It’s the heavy pit in your stomach. It rocks back and forth, making you queasy and your body can’t sit still. That’s what it feels like when you know you’re about to hurt someone.

At least that’s how it feels right now.

I don’t need anyone at all. And I don’t want anyone either. Maybe I’m proving it to myself, or maybe to Evan. I don’t care which.

My pulse quickens and I try to swallow the spiked ball in my throat when I hear the bell at the front of the café.

Jacob smiles so sweetly, with genuine happiness and he strolls over to the table, letting his jacket slip off his shoulders. I’m going to miss this. The comfort his presence brings.

“One more nice day before winter comes in,” he says easily.

“Got that for you,” I say, nodding my head to the ceramic mug on the table. I have to force the smile to stay on my face, but it doesn’t fool Jacob.

“What’s wrong?” he asks me, not touching the mug.

I hate that I get choked up. It’s stupid really.

It was just friends, then just a kiss.

But it never should have been anything.

I shake my head slightly, and pick up the mug. Jake’s face falls, but he still tries to cheer me up.

“So I never got your answer about the movies tomorrow night,” he says with a kind smile. “I heard it’s going to be good.”

My mug clinks on the small plate as he adds, “I love coffee shops and all, but it’d be nice to do something more.”

More.

It would be. I can see it. I can feel it. If my heart didn’t belong to someone else, I could see Jacob being so much more.

“I have to tell you something.” I let the words out before I change my mind and swallow them. Before I give in to getting over Evan by getting under another man.

Jacob visibly winces and then scratches the side of his neck as he looks to the right. “That doesn’t sound so good.”

“I kind of lied to you,” I tell him, feeling a vise grip around my heart.

“You’re not separated?” he assumes.

“No, we are. But I don’t want to be,” I blurt out.

“You still love him. I know you do.” I nod at his words.

“There’s more,” I say and hesitate.

“Just tell me,” he says, moving his hand to mine and I stare down at where his skin touches mine. It’s gentle, kind. It’s the comfort I desperately need. But I can’t be expected to always have someone to lean on. I want to stand on my own.

“I’m pregnant,” I tell him and the only reaction I get is that his brow raises just slightly. It’s comical really, and the small movement makes me smile slightly.

“That, I didn’t see coming,” he says, keeping a small bit of humor in his voice. He slowly pulls his hand away, but keeps it on the tabletop. I notice the absence instantly though.

“Not far along?”

I shake my head no at his question. “How long have you known?” he asks me and it makes my heart drop.

“A while,” I answer.

“So that’s the lie?”

“Yeah,” I answer. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he tells me as if it’s no big deal.

“I knew better, it was just … ” I trail off and swallow my words, staring at a stain on the table. One that will never go away.

“It was nice being okay with someone?” he asks me and I chance a peek up into his eyes. There’s nothing but understanding there.

“Yeah,” I answer him and chew on my bottom lip. “I just wanted to pretend to be okay for a little bit.”

“Well it’s not pretend,” he tells me and adjusts in his seat. “You can be okay if you want to.” It’s hard to hold his gaze as he brings his hand back to mine.

“Does he know?” he asks me and I can only nod.

“And he … ?” he starts to ask, but doesn’t finish the obvious question.

“Says he’s happy but he’s still not with me. He’s not committing and carrying on like he was. I want him, but I need him with me and he’s not … ” I’m ashamed of the answer.

It’s quiet for a short moment.

“So … do you want to go to the movies?” Jacob asks and then picks up his mug. “I’d still like to go if you would,” he says.

My heart does this little flutter, a quick flicker of warmth that lets me know it’s still there. It’s in gratitude and I think that’s all I could give anyone else. It’s all I’m willing to do.

I shake my head no and give him a sad smile.

“Well, I had to ask. ‘Cause I think it would have been good,” he tells me, forcing a smile and then covering his disappointment by taking a large sip of the chai.

“You going to be okay?” he asks me.

I shrug, honestly unsure of whether or not I’ll ever be okay. “Some people are meant to be alone.” Or waiting on a love that may never come back.

“You sound like me,” he says and takes a deep, heavy breath. “Gets tiresome though.”

“A story for another time perhaps?”

“I think it’s the same story mostly, with only one big difference.”

“What’s that?” I ask.

“I think Evan may love you back, just like you love him. Whether or not he deserves it … well that’s a matter of opinion, I guess.” I can’t respond and instead I let my gaze wander back to the stain. “It wasn’t the same for me. It was only one-sided.”

“I’m so sorry, Jake.” It’s all I can tell him and I genuinely am.

“Don’t be,” he says easily. “Fate puts people in our life for a reason.” He takes a steadying breath before saying, “And now I know it’s possible.”

“What’s possible?” For a moment I worry that he thinks the two of us being together is still an option, when it’s not at all for me.

“Not this like you and me,” he says, hearing my unspoken thought. “Trust me, I wish it were. But I meant … just that there could be someone else for me.”

“You could always write the story. Although I doubt you’d want me to be your agent, huh?”

“No agent,” he says with the same sad smile on his face that I’ve been giving him.

“Maybe we could still be friends?” I offer.

“I don’t think that’s for the best, Kat. I can’t just be friends with you.”

My hair tickles my shoulders as I nod and reach for my coat to leave. My movements are sluggish; I don’t want this to be the last goodbye. But it is. And I know it. I barely touched my drink and didn’t have anything to eat, but that’s okay. I knew I wouldn’t anyway.

“How about this,” Jacob offers as I pull my wool coat tight around my shoulders. “You call me. If you’re ever not okay and want more. But I won’t call you or text you again. It’s in your hands.”

“I’m sorry, Jake.” I say the words, but they don’t even make a dent in expressing what I feel.

“Stop being sorry. Do that one thing for me, will you?” he asks and I merely nod and say my goodbye.

Every step back to my townhouse, I wanted to go back.

Every breath, I wished I could tell him that what he did for me, I could never repay and I’ll be forever thankful for that.

But neither of those things happened. I walked back to my townhouse alone and the first thing I did when I got home was to delete his emails and his number.

I didn’t want to have the option to run back to him.

Jacob is a good man. But he’s not for me. I don’t need someone else to love me. I need to learn to love being alone again. That’s what I need, ‘cause then I’m forced to love myself.

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Diary Entry 5

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Dear Mom,

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It’s not so bad being alone.

I remember thinking that same thought a while after you guys left me. I know it’s not your fault.

I just can’t stand to think of needing someone. Not when it hurts so freaking bad when they leave you. Did you see what Evan did? I gave him that power. And that’s my fault. I won’t do it again.

I should have known better.

If you could just remind me, maybe? The next time he comes around and says he wants me and that he loves me, can you give me a sign? Something that will remind me that he’s just going to hurt me.

People don’t change and some people are meant to be alone.

I promise I’ll be okay from now on, Mom.

I just forgot that I’m one of those people. But I remember now. I won’t forget again.