,” she said, only for the line to go dead a second later.

I fought a smile when my phone began to ring again. Just the thought of seeing her had my heart racing.

“Hey.” She waved.

“Hi.” I studied her face, the light on her phone highlighting it. Pale cheeks and blue eyes, that wide, addicting smile, a white T-shirt hanging off one shoulder… God, I’d be a lucky bastard if I could get her to agree to be mine.

“So, it’s your turn.” She pointed at the screen.

“Fine.” I twisted my free hand into the sheets. “Never have I ever been skydiving.”

“I have.”

“No shit?” I grinned and rested the phone on my stomach, holding it at the base.

She nodded. “Yep. Spring break in college. Me, Addie, and a couple of girls went down to Jamaica. It was scary as hell, and I’d never do it again. But it was a bucket-list thing. Plus, it pissed my mom off when she saw I’d charged her credit card to do it.”

“Jesus, you’re trouble.”

She winked. “I’m surprised you never did anything like that in the marines. Like, jump from a helicopter.”

“That’s not skydiving; it’s called fast roping. We didn’t wear parachutes, and we climbed down ropes. It wasn’t fun.” My stomach dropped as one of those memories came barreling back at me. A dust storm. Enemy fire coming from all directions. Blindly making my way to safety and not having a goddamn clue where anyone was…

It was a fucked-up time, something I didn’t wanna think about, though I knew I’d never forget it either.

Movement caught my eye. Her phone shifted. I could see her adjusting, but I couldn’t see her face. Seconds later, she popped up into the view, her head buried under her blanket.

“What’re you doing?” I laughed, thankful for the distraction.

“I’m cold. Hanna likes the temperature to stay around sixty-seven during the nights when she actually sleeps, and I feel like I’m living in an igloo.” She scrunched her nose up like a rabbit.

“I’d like to meet her.”

Kenna grinned brightly. “She said the same thing about you today.”

A few seconds later, I asked the stupidest question I could. Not thinking, just…going with my gut. “How’s the baby…? Everything still good?”

She lost her smile but nodded, her eyes sad. “Yes. Everything is good.”

Still, she wasn’t hanging up on me. That had to be a good sign. “And you’re feeling okay? Sick at all anymore?”

“A little.” She shrugged, and a strand of her hair fell over her forehead. She blew it away, but it came back down over her eye again. “I’m also exhausted all the time.”

I wanted to know everything about this pregnancy, yeah, but at the same time, even though I had adjusted to the idea of fatherhood, I knew Kenna wasn’t there yet. Which is why I said what I did. “I’m here whenever you want to talk about it.” I bit the inside of my cheek, nervous.

She smiled. “Thank you.”

“For?”

“Not pushing me yet. I just… I’m scared.”

“Me too.” I ran my fingers through my hair, frustrated with my inability to comfort her.

“What are you scared of the most?” she asked, chewing on her thumbnail.

That was a loaded question. “I’ve got nothing to offer a kid except a little bit of money and a roof over its head. No family, just our friends—people who I have no doubt would be there for us if we needed them. I worry I’m not enough, even though I want to be.”

She sighed. “It’s not about what you have to offer, right? It’s about what you want.”

“What do you want?” I asked, hoping I wasn’t pushing too hard.

“Well, I can tell you what I don’t want.” She thought for a second, her eyes narrowing slightly. “I don’t want to be a messed-up mom like mine was. And I sure as hell don’t want to abandon a child when things get tough.”

“How do you know you’d be that kind of parent?”

“Because it’s in my blood to screw things up.” She sighed. “To walk away. To push stuff away. To not care…”

“Not true.” I shook my head. “Did you walk away from Addie when she needed you?”

“No, but I walked away from my sister. Plus, my mom sent Hanna here so she didn’t have to deal with her issues. I had no idea she was going through the hell she was, Gavin.” She told me about Hanna’s ex, about what had happened. To think a guy could ever be like that with a woman fucking disgusted me.

“Did your sister call you? Keep in touch with you?”

Her shoulders dropped. “No, not exactly, but I don’t think she was in the right frame of mind to call me. All I’m saying is I could’ve done better.”

“I get that. But you’re not her mother.”

“I would be to this child…” She paused. “My own mother didn’t have a clue what was going on with Hanna. What if we have a daughter and the same thing happens, and I miss the signs, then can’t deal with them in the end?”

“Fuck your mom, Kenna. You are not her. At all.” I grumbled, angry that we even had to have this conversation. McKenna did not give herself enough credit. “And you seem to be missing the fact that I’m not your dad either. We are two different people who have learned from the mistakes of others.”

“But what about you?” she continued, not really listening to me. “I walked away from you after our night together in your river house. I run. I don’t follow through with things. I make stupid, impulsive decisions that will no doubt affect everyone I care about in my life. And that includes you and this baby.”

“For one, you had a damn good reason for running.” If anything, I think we both needed the space apart to work through this. “I wasn’t exactly running in to save the day either, was I?”

She cringed and looked down at the bed. I wished I were there, holding her face between my hands. But this would have to be enough for now.

“Look where we are though,” I said.

She bit her bottom lip. “I’ve been dicked over so many times in my life. Not just by my family, but by men in general.” She laughed humorlessly but was losing the excuses. “I’ve got a shoebox to prove it, actually.”

“Let me show you what it’s like to not to be dicked over then.” I touched the phone screen and trailed my finger down over her face. She looked up, as if knowing what I was doing. “Let me show you what it’s like to be loved.”

Tears dripped down her cheek, but her eyes widened. “Loved?”

I nodded, not ready to admit something I wasn’t even sure I could do. But ready to try, at least.

“I don’t know…”

“Don’t make a decision yet.” My throat burned when I swallowed. “Let’s just be together. See where it goes.”

“Like…a relationship?”

“Yeah.” I grinned at the idea of being able to take her out, kiss her, hold her hand. I may not have had a lot of experience when it came to women, but I knew I’d be a damn good scholar.

“But the baby, Gavin. I don’t know if I even want it.”

“What if we pretend you’re not pregnant?”

She snorted. “Yeah. Not gonna happen.”

“Fine. So how do we do this? You tell me.”

She wiped at her face and sniffed. “I-I don’t know.”

“We could pick up where we left off,” I suggested. “How does that sound?”

Her nose scrunched up. I loved it when she did that. “Is it really that easy, do you think?”

I nodded fast, not a doubt in my mind. “Yeah. I think it is.”