---

It’s fitting that it would snow today. My shoulders shudder as I watch the men dig the hole that my father will be laid in tomorrow. The ground’s hard and stubborn. Like my father, in a way.

The frigid air isn’t doing shit to help me keep my composure. I have to sniff and shove my hands in my pockets as I kick the ground.

All day, all I could think is that it was James who somehow found a way to kill my pops. Mason’s the only reason I didn’t go back into his office and kill him. Even if he wasn’t there, there’s not a place he could run.

I’m paranoid. I’m desperate. I’m fucking lonely.

I want my wife. I need her. And a weak man would go to her. And make her a target.

The snow crunches on my right and I turn toward the small parking lot. Mason’s early. I didn’t even hear him come up behind me.

“Thanks for coming, man,” I tell him and take his outstretched hand.

“I’m so sorry,” Mason tells me as takes a look behind me at the gravesite. He found Kat downstairs and he’s the one who told me.

Every piece of me is begging to go to her. She can make me feel better–not right, but better.

“Anything suspicious?” I ask Mason as I turn from the two men digging the hole. I’m desperate for someone to blame this on. It’s hard to even think it’s real, let alone just an accident. I’ll fucking lose it if he says yes, but that’s what I’m praying for. I’m already on edge. The anger is so much easier to handle than the despair. If this was because of me, I’ll never forgive myself. My heart clenches as Mason stares back at me.

“It was natural causes,” he says with more sorrow than I anticipated. I have to turn from him and face the nearly empty parking lot as the wind whips in my face.

I bite back the need to cry and simply nod my head.

Just a blood clot. Just bad luck. There’s no one to blame or kill.

And that’s what hurts the most.

“I’m really sorry,” Mason says behind me. He gives me the space I need and I’m grateful for it.

“Your girl,” Mason starts and then clears his throat. “You’ve got to do something for her.” His voice is weak, like he’s begging me.

“You’re the one who said I can’t,” I tell him as I face him. He told me not to. To not even think about texting her back. James is tracking my phone, just like we’re tracking his.

“When I asked about her being followed, and you said it wasn’t your guy,” I remind him.

“This is different,” Mason tells me like it wasn’t a big deal that someone could’ve been watching her.

“She’s not doing too well,” he tells me and my eyes dart to his. My blood turns to ice as I wait for him to spit it out. Not her. I swallow thickly.

“She said ‘everyone in her life dies,’ she said that this morning,” Mason tells me with a deep crease in his forehead. “She needs someone.”

“You’re the one who said she has to believe it too. That we’re over with.”

“I know, I know,” Mason concedes.

“So which is it?” I practically yell.

“I’m sorry, I just … it’s rough seeing her like this.” I want to rip my fucking hair out. I can’t stand it. This is fucking torture.

“My mistake, man, I’m sorry. Jules is there. She’s not going to leave her. Just … just wait a little longer.”

“How much longer?” I ask him, feeling torn and frustrated and like I can’t win either way. Defeated. I feel so damn defeated.

“We don’t have shit. Lapour’s record is clean and there’s no evidence of anything. We’ll have to plant it. Including messing with his emails and credit card data.”

“How long?” I ask him, not bothering to hide the irritation in my voice.

“Only days.”

Days … I can wait days. It’s only a few days and then everything will be right again and I’ll make it better. I nod, pacing in a short circle. Just days.

“I’m afraid after what happened in his office,” I tell Mason. “The way he asked about her. Like he was planning some shit.”

“She’s safe. I have her locked away with Jules and she doesn’t even know it.”

“Locked away?” I question, stopping in my tracks.

“No one’s getting into that house. And Jules knows not to take her out. If Kat wants to go somewhere,” Mason snaps his finger, “there’s a security detail on her the second the door is opened.”

“So she’s safe?” I ask him. Knowing she’s alright makes not being with her a little easier to swallow. She’s protected, and that’s all that matters. I can’t lose her too.

“She’s safe and not a target,” Mason answers me.

“I don’t know. Not after the other night. You sure she’s not on his radar?”

“We’re tracking his emails and calls and her name hasn’t been mentioned. Yours is though.”

I snort at the idea of James planning some hit on me. “And what’s he saying?”

“Wants eyes on you. Wants to know what you’re doing and who you’re seeing.”

My heart sinks at the thought. “Who I’m seeing,” I echo, feeling crushed. It’s like he wants me to have to stay away from her.

“Yeah,” Mason answers with a defeated tone.

“That’s what I needed to hear, and I won’t risk it. I can’t.” My resolve hardens, but it sends a shooting pain down my chest. I twist the wedding ring on my finger and look back to the grave.

“Call her at least?” Mason suggests as I watch the men shoveling piles of dirt. “Not with your phone. From someone else’s.” I barely register Mason’s words.

“If I see her or talk to her,” my words come out as numb as my body feels, “I don’t know how I’ll walk away again.”

“It’s a tough call,” Mason says faintly.

“She’s not at risk now?” I ask him again. It’s fucked up, but part of me wants her to already be in the line of fire. Just so I can go to her. To hold her, and take back everything. And I hate myself for even thinking that for a second. I’m weak. I need to be stronger for her.

---

Diary Entry 1

---

Dear Pops,

---

I’ve seen Kat do this a few times.

Writing a letter to talk to her parents. It’s how I knew back then that she wasn’t doing too well. I’d give her extra love and keep a closer eye on her whenever she took out that journal. I’m not doing too well now and I need you. Thought I’d give this a try; I don’t have anything else.

I miss you already.

If you’re with Ma, tell her I miss her too. That I love her and wish you two were here.

God, I do. I need you two.

I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better son.

I’m so damn sorry that the last conversation we had was about how disappointed you were in me. I promise I’m trying to do what’s right. It’s so hard to know though.

It’s too many lies to know what the truth is. Too many secrets to hold on to what’s real.

I’m just afraid of losing everything. It’s like it’s all crumbling around me and I can’t stop it.

I’m so damn alone, and it’s my fault. I’m terrified to be close to anyone right now.

I need you to do me a favor. You gotta look out for Kat.

She misses you too and she’s not okay.

She used to say that when she’d write, her parents would come in some way. She said she knew they were watching. She knew they heard. I hope you can hear me now.

Can you go to her? Please?

Give her a sign that you’re there and that you love her.

I’m trying, Pops, but it’s so hard to know if I’m doing the right thing.

If I lose her too, it’s over for me. There’s nothing left.

So please, don’t watch over me. Stay with her.

I love you forever.