Winter happened overnight. And it’s a bitter one at that.

My hands are still freezing as I stare at the fire in Jules’ great room. It’s been painted and decorated since I was here only a week or so ago. Jules didn’t waste any time making the space feel cozy and warm. The soft gray walls complement the cream furniture and stone fireplace perfectly.

“I love the color,” I tell her in an attempt to cheer myself up and break the awkwardness in the room. Usually when we get together it’s nothing but laughter.

“It’s called Mineral Ice,” Jules says agreeably from her spot on the chenille rug. Her glass of wine hasn’t moved from the coffee table since I’ve walked in. Come to think of it, neither Maddie or Sue are drinking either.

The only one who seems normal is Maddie, and it’s because she’s lost her mind. I only just texted them days ago with the news that I’m pregnant and she’s taken it upon herself to start planning every detail of the next nine months for me. I love her and the distraction, but there’s no way I can even think about a baby shower right now.

“I think the grays and yellows will be perfect for a neutral theme,” Maddie says. “We could do bees or elephants and it will all match this room perfectly.”

Maddie has a few bags on the floor next to her. Each from different party shops with samples of all sorts of baby shower accessories and décor. She said it was a “few” things to look at in the group message.

I’d started a group message to vent to them about what had happened. Within two hours both Sue and Jules were at my side, pulling me together. It was Maddie’s idea to meet up today and thank God they dragged me here. I’d rather be looking at tiny yellow clothespins and paper samples for invitations than hysterically crying on the floor in my bedroom. So I suppose this is a win.

“Thank you for offering to host it, Jules,” I tell her, giving her a warm smile and feeling so damn ungrateful. All of this is so out of place with how I feel.

I’m just not happy, and I can’t fake it. There’s a hole in my chest and it feels like there’s no way it could ever heal.

The father of my baby left me. Not just left me, but left me again, talking like a crazy person. He’s lost it. That’s what it really is.

I thought we were whole again last night; I felt it. Everything in me felt the love between us. And yet, this morning he walked away.

“Okay, so menu … ” Maddie says, leaning over the laptop that’s on the glass coffee table and clicking the keys.

“Isn’t it a little early to start planning all this?” I ask them. “I can’t be more than two months along at most.”

Maddie stops whatever she’s doing and looks up at me. “I just thought maybe it would be a way to cheer you up a bit?” she offers before sitting down on her butt, right next to Jules. They’re closer to the fire sitting on the rug, but I’d rather be on the sofa.

“I don’t think there’s anything that’s going to do that,” I tell them woefully. My hand drifts to my midsection, but there’s not even a tiny bump. There’s no way I’d know I was pregnant if I wasn’t peeing on a stick every other day to prove that it’s real.

“Do you … want to … ” Maddie struggles to suggest something else.

“Do you want to talk about what’s going on?” Sue asks finally.

“I’m feeling so fucked up that I’m actually considering starting to write letters again,” I confess to them and remember how I used to write to my mother when she died. It was what my therapist had suggested. “That’s how low I feel,” I tell them, emphasizing each word.

“You can tell us, you know?” Sue offers.

“I’ll probably cry,” I tell her with a sad smile and huff a sarcastic laugh. “I just wish someone could explain it. I feel crazy.”

“Okay, so let’s have the complete update,” Jules says and squares her shoulders to give me her full attention.

“It’s over.” The words come out easier than I thought they would. Maybe I’m just numb to them, I don’t know.

“For real?” Maddie asks me.

“Yeah, I’m not,” I pause and shake my head and close my eyes. “I’m not doing this back and forth. I know where I want my life to go, I know what I need to do and Evan just isn’t there.”

“Did you tell him you’re pregnant?” Sue asks me cautiously.

“Yeah,” I tell them and swallow the pain that threatens me. “I told him and he was so happy.” I have to put my hand up to my mouth to keep from getting emotional again.

“I think it’s okay if you cry,” Sue says. “You’re going through so much and you can always blame it on hormones.”

A soft, but genuine laugh sneaks in, shutting down the overwhelming heartache.

“I told him, and he still chose to leave.”

“Why?”

“He didn’t say,” I tell them and then correct myself. “No wait, he did. He said,” I try to quote him although I’m not sure if it’s exact, “’I have to fix something I can’t outrun, but it’s only for a short while.’”

“What the fuck does that mean?” Maddie asks with her face scrunched up.

“I don’t know!” I raise my voice in exasperation and that’s exactly how I feel.

“Maybe he’s worried about the stress from everything he’s going through getting to you?” Sue offers and I stare daggers at her.

“As if leaving me is any better?” I practically snap at her.

Her hands fly into the air defensively as she says, “I take it back. He’s such an asshole.”

“He’s not an asshole,” I tell her but my words lose conviction as they come out.

“Here’s your tea, sweetheart,” Jules says and sits next to me on the plush sofa. The seat sinks in slowly, dipping as she gets comfortable beside me.

“I’m still so happy you’re pregnant,” Maddie says and reaches for my hand, squeezing it gently. “You’re going to be the best mom,” she says with such certainty even though she looks so sad.

“Do you want someone to come to the doctor’s appointment with you?” Sue asks, but I shake my head.

“I’ll be fine,” I answer her.

“It’s not about being fine, love,” Sue says. “I could take pictures or something.”

“Of her hooha?” Maddie jokes and Sue rolls her eyes.

“Just to have someone there,” Sue suggests.

“I would love to go,” Jules says.

“I just had one yesterday, so maybe next time.” I feel like a liar using the appointment as an excuse.

“But you missed that one,” Jules pipes up and reminds me of the truth. “You didn’t go when Evan … “ Jules trails off, but “left” is the word she’s looking for. Evan left me. I skipped my appointment and cried alone in bed instead.

“I didn’t reschedule since I have to go again in a few weeks,” I say, shrugging it off like it doesn’t matter. Like I’m not worried that my baby can feel my pain. And that every night I cry alone in our bed I’m damaging this tiny life.

Like I’m already a horrible mother and all this shit is going to hurt my baby.

“I just want to get my life together,” I say and take in a calming breath. “I know what I want, and I’m going to go for it whether or not Evan is beside me.”

“You deserve happiness,” Maddie says and the other girls nod.

“I just wish Evan would stop living like he’s twenty-one. And doing stupid shit.”

“I can’t imagine him walking away when he knows you’re pregnant,” Sue says although I’m not sure it was intended for me. She stares absently at the roaring fire, the crackling filling the silence that follows her words.

“I think that’s what hurts the most. It was so … when I told him, he was just so … ” I have to pause and close my eyes. I remember the way he held me and kissed me, and it kills me.

“Hey, now,” Sue pipes up. “You’re going to be fine regardless. He’s got a situation he’s dealing with.”

I roll my eyes at the word “situation.”

“The fact that he has any situation is the problem.” All of my frustration flies out of my mouth. “We should have our lives together. Stability and a family.”

It’s silent once I’ve finished. Maddie looks down at the rug and Jules has an expression of sympathy although neither says anything.

“I agree,” Sue says gently.

“It’s going to be okay,” Maddie speaks up although she doesn’t look at me, she just picks at the rug. She shrugs and says, “Being pregnant and single is like the new trend anyway.”

I let out a little laugh, and that breaks up the tension. Maddie even smiles.

“Well at least it’s fashionable then.” My hand moves to my belly subconsciously and a surge of strength eases my pain.

I can do this, and I deserve happiness. I’m worthy of that. If Evan doesn’t think so, then he’ll have to deal with the consequences.

“Fuck him,” I tell them. “If he wants to keep this shit up, then he can do it alone.”

I move the pillow on my right to my lap and hold on to it.

“You’re going to be fine regardless,” Sue repeats her earlier sentiment, the only one to speak.

I nod my head, but that’s not how I feel.

“And we’re going to throw you the best shower ever,” Maddie says, interrupting my dark thoughts.

“What theme do you want? The elephants or bees … or whatever else is in that bag?” Jules asks me as if it’s all we should be talking about. And I suppose it is. I’m done with Evan and his bullshit.

“I’ll have to think about it,” I tell her and bury myself into the sofa. A light feeling seems to lift my shoulders, like a weight is gone. Maybe it’s the feeling you get when you’re truly done with someone. When there’s no way they can make it right again and you’ve come to accept it.

Maddie starts talking about baby showers, and her voice is peppy as she pulls out an iPad from her bag and says something about a Pinterest board.

My gaze falls on each of the girls, all of them here for me. Jules catches my eye and rests her hand on my thigh, mouthing the words, “It’s going to be okay.”

And for a short moment, maybe a second or two, I feel like it might.

Evan needs time to realize what it means to be the man I need.

Hopefully the time I need to get over him completely and stop falling for his charm is less than that. Because I can’t do this again. I can’t and I won’t.

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Diary Entry 1

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Mom,

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It’s been a while.

I miss you guys, but you already know that. I could really use your advice now.

I know Evan loves me. I can feel it when he looks at me, but when he’s not with me, I feel like he doesn’t. I know I’m insecure, but he’s been so weird lately. He’s acting crazy and it scares me.

I don’t even want to tell you. I’m so ashamed.

It’s that bad.

I know you never met him, but I swear he’s a good guy. I know he is.

But the thing is, he’s not doing good things.

And the worst part is that he’s not stopping.

He knows we’re pregnant, and he’s not stopping. It doesn’t get much worse than that, does it?

I don’t know what to do.

He wants me to just wait for him and I love him so much.

But I’m scared, Mom.

I’m scared he doesn’t really love me and that this is all going to hurt the baby.

I cry all the time. And that can’t be good for our little one.

I remember you crying when I was little and how you held me and sang lullabies to me. I’m trying that late at night. I hold my belly and try to sing lullabies instead of crying. I’m trying so hard, but I’m afraid I’m already failing.

I don’t think I can be with someone who isn’t willing to stop doing what he knows is wrong. It’s not just me anymore.

But it gets worse.

I can’t stop loving him. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Mom. I could use your lullabies right now.