“I thought we were just going to order out,” Evan says from across the table. The silverware clinks in his hand as he picks up the white cloth napkin and lays it over his lap.

The Savinga Grill has always been one of my favorite restaurants since I first discovered it years ago. Exposed dark red brick, raw wood beams and high ceilings. It’s rustic, it’s cozy, and it’s only a cab away.

That’s what I told Evan to get him here when he asked where I wanted to go. Just a cab away.

I shrug and say, “I just wanted to go out.”

“It makes me nervous,” he says.

I lay my hand on the table, palm up and wait for him to take it. “Mason said you need to be seen.”

“Me, not us.” He emphasizes the word us.

“It’s part of us moving forward together.” The smile on my lips is small but it’s still there. “I won’t let someone keep me from you or us from our lives.”

His lips twitch with a response, but instead he doesn’t say anything.

“We tried this your way, now we try it mine,” I tell him and my words come out hard.

“And your way is to go out in public?” he asks me.

“I want us out, yes.” My answer is blunt as I pull my own napkin across my lap. “I’m not going to hide away in some hotel and let my fear cripple me.” My voice is stern but also sympathetic. “If someone wants to know if we’re together, let them know.” He woke up last night with sweat pouring down his face. He was screaming in his sleep. I refuse to play this psychological game. I’m going to be there for my husband. I’m going to do everything I can to make him better. And that means not hiding and not being scared. I’ll be strong for him.

“I won’t let a single person keep us from moving on with our lives. And that means being together and going to my favorite restaurant to celebrate.”

I flash him a smile as the waiter walks over to us. Like this conversation doesn’t put me on edge.

It’s quiet while the water is being poured and stays that way with the exception of the waiter telling us the specials and handing us the menus.

It’s only when he leaves us that I continue what I was saying.

“Yes, I want us to be seen. I also want to celebrate being pregnant. I want to buy a new house, a bigger one closer to the park.” I pick up the water, resting my elbow on the table as I talk while reading the menu, even though I already know what I want. “I want to slow down with work and I want the world to know it all. And if they don’t care, don’t like it or want to stop us,” I lean forward and whisper, “then fuck them.”

He only responds with a tight smile.

“I’m not going to let this change us and who we are.”

“I don’t want you to be in danger,” he answers me.

“Too late, baby,” I say and my smile falters.

“I feel really uncomfortable being here,” he tells me and it upsets me. He needs to move on.

“And I feel like you’re perpetuating your fears by hiding away and only focusing on them. Not just focusing, but allowing them to dictate everything,” I tell him and my voice cracks. I have to take a sip of water to calm myself down. “I hate what you allowed to happen simply because you were afraid of an outcome that may or may not ever be a possibility.”

“You don’t understand,” he tells me with a frustrated sigh and it pisses me off.

“It felt like you’d died,” I admit to him. “So I think I do.” I take another drink of water and then ask, “What if the cops stop looking? What if James gets away with it? What then?”

He doesn’t answer, although I can see his will to fight me has left.

“I just want us back,” I admit to him. “That’s really what it comes down to.”

This time it’s him who puts his hand on the table and I’m more than happy to reach for him.

He kisses my knuckles and then my wrist. “I’m sorry,” he says again. He keeps telling me that he’s sorry.

“I know you are, but what am I?” I give him a joking response to lighten the mood and it works somewhat.

As Evan’s lips pull into a smile and he relaxes his posture, he takes my hand in his.

“You know I miss this side of you?” he tells me.

“What side?”

“The playful side,” he says and squeezes my hand … kind of like how my heart squeezes.

“Can I tell you a secret?” I ask him as the waiter walks up to us. “I miss it too.”

“Are you two ready to order?” the waiter asks, looking between both of us and clasping his hands in front of him.

“You first,” Evan says and gestures at me.

“The lasagna please, with a house salad.” I almost order a glass of cabernet but then I stop myself. Every time I remember we’re having a baby it’s a gift in itself.

“And I’ll have the same,” Evan says and it surprises me.

“You never have lasagna.”

He shrugs and says, “I guess I just wanted to try it your way.”

“We have the doctor’s appointment coming up and since you’re no longer working, I assume you’re coming with?” I ask him as the waiter leaves us.

“Of course,” Evan says and then he leans forward. “You know you look beautiful, right?”

He’s so cheesy but I can’t help the smile and blush. “Stop,” I brush him off.

“Never,” he says playfully.

That warm cheery feeling in my chest slowly drifts away as I remember my own little secret. Not so little really.

“I have something to tell you,” I spit the words out at the risk of upsetting Evan. “I did something that I don’t think you’re going to like.”

“What’s that?” he asks easily although I notice his shoulders stiffen.

“I was curious about something and I think it’s something only I would know how to ask appropriately … ”

I don’t know how to word this and I find myself staring at the ice in the glass of water.

“You can tell me,” Evan says as if it’s no big deal. “Whatever it is.”

“I went to see Samantha yesterday. At her place on Fifth Avenue,” I tell him, confessing before I can stop myself. The air instantly changes as Evan doesn’t respond. He seems uncomfortable, if anything.

“I had to know for myself.”

“What did you have to know?” he asks me, shifting in his seat. He leans forward like he’s going to scold me and I can already hear it. Danger this and that. Harm’s way, etcetera, etcetera.

“I had to know if she was your type. What she was like. So I know how to react when her name comes up.”

Evan runs his hand down the back of his head as he looks away from me. As if it’s stupid of me. “You don’t understand-” I start to explain but he cuts me off.

“There’s no one else for me, Kat,” he tells me bluntly, his hands hitting the table and rattling the small plates. The couple a table down from us glances in our direction and Evan calms down.

“I knew you would be upset-” I start to say and again he cuts me off.

“But you did it anyway.”

I nod my head once. “I did. And it’s over.”

The tension between us thins a bit as I look him in the eyes and say, “It’s over. There’s nothing there and I’m fine now.”

“You’re fine?” he asks me.

“Yeah,” I tell him and I am. “There’s no way she’s your type.”

My response gets a short laugh from Evan. A genuine smile even. “You know you’re crazy?” he asks me.

“I do. And you made me this way.”

“Fair enough,” he says but then his expression gets serious.

“I know, don’t do it again,” I say before he can tell me.

“I’m serious,” he says and I nod.

I look toward the front of the restaurant, to the right of Evan as another couple walks in. “I was surprised that Samantha does drugs.” I say absently. More to gossip than anything else. Well, maybe to throw her under the bus a little. I can admit that I’m not a big enough woman not to.

“What?” Evan asks.

“There was coke on her kitchen table.” He looks back at me with an expression that’s not quite disbelief, but something else.

“Coke?” he asks me. “Sam doesn’t do drugs.”

I ignore the fact that he called her Sam and nod my head once while I add, “And a bag of pills. She had a variety pack, Adderall and a mix of things. It was like a grab bag. I never would have guessed she does drugs,” I tell him and wait for him to say something.

“Speed?” he asks me again although it’s not quite spoken like a question.

“I didn’t say speed,” I tell him.

“Adderall is speed,” he tells me with a concerned expression.

“Oh I didn’t know. And I’m just guessing it’s Adderall.” I’m not exactly the best at drug identification. I swallow thickly, wishing I’d just kept my mouth shut and saved the gossip for the girls.

I watch as his forehead pinches. But there’s something else in his expression that catches me off guard. It’s hard and unforgiving. Even his hands clench into fists on top of the table. I glance at them and then his eyes, but movement behind him at the front of the restaurant catches my attention.

“Is that Suzette?” I ask Evan as I think I spot her walk in. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier for a change in conversation. It’s definitely her. I’d know that bob anywhere. She walks slowly as she digs in her purse, looking for something at the front of the restaurant.

I’m pushing my chair out from the table when my mouth drops open at the sight of a man coming up from behind her.

He’s much taller than her and in her heels, Sue is already taller than me. I don’t recognize him; he’s facing away from me. But in a black suit he stalks up behind her, letting his hand stray to her waist and pulling her close to him.

“Who is that?” I say beneath my breath but when I look to Evan and try to get his attention, he’s busy on his phone.

“Babe,” I not so quietly try to get his attention. It’s not every day you see one of your good friends being felt up by someone you don’t know.

I have to turn my head when I look back up to keep my eyes on them and try to follow them down the hall. But they’re gone before I even get the chance to stand.

I swear it was her and I go to reach for my phone, but glancing at Evan stops me mid-reach.

“What’s wrong?” I ask him as he stares at his phone.

“We have to go,” he says.

“We just got here,” I object, but that doesn’t stop him from standing up abruptly as the waiter returns to our table.

“I’m so sorry, we have to go,” Evan tells the waiter. “Please cancel the order.”

“Are you serious?” I ask him as the couple from before looks at us again.

“I’m sorry, but something just came up,” he tells me and there’s a look in his eyes that’s begging me not to push him. “Please, Kat,” he says to me. “Please, we need to leave.”