Chapter Nineteen
August – New York City
It had been, thought Lauren as she exited the elevator into the lobby of her office building, possibly one of the top ten shittiest days of her life, a day that had actually begun late last night. She’d been nursing a rare but nasty hangover after bar hopping the previous evening with Courtney and a few of her friends, and the flight from St. Louis to New York had been unusually turbulent due to scattered thunderstorms. The flight had also been more than an hour late getting in, and she’d had to really hustle in order to get to the office on time. And the whole time – during the roller coaster ride of a flight, the cab ride through wall to wall traffic from the airport, the mad dash from Maddy’s apartment here to the office – Lauren had asked herself why she continued to put herself through this torture. As much as she loved her job – the travel, the excitement, the once in a lifetime experiences – the downsides that came with it were starting to wear on her. Namely, all the trips to New York, the meetings that seemed to be lasting longer and occurring more frequently these days, the budget restrictions that kept getting tighter, and, well – Ben.
It was becoming more and more difficult, more heartbreaking, to see him so often and yet have him seem so far away. He’d been in something of a bad mood himself today, terse and withdrawn, and having very little to say. Karl, in fact, had been the only one of the crew to be in a good mood today, but he had also seemed distracted and out of sorts, small wonder considering he’d had to leave his pregnant, newly wedded wife for the next two and a half weeks. The crew was flying out in a few days to the Canadian Rockies, where the cool mountain air would be a blissful relief from the hot, muggy conditions here in Manhattan.
She’d been running so late this morning that she hadn’t dared take the time to change clothes, so she was still wearing the cropped cargo pants, tank top and flip flops she’d worn on the flight. She longed for a shower, her favorite jammies, a good stiff drink or two, greasy Chinese takeout, and an early night – in that exact order. Wisps of hair were sticking out of a braid that had passed the point of being simply messy six hours ago, and she was miserably aware of the smell of her own sweat. The very last thing she needed in this condition, especially after the really lousy day she’d already had, was to run into Elle Kimbrough. And especially when Ben’s poised, polished girlfriend looked as fresh and cool as a daisy, making Lauren feel as though she’d spent the day crawling on her belly through the jungle.
Elle was wearing a sleeveless sheath dress of pale taupe that not only flattered her skin tone but somehow didn’t have even the tiniest wrinkle. Her coordinating sling-back pumps had a sensible heel, while her black hair, as usual, was coiffed in a perfect French twist. She wore a plain gold watch that Lauren knew had still been hideously expensive, and a pair of dainty gold hoop earrings.
Lauren thought about pretending she didn’t see her, or simply giving her the briefest of waves as they passed, but cursed her bad luck – the bad luck that seemed to be getting worse as the day went on – as Elle quite intentionally approached her.
The two women had run into each other several times since Elle’s little hissy fit at the holiday party. Each time they had barely acknowledged the other, and had gone out of their way after an initial greeting to not speak again. So it was with mingled surprise and unease that Lauren stood and watched Elle walk towards her now.
“How are you, Lauren?” asked Elle in that snooty British accent Lauren hated. She really wasn’t sure why it bugged her so much. After all, Ian Gregson’s own accent was enough to make a grown woman swoon, and Lauren had been no exception. But Elle’s very upper crust tones seemed affected, exaggerated, as though she was flaunting her privileged upbringing, and Lauren almost cringed every time she spoke.
“I’ve had better days, actually,” drawled Lauren. “Jet lagged, hungry enough to eat a whole cow, and - ” she sniffed delicately at her armpits, “I really need a shower.”
Elle gave her one of those tight little smiles, the ones Lauren longed to slap off her face. “Yes, I can tell,” she replied with a faint air of disdain. “Did you just arrive in this morning?”
“Bright and early. Actually, more early than bright,” lamented Lauren. “And thank God the day is finally over. Time to head home and have dinner with my aunt.”
Elle gave a tiny sniff. “I still can’t quite believe that your aunt is the head buyer at Bergdorf’s.”
Lauren shrugged casually, well aware that Elle was getting in one of her not so subtle digs. “My sister is the one who inherited Maddy’s fashion sense, not me. And let’s face it – for the job I do, running around in couture isn’t exactly practical. Besides, as you’ll recall, I do clean up quite nicely when the occasion calls for it.”
Elle’s already ramrod stiff spine straightened a degree or two further at Lauren’s own not so subtle reminder of the gown she’d worn to the holiday party. “Well, don’t let me keep you then, Lauren. From either dinner with your aunt or your shower.”
Lauren straightened to her rather meagre height of five foot three, wishing she was wearing a pair of stiletto boots right now instead of rubber flip flops. “I take it you’re here to meet Ben?”
Elle nodded. “Yes. We’re having dinner with my parents and some of their friends. Sort of a bon voyage party for the four of us. I assume Ben has told all of you that we’re headed to Spain for two weeks?”
Lauren forced herself not to betray the way her heart sunk at this news. “He mentioned he was going on vacation but not where. Or with whom. So, Spain, huh? It sounds – hot at this time of year. Like at least a hundred degrees or so.”
Elle shrugged, as though such things weren’t even worth her consideration. “The villa we’ll be renting is air conditioned, and has a pool. The heat won’t be a concern.”
There was an uncomfortable silence for a few moments until Lauren ventured, “Well, have a great time.”
There was an avaricious gleam in Elle’s dark eyes as she replied, “Oh, I definitely will. Especially since I expect we’ll have good news to share when we return.”
Lauren’s heart sunk about ten feet at the smug tone of Elle’s voice. “Really? Like what?”
Elle gave her a very deliberate smile. “Well, let’s just say that Karl and Tamsyn might not be the only ones who tie the knot in the not so distant future.”
Lauren suddenly felt a cold chill run through her, down into her very bones, and the sweat that had dried on her skin throughout the day now felt clammy. Somehow she managed to maintain some semblance of dignity as she told Elle with exquisite politeness, “Well, I wish you all the best then, if that proves to be the case. Have a lovely trip.”
She forced herself to walk out of the building with her usual swagger, never betraying for even a second how deeply Elle’s announcement had shattered her. As she walked the long blocks towards Maddy’s apartment, she wondered wildly if what Elle had told her was really true, or if it was all a pack of lies intended to fuck with her head. Ben had never once dropped a hint that he and Elle were that serious, that he was actually thinking of proposing. But then, Ben spoke to her as seldom as possible these days, and never about anything personal.
It made sense, she told herself as she continued on her way. Horrible, awful sense. Ben and Elle had been together for about two years now, lived together for God’s sake. Lauren knew he’d been to England several times with Elle to visit her family and spend holidays. Now they were vacationing with her parents.
Yes, it all added up, and pointed to the next logical step in their relationship. Elle would likely come back from Spain sporting an engagement ring, her parents would throw her and Ben some hoity toity party to announce the good news, and in a year’s time they would be married in a big, lavish ceremony.
And in the meanwhile, the few pieces of Lauren’s heart that still remained intact would be crushed into tiny bits, until there was nothing of it left. How in the world would she be able to bear it – to watch the man she still loved, the only man she’d ever loved – marry someone else?
With that thought, Lauren made a decision – one that had been weighing heavily on her for some time now. Elle’s joyful little announcement a short time ago had been just the catalyst she needed to finally follow that decision through.
***
Madelyn Benoit wasn’t a woman who was easily shocked or caught off guard. In the very powerful and influential position she held, she had learned to be prepared for just about anything, to keep her wits about her, and always remain calm. But she was completely flabbergasted when she walked inside her penthouse apartment after work to find her beloved niece curled up on the sofa in the fetal position, sobbing her heart out. A shot glass and half empty bottle of tequila rested on the coffee table within arm’s reach, and Maddy guessed that Lauren had had more than her normal share, given the state she was in.
Lauren was wearing a pair of olive green cargo pants and a black tank top that were so wrinkled they looked as though she had slept in them. Her hair was sticking out wildly in all directions, her braid all but destroyed.
Maddy realized she hadn’t seen her niece cry since Lauren had been a very small girl, and she wasn’t at all sure how to react at this moment. Fortunately, instinct took over and she merely sank down next to Lauren on the plush sofa and pulled her close. The fact that Lauren didn’t even try to resist, or disguise the fact that she’d been crying her eyes out, only made it more obvious how upset she really was.
“Shh, darling. It’s all going to be okay,” soothed Maddy. She stroked her niece’s tangled curls as Lauren continued to weep against her shoulder. “Whatever’s got you this upset, it will all be okay.”
Lauren lifted her head, her green eyes drowning with tears, her face flushed. “No,” she whispered sorrowfully. “Nothing will ever be okay again, Aunt Maddy. He’s broken my heart for good this time.”
Maddy was startled at this tearful confession. “Who, darling? Who broke your heart? I didn’t even know you were seeing someone.”
Lauren shook her head. “I’m not,” she sniffed. “Not really. It was a long time ago. Only now he’s back and it’s worse than ever, and I can’t go on this way anymore, Aunt Maddy. I have to leave.”
“Leave?” Maddy couldn’t disguise the alarm in her voice. “Leave where? What are you talking about?”
Tears tracked down Lauren’s cheeks. “Leave New York,” she croaked. “Leave the magazine. Leave – him.”
“Lauren.” Maddy used her thumb to wipe away her niece’s tears, only to watch as new ones appeared. “Good Lord, are these the clothes you wore on the plane? Look, darling, why don’t you go and have a shower, put on your comfiest PJ’s, and then we’ll have a little talk. I’ll order dinner in the meanwhile, get us something cold to drink – not more alcohol. Get along with you now, hmm?”
Lauren gave a rather loud snuffle but nodded obediently and trudged back towards her room. Maddy sprung into action, grimacing as she put away the tequila and the shot glass, and set the messenger bag and flip flops that Lauren had dumped in the middle of the living room onto a chair. She made a quick call to one of her favorite restaurants, and ordered a rather upscale version of comfort food – lobster mac and cheese, portobello mushroom flatbread pizza, a pear and gorgonzola salad, and an assortment of desserts – all dishes that she knew Lauren loved. Assured that the order would arrive within half an hour, Maddy went to her own room to shower and change.
When she walked back into the living room a few minutes later, she smiled to note that Lauren had taken her earlier advice to heart. Her niece was curled up on the sofa, busily channel surfing through several dozen cable stations that Maddy didn’t even know she had. Lauren’s freshly washed hair hung in long, damp strands halfway down her back, and she was wearing what must indeed be her comfiest pajamas – little sleep shorts printed with a trio of cartoon characters, and a pale blue ribbed camisole top that had seen better days. Her long, tanned legs and small feet were bare. Lauren looked far younger this way, more like a teenager than a woman in her mid-twenties, and the vulnerability Maddy glimpsed on her face was not something she could ever recall seeing there before.
“Feeling better?” asked Maddy as she poured them each a tall glass of iced tea. During the steamy, hot summer months she always kept a pitcher of sweet tea in the fridge, a habit she had picked up decades ago from her old college friend Gerard Landreaux, who had grown up in New Orleans.
Lauren shrugged as she took a drink of her tea. “A little. Not as grubby and sweaty, that’s for sure. And I’m sorry I was such a head case when you walked in earlier. It’s just been a challenging day.”
“You can tell me all about it after we’ve had dinner. Which should be here in less than ten minutes.”
Lauren shook her head mutinously, just as Maddy had expected she would. “Forget it, Aunt Maddy. I think I’m just hormonal or something. Must be my period coming on.”
Maddy chuckled. “Oh, nooo, my girl. You’re not getting away with this that easily. The things you said when I walked in – they deserve a very detailed explanation. I’ve known something’s been bothering you for months now, and I think you’ve finally reached the breaking point. So, deny it all you like, darling, but one way or another you’re going to fess everything up to Auntie before this evening is over.”
Lauren scowled darkly. “We’ll see about that.”
Maddy squeezed her niece’s hand. “It’s time, darling. Time for you to let it all out and talk to someone. For almost your entire life, since you were a tiny little girl with more guts than a full grown man, you’ve had this protective shell erected around you. For some reason you got it into your pretty little head that you always had to be tough, could never let anyone see you cry, or think that you were weak. But now it’s time for you to come out from under that shell and let yourself feel. You’re like my own daughter, Lauren, and I’d like to think after all the time we’ve spent together over the years that you trust me enough to confide in me.”
Lauren stared at the TV for long seconds, wrapping her arms around her bent knees, watching but not really seeing what looked to Maddy like a cross between a boxing match and some sort of bizarre martial arts. Finally, Lauren lifted her head and looked at Maddy.
“Fine,” she stated defiantly. “But on one condition. If I tell you all my deep, dark secrets, then you have to tell me yours. Because I know you have some, Aunt Maddy, have known that for a long time. So, do we have a deal?”
Maddy was flabbergasted, never in a million years having expected her niece to issue such a challenge. But from the stubbornly smug look on Lauren’s face, Maddy realized that sharing her own secrets – and she did indeed have quite a few – would be the only way to learn why her beloved niece had been crying as though the end of the world was near.
Maddy glared. “You, my dear girl, are far too clever for your own good, and have been since you were old enough to talk. You are also nosier than an entire city block of gossipy old ladies. But,” she added reluctantly, “I suppose you have a deal.”
The way Lauren’s face lit up at Maddy’s grudgingly given consent was almost enough to make what she was going to do in a short while all worth it. Maddy’s secrets had been very closely guarded over the years, with only her sister Natalie and brother-in-law Robert knowing them all. And now, it seemed, her nosy niece would as well.
She was granted a short reprieve by the arrival of their dinner, and Lauren’s appetite seemed to be as healthy as ever. Maddy herself ate sparingly, her fifty-two year old metabolism far slower than her niece’s. Having to watch her calorie intake was something she’d grown used to over the years, as one couldn’t expect to have such a high level position in the fashion world and not look her very best at all times.
But when Lauren had eaten the last bite of red velvet cheesecake and set her fork down, Maddy knew her reprieve was nearly over. And despite her earlier admonition to Lauren, she fetched two glasses and a bottle of chardonnay from her wine refrigerator and poured them each a glass.
Lauren took two long sips, savoring the fine vintage, before setting her glass down. Then, without even blinking an eye, she plunged right in.
“I met him six years ago, when I was twenty and home from UCLA for the summer. We were together for ten days, the best ten days of my life, and I fell in love for the first and only time. And then he up and left one morning without a word and broke my heart. I never thought I’d see him again, told myself I didn’t want to see him again, until he wound up being my new boss at the magazine. And broke my heart all over again.”
Maddy sat and listened for the next half hour as Lauren expanded on her story, sharing details about Ben and their torrid summer fling, but stopping just shy of sharing too much. Maddy’s tender heart broke half a dozen times for her niece, at seeing just how vulnerable Lauren really was, and tried not to think about how closely parts of Lauren’s story paralleled her own.
Maddy shook her head at the end of Lauren’s tale. “Darling, I’m so sorry, so terribly sorry for you. But two things in particular trouble me about all of this. First, why in the world didn’t you share any of this with us before now? I understand perhaps why you didn’t tell me or your mother about it, but your own sister? Surely you didn’t think Julia wouldn’t have understood or supported you?”
Lauren sighed, refilling her wine glass. “Of course not. I know Jules would have moved heaven and earth for me, just like I would for her, no matter what the circumstances. I never told her when it all happened because she was so busy with work and school and her own life, and, well, you know how it’s always been with me. I hate being thought of as weak or needy or girly, and I couldn’t stand the thought of crying on anyone’s shoulder. And, well, I was ashamed, too. I’d been made a fool of, after all, and that sure as hell wasn’t something I was anxious to admit.”
“You weren’t a fool,” assured Maddy gently, stroking her niece’s cheek. “You were just in love, darling. Young and happy and so much in love. No one would have faulted you for that or thought less of you. Which brings me to my second question. Why haven’t you allowed Ben to explain things to you after all this time? From what you’ve told me, and from what I could gather that day we met him at Norma’s, he seems like a decent man. Kind, even.”
“He is.” Lauren gave a little shrug of resignation. “And I guess the reason I haven’t wanted to hear him out is because I’m afraid to know the truth. Afraid that he is just being kind, and that leaving that morning without a word was his way of letting me down easy. And, well, as you know, I’m also stubborn as hell. Stubborn and proud and unforgiving. I was still so mad at him, so hurt that he could leave me after everything we’d shared, that I thought to hell with him. That if he didn’t appreciate what he had with me, if he was too stupid to know a good thing when he had it, then I didn’t want anything more to do with him.”
Maddy shook her head. “You owed it to yourself to learn the truth, Lauren, even if it was a hard truth. You still owe it to yourself. It’s never too late, you know, to ask. To go to him and say you’re finally ready to listen, even if you aren’t going to like what he has to say.”
“I can’t, Aunt Maddy.” Tears welled up in her eyes again and she brushed them away angrily. “It’s way, way too late now. Ben and I barely speak to each other these days, and well, if Elle can be believed, he’s about to ask her to marry him. Going to him now – it would only look like sour grapes, or like I’m trying to cause trouble. Or, worse, that I’m desperate.”
“First of all,” declared Maddy, “you have no reason to believe that little witch. As jealous of you as she seems, I’d be willing to bet she just made that bit up about getting engaged. Or maybe she believes it’s going to happen but is really just deluding herself. But even if it is true, you still deserve to hear Ben’s side of things. Just like he deserves the chance to tell you.”
“I don’t know.” Lauren chewed on her bottom lip uncertainly. “Maybe. I’ll think about it while I’m in Canada.”
“Do that, darling. For both your sakes.”
Maddy picked up the bottle of wine and was a bit alarmed to realize they had drunk the entire bottle. She heaved a sigh as she got to her feet again.
“My turn now, I suppose. Though I just realized I’m going to need something a whole lot stronger than wine before I can bare my soul.”