Cayson

I didn’t know how long I lay there in the dark on my bed. A knock at my door brought me back to reality. “CJ, you in there? We brought you back something to eat.” I hadn’t even given any thought to dinner until Ellie called through the door.

“Not hungry. Just put it in the fridge for later.” My thoughts were all over the place. Did I want to be in a relationship with someone who could get ill again? Not just ill but could actually die. Could I handle getting in deeper and finally admitting that I’m in love with Kayla, only to have her ripped from me down the road? I wasn’t so sure anymore.

An hour later, Ellie was at my side, reaching down to turn on the light. I hadn’t even heard her knock or enter. “You want to talk about what’s bothering you, CJ?”

Rolling to my side, I patted the bed beside me. Ellie lay down facing me. “What’s wrong, CJ?”

Of all people, I knew Ellie wouldn’t judge me by my answer, but I was still hesitant to say it out loud. “I don’t know if I can be in a relationship with someone who has cancer,” I told her.

Just as I’d thought, Ellie didn’t pass judgment; she just responded as sincerely as possible. “You mean had cancer, right, CJ? Kayla had cancer. She’s fine now.”

I closed my eyes as I nodded my head. “She had a double mastectomy, Ellie. She did that without talking to me about it first. We’re supposed to be a team. You know, building our relationship and future together, but she didn’t even think to discuss it with me. How do I get past that?”

Ellie’s face was full of emotion and understanding when she responded to my question. “You just do, CJ. This was her decision; it’s her body. She’s the one who has to live with it for the rest of her life.” Ellie rolled to her back then turned her head to face me. “I can’t imagine what it would feel like to have to remove a piece of your body. Let alone a piece that would make you feel like you were less than a woman and take away your self-esteem. Have you tried putting yourself in her shoes?”

Ellie’s words were like a slap in the face. “I have thought about it,” I said, but Ellie just looked at me blankly. “Have you, CJ? Can you honestly say you’ve thought about it from her perspective?”

“No,” I said , rolling onto my back, so our shoulders were touching side to side.

Ellie and I rested there the remaining part of the night, talking for hours. Mainly, I told her how I was feeling, while she helped me see things from Kayla’s perspective. Or at least what she thought Kayla’s perspective might be. At one point, when my question was followed by dead silence, I looked over to find Ellie had fallen asleep. I was about to wake her but then decided against it and closed my eyes hoping to find some rest.

Rest was anything but what I got. Though my eyes were closed, a video reel kept playing in my head with Kayla as the starring character. I could see her standing in the front row at my concerts waving to me and smiling. I sing to her, and her smile grows bigger. No matter how many times I run the stage and engage with the audience, I always end the show on my knees in front of her. By the fifth time this movie sequence played in my dreams, the ending was different. This time, I drop to my knees and look out at the crowd, but her chair is empty. I’m about to call to her when an angry voice calls out instead.

“What the ever living fuck are you doing sleeping with my sister, CJ?”

Immediately, my eye’s flew open to find Rocky standing in the doorway to my room at the back of the bus. Ellie sprung to her feet when she heard Rocky’s voice as well. “Calm down, Rocky, it’s not what you’re thinking. For Christ sakes, we’re fully dressed. We just fell asleep talking last night,” I yelled back at him. I was insulted that he would think I would do such a thing.

“Bullshit,” Rocky yelled, his eyes full of rage and a bit bloodshot and glassy. “You expect me to believe that when I come in here and you're lying in each other's arms?”

Ellie piped in at that moment. “Nothing happened. What you walked in on was two fully clothed adults and me comforting a friend who is going through a tough time right now. Get over yourself, big brother, and put down the bottle. You smell like you’ve been bathing in bourbon all night long.” Not willing to wait for an answer from Rocky, Ellie shoulder checked her brother as she walked past him. Rocky continued to give me the evil eye for a few more moments and then turn and punched the wall before walking away.

Later that morning, when my phone rang with the all too familiar Ed Sheran song, guilt for last night washed over me, and I refused to answer. Ellie, hearing the song, looked over at me and then gave me a disappointed look when I didn’t pick up. As I held the phone in my hand, I contemplated what I’d say to Kayla. After all, I was still not sure how I was feeling, so I just typed out a text.

ME: Sorry, can’t talk. You OK?

KAYLA: Sure, I’m home. Call me when you can.

ME: You alone?

KAYLA: No. Mom ran to the store, but she’ll be back, and she’ll stay with me.

Knowing she was in good hands and that both my mom and hers would tend to anything she needed, I replied with one word and then powered off my phone.

ME: Good

Later that evening, I powered it up only to find several voice messages from Kayla. I was a coward and didn’t return a single one, and over the next few days, I continued to avoid her calls and texts.

The only thing keeping me sain was the music. After all, it had been my coping mechanism for years. I got lost in the sound of the crowds and the beat of the drums. When I was on stage, everything around me was gone, and all I felt was the moment. There was no Kayla and no cancer, just me and the guys doing what we love.

By the end of the week, the texts and calls stopped coming from Kayla. That’s when it hits me that I have been so consumed by what I want and what I feel that I really haven’t stopped to put myself in Kayla’s shoes like I told Ellie I had. I’ve lied to her and myself, and it’s time to pick up the phone and deal with the mess I’ve made. Only this time, I’m the one being ignored and leaving voice messages to call me back.

I let Kayla ignore my calls for a week before I can’t take it anymore. I deserve it, and I’m willing to take my punishment, but enough is enough.

ME: I know you’re getting my voicemails.

After five minutes with no response, I send another.

ME: You can’t keep ignoring me.

But ignoring me is exactly what she’s doing. When thirty minutes pass and I still have no response, I send one more text in hopes she will respond. If she doesn’t, I’m going to be forced to call my mom and explain that she raised a callous asshole and beg her for help.

ME: I know you’re ignoring me on purpose, and I deserve it. But princess, please give me a chance to explain.

Instantaneously, the little bubbles start jumping up and down on my phone.

KAYLA: Do not call me. Leave me alone and stop calling me princess. You lost that privilege over a week ago.

I deserve her anger, but I’m not giving up.

ME: Just give me ten minutes to talk to you and explain.

I wait and wait, but no response comes. I’m truly fucked, and the only way I’m getting through tonight is with a bottle of whiskey.