Kayla

My heart is full beyond anything I could have ever expected. When I received the news of my cancer, I thought to myself, Cancer is the big C. Only the word I was associating with the C wasn’t “cancer” it was “CUNT.” I know you think that doesn’t make any sense, but in my mind it does.

See, cunt is slang for vagina, and well, a vagina is also known as a pussy, and if you look up the word “pussy” in the dictionary, it can mean weak or cowardly, and that is exactly what cancer is. A weak, cowardly way of taking away something so precious to the person who has it. It strips the life from them, sometimes taking away a person’s ability to bear children or breathe, and in worst cases, their life. For me, it took away my ability to be young and carefree. I shouldn’t have to be making life-changing decision about my health just yet. I don’t smoke, and I’ve eaten healthy. I’ve done everything in my power to stay away from bad habits, and I work out regularly. No one in my family has cancer that I am aware of, and never once did I feel sick or discomfort, so why am I the freak of nature?

When I found out I had cancer, I freaked out completely. I was in shock, and I didn’t want to believe this could be happening to me. It was all speculation. ‘Nothing to worry about’ everyone said. I’m too young, so it’s probably just a cyst. It had completely been a non-starter for me to even begin to think about. Cayson and I were attempting a long-distance relationship, and things were going well. Then BAM! A sledgehammer to the heart when they told me. Thank God for Patricia, Brenda, and my mom because without them, I don’t think I could have made it this far.

Patricia was the work support I needed. She took care of extending deadlines and re-assuring me that my career was going to be alright. I could take time off if need be and my fans would still be around when I was ready to come back. But I wasn’t ready to take time off; I wanted the distraction from the shitstorm that had become my life.

Brenda was my guiding light. Between her and my mom, I always had something to eat, even if they were shoving it down my throat when I didn't want to put anything in my stomach. I can’t tell you how many days Brenda spent at my home holding me as I cried into the evening. I hated making her promise not to say anything to Cayson, but I knew if he found out, he’d rush home to make everything okay, and then he’d see how ugly I’d become and he’d want nothing to do with me. I didn’t want to risk losing what we were building together.

Mom took Brenda’s place at night and would stay with me, so I wasn’t so alone in my bed. Mom knew just how to comfort me so I could get the sleep that eluded me every time I tried to shut my eyes. She’d rub my back like when I was a child and hum in my ear. Her voice was comforting and relaxing, and eventually, I’d fall into the abyss.

Once I’d accepted my fate for what it was, Brenda, Mom, and I started reading anything we could find on cancer. We searched and scoured websites for information, and I finally started a blog. I’m a writer, right? So, why not. I started blogging every day. At first, it was just little notes to say how my day went. Then it grew into a way to detox the negativity that consumed me. I would scream and yell at cancer in my blog. I didn’t care if no one read it or responded. I didn’t need followers or comments; I just wanted a way to vent. Then one day, I pulled up my big girl panties and decided it was time to share all the details of my journey in hopes that someone would find my blog and it would help them, too. Low and behold, I had followers. Hundreds of followers, to be exact.

I knew the day would come when I would have to address my current state with Cayson, and I was fully prepared to lose him, to let him walk away without feeling guilty. I was no longer the woman he’d asked to build a relationship with. I was some other woman with a dreaded disease, and the last thing Cayson Razor, the Rock God and Pleasure God extraordinaire, needed was a defective girlfriend. I hadn’t expected him to take it as well as he did, and never in my wildest dreams did I anticipate he would want to take this journey with me. I should have known better than to assume he would be so superficial. After all, I’ve seen that relationships can work out just fine. Take Fallon and Jenna; they are happily married, and they’ve had to go through some pretty rough times to get where they are today.

“Princess, where are you?” I hear Cayson call my name from inside the cabin. Sean and Patricia lent us their place again for a couple of days.

“I’m out here on the porch,” I call back over my shoulder.

Cayson strolls out onto the porch wearing nothing but his ripped jeans. His tan, tattooed, muscular body is on full display. When his eyes meet mine, the bright blue that I love looking into transforms into a heady deep blue with an underlying raging fire deep inside. If this were any other day, I know my nipples would be standing straight and the heat would build between my legs. But this isn’t one of those days, sadly for me. I nestle up beside him when he sits down, enjoying the warmth his body puts off.

“What are you doing out here, princess? It’s cooler today. Don’t you think you should be inside? I don’t want you getting sick.” Cayson pulls the blanket from beside him and tosses it over my body.

“Isn’t it peaceful out here? Just listen,” I whisper in his ear “The sound of the wind blowing through the trees is almost musical, don’t you think.”

“It is,” he says as his lips touch the scarf I have wrapped around my head. “Kayla, I’ve just finished chatting with the guys, and we’re going to cancel the show in Chicago the day of your surgery so I can be home with you.”

Suddenly, the peaceful wind blowing through the trees is raging in my mind like a hurricane. “The hell you will,” I spit out at him. “This is why I didn’t want you to know anything period.” I stand, tossing the blanket on the lounge next to him, and walk through the French doors, slamming them behind me. It doesn’t take Cayson long to follow and chase me up the stairs to the bedroom, stopping me before I can slam that door in his face, too.

“Why are you fighting me so much on this, princess? I don’t get it.” His posture is defensive, and I can tell he is ready for a fight. If a fight is what he wants, then who am I to disappoint him?

“Because you said yourself that was a sold-out show. The label won’t be happy that you want to cancel a show because your girlfriend is having breast surgery. People have it every day, Cayson, and do just fine.”

“This isn’t just breast surgery, Kayla, this is cancer surgery, and you are so much more than just my”—Cayson makes air quotes with his fingers—“girlfriend.” His arms cross over his bare chest, emphasizing the size of his biceps. “Anything could go wrong, and besides that, I should be there for moral support. If I were just some joe schmoe, you wouldn’t be making this big of a deal over this.”

“You're not just some joe schmoe,” I say as I turn to walk toward the bathroom. “You’re Cayson Razor, and lots of people depend on you every day. I’m just not one of them.” My words have the same effect as tossing a pan of scalding-hot water on him. I see him flinch the minute the words leave my mouth, but it’s too late to take them back.

“You don’t need me. Is that what I’m hearing you say, Kayla?”

“I’m sorry, Cayson, that came out all wrong. That’s not what I meant. Of course, I need you. I just don’t need you to be there at the hospital. It’s going to be okay. I promise. I’ll make sure someone keeps you up to date. You’ll see, everything will be just fine. Now, let's not ruin the few days we have together before you have to leave.”