Chapter 28
Sabrina
Sleep evaded me most of the night. Every time I heard a sound, my eyes would fly open praying Mikey hadn’t woken up. The way he called for his father, and then for me, would plague me… not to mention the sadness on Luca’s face before he left.
Since the sun was up, I decided to be as well. Before hopping in the shower, I peered in Mikey’s bedroom. He had kicked off his covers, but he slept peacefully—thank God.
Twenty minutes later, I sat at my kitchen table drinking my coffee wondering what this day would bring. I had never been so thankful that I decided to take the rest of the week off. The shuffle of little feet on my carpet grabbed my attention.
“Hi, Mommy.” His hands balled into fists as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.
“Good morning, sweetie.” I stood and gave him a hug. “Are you hungry? How about I make you your favorite chocolate chip pancakes this morning?”
“Okay.” Sadness still coated his voice. “Do we have Nutella?”
The fact he asked for his new favorite, rather than his usual whipped cream, caused pressure to build behind my eyes. This was going to be a rough day. “We sure do,” I said with the perkiest voice I could muster. How sad the sight of that chocolate spread Luca had bought him could awaken every emotion all over again. I poured him a glass of milk and began to make his breakfast.
Mikey sat quietly watching his favorite cartoons waiting for his pancakes. Once they were done, he took a seat at the table next to me. “What are we going to do today?”
“Well, since I have the day off, I thought maybe we could go to a movie. Would you like that?”
He shrugged. “There really isn’t anything good out.”
“Hmm…” I replied tapping my finger on my chin. “How about the zoo? You love the animals.”
“That might be fun. After that, can we go to the park and feed the ducks?”
At this point, if it made him happy, I’d let him feed just about anything if it was safe. “We sure can. Would you like to invite Jared to go?”
“Is it okay if it’s just you and me?” He speared a piece of his Nutella-covered pancake with his fork and slid it into his mouth.
“Of course. There’s nothing I’d like more than hanging out with my favorite guy.” I sipped my coffee. “Finish your breakfast and after you’re dressed we can go.”
The Bronx Zoo bustled with kids who were on field trips to adults just wandering around watching the animals. For such a crazy place, it was a calming experience. Mikey hadn’t brought up Luca’s name, and since I put the gifts in the hall closet, he wasn’t reminded of him not being there yesterday.
We spent a few hours walking from exhibit to exhibit, eating popcorn, and of course, watching the elephants get their bath. He laughed when one swung their trunk knocking over the large bucket of water. Hearing and seeing his joy was the best part of my day.
Later when we got to the park, we sat on a bench waiting for the ducks to come closer. Mikey walked to the edge of the small pond and left a trail of bread to lead the ducks to where we were.
His little feet swung back and forth waiting for his plan to work. Off to the side sat an empty soccer field. “Can I play soccer again next year?”
“Of course, sweetie. You know at camp, they play soccer.” Last summer after we moved to Manhattan, he went to a day camp while I worked. It was a great distraction for him. He loved the counselors and there was never a day I had to worry about him being safe or happy.
“That’s right. Wow. This year I’m going to be even better thanks to…” His brown hair fell forward as he dropped his head.
And there it was. I had been waiting all day for him to think about Luca. Thank God, the sound of ducks diverted his attention. “Look,” I whispered, pointing to a mama duck and her ducklings waddling closer to us.
“Cool!” He stuck his hand in the Ziploc bag, grabbed a small piece of bread, and held his hand out flat waiting for one of them to come and get their snack. A huge smile grew raising his sweet cheeks until the corners of his eyes crinkled. “It feels so weird. Like it should hurt, but it doesn’t. Do ducks have teeth?”
And just like that, my little boy was back. Without a care in the world, just as it should be, we sat there most of the afternoon; laughing, trying to guess which duck was a boy or a girl, and searching for teeth.
It had been one week since Mikey’s graduation and thankfully he hadn’t had any more nightmares. Even his spirits were better, which was more than I could have said for myself. Becky and I sat on my living room couch while Mikey played with Jared in his room.
Becky had been the first one I confided in after my breakup with Luca. Although she understood my attitude toward the situation, her sadness was evident.
She swirled her straw in her glass of iced tea sending the ice cubes and lemon wedge around in a circle. “Have you spoken to Luca?”
I made sure the boys were out of earshot. “No. He sent a text last Friday asking me if Mikey was sleeping better, but that was all.”
“He has been, right? Have you spoken to the camp counselors? How did he do this week?”
“Yes, they said he had a great week, and Mikey told me the same. He loves it there, so I guess he’s doing much better.” Laughter flowed from his room to where we were sitting, bringing a smile to both our faces.
“And you?” She sipped her drink. “How are you doing?”
“Good.” I made patterns in the condensation on my glass. When I looked at her she wordlessly nodded. “What?”
“I call bullshit. You aren’t good. You’re anything but good. One of the nicest, sweetest, and let’s not forget most gorgeous men I’ve ever met, fell in love with you and that little boy in there.” When I opened my mouth she shushed me. “No, I’ve been listening to your reasoning for the past week. Actually, since the day you met him. First came the excuses, and then once you finally let him in, and allowed yourself to enjoy life, you had a setback.” She put her hand up, palm facing me. “I’m not saying you weren’t justified, but your son is fine. I hate that he’s had to learn hard lessons at such a young age, but what’s the lesson now?” She paused. “Has he asked for Luca?”
Once I swallowed the knot in my throat I nodded. “Yes, a few times.”
“Wait, a few… of course, not counting the four times he’s mentioned him since we’ve been here?” She crossed her arms in front of her chest and glared at me. “Sabrina, he’s fine.” Her lips twisted from the sarcasm. “But you’re not. You’re a mess.” I peered down at my black capris and white T-shirt. “Not what you’re wearing, but you’re just not you.
“Don’t be ridiculous.” I stood and walked into the kitchen to set my half-full glass on the counter.”
“Have you given Mikey his presents yet?”
“What presents?” His little voice shocked both of us. Every day I opened that closet and thought about the gifts that sat on the top shelf. One day, I even went as far as taking them down, only to put them back. I didn’t know how Mikey would react and what effect they would have on him and on me.
Becky mouthed an, “I’m sorry,” before telling Jared it was time to go. Mikey watched them walk out the door, and then his eyes scanned the room. “Where are my presents?”
Taking slow tentative steps toward the closet, I opened the door and pulled out the gifts. His eyes lit up like stars when he saw two professionally wrapped boxes. “Wow!” He took them from my hands and sat down on the couch. “Can I open them?”
I sat next to him. “Yes.” Before he ripped the paper as though it were Christmas, I told him to read the card first.
He held it out. “Can you read it to me?”
My tongue dampened my lips as I pulled the card from the envelope. The front had an illustration of a young boy thrusting his hand in the air with the words, “Way to go!” at the top. When I opened the card I saw Luca’s handwriting.
Mikey,
Congrats, Buddy! I am so proud of you. You’re going to make a great first grader! I can’t wait to watch you walk across the stage today. Thank you for inviting me.
Love,
Luca
After I read it out loud, I realized I should have read it to myself first. Mikey, smiled. “He did want to be there.”
I stroked his head with my hand. “Of course he did, sweetheart.”
“It wasn’t his fault, Mommy. Do you think he feels bad that he missed it? Did you send him pictures?”
Before I could even conjure up a reply, he started opening the smaller of the two boxes. He gasped. “Wow, it’s just like Luca’s car!” Mikey studied each side of the box containing a model car of a Jaguar F-Type. He was right, it was an exact replica.
As quickly as he unwrapped the first gift, he moved on to the second. Tossing the cover aside, he tore through the tissue paper and pulled out a red jersey. When he held it up, tears welled in my eyes. The number ten was stitched on in white, with the name Benedetto across the shoulders. Mikey spun it around. “There’s grass stains on it.”
Lying in the box was another small note.
Mikey,
This was my high school team’s jersey. It brought me a lot of luck and I wanted you to have it.
Love,
Luca
Without hesitation, his head popped through the neckline. Stretching his arms to the side like a T he modeled the shirt. “How cool is this? Take a picture!” A small Italian emblem rested on the right side and what I assumed was Luca’s school’s name laid across Mikey’s belly.
I did what my son asked and snapped a few photos with my cellphone. “Okay, got it. That was very nice of him.”
“He’s the best. Can we call him?”
The smile on my son’s face negated all of my reasons not to. After a brief hesitation and more prodding from my son, I reluctantly pressed a couple buttons and wished for his voicemail. Two rings later, my wish wasn’t granted.
“Hi.” His voice hit me square in the chest.
“Hi, Luca. I’m calling for Mikey. Hold on.”
Mikey pushed one of the sleeves to his shoulder only for it to fall down to his wrist before taking the phone from me. “Hi, Luca.” His little chipper voice made a liar out of me. “Thank you so much for my presents. I love them.”
He remained silent listening to whatever Luca was saying. After a nod here and a nod there, he finally spoke again. “When can you come over and help me build the car?”
I reached to the phone and hit the speaker button just as Luca replied, “I don’t know when I can, buddy. I need to go out of town for a while.” Mikey’s smile faltered.
“That’s okay, we can do it when you get home.”
“Can I talk to your mom, please?” Luca’s deep voice sounded pained.
Mikey handed me the phone, and I placed it back in handset mode. “Hi… hold on a minute.” I pulled the phone away from my mouth. “Michael, do not open that box yet! There are small pieces, and you could lose them.”
“Okay!” sounded from his room. “Don’t forget to send Luca the picture.”
I raised the phone back to my ear. “Sorry, about that. He’s excited.”
“I’m glad he liked it. He sounds good. What picture?”
“Hold on.” I pushed a few buttons. “I just sent it.”
When my text sounded, he laughed. “It looks good on him.”
“That was a very generous gift. He’s going to cherish it and most likely sleep in it until I allow him to wear it in public.” The only sound I heard was Luca’s breathing. “How are you?”
“Busy… you know, the usual. I’m actually at the office now trying to get last minute details ironed out before my trip.”
“So, you’re going out of town?”
After a few beats of silence, he asked, “What is this, Sabrina?”
“What do you mean? Mikey wanted to talk to you.”
“What do I mean? I’ve spent the last ten days trying to figure out how to move on. Making small talk isn’t helping. Don’t get me wrong, it’s wonderful to hear your voice and Mikey’s, but you’re killing me. I’m glad Mikey liked his gifts, and that both of you sound happy. That’s all I ever wanted. So, if that’s it, then I need to get back to work.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll let you go.” Tears fell freely from my eyes. I didn’t even bother to swipe them away—what would be the point, they would just continue to fall.
“Bye, Sabrina. Take care of yourself.”
“Luca…” My words lodged in my throat. “Have a safe trip.”
“Thank you.”
When his name disappeared from my screen, I dropped my phone to the floor, my head to my hands, and cried for what we once had.